Do you care less about friends as getting older?

[Rockysocks]

I can honestly say that when I was younger I cared so much about not having enough friends and wanting more people in my life. Throughout my teenage years and in my 20s specifically.

But into my 30s I think I have become accepting and I just don't really care any more.

I will never have the group of friends who go shopping together or on weekends away. I will never have a friend act like they need me in their life. I won't receive celebration cards with special messages in them or have suprise birthday plans made for me.

I have my partner and a few friends who I am not particularly close with.

Lockdown hasn't affected me because all it changed is not eating out, no longer having to sit on a 40 minute bus ride to and from work each day and deal with office politics.

I guess the truth is, I never really felt I fit in with other people anyway. I always felt on the outside.

It has taken many years to accept my difference though.

[gregarious_introvert]

I care more now about having friends than I ever have - but maybe that's because it's the first time in my life that it's been a possibility.

After spending so much of my life alone (although there have been romantic partners along the way), I do now have a social life with people I wouldn't regard as friends, but as people who aren't horrified by the thought of being near me; the few friends I have made are scattered around the country and have their own lives, so aren't people I see regularly.

Of late, I have been feeling the lack of someone who lives locally whom I could call to invite for a pint (or whatever), but I live in hope.

[Marco]

I can relate to you, Rockysocks. I know well the feeling of being an outsider who never really fits in. I have kind of drifted away from having any friends anymore, and to be honest, it doesn’t really bother me (maybe it should!). I’m quite happy to fill my days away from work doing things with my wife or on my own. Every so often though, I do miss having someone else to have a blether with over a pint or whatever. The problem is, I guess, that nowadays I wouldn’t make much of a friend to anyone who’d expect more than just an annual catch-up. When I think about it, I have definitely become much more introverted over the years.

[sophie79]

The older I get the more friends matter to me than ever, and material things less and less.

[biscuits]

yep - I'm so used to being the only biscuit in the tin. I've always liked to do my own little thing. Plus I'm awful at maintaining friendships and keeping in touch with people. It's because I always think people won't want to know me anymore when they get to know me properly. Not because I'm secretly evil, I just mean because I'm weird and have so many inadequacies. I'd find that hard - to openly be myself and be vulnerable. Bad experiences, I guess.

I've never really been one to want loads of friends. It's not something I'd be able to keep going. I can't cope with "let's catch up" friends because I really don't have much to report on. People want to talk about life events and I want to talk about melons and bread and bees. Also normal topics like films, tv and music.

[KellyUK]

It didn't bother me too much that I didn't have friends when I was in my 20's and 30's because I was happy in my own company - I could entertain myself - and I had my parents and brother around if I wanted to go out for a meal or visit the cinema etc. But now that I'm in my 40's and my parents are moving towards old age ( my dad is 70 ) it's scary to think that one day they won't be around. You start to realise that you've taken your parents for granted for many years - two people who look out for you no matter how obnoxious you could be sometimes. Little things like going out for coffee and cake with mum will come to an end one day and I won't have a friend to carry on doing that stuff with if I don't make a real effort to socialise a bit more.

At this point trying to make friends becomes more important than ever, even if it's just joining a club for something that you're interested in such as painting or gardening. Forums like this help of course and one of my mum's sisters - recently widowed - goes to the theatre by herself sometimes because life can't stop just because you're on your own a lot more.

[sophie79]

Originally Posted by KellyUK

At this point trying to make friends becomes more important than ever, even if it's just joining a club for something that you're interested in such as painting or gardening. Forums like this help of course and one of my mum's sisters - recently widowed - goes to the theatre by herself sometimes because life can't stop just because you're on your own a lot more.

I can certainly relate a little bit to this. After moving out of Mum's at 36, losing my then girlfriend a short while later, and during Covid a close friend I had drifted away I realised that as far as local friends go I was more alone than I ever was. I'm not young anymore, and I have a strong social drive. Enough that I'm doing all I can to fight the SA and make new friends by joining groups and taking the risk of going. The anxiety is awful, but the fear of being alone is worse.

[KellyUK]

Originally Posted by sophie79

I can certainly relate a little bit to this. After moving out of Mum's at 36, losing my then girlfriend a short while later, and during Covid a close friend I had drifted away I realised that as far as local friends go I was more alone than I ever was. I'm not young anymore, and I have a strong social drive. Enough that I'm doing all I can to fight the SA and make new friends by joining groups and taking the risk of going. The anxiety is awful, but the fear of being alone is worse.

Yeah. I'm not panicking yet but it's something I need to think about over the next year or so.

[Orwell20]

Originally Posted by KellyUK

It didn't bother me too much that I didn't have friends when I was in my 20's and 30's because I was happy in my own company - I could entertain myself - and I had my parents and brother around if I wanted to go out for a meal or visit the cinema etc. But now that I'm in my 40's and my parents are moving towards old age ( my dad is 70 ) it's scary to think that one day they won't be around. You start to realise that you've taken your parents for granted for many years - two people who look out for you no matter how obnoxious you could be sometimes. Little things like going out for coffee and cake with mum will come to an end one day and I won't have a friend to carry on doing that stuff with if I don't make a real effort to socialise a bit more.

At this point trying to make friends becomes more important than ever, even if it's just joining a club for something that you're interested in such as painting or gardening. Forums like this help of course and one of my mum's sisters - recently widowed - goes to the theatre by herself sometimes because life can't stop just because you're on your own a lot more.

Yes, I can relate to so much of this. I never really craved friends, not even when I was a teenager. My inner life was always enough for me. The wonderful thing about ageing is that no one cares anymore. When I was young, I felt like a freak for not partying or going to the local pub. Now, no one cares what I do. It's so liberating.

I know I'm going to need people as I age, however. I don't have kids, nor any nieces or nephews, and my mother won't be around forever. But making these new friends is going to be a massive chore. I find the majority of people unbelievably tedious. I know that sounds arrogant (and yes, they probably feel the same about me), but the truth is I'd rather be on my own - reading, learning Spanish, strumming the guitar, getting a bit high, etc. If I had a beautiful, large house by the coast, I doubt I'd ever leave it.

[challangerchris]

My childhood was spent surrounded by quite a few freinds. Both what I considered to be close ones and 'mates'. Thats just how life fell for me back then.

Something happened after I left high school. I remember starting my first day at Sixth form waiting for my high school mate to arrive. He never arrived. I then found out he changed his mind and decided to attend a different college. I remember feeling somewhat alone and phased by the many groups who clearly knew each other prior to their first day.

That was the start of my confidence going downhill. I tried to find a group or individual but nothing felt natural or real. I finally stuck to two lads who went to my high school. Those two lads were seen as 'nerds' at high school so I had nothing to do with them. My group was kinda mid-ground cool. Not the cool cool kids who would bunk off or smoke behind the sports-hall but a group that were somewhere in the middle.

I even went on a couple holidays with the two lads. I think I did that just so I felt like I was doing something normal. I didn't use them or anything but we certainly didn't have much in common.

I remember the first 'nightclub' abroad. Just think of Inbetweeners and make it 100 times more cringy. Non of us ever pulled. I don't even think any of us made conversation with girls. We would just get sucked into a nightclub from that person stood outside touting for customers. Often the nightclub would be empty and smell of puke + bacardi.

What is my point exactly? No idea. Just thinking out aloud. I miss having that circle of freinds that I had in my childhood. Those days were by far my happiest.

I would say I am well thought of with people who cross my path. But can I take it to another level and become their good freind. No. Not for trying though. Just something never clicks. Now I have a preconceived idea that it will fail before I've even started.

I love me time, I think I like it too much though. Finding that balance is hard.

I'd say I care more as I get older. How sad is this; I fear that no one would come to my funeral when my time is up. Get a grip Chris!

[Moksha]

Originally Posted by challangerchris

I even went on a couple holidays with the two lads. I think I did that just so I felt like I was doing something normal. I didn't use them or anything but we certainly didn't have much in common.

I've experienced this as well - making friends with people I was indifferent to because I needed them. I think it's quite common. You're lucky if you get one or two real friends in your whole life - I mean people on your wavelength, who love and care about you, who always cheer you up and make you laugh, etc. I have had friends at various stages of my life. But if I put my hand on my heart, I never really think of them. Well, no that's not true. I do think of them, but not with a lump in my throat, not with any yearning. They were just people I knew. And it was ok.

[indignant misanthrope]

I think other people seem to have more of a problem with this than I do. like with people thinking I am a some sort of murderer because I have no friends? I haven't taken much interest in pursuing friendships in a long time, it's completely futile and a waste of effort for me.

[MissKatie]

I had friends at school, it was always a small group but I still had friends.
Now I don't have any friends. I have people at work I genuinely get on well with it's just due to my job, people I would genuinely meet after work live in another part of the country and combined with anxiety and little time at home, I never go out enough to make new friends.

Does this bother me? It does but only because I know I SHOULD have friends and I feel too embarrassed to tell anyone I'm friendless offline.

If I had a regular steady job at home, I can't honestly say I would make the effort to meet people even down the local shops.

[Hayman]

I think it's a case of 'each to their own', personally.

Myself? I've not had any 'true' friends since the age of 20. Within three or four years of leaving school, all bar one had disappeared off the radar. I know one of them had moved abroad within two years of finishing school and unfortunately I've never heard from him again. A shame really as I thought we were pretty close throughout high school.

From my experience I found friends to be rather troublesome, unreliable and time-wasting in my late teens. I'm sure they felt the same about me as I'm not an outgoing person.

My former best friend is probably the main reason why I tend to shy away from friendships. I feel I've been 'stung' one too many times and unfortunately despite my best efforts to reconnect and return to being friends with him around five/six years ago (after a bumping into him by chance at the local pub), it sadly wasn't to be. The reason for us going our separate ways was still there. I'm happy I tried and made the effort though as I don't have any "what if?" questions if I chose to walk away after that chance-encounter and then never followed up with it. That's something I certainly wouldn't have done 10-15 years ago.

I wouldn't say I've become a 'complete loner' since my school days, but I've grown to enjoy my own company and I've been used to it for closing in on 20 years. I'd be lying if I said there wasn't days where I wished I had friends. Of course I would. I'd have loved to have shared some of my 'going out' experiences with others beyond my own family in recent years. However, I'm generally okay on my own.

I do have people who I'd consider to be good acquaintances (through work), but I wouldn't class them as friends. I'm happy for that situation to remain the same. I know I'd simply be exposing myself to further stigmatisation which for the sake of my own mental health, I need to get away from.

[AuroraSky]

I have mostly online friends which is handy for me, especially in the lockdowns of course when we were all stuck at home. It's a shame nearly all live far away and I don't feel confident travelling any more but I guess there's not much point feeling bad about things I can't change.

I have had some people who if not exactly "close friends" are definitely "friendly acquaintances" that I have met at mental health support groups. I don't tend to see them outside of meets though, but that's ok.

For a long time I wished I had four different people in my life that I could meet up with once every four weeks, i.e. there would be someone to meet for coffee each week. The few people I know I just tend to meet maybe 2 or 3 times a year. I am very much a homebody though, enjoying Spotify, YouTube and sports on TV, so maybe if I actually made these extra friends the conversation would soon fizzle out.

For the most part things are OK and as someone said it can protect from stigmatisation and pain, it's just there are a few days each year when isolation is tough and there's nothing to do except sit through it and wait until the feeling passes. I appreciate the honest sharing from the others in this thread.

[Bored]

Is there still a stigma about not having any friends? Has anybody told somebody they don't have any friends, and what was the reaction?

[AuroraSky]

I think there's still a stigma (maybe even more than admitting depression?) but I think it's an increasingly common position for people to find themselves in, for various reasons.

[KellyUK]

It's certainly embarrassing to admit you don't have any friends, almost like saying you don't drink alcohol, which can also cause people to look at you twice. I suppose it's expected of elderly widows who are now living on their own and who's children live far away etc but not so much younger people who should be in the prime of their social lives.

[AuroraSky]

Not to contradict you Kelly, but I'm sure I saw a statistic (not sure if it was UK or US) that 1/4 of young people didn't drink alcohol. I guess it's possible some were taking recreational drugs and not drinking, while some will not drink for religious reasons, but just from personal experience of seeing groups of young people at certain times in Starbucks (not a place I go to often) with their Frappucinos or whatever I can believe it's true. I can well believe though that there's a split between some social circles where nearly everyone drinks and others where they might meet up at cafes or cook meals together even from student ages onwards.

[Tonkin]

That's a good point about social media. It must be tough growing up, feeling like you're always under surveillance.

I read something about the current young generation being the first generation where their personality is entirely based around how they are being viewed, in terms of them always assuming they are being watched and recorded. How everything is done with the thought that it could be being recorded.

I guess it's good in some ways as it keeps people in line and compliant with social norms. But it must be pretty stifling in other ways, especially when there is so much ambiguity about what social norms are. Or at least they're not clearly spelled out, even though most people just "get" them.

[Hayman]

Whilst I thought quite a lot about my old school friends, certainly from leaving up to around my late-ish 20's, there's very few from that period in my life who I think about now. I've no reason to, our paths have never crossed and I genuinely doubt most of them would even remember me. I'm okay with that.

I really wouldn't want them to see me as I am now - as they'd see I'm in pretty much the same state now as I was when I was 16/17. It’s one of the reasons why I generally stay away from making myself known on social media and use it almost solely for news/following certain companies. I like to 'lay low'. My own contributions are very few and far between.

With friends being particularly troublesome and unreliable towards the end of my time with having them, barring my former best friend (which turned out to be a mistake), I've never wanted to go back to meeting up with old friends or making new ones. Will I always feel this way? Who knows. I know I'll never go back to my old former best friend - that's for sure. As for new friends in the future? We'll just have to wait and see. I have no goals or ambitions on that front.

Originally Posted by Tonkin

I guess it’s good in some ways as it keeps people in line and compliant with social norms. But it must be pretty stifling in other ways, especially when there is so much ambiguity about what social norms are. Or at least they’re not clearly spelled out, even though most people just “get” them.

There's a lot of truth in that, in my opinion. Well said.

[The Golden Sprout]

I care for less friends, but I care more per friend, because I only have a single good one.

I worry about her because her situation is far from ideal. I wish I could do more for her but don't know how, so I try to let her know I'm there for her (whatever that may mean when push comes to shove).