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  #841  
Old 19th November 2022, 16:48
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default Read me my last rites

There's no longer Bibles to be found on the foot of the beds in the psych ward in the general hospital. Care to read me my last rites?
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  #842  
Old 19th November 2022, 17:47
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default Re: If it is not broken

I asked him to not wear the scarf after I was referred to VictimSupportScotland. Of course I was ignored. Make me a cuppa tay he says. I ask to borrow money for a course and they say they can't afford it. New car. New motorbike. Organising a family holiday. I asked because a friend told me that they knew someone who now has a good job after doing Mental Health Peer Support. I am a writer I do not take a day off. And yes my ol'dear has said more than once: "Get yourself a man." Bosses take on blokes, not our fault noone looks twice at you." "Not our fault Martin took you for everything he could. You should know what men are like. Too soft. It is your fethers fault. Don't blame us. You will thank us for putting a roof over your head growing up. More than your fether ever did."
Him asking me incessantly exactly what I was going to be. I was too smart to go into nursing or social care. I had decided that teaching was not for me. I taught martial arts so I had a flavour
of what it was like to try and command a class of thirty plus kids. And I was called talented. When it came to art school, fine artists were not only a rare breed but a dying one. On one hand I wish I had known about Horticulture post eighteen. On the other I had to write and focus on developing my writing craft at all costs.

Get a man is my ol'dears solution to everything. I should not have to say this but I do not have a dim pessimistic view of men. I knew what some were capable of getting away with and that women played a part too. I am the complete opposite. I gave the men in my life more chances than they deserved. I won't make excuses for anyone anymore.
It is my family who are of the world view that men come first and should be able to work and then go out to the pub enencumbered by the stress of home. They have that privilege because they are men. That if a woman has to stay at home to raise the family then they should. Feel sorry for the man who has to put up with an ambitious woman. Yeah I know my mum was hardly a homebody who wanted the best for her kids. Never have kids. Especially not girls. It is hypocritical. That is them. Noone stood up to Odd or took Odd aside. Everyone caved in to him and I have no doubt that will carry on.
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  #843  
Old 20th November 2022, 00:16
Mr. Nobody Mr. Nobody is offline
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Mood
Tired

Default Re: If it is not broken

Why are magpies crackling at this time of night?
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  #844  
Old 20th November 2022, 09:38
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default Re: If it is not broken

I was the selfish one?
I was leaving them in the lurch?
My life did not matter.
Everyone had their own
Interests at heart so I was scapegoated.
People in my life were willing to try and send
Me to an early grave to ensure
That they could escape culpability. Live scot-free.
My own family.
Leave her she is not worth it.
What do they say about up there?
Why do some people waste all their time and energy
Trying to shoot other people down?
Take your own advice: move with the times.
It is not nineteen oatcake a anymore.
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  #845  
Old 20th November 2022, 09:55
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default Abiddy else is nae right

Who are you wearing make up for?
You were in the funny ferm
Yur mutton tryin tee dress like lamb.
Yur nae foolin anybiddy. Abiddy kanes.

(-I as close to stop buying make-up
-As it causes fights if he is drunk)

The f### can she walk in thone shoes.
Looks like a clown
Ahll call er coco fae noo on

(-I stopped wearing heels
To get some peace )

Canna afford them anyhow.
Canna afford a book buying cast offs.
Draggin me doon to your level
You mack me feel like a mink
Wi the pittance you tack in. Kane at?
Naebiddy will keep you on efter thone place.
Nae point gettin yur hopes up.
Stuck wi a peel haed
First half decent meal you
Have cooked me in f### knows hoo long.
Sure you werena a man in yur past life
Goin oot dressed in jeans and a shirt?

- It is a blouse.
-I work! You never cook.

Nae like you can afford muckle else.
I deserve a girlfriend who (*bosses jokes)
I hae you. Yur bein a ##### by nae

-If you have nothing nice to say don't talk
-So we will live in silence.
-You talk at me
-Take your #### out on me. I will leave you know.

You need help.
I have been hinking that you need help.
You need tee accept you'll niver
Be anyhin efter thone hole you were in
And that yur lucky tee hae me

-Why did you want to stay together
-If I have nothing going for me?
-Think you can control me?

F### knows. I hae higher principles
Than most men and you winna get them.
Wi yur saft haed.
Ma feel aunt could dae yur job
But you hink....you bide in cuckoo land.
Hae to feel sorry for folk like you
Or wouldna get on wi life

-If you are above me in so many ways
-Why don't you find someone else?
-You resent me because of Four
-Is more the issue
-And you try and flip it onto me. I don't.
- You have to try and down someone else
-to feel good about yourself
-Newsflash I do not want to be you

Sure aboot at? Women kane thur place
Look fit I dae for you and you winna....
It's only dy#€s who wish they had a w@##er who dinna

-Oh wow that is what you believe Freud
-Not only do men want to be you
-But some women do aswell omg this is why...
-Your have major issues!
-I don't get your sense of humour?
-It is not a joke with you.
-You are trying to say that
-This is you tring to be funny all the time?
-You are never funny!
-I know what you are trying to do.

I hae issues? Wiz I in ward number fouwer? Nut.
Kane hoo lucky...

-You do have major issues (thinkbubble:and he's flippin clueless)
-I do not need to take this
-You know that I would have
-A better job yesterday if we moved. You know.
-I do not owe you. What do you want actual blood?

*Not a word for word replication
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  #846  
Old 20th November 2022, 16:04
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default Re: If it is not broken

".....destroyed your mental health."
I do not need to answer. They are summarising to me from what I have told them. I am stunned and manage a faint yes. This was the final line of the statement.
Yes that was what they set out to do and accomplished. They did but they did not. At the time my self-worth had plummetted through the floor. At the time I would add. They pushed me to my wits end. Almost destroyed my life. Left me for dead. With that line comes the realisation that I could have died because of the domestic abuse. I had been in Four and that did not give anyone the right to commit a crime against me. I alway's had the same rights as everyone else. Why was I made to feel like a lesser human being? Unless you have been in my shoes you can never underestimate the disabling power of stigmatisation. It is not in your mind. But you cannot disclose to anyone. It has to be to trusted and trained people. Or people who have been through what you've been through.
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  #847  
Old 21st November 2022, 10:39
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default Re: If it is not broken

I never thought I would stop off at Four at such a young age. I was still young. The brain develops until a person is twenty five. I had to rebel. I had no support or connections. I would be taking more risks than many. I was worn out and jaded. I was already feeling the pressure weighed on my shoulders. I was bright and intelligent and I had sense. I thought I was relieving the pressure I put on myself. To a young me rebelling was better than being a passing recipient of fate. If I did an arts and humanities course I was probably not going to be in a "high flying" profession. I was going to be behind a desk in human resources or back where I started in management in retail or hospitality. I was so disenfranchised with the education system that I was not lying when I said I never read a fictional book for years in High School. Apart from for English class and the Harry Potter books.

I rediscovered the joy for reading as it goes and that never left. I had learned that creators have to take time away from other artist's narrative voice to find and strengthen their own.

I had chosen to pursue my art and I was admittedly too stubborn to turn back. And that maybe helped me recover at eighteen. I recovered as much as I could by my own graft. I went through the regrets and then I carried on. Like brexit and people not knowing about the backstop, thinking that it would curb the immigration numbers from Europe (??) I was not aware of where my rebellion would lead. I just knew life had to be better than this. I did not compare myself to others, but it is inevitable that if you were suppposed to have been using your brain in a fulfilling occupation, and you are stuck while others are moving ahead with life, there will be tinges, and waves of sadness and grief to contend with. Odd took my head and rubbed my face in failure constantly. Something, emotionally was not operating properly in him. A person recovers from depression. I was not sure that he would address this.

I did not know that I would feel dehumanised for a decade and a half going on two decades. I was insightful enough to know that I had to act back then. A stitch in time so they say. I was not the one to blame. I did not expect to have to live in fear of losing a revolving door job (who ever plans to stay in these jobs? But I needed work) and under the control of violence when I had
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  #848  
Old 21st November 2022, 10:54
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default Re: If it is not broken

That is the thing when a person chooses art. People do not realise the work you are putting in behind the scenes and in your own time. The brain is firing on all cylinders sometimes. The artistic process can be up and down. Gathering almost obsessively and then slowing down to reflect and record and get it down on paper. I was a one trick pony at visual art. It had to be writing. You are or you are not.
You appear dark circles, a touch uninterested in others bragging about their home improvements and holidays over seas. Their complaining about the car MOT cost and everything at the supermarket not going up by five or ten pence as normal but by forty, fifty, sixty pence or even double. Taking five days to get spruced up for a prosecco or gin day. I will pass and have a bottle beer. This pub up for sale. Another business going under or opening less day's a week with skyrocketing energy bills. A deposit on a house being impossible to raise. This generation will be poorer than their parents and grandparents. Unprecedented.
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  #849  
Old 21st November 2022, 11:40
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default Re: If it is not broken

If girls are harder to raise, why is suicide the leading cause of death in young men? Why is this the age of angry working class men?
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  #850  
Old 21st November 2022, 13:19
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default No mud no lotus no apologies accepted

It is a good job that I never wanted or expected anyone to apologise. The damage was done once I was in hospital at eighteen. And noone was going to pause their lives for a second to think of me. In a psych ward for twenty eight days. I went to rehab. Not my friends who were too young to be weighed down by something like reality. If it were a physical illness to recover from, they probably still would have been the same. Only spoke if they saw me or a relative of mine. They were eighteen and were supposed to be out enjoying life. Life was only starting for them. Mine was as good as over.
If they bumped into my parents they would ask how I was like they were held under duress or obligation. Or to make it look like they cared. They would lay it on thick and not send me a get well soon text. There are no get well soon cards in the psych ward for some. Why would there if it is often family or violent partners who put them there in the first place?
I think (if it were possible) I may have felt worse if people were trying to cover up their guilt that way. My family lied to the doctors and told everyone that it was my blood fathers fault. But would pretending everything was ok and rosy have been better? I was not granted an ounce of privacy in my hometown. So do I feel for public figures when they have meltdowns? Here I was being punished for what could be a lifetime if I could not take down the elephant and there was no crime or illegal drugs to speak of. This could not be right. The injustice of it all made me determined to get back a life I should have had. To win back a chance at a life I was going to have to fight against my own family and others who probably wish I had fled the country and not just a relationship. This is my home too.
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  #851  
Old 21st November 2022, 14:13
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default Re: If it is not broken

It was because of the drug users who make themselves worse that I was branded with this terrible stigmatisation? Blame that alone and not others actions? Because some of the young (usually men) ones were into drugs. The doctor knew I was not one of them. Yet so many people wanted me to be or spread rumours that it was only a matter of time before I joined the living dead. I mean who wanted a girlfriend who'd been in Thirteen? Thirteen is a curse for life. It never goes away. Stigma is created by people. Stigma is not an entity in itself. People create the stigma against a person. Yes I do know that fear is a reason why many are closed off. That is because of lack of knowledge and media sensationalisation. People who have treatment for mental health are victims of violence as was in my case.
I was training with the Olympic team while working. The bottom of everyone's list seemed to be trauma in life when it should have been top and it WAS the top reason. But I guess in more informed and educated families this may be the case and reasoning. Not where I am from. Scotland has a problem with drugs. Understatement. Don't we all know it. The figures speak volumes. The comedies try and make light of it. The highest drug related deaths in Europe. (And one of the bottom European healthcare service performances in line with Slovakia may I add)
But why automatically put me in that zone? Because it can be seen as "self inflicted." So that everyone else can move on. I was just one person. So better sully my name as quickly as possible because when I recovered there could be hell to pay.
Drugs are a socioeconomic problem. It is a persons background and life that can lead to addiction. It was twisted to lump me into a bracket with the "lost boy's." That was what my community did to me. I was anything but. My brain was not damaged by illicit substances because I did not go near them. And some people recover from addiction anyway! Either way it was wrong.
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  #852  
Old 21st November 2022, 19:18
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default JeremyKyle can't keep mouth zipped

I could not see what I had to live for. I was made to feel unlovable. I could not see a way. I was tired of fighting for means to an end jobs. I had to chop and change. Never settling. No chance to get to know anyone properly. I had run out of options in my hometown. My friends were acquaintances. Hope was something I had very little of. I had placed my hope in following my heart. And I was wiped out, my nerves were frayed. I knew I was reaching breaking point. I wrote End on the calendar. Just like the overdose, I was going to be blamed again I despaired. The months afterwards where I could not face a soul due to wildfire but without it i'd have been dead. The brain goes numb to protect itself. What was the point of moving to feel even more alone than I did then? Would moving remove the hospital stay? For a while. I would need to tell someone I was in a relationship with.

After I was supposed to have been in the big leagues, maybe there was some bruised ego to contend with. I did not have to move to know how the world of work operated and the politics of people that made many workers happy to do their own job and then go home. If moving up the ladder means I have to be more like suchnsuch or be their partner in crime, I am fine where I am thankyou.

I think of what I had to do to get work when leaving school. Look I am fresh from leaving mould me shape me give me a job. I only got the job because I had friends who worked there, and a relative in management (I did not mention them at interview) and my gran worked there for years and years. Still I got one of the back breaking jobs. I hated it. And the bulls####ers who blagged and would (literally in a few managers case) charm the pants off of someone on their way to management were not my type of people. I could not look at myself in the mirror if I turned into one of them. And I could not work along side them when they had to be indulged as an unwritten part of the contract. Full of patter. Banter is how you survive. I know how to live and you do not. Everyone wants my secret.
No. I know your secret that is why I do not want it (so does everyone else after working here for one month) Sometimes when an employer is looking for a new recruit they are covertly looking for a new playmate for someone on their team or themselves. Being able to convince and play people - regardless of whether it is right or ethical - in the short term is viewed as an important asset.

My old friend thought she could do the same as my first manager who was pally with sympathiser and found that it only worked for the men and then could not go back and change her approach. Then post rehab I missed out on work by a whisker. I had some will left in me which started to fade. It knocks a persons confidence. I became a shadow of my former self. Everything practically WAS against me. I wasn't imagining it or blowing it out of proportion. I thought I had left worrying about esteem, confidence, anxiety and existential angst behind. Four brought a new wave crashing. And Odd took his chances. Would gladly see me drown to get his way. Four.

I did not move because I would have been completely at the mercy of an employer to begin with as I had to rely on myself alone and I knew how dog eat dog work was. I should have been able to apply for something better in future or do college alongside. But getting going after I had been knocked back when reality had bitten me harder than some will ever know, it left a wound.

It is who you know. If all I was doing was working to pay for rent unable to go out often, then the underground would have been more beckoning to a youngster who had been through the mill. In reality there was more danger than opportunity. Like the vultures at Four, some people can spot an unhappy, restless and hurting albeit healing young lady. Just being young. It does not take supermodel looks to make a girl vulnerable prey. Cycling to work everyday for shifts in a care home or a supermarket, renting a bedsit room. Living hand to mouth. Working to survive. Convinced that after Odd, I could never put myself through another relationship again. Someone may kindly set me up. Four. I would have ran, ducked and dived it. It is all too easy to fall and cling to a routine. To safety. You are too young to give up! As long as no one kept saying smile it will never happen.

The American dream in little America was smoke and mirrors. So why not try and write the Great American novel instead. I was already doomed. Writing books was an endeavour worth battling on for. Trying to beat the rats was the real waste of a life in my eyes.
I think some possibly thought I was full of surprises after Four. But I don't know. I was called talented. At the end of the day everyone had their own life to sort out and jobs to do and aim for. Gossip was unavoidable at work. You don't have to be a gossip to know the "gen." I know some of my teachers were incandescent when it looked like I had decided to not use my brain. After wildfire, it was about more than myself.
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  #853  
Old 23rd November 2022, 08:09
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default The nanny state

Without publishing I really do not have many options. Do paid drug trials or sell a kidney. Born in this country. Are we becoming a failed state?
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  #854  
Old 23rd November 2022, 09:08
Seagull Seagull is offline
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Default Re: The nanny state

Quote:
Originally Posted by Spideysenses
Without publishing I really do not have many options. Do paid drug trials or sell a kidney. Born in this country. Are we becoming a failed state?
There is no money in the so called ‘misery memoirs’ genre (Dave Peltzer et al) any more unfortunately. Done to death in the 1990s/early millennium and literary agents generally specify on their website submissions guidelines that they won’t consider such manuscripts.
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  #855  
Old 23rd November 2022, 09:23
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default Re: The nanny state

Quote:
Originally Posted by Seagull
There is no money in the so called ‘misery memoirs’ genre (Dave Peltzer et al) any more unfortunately. Done to death in the 1990s/early millennium and literary agents generally specify on their website submissions guidelines that they won’t consider such manuscripts.
I want justice and a job that I do not have to settle for that makes me depressed. Not money. It is to combat stigma. I do not want money. I want work and purpose. How will thing's improve if people do not share their stories? Let's not forget about gaining back dignity and respect. I have never been lured into wanting a title or into work by a salary. That is probably seen as one of my problems by some!
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  #856  
Old 23rd November 2022, 10:43
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default Re: The nanny state

Quote:
Originally Posted by Seagull
There is no money in the so called ‘misery memoirs’ genre (Dave Peltzer et al) any more unfortunately. Done to death in the 1990s/early millennium and literary agents generally specify on their website submissions guidelines that they won’t consider such manuscripts.
You are right in saying that I do not wish to write some misery laden sob story. I have a sense of humour in real life. Parody and satire are probably more my domain. The Brits do humour best : )
Come to think of it The United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland may not be as it stands now.soon. Scotland and Wales look set to become independent. The Scotts do humour best by telling it like it is.
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  #857  
Old 23rd November 2022, 19:42
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default Re: If it is not broken

The art of Kintsugi involves repairing cracks - often those in shattered porcelain - not with something that disguises the break, but with gold. The concept that a vessel can be even more prized, even more valuable after being broken is a wonderful way to look not merely at objects, but at the challenges of ones own life. How we repair the breaks is what makes us stronger and our past more beautiful.
https://esprit-kintsugi.com/en/quest...intsugi/?amp=1
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  #858  
Old 24th November 2022, 08:47
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default Re: If it is not broken

Pinch an inch. Child bearing hips. Laughing and making cruel derisions about my blood father who was out of work with a blue disability badge. Brainwashed. Taking part of my lunch money that was on the fireplace from the night before to pay for his morning newspaper, bottles of carbonated juice and other junk. Robbing a childs dinner money. Then laughing when my mum lost it. "Doing homework? Sad b###ard. People with brains hae nae common savvy." (sound familiar). Be thankful you hae a roof over your head that I pay for. I can take it back when I feel like it." He was the worst dad. He could not have cared less if he never had kids. He was hard on the loon, but he was far more abusive to me. I was not his. I was a strain on his finances he made that clear. I was an inconvenience that he "could not be f###ed with." I was goosed because look at the "nick" of my blood fathers side. Full of coarse brats. Noone ever really got behind me even though I was called talented. Money makes the world go around. Bullet in the leg paid no maintenance so when money was seen as tight I came last. It was alway's me. I did not feel like I was in the picture at all. There was enough. The stacked pyramid of beer crates told a different story. That's what made it worse. They chose to make my life miserable. Instead of helping me get to where I could have been, almost everyone made it more difficult. Made me doubt myself. Made me feel alone. I had no idea what I was good at anymore at eighteen. Sometimes you have to lose yourself to find yourself. I had found where my creativity had to be poured into.

If I had "dobbed in the neighbour" .....would slug down his pints and say: "I dinna believe the dreeb. She is too ugly for starters..." He was the worst. He was my old dears meal ticket so I came bottom of the pecking order and she would have hit me harder if she was not a tiny dot. She wanted it to just be her, their loon and the thick as a thief. She wanted to forget her marriage to my blood father and that included me. I felt cut off before culmination. Why would I have stayed with and bowed down to Odd? My life was unbearable. So much so that I overdosed. Why should I have felt indebted to anyone? I left. We were over so he was a ticking time bomb. I left because my health was taking a beating. I had to live in perpetual fear. Fear of his deep seated emotional troubles and temper. His unnatural strength that men were wary and scared of. Fear of losing my job every day I left the house because my family and Odd fanned the flames against me. As well as pillar who was still trying to save his own skin. My teachers fumed to him. He stirred the pot with demoted. Bang went my first impression.
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  #859  
Old 26th November 2022, 10:38
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default Re: If it is not broken

No new job yet glake?
Looking hard enough gleeb?

I have a paid job!
I cannot do any better here
I need to move
I am not asking you to
Because you never will.

You brought it ah on yursel.

One month!
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  #860  
Old 26th November 2022, 15:59
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default Re: If it is not broken

The years following four what hurt the most, was that my pain and my loss was not seen as significant as other people's. My own family took the time and effort to tell everyone not to feel guilty because there must be a defect that came from my blood fathers side that caused a nervous breakdown. I am not saying that everyone to their lies/bullsh (selfish idiocy). The doctor and close associates did not listen to them as they did to me. They were running from their own guilt and trying to cover up their own wrongdoings. I did not expect any less of them that is why I pressed on. I was used to having to figure everything out on my own.

On the other side of the coin this also meant that my wins and happy moments were also going to be minimised. I somehow did not deserve to have some joy in my life anymore. To have any silver linings. To have what I could have had before four. Some people would be agrieved if I had done well or was happy when they weren't and I had been in four. I was cursed after all. Regardless of everything stacking up against me, I did not have to accept an immitation of life or to never be more than a shadow of former myself. It was one month. I had turned eighteen two months before. Thank you to everyone who killed me off.
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  #861  
Old 26th November 2022, 16:31
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default Re: If it is not broken

I am glad I have been sidetracked with writing real life recollections. I would have written some dark novels after my experiences in life otherwise. Since being referred to VSS, I feel like I may be able to open up. Let in some light.
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  #862  
Old 26th November 2022, 21:54
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default Re: If it is not broken

https://youtu.be/5vr7Nu87AXc
https://youtu.be/pFLS1MTreGU
https://youtu.be/iifs2NJI-58
https://youtu.be/FS8p_F0Stog
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  #863  
Old 27th November 2022, 11:30
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default Re: If it is not broken

I left odd, literally with the clothes on my back. I had to leave. We were over. I was in danger. He was a ticking timebomb. I was sleeping on the couch. There was nothing I could do but leave. I had tried and tried and better tried as the phrase goes. Working in a sweatshop. No air conditioning or windows. I contracted a chest infection. One of my teeth crumbled due to dehydration. My back was in pain from being static and operating the same one machine day in day out. I had no one young to talk to. I did it to get a reference from a person who could be trusted.
I went to college while working. But my confidence had taken a hammering. When asked what I aspired to be I closed up like a clam. I had top grades including sciences. I was working two jobs. I obviously was looking for something taking the course.
I said that I just wanted a rewarding job with better conditions where I felt appreciated. I could not eplain the hell I went through to get work without bringing up the hospital. Who would give me a job after Four when I would be up against hundreds of applicants? I needed to be more than squeeky clean with the competition fighting for work in the area I live in. So I did blame myself.
It alway's came down Four. I had this dirty little secret to hide. That was why my ambition was replaced with this slightly nihilistic attitude and sense of foreboding. I was smart and young so why the hell didn't I want to take on the world? Come back out of your shell again and the world can be your oyster. Did you never have a dream to be a firefighter or a veterinarian? Saving people or saving animals. Girls can be electricians and plumbers theseday's. Go to the art school here. Design gardens if you like outdoors. Your writing is good. Why not do Journalism or Creative writing?
Take the bull by the horns while you are young. Look at what is out there. Why are you selling yourself short? Why did you give up?
These were not the direct questions but along those lines. I should have been happy that people were asking well meaning questions. It may never happen. It already had. Maybe I should have said what was weighing on me. Hinted.
But like I have said, disclosing has to be a thought out decision. I was not sure who I could trust. It was me who had trouble trusting. But that was not a fault of my own when I had no-one in my life I could trust and had been through what I had been through. I did not want pity or sympathy though.
How could I trust when Odd would threaten to phone my parents behind my back in order to try and have me admitted to hospital for trying to leave him? Pillar with his duplicitious lies and scheming? My family who I had to make ALL the effort to see and keep in touch. Friends who were too young to want someone who had been bit by reality in their lives. I did want to do creative writing. But I was superstitious and did not want to tempt fate by saying. I had to tackle this elephant. It was not the right time to open up. I was going nowhere until this elephant was brought down and burned to ashes. I faced up to it. People noticed that I was discontented with my life. I was a shadow of my former self. I was not supposed to be where I was. And Odd wanted me to give up more thinking that no one would know or notice. It was all or nothing. But I was not caving in. Abusers like Odd never apologise.
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  #864  
Old 28th November 2022, 11:36
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default This is the age of e-book self publication after all

Why had I appeared to have given up? I left to work. I needed my job. To pay for the level I was competing at. Teachers told pillar I was lazy for dropping out so he told nestle that I was lazy. So my next manager would not give me time off and treated me differently to the younger male colleagues my age. Not with the same esteem and respect. I was self medicating because I had nowhere to go where I could relax for a single moment. It was before Four that I needed to unravel. I had nowhere to practice art so it had to be something else. I only did art to fill a gap. This was my home too and if writing could ensure I stayed....
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  #865  
Old Yesterday, 09:38
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default Re: If it is not broken

I never said that it must be the blue eyes that made pillar say there were plentymore in the sea. Odd would have "punched my lights out" for one. Odd wanted to play the field like his friends. So instead being "hard" and fighting was his life at the weekend. Everything that I hated and strove to avoid.
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  #866  
Old Yesterday, 13:23
Mr. Nobody Mr. Nobody is offline
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Default Re: If it is not broken

I am getting an audit soon
Who knows where it will lead?
All that stress for not very much hopefully
It seems odd to judge someone on one hour of one day,
When week in week out I'm busy, conscientiously trying to do everything I can to make things work.
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  #867  
Old Yesterday, 13:24
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Default Re: If it is not broken

Mr Bobby walks in the room and rustled some processed meat product,
Such is life... *sighs*
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  #868  
Old Yesterday, 20:35
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default Re: If it is not broken

Squandering a glimmer of creativity was a shameful waste. When my blood father had math and engineering books on his shelf and nothing else, I asked why he had no real books as in books that tell a story or factual stories. Literature or History or even true crime or thrillers. He never read? So what on earth did he do?
To him that was real books. Hard Math. Hard Science. He had a flight simulator on the computer. And scalpels in a pen holder. Black and white war films recorded and rewatched. No colour. No interest in culture.

Real books to me were Charles Dickens and Jack London. Ernest Hemmingway and George Orwell. Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings. The Bronte sisters. Daphne Du Maurier. Edgar Allan Poe and H.P. Lovecraft.
Games were supposed to be fun and admired for the imagination and story. I did want to fly a plane or sail a yacht or ship. I did not need to know how everything worked in order to have it as part of my life. I care about the bleaching of the coral reefs due to climate change without ever having been deep sea diving. When our actions and inaction to change our ways are leading to the death and extinction of life.

I knew that his mental health was in bad shape by being stuck in the past. By wishing to be in the past. He was completely wound up in his own misery and loss. Never would he snap out of it.
Writing as therapy where a person has to revisit the past is different. Because if you turn everything inside out again and again you will see the past differently. You can re-weave it into a different tapestry. One that is more colourful where the flower grows as it reaches towards the light. Life is like an arrow - you have to pull back in order to go forward sometimes.
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  #869  
Old Today, 07:58
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Default Re: If it is not broken

Another day,...
Once more into the breach my dear boy,
You can do it,..
*drags his metaphorical self out of bed and into the shower *
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