#1
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Are you a people pleaser?
I am. I think in order to be happy though I have to stop being a people pleaser. Maybe life is trying to teach me that.
I think to be happy I kind of have to stop seeking approval. I think I subconsciously seek it but then never seem to get the amount that I want. I also feel like certain people don’t consider my feelings. Was just speaking to a cousin that is in Nigeria, only started speaking a few months ago. It seems she wants to connect so I give her money or something. The reason I probably get infatuated with older women than me is probably because my mum doesn’t act like a mum probably partially due to her mental illness yet I feel like I am expected to act like everything is fine. I don’t think I can tell her about any problem because I don’t feel she would emphasise. For example, with my dad dying to lung cancer, my mum started smoking when I was in my late teens, her response was that he was a weak man. |
#2
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Re: Are you a people pleaser?
I'd like to quietly surf the wave of least resistance,
It's not pleasing to people, you become instantly forgettable, it's just navigating the potentially treacherous waters of human contact down the middle where you are seldom noticed, letting the tide waft you past the dark waters and whirlpools. Saying the right thing, and not a lot more eases you past, without a second glance. It just ain't worth it getting involved. |
#3
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Re: Are you a people pleaser?
We are taught as children to be compliant and that doing what is asked of us gets praise and love. It's a natural part of maturing - learning when to say no to certain things and being able to cope with the internal conflict and worries that can cause. It gets easier over time because people respect you more for being that way. They know not to try it on or take advantage.
I'm very sorry to read about the loss of your father, Alone |
#4
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Re: Are you a people pleaser?
Yep. Even though on a logical level I'm like 'most people's opinions are too shallow/capricious/illogical to put too much weight on', I'm still in the habit of doing things like trying to work out how a conversation went and what people think of me.
I don't think it's realistic to try to disregard people's opinions entirely - we've evolved to care about social inclusion, and no mind tricks will do away with that (sorry Stoics). But as I think is the case with most SAers, I could do with caring less. It's a habit that's hard to kick though. |
#5
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Re: Are you a people pleaser?
Very much so.
I'm usually thinking no, but saying yes. |
#6
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Re: Are you a people pleaser?
Yes, and I've often been taken advantage of because of that. A pattern I can see in my life is that I do my best to be nice to someone, finally realising I'm being treated with a certain contempt. Then there is a showdown, or I break off contact, and the other person is shocked and indignant that I am not behaving in my usual way.
I need to be more aware of how much give and take there is in any relationship, and not go too far beyond halfway to meet anyone. |
#7
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Re: Are you a people pleaser?
Yes, in some ways, more yes than no. In some ways it feels like it doesn't suit my personality though. So it's not extreme.
Are you looking for approval or looking for belonging? It seems to me like you are looking for belonging. |
#8
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Re: Are you a people pleaser?
I used to be...
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#9
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Re: Are you a people pleaser?
Yes, I use to think that the only reason I existed on this earth was to please others. My own happiness never came into it.
I still have issues with this particularly when it comes to people I have a strong emotional attachment too, but I am working on it. Even with my friend I've known since we were both teenagers, I still have to work on the friendship, still learning about how not to give so much more than I take. |
#10
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Re: Are you a people pleaser?
No generally I'm a people pisser offerer
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#11
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Re: Are you a people pleaser?
I have an uncanny habit which has been noticed by several people over the years without me dropping any hints e.t.c.
I like to try and please people to not upset anyone. I'm the sort who'd rather 'sit on the fence' and suffer the 'splinters' myself, than upset someone. However, regardless of what I do or say, I seem to greatly annoy the very people of whom I've done my best to keep happy. There's one notable work colleague of mine who seems to be happy with me one minute and then completely changes their mood towards me barely an hour later. I've given up on figuring out where I stand with him. This is why, in many cases, I'd rather just keep myself to myself. It's a situation I've been fed up with for many years. |
#12
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Re: Are you a people pleaser?
Oh God yes, most certainly I am. Unless I do please people I feel I will be rejected. Because I have always found it difficult to interact with other people I have to find other ways to win their approval. I am also aware that the physical symptoms of anxiety affect the way I look to others so I must do something to show them that I am not some kind of freak.Going out of my way to do all I can for them ( particularly so at work) helps me to feel that I won't be rejected, as I feel I would be unless I did this. Because I find it so hard to make and keep friendships I have to substitute something else in its place, and trying to please others is what it is. I don't want to be alone and friendless so this is the best option for me.
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#13
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Re: Are you a people pleaser?
I don’t think I’m a people pleaser. It’s not that I don’t want to please people, or that I just don’t care or that I like being contrary with others. Far from it in fact. Sometimes I simply can’t do what people want because my anxiety holds me back. At work, for example, I’ve turned down opportunities to represent a group and disappointed my line managers. Outside of work, I’ve often turned down invitations to parties, etc., and upset my wife or acquaintances. I do hate being put into these situations because I don’t like letting people down. The thing is I know some people who are equally as nervous as I am, but in a different way - for them the fear of disappointing people seems to be far greater than anything else and they’re people pleasers. In my case, my social anxiety is greater than the fear of disappointing individuals.
I guess it’s strange how anxiety can drive your behaviour with others in different directions. For some people it is important to learn to be assertive and say no sometimes, but in my case it’s learning to say no for the right reasons. |
#14
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Re: Are you a people pleaser?
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#16
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Re: Are you a people pleaser?
Quote:
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#18
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Re: Are you a people pleaser?
Sorry I'm too sarcastic. Ignore me.
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