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  #1  
Old 3rd February 2023, 01:30
Marie8 Marie8 is offline
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Default Asked to meet up out of work but have partner.. feeling awkward

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  #2  
Old 3rd February 2023, 02:26
Blackflies Blackflies is offline
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Default Re: Asked to meet up out of work but have partner.. feeling awkward

Your best bet is not to say anything about it until he actually tries to make a plan. When he does, you can try the slow fade. Eg “I have a few things on at the moment/life is a bit hectic right now, can I let you know when I have a bit more time?”. Most likely he won’t ask again or will ask twice at most. You did say “maybe” so the doubt or hesitation won’t be a shock to him.

Alternatively if you’re open to hanging out with him (platonically), just try to throw “my partner” into the conversation. Eg “what kind of foods do you like to eat? My partner and I love this local restaurant…”. You can also mention your partner to other staff members where he is in ear drop. You can use the same kind of theme, asking them what they did this weekend, seeking an answer that allows them to ask you the same back. Then make something up that mentions your partner. It’ll then feel less directly targeted at him if you’re worried you’ve misread this as interest when it’s merely platonic.

If you have his number and he asks directly, you could also say “I was on the spot the other day but I think on reflection I’d rather just keep things at work as is as I don’t have a lot of time at the moment to invest in outside friendships as much as i’d like to. Hope that’s okay?” I’d probably opt for options slow fade and operation inject partner into conversation though in case it is purely a platonic interest. I also don’t think a polite short coffee would bring too much pressure for it to develop beyond that, so at worst just go somewhere for a short walk or coffee and try to mention partner casually in the chat.
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  #3  
Old 3rd February 2023, 07:49
biscuits biscuits is offline
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Default Re: Asked to meet up out of work but have partner.. feeling awkward

That's okay that you felt a bit flustered in the moment and wasn't sure what to say. It's natural to feel a bit taken off guard when people ask you out of the blue because saying no can feel mean. It's a tricky one to respond to face to face, I find!

You can either keep making excuses, and he will take the hint that you're not interested. Or, like black flies said, mention your partner casually in conversation, so he knows of his existence. It's up to you which details of your private life you choose to share with others, so you can reveal the things about yourself that you feel comfortable with people knowing.
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  #4  
Old 3rd February 2023, 12:12
Mr. Nobody Mr. Nobody is offline
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Default Re: Asked to meet up out of work but have partner.. feeling awkward

you could ask, " oh, is it an office get-together for a pint down the pub?"

if not. then you could say, " oh, do you have a partner too?... we could all go, the four of us" and see what he says.
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  #5  
Old 3rd February 2023, 12:49
Rocket Spud Rocket Spud is offline
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Default Re: Asked to meet up out of work but have partner.. feeling awkward

Valentine's Day is coming up so there's a good opportunity to mention your partner (many, many times, lol). If you have a desk job, maybe bring in a picture frame of you and your partner. Start wearing a ring? Kick him in the balls... ?
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  #6  
Old 4th February 2023, 01:52
Blackflies Blackflies is offline
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Default Re: Asked to meet up out of work but have partner.. feeling awkward

^ lol that reminds me of when ‘Friends’ Ross Gellar sends a group of telegram singers to his girlfriend’s work place like a dog that marks his territory by peeing all over her desk. Claimed.
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  #7  
Old 4th February 2023, 11:33
Dougella Dougella is offline
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Default Re: Asked to meet up out of work but have partner.. feeling awkward

^ I really don't think that her saying maybe counts as leading him on. It already shows hesitance. It would be different if she had answered "yes that's be great, let me know when" or something like that.

But yes not being able to answer people in the way you really want to is an interesting and difficult aspect of SA.
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  #8  
Old 4th February 2023, 12:09
Rocket Spud Rocket Spud is offline
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Default Re: Asked to meet up out of work but have partner.. feeling awkward

Quote:
Originally Posted by Blackflies
^ lol that reminds me of when ‘Friends’ Ross Gellar sends a group of telegram singers to his girlfriend’s work place like a dog that marks his territory by peeing all over her desk. Claimed.
Lol, i vaguely remember that.

Really though, it's not a 'big' thing to do, people do this - my brother has family pictures on his desk. It clearly says to him 'not available' and to everyone else it's a nice thing.

This is highly dependent on you having a desk job though
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  #9  
Old 4th February 2023, 14:00
biscuits biscuits is offline
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Default Re: Asked to meet up out of work but have partner.. feeling awkward

^ maybe single people put pictures of their pets on their desk to show how available they are?

Quote:
Originally Posted by The Devil, Probably.
It's important that what for you is social anxiety doesn't become for him being led on.

Your case strikes me as as an interesting example of the different ways social anxiety plays out in the world.
yes, this is a really good point. Anxiety and being put on the spot can be all consuming and it makes it hard to even think of that sort of thing.

I hope you find a way that you feel comfortable with, Marie
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  #10  
Old 10th February 2023, 23:57
Mr. Nobody Mr. Nobody is offline
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Default Re: Asked to meet up out of work but have partner.. feeling awkward

Has this happened yet?

Has he been let down gently?

I sometimes think a slogan t-shirt would be handy for these SA situations?
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  #11  
Old 11th February 2023, 00:37
Dougella Dougella is offline
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Default Re: Asked to meet up out of work but have partner.. feeling awkward

^ I sometimes want to get a t-shirt that just says "no thankyou" on it. That could be helpful in many situations.
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  #12  
Old 12th February 2023, 12:31
Marie8 Marie8 is offline
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Default Re: Asked to meet up out of work but have partner.. feeling awkward

I deleted what I'd written in the post as was feeling stressed about it.

Thanks for the advice, I really appreciate it. I get so anxious sometimes I can't think clearly, so even simple things can be hard to think of what to say. I haven't seen the colleague yet as they've been off work which is making me feel more anxious as I just wanted to get it out the way. I'm hoping he won't mention it again when I next see him but if he does I will just say I don't have a lot of free time atm and hope he doesn't ask again. I would like to mention my partner, maybe say we do things at the weekends so I'm not free or something, but I find it difficult talking about myself, especially when I'm anxious and feeling really awkward and worried I'll stumble over my words and look stupid. I also worry he will be annoyed I didn't mention this in the first place and that I said 'maybe' to meeting up. I can't even remember exactly what I said but I must have seemed hesitant. Anyway, hopefully I can get this out the way soon!
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  #13  
Old 12th February 2023, 12:35
biscuits biscuits is offline
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Default Re: Asked to meet up out of work but have partner.. feeling awkward

^ it's really contrived but I find it ever so helpful to think of a response and to rehearse it a few times. Then when the anxiety hits you've got that rehearsed phrase to say. Saying something like, "Thank you for inviting me, but I've got plans with my partner on that day/evening/weekend," will kill all the birds with one stone.
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  #14  
Old 12th February 2023, 13:26
Percy Percy is offline
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Default Re: Asked to meet up out of work but have partner.. feeling awkward

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dougella
^ I sometimes want to get a t-shirt that just says "no thankyou" on it. That could be helpful in many situations.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/That-Says-N...s%2C227&sr=8-2
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  #15  
Old 12th February 2023, 14:03
Dougella Dougella is offline
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Default Re: Asked to meet up out of work but have partner.. feeling awkward

^ Thankyou!
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  #16  
Old 12th February 2023, 14:08
Percy Percy is offline
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Default Re: Asked to meet up out of work but have partner.. feeling awkward

You're welcome
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