Tips for overcoming social anxiety and meeting people

[gregarious_introvert]

I've noticed that, recently, there seems to have been an increasing number of YouTube videos posted about overcoming social anxiety, which is great, even if not all of them relate to everyone here (if you can take a small part of something and apply it, however, that's still an improvement); I thought it might be nice to have a thread where we can bring all these together, along with any hints, tips and useful information we can add from our own personal experience. We are all at different stages on our journey and I know that some of us here are in a much better place than when we first came to this site, so it would be good if those of us who have found some sort of solution (even a partial one) could share their wisdom; we're all individuals here and what works for one doesn't necessarily work for someone else, although the underlying principles are often the same and something which looks irrelevant can often be adapted to suit one's own circumstance.

I'm not going to write a long list of everything which has brought me to where I am now, but I will start the ball rolling with a couple of things which, I think, helped me and which I hope will resonate with some of you:

1. Identify any underlying cause for your social anxiety: quite a few of us, probably the majority here, have conditions other than social anxiety disorder which affect us, whether it be low self-esteem, body dysmorphic disorder, autism, depression, bipolar disorder, borderline (or other) personality disorder or whatever (or a combination of more than one of the above) and more often than not, these will be at the root of why our social anxiety affects us more than it affects the rest of the population. I would suggest that it is a good idea, wherever possible, to address any underlying cause either before or alongside addressing the social anxiety, since if we overcome social anxiety but the underlying cause remains, then we may find ourselves in the same position, or worse, than when we started.

2. Be comfortable in your own skin: a frequent cause of disorderly levels of social anxiety can be that we are (consciously or subconsciously) judging ourselves, which means that we are also expecting others to judge us; becoming comfortable in our skin makes that judgment far less crucial - if we have affirmation from ourselves, we don't need it from others. Remember that, if we meet people randomly, as many will dislike us as will like us (and we will dislike as many as we like), which is fine - we don't have to be liked universally (and nobody is, however it may seem).

3. Seek out social opportunities in your own milieu: what I mean by this is that we are going to connect best with people who share at least one common interest with us, so if you have a particular interest, or better still a passion, follow that and look for social opportunities around it; most often, we will get absorbed by whatever it is we are doing and then find ourselves engaging in conversation without that self-conscious intrusion which so often blights our interactions. It may be sport, when you're watching a game and something exciting happens and the stranger next to you says "Did you see that", or music, when someone turns to you and says "that's a great song", or art, when you're looking at a piece in a gallery and find yourself in a discussion about its meaning - it could be anything, but putting yourself into an environment which reflects who you are means that you are more likely to meet people with whom you feel an affinity (although having one shared interest doesn't mean that you are necessarily going to like a person, which brings us back to being ok with not liking people / being liked).

I think that's enough for now: if this thread attracts views and/or responses, I may add more later (although I may not have to, if others add their own hints and tips first). I realise that these things may seem reductive and over-simplistic and that they are bigger concepts than can be encapsulated in a single paragraph, also - as with everything - falling into the category of "easier said than done", but they are among the things which have helped me most (over an extended period of time, there is no such thing as a quick fix) and I hope that there will be something in there which helps at least one person here. Of course, I have ignored the effect that conditions like depression and anhedonia will have on one's ability to follow this advice and I don't have all the answers (I wish I did) so if this just looks pie in the sky to you, I apologise.

That's enough from me, let's hear what you think...

[Dougella]

[db838]

Agree with everything you say. Exposure therapy was the best remedy for me, just getting braver by doing things and eventually it becomes less scary. Even if you start small, I did things like going to a shoe shop and trying on shoes and talking to the colleague, even though I had no intention of buying them! Hard now in the current situation though.

[MissKatie]

Exposure therapy definitely worked for me but I wouldn't had been able to do that without the constant positive feedback from an old friend.
Even when I was really struggling her positivity helped me keep on trying.

I have my moments but I don't FEEL socially anxious anymore. But I'm still VERY quiet. I'm just not much of a talker and I'm absolutely okay with that

[waine]

Thanks for posting this it gives hope!

[waine]

This is what my brother was saying his mindset has somewhat changed. But it's scary as flip in jobcentre say or anywhere! even the launderette!

[waine]

have been trying in the smallest most miniscule of ways