SA making you appear stupid

[scarlettgirl]

...or am I truly a dummy?!

I went to a social thing this evening (was so close to backing out, but forced myself) and was introduced to four new people all at once. It was daunting but I got through the night fairly okay. Even so, I think their lasting impression of me is going to be; nice but kind of dumb. I was very friendly and laughed a lot (a symptom of my nerves for sure), but I was very eager for people not to think i was being cold or standoffish with my nerves, so I probably overcompensated with all the laughing. Besides that, I found it hard to make conversation whilst playing various card games we had out. It was hard enough trying to remember peoples names, and trying to contain my SA to a degree. As the night wore on I did start to relax and have a genuine laugh about certain things, but my brain was still blanking and unable to concentrate on so much stuff.

I wonder if I came across as stupid as I felt sometimes, or if people actually jus t picked up on my nervousness and maybe took it as that. I'm really not sure how I come across. It's strange, in the past people have said I seem very laid back, so who knows. I just feel paranoid about it, and maybe because of all of my social avoidance in recent years I actually am becoming more stupid?

I just feel conflicted about this evening. I;m very glad I went, and the people were nice, but then I wonder if they were just being nice because they could almost smell my fear hah.

[scarlettgirl]

Originally Posted by Change

Well done for not backing out and going!

Ruminating after social events is something I do a lot and a lot of the time the shame/guilty/confusion I feel afterwards can be too much and a reason why I withdraw and avoid future events.
.

Thank you Change! This especially rings true for me today. I keep remembering small moments whereby I could have said more, or been more engaged, or just not have seemed so blank and shallow. There was so much I wanted to say, but it was just too daunting. Besides all that, I was in a situation which required me to learn new things (tabletop games) so that was tasking enough for my poor brain lol.

It definitely does feel like a damned if you do, damned if you don't sort of scenario. I can't lie I felt out of my depth, and i guess a part of it is that these people already have banter going on between them, their own inside jokes etc. I didn't feel left out, but I did feel stupid in that respect. I have been invited to their next gaming night so perhaps this is a good sign, but I still get the inkling they only do it to be nice to my friend who introduced me to these guys in the first place.

I guess if nothing else I can use this as good experience for group situations.

Thanks again for such a positive reply.

[Percy]

This certainly used to be a big problem for me. Although not all of it was down to SA.

I think like any anxiety conditions you'd have a tendency to resort to safety behaviors, which probably would include not wanting to stand out. SA is essentially a fear of humiliation, so it's conceivable to me that you might not want to appear intelligent or knowledgeable for fear of looking foolish. Also if you're anything like me you might be insecure about your intelligence anyway, therefore have a conscious or subconscious need to keep your mouth shut.

As the saying goes "Better to Remain Silent and Be Thought a Fool than to Speak and Remove All Doubt".

That's my take on it anyway, tell me if you think i'm talking rubbish.

[anewyear]

Ah scarlettgirl big kudos for seeing it through and not backing out. I'd have found that pretty damn hard. I had a family thing today with distant in-law types who I ever only meet at family births and deaths etc every few years. Despite "knowing" then for more than 20 years I still have a mental block on some of the names (particularly a pair of sisters) which just makes me even less keen to engage and I reckon pretty dumb looking at the same time. So well done on seeing it through, hopefully next time will be easier.

[limey123]

I think you did very well just to go scarlettgirl, these things are by no means easy for folks with SA. So pat yourself on the back! I strongly suspect your concern about seeming "dumb" is unfounded. If someone seemed happy and was laughing a lot, I wouldn't normally come to the conclusion that they were stupid, unless they were really doing it to excess, and in that case, I would more likely assume they were just a bit nervous and trying to compensate.
One thing I find with SA is that it can in some situations "mute" you, in the sense that you cannot be yourself around people or say what you would really say were you not to have it. I write to many people and can really be myself then, but I would find it hard to have such candid or cerebral conversations with people face-to-face, it's like my mind often goes blank when actually talking to people in the flesh. And the more people there are there, the worse this issue gets. I'm my own worst enemy!
But in the scenario you mention above, this did not happen to you, and you I suspect came across just fine. You talked and you didn't draw a blank, so I bet you didn't seem "dumb" at all!