How is everyone feeling? (28) - Page 48

Rocket Spud · #**1411** 13th October 2013, 18:15

Restless and aimless.

I don't know what i'm doing from one moment to the next atm. I was pottering about earlier - i got bugger all done really, just a load of stuff i should have done yester(yester)day, but at least there was some sense and purpose. I paid the council tax (3 days before it was due!

) i hoovered, i did a wash and hung the clothes out. I've fed myself. Now, i'm just agitating over the week ahead and how i've not got any time... i've still yet to take this poxy parcel to the drop off point that i should have done Friday afternoon!

What happened to my weekend?

I remember leaving work ..

Alex652 · #**1412** 13th October 2013, 20:27

Fed up with being depressed. Everything is boring, everyone and everything is annoying me, and I just can't see the point of anything. Its getting to the point where I think I should see a GP or one of the councillors at my university. One day i'll be happy.

I'm also worrying about the future. If I can't be happy in the 'best years of my life', then **** knows how i'll cope in the real world when I leave university NEXT YEAR!!

MLP James · #**1413** 13th October 2013, 20:39

Facebook is bad, really, really bad. I haven't used it in a couple of years almost, one less thing to get stressed about.

Pablo Huntsbach · #**1414** 13th October 2013, 20:45

Quote:

Originally Posted by Amatus

Fed up with racist and xenophobic taxi drivers harping on at me about Britain 'not being for the English anymore' and how the foreigners are the reason the economy is collapsing. Blah ****ing blah. How on earth we live in a world that is still so hugely bigoted and ignorant continues to shock me. I don't want to hear it. Saw a racist photo on facebook this evening and it's making me want to scream.

Around here we pretty much got rid of white English taxi drivers. Problem solved! Or problem poorly disguised depending on how you look at it. Actually now you just get a bunch of middle class white people complaining about how 'that's another industry they've taken over' and other such bigotry.

Vanessa · #**1415** 13th October 2013, 20:55

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dandelion10

Trying very hard to learn French at the moment, I thought it would be easy but it isn't really, although Peter is fluent and he's impressed by how well I'm doing.

French is difficult :/ I started learning when I was 4, and every year in school, but I've been out of school for a couple years now and I've just lost the skill. I still understand it (I think), but can't speak it.

There is a site called duolingo which is free, and you can learn languages.

------------------

I actually feel pretty good, despite everything. In fact this is the best I've felt in a really long time. Yesterday was awesome, went to a meet and spent the day with Bf. Today we bought groceries and I'm going to bake later on. Also I got an email today from the agency, they might have a job for me starting Wednesday. There hasn't been any mention of an interview so I'm really hoping all this works out. Not looking forward to thanksgiving dinner tomorrow but meh, what can you do. I'm going to have a glass of wine before everyone gets here, and hope the evning goes okay.

Mr_Bean · #**1416** 13th October 2013, 21:28

I had a romanian taxi driver once complaining about Britain.

Mr_Bean · #**1417** 13th October 2013, 21:33

not joking either- complained about the average Brit, complained about the rain, complained about people who use taxis (?- being a taxi driver). I suggested to him to start his own taxi company as it was clear he was dim.

Dandelion10 · #**1418** 13th October 2013, 22:23

Thanks Vanessa, I'll check that site out.

I understand many of the verbs and day-to-day words. It's just the little linking words like 'Il n'y', 'a qui', 'ou a quelqu' un', 'je l'ai' 'plus ou' etc. Those tricky in-between words that are sometimes silent yet full of punctuation.

Plus French people speak so fast! Listening and understanding is probably the hardest part for me.

I want to learn about 4 languages in total and become an interpreter. I want to become proficient in languages to the point where I can earn a decent living by them, despite the SA.

MLP James · #**1419** 13th October 2013, 22:24

I'm so isolated and lonely, it's painful because there's nothing I can do about it. I have to accept it, but I'll never be happy with it. I'm not sure if there's any point to my life if I'll always be this alone. I'm alone because I haven't done anything about it, and I can't do anything about it without help. If I only had one person who cared about me, who could support me when I needed them, someone who would be a real friend to me, I would be happy. I don't need or want anything else.

All this time I spend alone without doing anything isn't good for me, I have to much time to reflect on how miserable I am, which makes it worse. But I have no choice.

All this depression is giving me a headache, I can't think straight.

Mr_Bean · #**1420** 14th October 2013, 00:17

Quote:

Originally Posted by Amatus

Me too, I know him quite well. When I told him I wanted to live in London, or an equally wicked city he said 'London? There are far too many mixed people in London, there are no English there any more. It's multiculturalism gone mad'.

I looked at him and said, 'You're from Romania, and you're complaining about other foreigners coming to London?' He laughed and said it was different because he was European.

I better retract my previous comment- if you're someone that knows him- but he was someone moaning about the customers he got and the rides he had to make.(brolly-drives?) And had quite an extended rant on Britain. Probably unlikely same person though as (the one I used) 222222 has hundreds of taxi drivers.

Vanessa · #**1421** 14th October 2013, 05:48

^^Thank you TG.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dandelion10

Thanks Vanessa, I'll check that site out.

I understand many of the verbs and day-to-day words. It's just the little linking words like 'Il n'y', 'a qui', 'ou a quelqu' un', 'je l'ai' 'plus ou' etc. Those tricky in-between words that are sometimes silent yet full of punctuation.

Plus French people speak so fast! Listening and understanding is probably the hardest part for me.

I want to learn about 4 languages in total and become an interpreter. I want to become proficient in languages to the point where I can earn a decent living by them, despite the SA.

I always had a deep down desire to become a French-English translator or interpreter. Doing what exactly, I don't know. All I knew was that I wanted to incorporate French into my career somehow.

A distant cousin of mine is somehow involved in that industry and gets to make a lot of money and travel all over the world. (Also helps that she's single, older and childless). One time she called us literally from Timbuctou.

The absolute best way to learn, really, is immersion. I spent 5 weeks practically sequestered in a small secluded Francophone town once doing an intensive language course, and when I got back I was still thinking in French and saying 'oui' by mistake lol. I hope you are able to go to France, it will help you improve a lot.

Tom Morello · #**1422** 14th October 2013, 11:37

Totally dejected, want to cry my eyes out. May as well just accept I'm completely unlikeable.

MLP James · #**1423** 14th October 2013, 11:54

Well, this day has completely turned around for me. This morning I was really pissed off because I found out that my mother has been stealing my money. I don't how long, or how she managed to find where I was hiding it. I'm not surprised that she would do something like this, but I'm still mad about it.

Now though, I'm so happy and relieved, I've been taken off my crappy work placement. Now I can volunteer whenever I want, it's going to be great. Also, it turns out that my advisor is very sympathetic of my social anxiety, the main reason she got me out of my placement was that it was a detriment to my mental health. I wasn't really expecting her to understand at all.

Amber Fyre · #**1424** 14th October 2013, 11:58

^ Yay, that's great news about the work placement. Glad she was supportive

Do you know where you are going to volunteer now?

MLP James · #**1425** 14th October 2013, 12:02

^ Yeah, same place I wanted to go to before, if they can have me that is. I'm not going to waste this opportunity.

http://www.rainbowrehoming.com

hellotiger · #**1426** 14th October 2013, 12:15

^Yay James I'm so happy that has worked out

I feel like I've been ripped apart and sellotaped back together.
I mentioned that I had been to a+e on Friday because of the suicidal thoughts and they had referred me to another part of the hospital so I went to that appointment and still no one could help me, all they could tell me was to ride it out and maybe go to my docs to be put back on meds (which is what I went for in the first place, but he sent me to a+e). It's hard to describe how I felt over those few days, it's the worst kind of pain and depression I've ever been in, like a malevolent force was feasting on my insides and all my brain could do was focus on the pain of it. I just wanted it to stop.
Mike advised me that I needed to ease the pressure off myself and instead of looking for somewhere to live with strangers that would only add to my anxiety, I needed to reconnect with my family. Yesterday I phoned my mum and asked if I could move in with her and dad as she had offered months ago, she said yes and I began to plan telling her everything when I moved back in - about all the depression and anxiety, the suicide attempt a few years ago and how I had been dealing with it all for years with it burdened on Mike as the only person I felt I could talk to.
I got a text from my sister this morning because my mum hadn't mentioned the break up to her, hoping that we would still work things out. She said she was sorry and she loved me very much, she is my big sister and if I ever needed her to just ask. I cried so much. For years I thought that my family didn't care but it was all just the barrier I put up to distance them from me.
When my mum phoned me this morning to talk about bedding for when I move in I broke down and told her everything I had planned to earlier than I had anticipated. She was very hurt that I had waited so long and worried that I would harm myself. She stayed rational through it all though and reassured me that I don't have to be alone, that my family love me and now I can talk to them when I need to.
I'm so ashamed of myself for not trusting them, I regret letting it go on for long and letting myself be this worn down. She said she's known for a long time that I'm unhappy and has been able to see past the fake smile. She said things to me that I've been thinking for a long time - about how I'm unrecognisable from my former self, how I've been getting stressed about insignificant things.

Right now I feel raw, scrubbed clean and sore. I still can't stop crying, my head is pounding but I feel immeasurably lighter. I know it's just the beginning but something that felt impossible 2 days ago, happened. It feels so good that I don't have to pretend any more.

Thank you so much to those who sent me messages or replies, I was able to read them over the weekend in my brief windows of clarity that I could actually take words in. Oh and respect to anyone who read that whole big chunk of text I just wrote

MLP James · #**1427** 14th October 2013, 12:21

I'm so glad that you're okay, Jenny, and that you aren't putting so much pressure on yourself now. Moving in with your family seems like the right thing to do, I'm sure that they've always cared about you more than you knew.

Amber Fyre · #**1428** 14th October 2013, 12:24

^^ Sorry you are going through such a tough time hellotiger, sounds like everything has crashed down on you at once

Glad to hear your family are being supportive, definitely sounds like a good idea to move in somewhere where you feel more comfortable and supported. I think we often assume people care less about us than they do. I hope from here you feel you can move forward and get better

hellotiger · #**1429** 14th October 2013, 12:37

Thank you both. I don't know how I convinced myself that my family didn't care but I did it a long time ago and it's just gotten worse.
I feel guilty still that I have told my mum about it all when she has a weak heart but I wasn't giving her enough credit for how strong she is, so I feel more guilty for not telling her sooner. It's all still very raw and confusing but I can't even express how relieved I feel about it all. It's a bit like I've been playing a role for years and I've finally given myself permission to be myself (warts and all) around them.

David K · #**1430** 14th October 2013, 12:52

Simultaneous

and

for James and Jenny. Just a

for Samba.

I've decided to write today off. I slept for less than an hour, I'm full of cold, and I'm in the middle of my first panic attack in over twelve months.

BennyB · #**1431** 14th October 2013, 13:08

^^ glad to hear you're heading back home to re-group. that's exactly what I had to do after having a bad time a few years back. A supportive safe environment when you're feeling so low is absolutely priceless, hope you feel better soon

BennyB · #**1432** 14th October 2013, 13:10

Quote:

Originally Posted by MLP James

Well, this day has completely turned around for me. This morning I was really pissed off because I found out that my mother has been stealing my money. I don't how long, or how she managed to find where I was hiding it. I'm not surprised that she would do something like this, but I'm still mad about it.

Now though, I'm so happy and relieved, I've been taken off my crappy work placement. Now I can volunteer whenever I want, it's going to be great. Also, it turns out that my advisor is very sympathetic of my social anxiety, the main reason she got me out of my placement was that it was a detriment to my mental health. I wasn't really expecting her to understand at all.

nice one with the placement

Amber Fyre · #**1433** 14th October 2013, 13:12

Quote:

Originally Posted by David K

I've decided to write today off. I slept for less than an hour, I'm full of cold, and I'm in the middle of my first panic attack in over twelve months.

I recommend the three step program:

Hope you feel better soon

BennyB · #**1434** 14th October 2013, 13:13

@ Samba & @ David K

Sorry you're having a rough time chaps, hope things settle down soon

hellotiger · #**1435** 14th October 2013, 13:33

Thank you David, sorry you're having a rough time. Good idea to write it off though, poo days happen.

Thanks Benny, I didn't realise how important it was to me to reconnect until I got so low. It's reassuring to read that someone else has headed back home and it did good.

Samba sorry that you think so poorly of yourself atm. I know that people think you are witty and fun and like you very much.
Edit: - Myself included in that if that wasn't clear

Pablo Huntsbach · #**1436** 14th October 2013, 13:56

Quote:

Originally Posted by hellotiger

Sorry that you've had a rough time of it lately, but it's good that your family are being supportive. Hopefully that will take the pressure off a little bit in future.

Sorry for anyone struggling today.

I was feeling all fired up, like I was ready to go out and meet people and be social, impress people and live life. Then I remembered that I've got nowhere to go, no opportunities to meet people or do much of anything, so now I feel a bit deflated.

hellotiger · #**1437** 14th October 2013, 14:20

^Ha good call on not wanting it quoted. Thank you Pablo

I've had that feeling before when I've been all geared up, it's frustrating.
Sometimes I've even done my make-up, hair and dressed nice but then had absolutely nowhere to go, so I take a vain selfie to remind myself I'm capable of looking normal and then change back into my pjs

Pablo Huntsbach · #**1438** 14th October 2013, 14:34

^I might still go out, walking around a shopping centre alone is probably better than staying home and reloading the same handful of websites over and over. I might even go wild and sit down to eat some food court noodles***8230;

Caribou · #**1439** 14th October 2013, 16:20

Quote:

Originally Posted by MLP James

Now though, I'm so happy and relieved, I've been taken off my crappy work placement. Now I can volunteer whenever I want, it's going to be great. Also, it turns out that my advisor is very sympathetic of my social anxiety, the main reason she got me out of my placement was that it was a detriment to my mental health. I wasn't really expecting her to understand at all.

Pleased for you, mate

What was the placement you were on?

MLP James · #**1440** 14th October 2013, 16:46

^ I was office stuff, but they had absolutely nothing for me to do. I would literally just sit there staring at the wall until someone told me I could go home. I used to think that I'd be suited to working in an office, but know I know that I don't want to be anywhere near an office.