The Suicide Thread - Trigger Warning

[Mellie]

it's okay to moan girlinterrupted, and please don't isolate yourself. I like talking to you in chat and others do too. sorry you are struggling so much. it sounds hard with everything going wrong, I know everything can seem over whelming when things go wrong and when you have depression it's hard to deal with it all. I am really sorry you haven't got understanding doctors. Could you change your surgery?

Do you get counselling? Might be able to help you get to the person you were before. I know what it's like to not be able think straight with too many thoughts going on, you are doing well to keep yourself distracted and seems as if you are trying hard to keep yourself occupied. Always feel free to vent to me if you want, I know what it's like to struggle. hope you feel a bit better today.

[limey123]

Originally Posted by MissyP.

Thank you guys, I did find someone to talk to and got through it last night

Great, Missy, hopefully this is the beginning of your path to recovery. Take care.

[gregarious_introvert]

@MissyP. glad you found someone to talk to, but also glad that you remembered we're here for any time you don't. I hope you're still feeling better.

@Sunrise: you say that you're not depressed, but one of the symptoms (for me, at least) is the removal of all hope; it could well be depression which is causing you to think that you have no future, although you are currently contemplating big changes in your life and a level of concern is only natural. I know that you have a tendency to play things down, but perhaps it's time to look at your situation from another perspective? You mention getting older and running out of chances, but you have a while yet before that happens. Whatever happens with work and other areas of your life, there will be a way to adapt, although change is frightening for most of us; you do have the resourcefulness to find a way through.

@girlinterrupted: I'm sorry to hear that you're going through so much right now, but sometimes a really good cry can be cathartic and help to exorcise some demons whilst clearing our heads about a way forward. I'm sorry to hear that your GPs are being so unhelpful (this seems to be a recurring theme here lately) but hope that you're able to find the help you need from somewhere (self-referral for therapy or perhaps the crisis team?). You say that your issues are things to which others might not give a second thought, but these things accumulate in our minds and overwhelm us, then with so many at once, it seems impossible to know where to start, so each thing may seem trivial but together they are far greater than the sum of their parts and become a monster! Don't concern yourself either with people who have it worse than you, because they are not the ones experiencing what you are now and how you feel is particular to you - trivialising your issues will not resolve theirs, so don't add guilt about "whining" (which you're not, you're seeking a genuine, healthy outlet) to the issues you have. You've shown great strength in the past and I hope you can find it again, but any time you're struggling, you know that you have people here who care and will support you.

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[Mellie]

I keep thinking about jumping off the cliff.

[Mellie]

I’m at home, got my dad coming over in a bit to sort out things x

[gregarious_introvert]

Goodbye everyone. Live well.

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[girlinterrupted]

@skittles @gregarious_introvert Sorry it's taken so long to reply, by the time I had pulled myself together a bit got felled by a couple of physical things. Thank you so much for the support, it really does help having somewhere to vent, or even ramble to try and make sense of my own thoughts. Means more than you know

@Nanuq Firstly, yay so good to see you posting again, even though I've just caught up and seen what an awful, awful time of it you're still having. I'm sorry you're going through similar emotional upheaval, although with everything you're dealing with it would probably be unnatural if you weren't- really glad you managed to find a way to find some peace in the middle of it all. It's the little moments sometimes that get you through, isn't it (great choice of music too may I say ).
So sorry you and your son are experiencing the same lack of access to help, please do feel free to slap my GP whenever the urge comes across you, at this point I'll hold him for you (or we could swap and I'll slap your previous one while you do mine, they'll never see it coming).

[Consolida]

^^ Are you okay Gregarious?

[girlinterrupted]

@gregarious_introvert I hope you're ok, I didn't see your post it must have gone up as I posted mine

[alpha]

@gregarious_introvert I really do hope you're OK, don't know what else to say without knowing any other details, sorry.

Personally I'm feeling like life is not worth living during indefinite lockdowns, except for those in a happy home situation who are surrounded by person(s) they can relate to and make them feel content. The rest of us are all collateral damage as far as the government is concerned, who are to be castigated and shamed for daring to spend time any time at all with people who make them feel less lonely.

[Mellie]

girlinterrupted feel free to vent to me anytime you want, also anyone else here can if you want to, I'm happy to listen to anyone here.

[limey123]

Originally Posted by Consolida

^^ Are you okay Gregarious?

Yes, GI, please let us know you're OK, that above all else. And please don't say you're leaving?

[Mellie]

He is okay.

[newbs16]

^ Is he alright Skittles?

[Mellie]

he's fine

[limey123]

Thanks Skittles for telling us. Hope you are doing OK too.

[Mellie]

I'm okay, feeling a bit better now back on medication, still get my moments but trying to be positive hope you are well limey.

[limey123]

^ Glad you're doing better, Skittles It sounds like things overall are getting better for you. Pleased to read this.
I'm doing not bad, thanks.

[Mellie]

thanks glad you are okay too.

[quietguy]

I want to die
That is my general feeling today, not particularly depressed (no more than usual) but more just the endless ****ing struggle, the million endless worries and anxious thoughts, the life goals that seem a million miles away and don't even know what small steps I can take today or whats the point in taking them.

And just a peaceful existential feeling of whats the point, like I say not in any kind of depressed way , like if i died today all the worries and pointless bullshit would just go away

And I'm fairly sure that at least someone (don't know who) knows my real identity and looks at everything I post on here (god knows why they need to get a life) and no doubt talks about how mad I am etc. but f*ck it let em talk, that's how I feel today I just want to die and I just needed to get it off my chest.

Edit: I have seriously been considering whether going on some form of anti-depressants would help (with my general lack of motivation to do anything) it might be worth trying again... Has anyone else who has experienced severe/debilitating depression been prescribed ant depressants and found that they have helped and had a positive impact on your life?

[Dougella]

^ I have been on antidepressants for quite a few years, they're not a cure but they have lifted my mood somewhat and they help to stop that thing that you're describing where your mind is full of anxious thoughts. You might need to try it and see how it goes, or try a few different ones before you find one that suits you best.

[Mellie]

hope you feel better soon quietguy. I have been on a lot of medication... they don't really get rid of the suicidal thoughts but they help with motivation, like Dougella said they aren't a cure.

[gregarious_introvert]

^^^ I can't say anything about antidepressants, quietguy, but I can identify with that feeling of wanting to die (I've had it most of my life) and thinking that not existing would also mean not struggling - but what I've learned (quite late in life) is that it's really a matter of mindset. In another thread here (about dreading autumn and winter), Jen has posted a link to an article from which I think we can all benefit, about whether we view difficulties as opportunities.

It's true that joy comes in small doses, but I've come to the conclusion that it's for that reason that we appreciate it more; whatever one's interests in life (for a nature lover, perhaps seeing a pretty flower or a beautiful butterfly, for a trainspotter it may be seeing the Flying Scotsman, while an art lover can appreciate Michelangelo's David - etc.), there is always something more to anticipate and we keep going forward in the hope and expectation of those moments.

It's also true that life is, ultimately, pointless - at least for those of us who don't create a timeless work of art, make a major scientific discovery, change the world in some other way or feel that we live on through our descendants (even then, it may enrich humanity but it won't matter to us after our lifespan - unless there is some form of afterlife or reincarnation) - as our time is limited, but it's our gift to find our own meaning and create the existence which fulfils us.

I've also found that negative emotions can have positive aspects too: a few months ago, I lost the love of my life, but I have the memories of the best of our times together, which were worth the heartache (and the complications which followed) and also showed me how wonderful life can be, giving me hope that, eventually, I may be lucky enough to experience that again; the death of my parents made me determined to live my best life and not to waste their efforts in raising me. We have the option to see things as setbacks or catalysts for change.

None of this, of course, helps to overcome conditions like depression (in its many forms) or anhedonia, which may require medication, but a positive mindset can make life seem like less of a struggle and more of an opportunity.

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[quietguy]

^ Thanks I actually found that quite helpful, feeling totally different today though as been keeping really busy all day and yesterday (more out of necessity than anything else) I'm always much worse when sat around with nothing to really occupy my time, just keeping busy helps especially when you're so busy that you haven't got time to ponder how pointless it all ultimately is, this is the key I think.

[Mellie]

I know you said you didn't want anyone to quote to your post, but can I just say people would notice you've gone on here, seems like a lot of people appreciate you on here and are there for you. As for insomnia, that can make everything seem worse, been there myself... Have you tried sleepy anti depressants to help you sleep? I am glad you have your son and husband at least, and I hope they are both supportive and there for you when you feel at your lowest.

As for groups , could you find a mental health one where there are nice supportive people? Not all people are horrible. I know it may seem that way especially since a lot of people are getting selfish these days... And as for hobbies, I know you can't get out of bed but you could try tapestry and do that while in bed? It passes time. I don't enjoy it but it passes time.

Sorry you are feeling so low, I really hope you feel better soon. Also sorry you got banned from that group. they should of contacted you first!

[Moksha]

Sorry to hear you feel that way Consolida. For what it's worth, I always enjoy reading your posts. You seem an intelligent, interesting, kind-hearted person. The world needs people like you!

You say that no one would notice if you were gone. Well, join the club! Very few humans leave a footprint. Indeed, many great writers, artists, politicians and military leaders, who were famous in their day, are now completely forgotten. I kind of like the idea that I'll be forgotten when I'm dead. How awful it would be to leave behind vast crowds of sobbing mourners! Try and take a cosmic perspective on it all. We live on a speck of rock and metal orbitting a medium-sized star half way through its lifespan. Our sun is one of billions of stars in our galaxy, which is itself one of billions of other galaxies, each with billions of stars. A couple of billion years from now the sun will swell up and burn the Earth to a crisp. Life really is a joke, and we'd all be much happier if we stopped taking it seriously.

I totally get what you mean about horrible, spiteful people. The world is full of ***holes. Unfortunately, you have to endure the horrible people in order to find the good ones. And that is an art I haven't yet mastered. Dealing with people you can't stand is one of the worst things in life. But it isn't just SA sufferers who feel that way. Even confident, happy people get knocked off course by some of the monsters out there. You have to learn to ignore them. After all, you wouldn't listen to the rantings of a spiteful five year old. And that is about the level of some people. Also, a lot of vile people are deeply damaged themselves.

[Dougella]

^^^^ I would very much notice if you disappeared Consolida and obviously a lot of others here would too

[Chess&Junkfood]

I couldn't agree more with what Dougella has said. Im also sorry that I'm not better with words Consolida. But I will say that I think you are Sensational! And that's not a word I use lightly!

[newbs16]

Muggins, in the past if you've had a short break I've noticed that you wasn't around. You are a lovely, kind and caring lady and I just wish your health and wellbeing would improve.

[Consolida]

Thank you everyone so much for your kind messages. It means a lot to me and, as always, helps me to get through those times when I've lost all perspective and the world looks bleak x