Faking confidence

[We_Hate_You]

The main guy in a band and I recently joined is an ultra confident chatty loud mouth joker but has anxiety and depression problems. I had a conversation with a friend of his once who said "He seems really confident doesn't he?" and I'm like "Uh yeah, just a bit. He's definitely the loud mouth type." And he says "well yeah, that's what he puts across." The conversation kind of died there and I regret not asking about it. The problem is I always have a fear of intruding and being too personal, which is silly because he brought it up like he was expecting me to ask questions!

Cool story bro.

Anyway, I've been thinking a lot about just going with the "fake it til you make it" method but not sure if it's the right thing to do as I'm a terrible actor and liar. Sometimes I think maybe everyone is fake and I just need to create a persona for myself.

What's your view/experience? Is there anyone here who makes them self appear confident despite having inner anxieties? Are people surprised to hear you have anxiety problems? Does faking it eventually make you naturally confident? Is there such a thing as real confidence?

[Aelwyn]

Firstly I don't think I could fake confidence - if I feel anxious, unfortunately it shows! I know this from seeing photos of myself at some social events.

Secondly, I don't see the point in trying to fake it. You'd just be repressing a lot of issues that would still need to be dealt with some time, and I suspect you'd feel pretty miserable acting like something you're not. I think it would be healthier to try to face the problems and look at various ways of approaching them - maybe small step by small step, so that it won't be too overwhelming.

[Progress]

You don't strike me as the type who admires people who are loud and over confident so I don't think it would work for you to try and fake it. I'm also not a believer that it works to hide your real personality. I wonder if a more laid back, quietly confident personality might work for you. I've occasionally be told I seemed cool or laid back because my shyness strips any emotion from my face.

I do think there is real confidence. One of the main things that can build confidence is success, which is really difficult when it's not happening. I personally find I have to work very hard to put any 'failures' out of my mind and any tiniest little success I try to remember and say to myself 'that's good, if I can do that then I can take another step forward and do even more'.

Good luck.

[HardRockGlamour]

I'd love to fake it but unfortunetely as soon as I leave the house I'm on alert and my anxiety can probably be seen from miles away. It's like I can't think. I try to walk taller, but I feel like I'm walking like a clown. I try to keep my head up, but I'm pulled back to the floor. I can't even walk down the street faking it.

I don't think 'fake it till you make it' is just about appearing loud. If that's what you want to come across as, fine, but I think it's more about simply appearing confident and with healthy self esteem. You don't need to be loud to be confident. I think trying to be a loud leader is overcompensating. (If you are naturally not.)

[We_Hate_You]

The problem is I'd like to be really confident and loud, and I can be with people I know well. I was like that in school, only in more of a juvenile class clown way, but I miss being like that. I'm just sick of taking baby steps and not really getting anywhere.

I agree with you about the success thing, Progress. The ultimate success for me right now would be just to have a small circle of friends, but I don't see any opportunities.

[Mr. Nobody]

sometimes I think I've kind of 'cracked-it'.. i.e. found a way to be confident and relaxed in situations.
when it's worked, it seems to be about seeing that it's you who is creating the nerves and anxiety yourself, and it's your choice whether or not you relax, enjoy the situation and go with the flow, or perhaps choose to remain nervous.

I've tried this a few times and it seems to work for me, my only issue then seems to be that a form of guilt settles in me like " I should be doing more than just sitting back, taking the situation easily",.. almost as if I've managed to programme myself to accept and expect anxiety and nerves in a social setting, and not feeling that creates a kind of new depth and unexpected ease that I'm initially unsure of. ( kind of like : " is it this easy?" )

[Progress]

Originally Posted by We_Hate_You

I was like that in school, only in more of a juvenile class clown way, but I miss being like that.

I was the same, quite a clown at school, but adolescence took it away.
I've got a lot of my humour back now but it needed a fair bit of therapy to discover stuff about my relationship with my father, anger with him and others, and my own inappropriate use of anger.
Unfortunately it does take time and a lot of very small steps.