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  #1  
Old 13th April 2021, 10:49
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default No stigma, no scapegoating, only working like a dog *trigger warning

When I moved in with old flame,
The evening's we spent together
Always began with him,
Throwing torrents of abuse my way.
His favourite starter was by far:
"I have the life of a dog noo"
I encouraged him to take that job
So I did feel partly responsible.
He couldn't admit that he was tired,
So he twisted "working like a dog"
Into his version "I have the life of a dog."
He refused to admit to himself that
It was his work that
Was making him ill tempered and abusive.
But he was the same when
He was living at home.
I witnessed him after work,
Where he would verbally assault
Anyone who got in his way.
He was most irrational after work.
Consequently, months later
After moving in with him,
When the abuse wouldn't stop,
I ended up in A&E after an overdose.
His abuse - the demeaning jokes, derogatory insults,
Threats to hit me, continually belittling me- did not
Take long to regain momentum.
The emotional and verbal assualts
Remained fairly constant for all
The years we lived together
But the physical assualts came
In spits and spats.
He eased up slightly when
I landed a better job.
After I had to work forty to fifty hours
A week whilst attending college.
But I couldn't live like that
Not knowing when he was going to erupt.
I remember the lull and
Him saying: I thought
We were getting on better.
I was still young when I left
And I would not have
Fought to sell the house for my share.
I worked hard and I had to leave/flee with nothing
But frayed nerves and broken self-esteem.
All I wanted was a fresh start.
When I left him, he couldn't have
Cared less if I rotted away in a ditch.
One night when he was angry and drunk,
I passed out from a submission hold
Of his own invention.
All because a man
Spoke to me at the bar.
I did nothing. Didn't smile or speak.
The bar was so busy
I had to wait for space to move away.
He flipped out when we got home
And I explained that I couldn't move
In the bar when
It was packed to the rafters.
There was no remorse
From him, after what he had done.
I had learned by then
That abusive men like him don't apologise.
I was living on tenterhooks,
Stressed and worried that
If I couldn't ease the financial burden,
By gaining better employment
Or by working all the hours god could send,
The hulk was going to lose it.

Last edited by Spideysenses; 15th April 2021 at 18:18. Reason: Errors
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  #2  
Old 13th April 2021, 12:23
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default There can't be forgiveness without justice first

I should never have
Needed another stay in a rehab ward.
All the pressure and all the abuse I endured,
And the conspiracy theories
Stemming from the stigma,
Stacked against me,
I had to make a choice.
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  #3  
Old 13th April 2021, 15:41
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default Advertisement games urls atm wtf wth §

Loading simplesite.com
Domain name www.aboutbipolar.com
Go pro and get your personal
Domain name for free
Renewal May 13th
Features unlimited space
And no advert's. None.
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  #4  
Old 14th April 2021, 10:39
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default No need to sell yourself short

I don't have to explain why. I am not damaged goods.
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  #5  
Old 14th April 2021, 10:51
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default Love & Purpose

Freud said work and love. Purpose and love is better.
I am reading works from Erich Fromm.
The art of loving. The art of being. The art of listening. Escape from freedom( or the rat race)
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  #6  
Old 14th April 2021, 11:24
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default Kick off

Justice has been done?
No not yet.
Nowhere near it.
The ball is rolling.
I won't stop it anytime soon.
I do have witnesses
That will provide statements.
Witnesses at the party
Is a sure fire win.
He was pushing me around
Squeezing my arm
And man handling me,
And yelling the most
Damaging obscenites he could muster,
With people around to witness.
It was obvious he would
Have hit me if we were at home.
Colleagues who saw me
Dash home in a blind panic
When I thought I'd left a tap on.
They knew I was afraid to death of him.
Everyone knew that
There had to be a reason
Why I had not left
To get my career kick started.
That a meltdown should have
Only have been a blip for me.
Over the moon for
Whom he fought with for sport,
Where he broke their ribs
Smashed their cheekbone and more.
There will be reports that will confirm
I was suffering from a form of complex ptsd
Once the relationship ended.

Last edited by Spideysenses; 18th April 2021 at 15:44. Reason: Delete coarse language
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  #7  
Old 14th April 2021, 18:38
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default Never once has....

Never once has an outted abuser sued a memoirist - see the article below. All I need are witnesses to corroborate the truth. I am beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

How Not to Get Sued for Your Memoir | HuffPost
https://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/us_12035000
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  #8  
Old 14th April 2021, 19:06
No Longer Human No Longer Human is offline
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Default Re: No stigma, no scapegoating, only working like a dog *trigger warning

Fromm used to be a favourite writer of mine. Man for Himself is a great read, as is the Sane Society.
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  #9  
Old 15th April 2021, 13:58
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default Wildfire

I will admit that after a bipolar diagnosis I read some non fiction guides. But I mainly veered towards reading personal memoirs on mental health than renowned psychologists.
I never thought I would be able to release a memoir. When
my plans were discovered/rumbled online, my family did not speak to me for about 4 months, so I came to realise that I could officially write about a section of my life without needing to talk about my family. Be like Holden Caulfield and say, well I know my family were never going to win awards for sacrificing anything or busting a gut for their kids. But this is about me. Me and my adult life, post eighteen. I'll start right in the thick of it. I am on suicide watch in the general hospital. You heard me right. The mental health wing in the general hospital. Changed days.
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  #10  
Old 15th April 2021, 15:56
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default If you tell the truth you don't need to remember anything

Do not listen to the words of someone trying to hurt you, just remember the intentions behind those words and rise above it. Hell hath no fury? Patience and then live. Be the best version of yourself. That is why I wanted to become a writer. So I did not have to put on a mask nine to five and pretend.
Opinion and speculation are to be avoided but it can be ruled in the public interest, so take a risk. Sign the agreement with the publisher. Telling the truth should be the easiest task on planet Earth. Why is it so excruciatingly hard for some? More memoirs. More truth. More silver linings. Live and let die. Live and let live.
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  #11  
Old 16th April 2021, 14:47
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default The rat race

Reverence

[Verse 1]
And through it all, we wore the pain
We held our own through the darkest of our nights
It’s written in my blood, it's carved into my soul
Through the darkest of our nights
'Cause if you couldn't stop us then
What hope do you have now
When you dragged us through the fire
Did you really think that we would burn?

[Chorus]
We're no saviours, we're no saints
We're no martyrs and we don't need saving
I've come too far to turn back
I've seen too much to play dead
If this is all you got, then take a deep breath in
As I drown you out

[Verse 2]
I'm on the edge, I'm leaning out
But I can't see the sorrow for the pain, yeah
It's written in my blood, it's carved into my soul
The sorrow and the pain
So, you think you know the story?
Did you read it in the scars?
'Cause when you threw us to the lions
Did you really think that we would run?
[Chorus]
We're no saviours, we're no saints
We're no martyrs and we don't need saving
I've come too far to turn back
I've seen too much to play dead
If this is all you got, then take a deep breath in

[Bridge]
Don't mistake composure for weakness
Don't mistake my silence for respect
Don't mistake composure for weakness
Don't mistake my silence for respect
I'll burn your world to the ground then spit on the ashes

[Breakdown]
Scorched ****ing earth
Scorched ****ing earth
As I drown you out

[Outro]
I've come too far to turn back
I've seen too much to play dead
If this is all you got, then take a deep breath in
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  #12  
Old 18th April 2021, 10:50
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default Re: No stigma, no scapegoating, only working like a dog *trigger warning

I don't regret losing the plot
With my parents and saying
To them that it was too late,
I was always last in the pecking order.
But with family I have learned
That it is sometimes better late than never.
Not for prying eyes and it
Was not a decision I took lightly.
Like many I had to choose,
And that decision can't be undone.
In my case I was never
Going to be able to have
A relationship with both sides.
That was before I learned the whole truth
After having to dig for it.
It wasn't too late. My family did care.
Sometimes it is necessary to
Dull your emotions to get by.
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  #13  
Old 18th April 2021, 15:50
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default It was spineless and cowardly

He was not saying what others were afraid to say. To plant a seed was the only one who told old flame to leave. No one else was that heartless. I cannot ever forgive a person for setting out to destroy a relationship knowing the other person was on suicide watch in a hospital ward. It beggars belief.
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  #14  
Old 20th April 2021, 09:35
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default For the Fallen Dreams - Nightmares

Why did he do this? Back me into a corner. It was never a choice to do this. Forgiveness without justice, is meaningless. He didn't want to have kids or build a life with me as having bipolar made me imperfect. He knew that I was not forever in his debt because he visited me and stayed with me after a meltdown. He knew I would need to quit my potential burgeoning career once I left. He knew that I needed and was capable of more. He knew that I had given all my toil into that cursed, god forsaken house and our life and I had nothing spare to tide me over. He knew that it was touch or go with my family. That they had not sorted themselves out yet. That I was more of a responsible adult than they were. It need not have come to this.
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  #15  
Old 22nd April 2021, 17:41
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default Re: No stigma, no scapegoating, only working like a dog *trigger warning

Was I technically homeless? I was in danger of being made homeless. More specifically my mental health was in danger. I did not have a supportive family to go back to. I could have moved back. For a while. I was not a qualified professional who could rent an apartment or a flat. I should have been and of course I was mad knowing if I had had a stable loving home, and hadn't been through all the messed up #### I had been through, I would have been a high flyer. It wasn't my home life alone to blame. A thousand papercuts so the saying goes. To be fair I did not think that not being able to gain a high paying job warranted
or deserved sympathy. On the contrary. People love a fall from grace story. It is not uncommon. I didn't think that anyone had an ounce of sympathy for me. False ploys to save their own skin but not genuine remorse. I preferred it that way. It granted me freedom to pursue my own endeavours. I had not lost everything. Things had changed. I had changed. But not all was lost.
Writing wasn't only a dream. It was my way out. For once in my life people believed in me. I was overwhelmed. Of course there were parts I wish to this day nobody saw. It was all accurate. The baseball bat. Him, my family and my feelings. It was all one hundred percent true. Aside from my stupid assumptions on finding spirits. I did not think anyone close would ever see it, so I had no reason to lie or miss out revealing details. Resulting in a raw, heartfelt cry for help.
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  #16  
Old 22nd April 2021, 18:49
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default You won't be able to afford representation thumpstar

I was a nervous wreck in need of help. I had grown up walking on egg shells. I had a breakdown. Then I moved in with someone who had used me as an emotional punch bag. I had not had a chance to heal properly.
At that moment in time, I could not have moved back home for any longer than a few months. Even now I still come to blows with my parents. I will alway need to put extra effort into maintaining the peace. I would never have moved in with a friend. I did not have a friend who didn't have a partner or did not still live at home. I was only twenty three. I was too young to give up, but jaded and wise enough to know that I was going to end up sleeping in a car fit for the scrap yard if I did not get help.
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  #17  
Old 23rd April 2021, 14:47
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Post Jokes aside

Love you even though you are a pill haed.
You hae a job my feel aunt can dae.
You are nuhin special .
Someone like you is lucky to hae a man like me,
A funny ferm reject like you.
I decide ahin under this roof mind at .
Money goes to money badoing.
By #### I can dae better than you. Everyone Kanes.
Do you honestly hink anyone speaks or thinks aboot you?
This is the first remotely decent meal
You have bothered your ### to cook me ah week.
You left me like a spare part at a wedding.
If your nae first you're last.
At least you can say you were
Good at something at one point of your life.
Now you will never be anything after that place.
If you really need a hobby. You will never be a writer.
I hae higher principles than most men.
You need help.
It is ah in your soft mind.
If you canna hit me, quit bumping your gums.
No arguing if you canna hit me. Mon then.
You will come to bed now so you
Do not wake me up when you come upstairs.
If you leave you may as well put a noose around my neck
As I will be a hermit if I need to paye ah the bills
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  #18  
Old 24th April 2021, 07:54
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default If someone tries to make you question your worth, it is them who do not deserve you

- I hae the life of a dog
=Join that football team!
-They are u s useless
=Why don't you join
A pool or darts team then?
Message the troupe on online
-The bridges are burnt
You just wint
Me out of the hoose
So you can sl@p around behind my back.
That is exactly what it is
You are a ward number
Thirteen reject who
Is lucky to hae a man like me
Just you mind at.
=Wow why do you do this?
You know I won't cheat.
Do you have to rub
My failure in where
You know it hurts?
Throw everything back in my face?
I know the hospital is
To blame for me growing
Apart from my pals.
But I have never stopped
You from doing anything.
I am sick of trying.
I can't do any better here.
I was supposed to be more.
You resent me for having been in treatment
Not the other way around.
But you will never change
Or move for me. So I am stuck!
- I kane how to solve this - try and hit me
Mon then, hit me, hit me
=thinks thank god I never
Said sorry I am not perfect
Like you think you are. I'd be dead.

Last edited by Spideysenses; 1st May 2021 at 09:19. Reason: Title
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  #19  
Old 25th April 2021, 08:53
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default Cold - Year of the Spider

Looking up artist Cold, album - Year of the Spider
I tried to end it.
I tried to leave many times.
I didn't want to stay
In my home town.
I told him we should take a break.
A melt down didn't feel like a
Cruel twist of fate for me.
This was always going to happen.
That I'd need to get help
After a thousand cuts.
I didn't listen or take on
Board any of his assumptions and jokes
And I still was sick as a dog,
Worn out and worn thin,
When the relationship ended.
What did he think was
Going to happen if
He plied on pressure
And attacked me in every way possible?
I was depressed with my life
As I needed more.
What if he had put
Some other girlfriend through
What I had went through?
No other woman would
Have stuck by him for long.
If he hadn't met me
He would never have
Known where the lines were.
By saying I would never
Be anything or not letting
Me feel sorry for myself,
Gave me the fire in my belly
And determination to carry on.
I appreciated him for
Being there when my friends were not.
I wouldn't have fallen
In with the wrong crowd.
I'd spent my life
Avoiding the vultures
I encountered at eighteen.
So why would I fall into that trap?
Did twenty eight day's in hospital
Mean life would be out of my reach permanently?
I refused to believe it.
Not everyone thought so.
Was it ward number thirteen
That ensured we wouldn't last?
Or was it over the
Minute he said I would never be anything,
And whining about
How much valentines day
Flowers cost from the florist.
Was I really l worth it?
Seventy for a bunch of roses.
This was the most expensive gift
He ever bought me for the
Whole duration we were together
And he could not even
Force himself to say I was worth it
And it was not a mistake.
I begged him to let
Sleeping dogs lie.
I told him dredging
Up the past with me,
Was taking it's toll.
I will leave if you think
You can continue to treat me this way.
He knew that when I had
Broken out of the rutt
I was in, that he would
Need to apologise or I would leave.
What did I want?
I never answered him
And that wasn't like me.
Stop threatening to hit me.
How can you dream of trying to
Have me put into hospital?
Knowing, first and foremost that there
Are potentially violent men there?
What makes you think
You can play Russian roulette with my life?
My family are drama seeking
And responsibility shirking?
Actions have consequences.
What was he playing at?
There is a mountain of
Evidence to show I lived with him.
Work payslips from the inland revenue
As well as all the bills I paid.
I was a named driver.
There is no settlement
That can buy back
Years of my life I spent
In miserable conditions
Where I could have
Been making and building a life for myself.
I needed time.
I did not need a person
Who set out to break me down.
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  #20  
Old 27th April 2021, 07:38
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default Stranger than fiction

If I were doing the wrong thing my family would have advised me to stop by now. But they know I need this. That a second stay was avoidable. They know that I won't stick at a job that doesn't stimulate me intellectually. When reality is as strange as fiction, I feel I have a duty to shed light on this. Considering JK Rowling was turned down countless times for Harry Potter, then I best prepare for a long journey of rejection ahead of me.
If he had saved face I may not have needed to do this? No, I had to speak up at some point. I should have taken time off work and worked with a therapist and did art classes. Instead I needed another hospital stay. That is why I must take this all the way. There cannot be forgiveness without justice. I am going down the same legal routes as every other victim. No exceptions.
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  #21  
Old 6th May 2021, 09:08
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default Re: No stigma, no scapegoating, only working like a dog *trigger warning

If a person tries to make you question your worth and self respect, then they are the one not worthy of you
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  #22  
Old 7th May 2021, 19:04
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default Re: No stigma, no scapegoating, only working like a dog *trigger warning

My pet peeve is when people ask me : where are you really from? I was born and live in the UK. Let's go no further. Case closed
Its not like I went joy riding, tight rope walking between buildings, planking at top of lampposts, base jumping or dressed up as a horse or scaled parliament dressed as banana man or batwoman.
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  #23  
Old 8th May 2021, 09:17
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default Re: No stigma, no scapegoating, only working like a dog *trigger warning

I did ask him: why did you stay with me? I asked him why he did not respect me even though I knew the reason. I was trying to show him he was wrong. I already knew he saw my stay as a sign of weakness and he enforced that he was not the only one who saw me as damaged goods. I tried to leave. He always coerced me back. He let me leave because he knew I needed more. First I had to tell my own family on the phone we were over. Abusive people don't apologise or admit it to themselves. We couldn't erase the dragon. I couldn't live my life constantly trying to prove that I was not and never was damaged goods and not knowing when his temper would erupt. I am not to blame.
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  #24  
Old 9th May 2021, 14:24
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default Empty promises

-Maybe you will get a lucky break
Maybe you will, maybe you won't.
You could start up
An exercise class for some extra cash
=If I wasn't already knackered, seriously sigh
You just don't get it.
I am capable of having a real career.
You are wrong saying
I will never be anything because of...
If I stay here I won't
Ever reach what I could reach.
You are putting me in an impossible position.
The dust won't settle....
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  #25  
Old 10th May 2021, 14:51
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default Come hell or high water; this is happening

He said more than once when I pushed him for an answer that he was not just with me because he felt sorry for me. But he didn't have genuine sympathy for me as I never felt it. That's why I knew he was avoiding the question and skirting around it. He wanted a home maker wife where he was in charge. He definitely picked the wrong candidate. He must have known that if the dust did not settle, that I would be miserable in a dead end job while my brain stagnated and I would need more. An exercise class? Is that the best you can do? I will never? I have a brain god d### it! I am dying inside being stuck behind a machine that a robot could be programmed to do. I am tired and getting more depressed as the days go on. I do not owe anyone anything. I should not have been made to feel that I owe a person for simply sticking by me. I will say thank you for giving me back the fire in my belly that has helped me to leave the rat race and transcend what I set out to do. But I won't let it go.

Last edited by Spideysenses; 12th May 2021 at 18:28. Reason: Add a title
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  #26  
Old 11th May 2021, 07:00
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default Why I am perfecting a memoir and why you should write too

To combat the stigma attached to mental health. To contribute to the advancement of psychiatry. To heal my heart and mind. To show how I was smashed to pieces and how long and gruelling the process is to put the puzzle together. To highlight other forms of abuse - verbal, emotional, psychological and controlling behaviour. To write a memoir that isn't tragic but has humour and hope. To follow my heart. To find myself again and confront the ghosts of the past. To show how societal stigma can be the most damaging after effect of a breakdown. To fight back. To kill the elephant in the room. To attack the fear surrounding mental health stigma. For respect. I am worthy. For my future. For everyone who like me has had to battle or will battle stigma.
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  #27  
Old 13th May 2021, 08:05
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default If that question needs to be asked there is no hope

What did I want? I needed more. All I wanted was to be seen, listened to, understood, respected and loved. Love is supposed to liberate not bind.
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  #28  
Old 13th May 2021, 09:34
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default Re: No stigma, no scapegoating, only working like a dog

I have no regrets
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  #29  
Old 13th May 2021, 11:22
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default Re: No stigma, no scapegoating, only working like a dog

You will set up a meeting with my parents to stop me leaving? Go ahead and try. I am not a child. You are full of it. I am a responsible adult unlike them.
You will have me put in hospital?
You honestly think you can do that? What will you tell the doctors? Don't you remember that they ignored my parents and listened to me? I was kept for 28 days. A full recommended rehab stay is seventy days. They won't keep me for two hours once they interview me and see I am fine. Do you realise how evil that is to even contemplate trying? I know my job is dire but I need it! If we moved I would have a better job today!
Why do you always say if I leave I may as well put a noose around your neck? You claim it is just money. Is that only what that means?
We can easily afford holidays and to actually go away at the weekend. Buy hot food for lunch.What is stopping you? Will you apologise for being a prat as soon as we moved into the house? We should have been celebrating being able to have gotten a deposit together. It's not like we had to tighten our belts for that long.You know I will get a better job.i should already have been beginning my career. You don't even try and see how frustrating that is for me.
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  #30  
Old 13th May 2021, 11:34
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default Re: No stigma, no scapegoating, only working like a dog

We stopped arguing because trying to get an answer out of him was like trying to get blood from a stone. He would not apologise if he would not admit that he had crossed the line in the first place. He truly believed he was a man of high principles who did not need to explain himself to a woman. He did not want a woman who would challenge him. Take me as I am or go to hell. I know he was still young and insecure when he said I would never be anything. But why go to such desperate lengths to avoid saying he was wrong?
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