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  #451  
Old 19th April 2022, 17:04
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default End

After note:

Growing up I alway's found myself protesting and asking why do I get the blame for something I haven't done ....constantly? I couldn't take it anymore. Constant criticism and blame. Constantly being made to feel not enough.
I was lucky to have someone. To have any job. I was lucky to be alive? Lucky to have received proper mental health treatment? No-one should be pushed into taking their life by their own hands. What did I have to feel lucky about? Count my blessings? After being in the psych ward, no one counts their blessings. Especially number thirteen. I'm beginning to think that I may be able to retire from fighting for mental health rights altogether and just write. Get a house with a garden and a dog.
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  #452  
Old 21st April 2022, 10:52
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default Re: If it is not broken

How could I stay with a peson who tried to make me feel and believe that I needed fixing but was unfixable? The first time didn't need to happen. A family who cared would not have left me at the mercy of a system that counted on rolling a six over and over. I wouldn't have had a breakdown without a past. My life played a bigger hand. I might not have made it without art. My art. My writing. No-one saved me. I alway's knew I had to find the way out of the misery alone. My way.
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  #453  
Old 22nd April 2022, 19:30
Mr. Nobody Mr. Nobody is offline
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Mood
Tired

Default Re: If it is not broken

Kompt, zaffort, strachden,..... shizt en flintzen.
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  #454  
Old 22nd April 2022, 19:48
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default Re: If it is not broken

I'd never have given praise with one hand and take it back with the other with a but. Ending and highlighting the negative. Getting top marks across subjects. I'd take the approach of saying but not writing: if there was one thing to work on. It seems like they could try harder. They need to apply themselves. There must be a reason. Did "not of my blood" have no reason other than trying to be the hard nut. Sometimes there is not a reason. I think that is true sometimes. Sometimes something will happen that is out of your hands and not your fault. There is not a concrete reason. An accumulation of chance and luck. Wrong place. Right place. Time. Some people are bad. Rotten. Evil. Psychopathic. An Internet attack friend of a friend. That was enough to send anyone spiralling. Here I was trying not to be forced into the role of an enabler to an alcoholic after escaping an abusive relationship. I'd handed my notice in, the floor would be wiped with me with no leg to stand on. And someone drags up a painful childhood memory and plasters it online. That car I bought was fit for the scrap yard. I almost crashed because it wasn't picking up speed. It was done. I saw the rash. Poison tongue..
Femly tack care oh their own. Nae yours. Well dear..hunny bunch...if you knew what it was to be the scapegoat in a family. If you didn't see women as the weaker secondary sex. I wondered why I'd ended up with a man who was still a playground bully. He threw temper tantrums. He would say "take it back" for crying out loud. He would blame the outbursts on his friend's making him "quick with comebacks." I did not say anything derogatory to him in need of a "comeback!". I would refrain from saying he needed to grow up. If I did I would apologise. I'd cry more times than not. He was not a man you wished to upset. He was unstable and volatile through not facing his own issues. He fought less when he was with me. He was a complete hooligan before I met him. Us women always think we can change and help people and forget about our own fallibility. When I asked him a question such as he must have wanted to stay together for a reason, one reason, his answer would make me feel worse and I'd wish I hadn't asked. So I stop asking. I stop wearing heels. Then make up and nail polish. Then I stop trying for jobs. Going to a fitness class or the gym. Not rebuilding friendships that had become acquaintances. Stop. Slow motion. Standstill. Stuck.
I did everything. Selfish. Greedy. Possessive. Violent. The threats and blackmail. Shutter island. Round and around.
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  #455  
Old 23rd April 2022, 09:25
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default I can't go through this again

I made it furthur in sport than I ever thought I would. Through hard work and sacrificing time out with friends. Through dedication. My brain was my stronger suit. I was taking any old job and going to college to give my brain the nourishment it needed. I was asked what I wanted and hoped to do afterwards and I'd give an unambitious answer. Up crops ward four. But these are well intentioned questions. Genuine interest and kind intrigue. It was a never-ending cycle. Take a course for the sake of keeping going and switching to another dead end job with no prospects. I had no meaning. You got top grades and trained with the Olympic team, you are easy to speak to and your writing is REALLY good so what happened to your ambitions? Here it comes. Ward number fou-wer. I was made to feel like I owed him. I couldn't do it anymore. I said I don't think I can go through this again. Without wildfire I don't know where I would be so the regret continues to fade.
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  #456  
Old 23rd April 2022, 15:30
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default Re: If it is not broken

True wealth is of the heart and mind
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  #457  
Old 23rd April 2022, 19:10
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default Excerpt from Neil Gaimans short story collection

I thought of you when I read this quote from "Trigger Warning: Short Fictions and Disturbances" by Neil Gaiman -

"Introduction I.

There are things that upset us. That’s not quite what we’re talking about here, though. I’m thinking rather about those images or words or ideas that drop like trapdoors beneath us, throwing us out of our safe, sane world into a place much more dark and less welcoming. Our hearts skip a ratatat drumbeat in our chests, and we fight for breath. Blood retreats from our faces and our fingers, leaving us pale and gasping and shocked. And what we learn about ourselves in those moments, where
the trigger has been squeezed, is this: the past is not dead. There are things that wait for us, patiently, in the dark corridors of our lives. We think we have moved on, put them out of mind, left them to desiccate and shrivel and blow away; but we are wrong. They have been waiting there in the darkness, working out, practising their most vicious blows, their sharp hard thoughtless punches into the gut, killing time until we came back that way. The monsters in our cupboards and our minds are always there in the darkness, like mould beneath the floorboards and behind the wallpaper, and there is so much darkness, an inexhaustible supply of darkness. The universe is amply supplied with night. What do we need to be warned about? We each have our little triggers

The sandman is being made into a series. It has big shoes to fill.
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  #458  
Old 23rd April 2022, 19:30
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default The lesser of two evils.

You always have to have it worse. How do you think I ended up needing a stay in hospital? Did your mum tell you she couldn't stand the sight of you and to get out of her effing sight all the time? Tell you that your bedroom wasn't yours but the room they paid for and let you stay in and say you'd look back and thank them for just putting a roof over your head as it was more than your father had ever done.Turn your grandparents against you. Tell people never to have kids especially girls. Give your sibling everything. Ignore you when you got your exam results. Laugh at you when you said you were going to take all three sciences? Spend all the money they made in the pub. Ignore doctors who gave a positive prognosis and tell everyone you had something "wrong" with you that must come from your blood father's side. Have a step dad who said they wished you'd been in hospita rehab years earlier so they could have tried to get rid of you. He was really saying that the Doctors may have listened to them (their lies) over me if I were a child or minor. Was your blood father a piece of work like mine? Didn't come to see you being born at the hospital and sat at home because he wanted a boy and not a girl? This was before his health failed. Do you wan't me to tell you about school? (Some but more than most) Teachers made my life a misery. How was I supposed to get a good job when I couldn't get a reference from a teacher or depend on my family? I was there in "thone place" because I pushed myself too hard. You need a reality check.
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  #459  
Old 24th April 2022, 12:16
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default Never argue with Mark Twain. Never debate religion or politics in the pub

I chose to use my voice where it counted. My English teachers all said I had a strong voice in my writing. So art was what I needed at the time. I want to write a novel that is timeless.
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  #460  
Old 24th April 2022, 12:20
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default Re: If it is not broken

I don't like Horror films. Not modern horror. I still watch TV series with supernatural and horror elements. I think its because there is more opportunity to develop characters. See their humanity. How they change. For better or worse.
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  #461  
Old 24th April 2022, 14:05
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Default Re: If it is not broken

Those who mind don't matter so turn the other cheek. Until the time is right.
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  #462  
Old 24th April 2022, 14:38
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Default Re: If it is not broken

Fairy dust. I'm not putting you for your test until you can see the opening before me. You do this for a living? I don't care about the sweet pea plants and what's growing in the garden. A deer from every single gateway? If you need a smoke go and have one instead of wasting my time and money. When I trust my instincts and change I almost crash swerving a pot hole because I'm using the instructions the old one has taught me. The new one says: you are over thinking it. Just drive. You know how to drive. I pass first time.
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  #463  
Old 24th April 2022, 14:58
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default Re: If it is not broken

Was I mentally strong enough to rip off the stitches after six months of leaving the relationship? No because it was not only the relationship that had left my nerves and esteem in bits. He had pushed me to the edge. It was my whole life to blame at the end of the day. There were seismic events. Not only a thousand small paper cuts.
I had figured out I'd been scapegoated by family. That it was not bad luck. The job situation was partly bad luck. Ignorant clicky people. Work not suited to me. My life was bad support. No support. It takes a community to raise a child. My mentors and teachers made my life more difficult. My friends were not much better. Out for themselves. I did the right thing. If there is a thousand grains of rice on the negative side of the scale and only a smattering of encouragement on the positive side, then what could I do to rebalance myself? Art therapy wasn't going to cut it. I needed something new. To go forward and know I had a future. I couldn't carry on as if nothing happened but I couldn't live in the past either. Forwards and back. Under and up again.
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  #464  
Old 24th April 2022, 16:50
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default Re: If it is not broken

It is not complaining when there is something that needs to change.
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  #465  
Old 24th April 2022, 17:06
Seagull Seagull is offline
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Default Re: If it is not broken

Quote:
Originally Posted by Spideysenses
It is not complaining when there is something that needs to change.
But maybe 603 posts on a thread doing nothing but complain isn’t helping things. Is it really cathartic, surely it’s just keeping you stuck in a repetitive negative cycle?
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  #466  
Old 25th April 2022, 09:32
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default When greed power and control eclipse reason and humanity.

I was young. I had been through enough already so I thought that odd would try and save face. But no greed eclipsed reason. Legally I was entitled to my share of the deposit. And the house should have been sold and I would have been able to go back to the company that kept the door open for me. My nerves could have healed just being away from him and being with a flat mate instead of the stress heads family of mine.
Instead he saw an opportunity to throw me to the wolves and realised that if I couldn't get back on my feet quick enough then I could not report him. And I couldn't. The second time was soul destroying. My writing saved my life.
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  #467  
Old 25th April 2022, 10:55
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default Re: If it is not broken

Enough to tide me over. I was due at least five thousand from the deposit to start with and then there should have been a deal mediated for me to gain some of the profit from the sale. It would have ensured I wasn't literally left in the lurch and could have returned to the company that left the door open for me. Wait are you in charge? You've been in the office two seconds and you drown out the commander in chief. Game. Life is not a game of winners and losers.
I know I left. I left because the next time he lost it, it could have been fatal for me. He was unnaturally strong and had a violent volatile temper and I saw the wild look he got when he lost control.
I was relieved to have been able to leave. Phoning my mum to tell her first to be sure he'd lost his sway over my parents. Not trapped? Wildfire had shown the true colours of my situation. People suspected anyway. I confirmed what was known already. A stitch in time. Retraumatising.
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  #468  
Old 25th April 2022, 11:44
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default Re: If it is not broken

It would be nice to have someone who calls me by my name. The bit oh stuff. The ball and chain. I chose to be myself and not an extroverted imposter. I didn't bend. I did not break either.
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  #469  
Old 25th April 2022, 21:55
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Default Tea break

Everyone used to say that my blood father was so mild mannered. You should have heard the way he used to blow his top when I left drips on the tops when making tea or coffee. It was literally tiny drops. Drops that would dry in the blink of an eye. He never left the army.
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  #470  
Old 26th April 2022, 08:27
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default Re: If it is not broken

Time is on your side. There are people on your side.
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  #471  
Old 26th April 2022, 08:31
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Default Re: If it is not broken

Only I will tell my story. Write.
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  #472  
Old 26th April 2022, 09:36
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default Re: If it is not broken

More fool me for being taken in by someone who wanted to use me for their own ends. My family and his work were also fooled.
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  #473  
Old 26th April 2022, 10:00
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default Re: If it is not broken

I don't want or need a platform. Write good books and get my life back. Chung hong. Cho cho. Cheerio. Cheery bye. Goodbye
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  #474  
Old 26th April 2022, 10:57
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Default Re: If it is not broken

All I ever wanted was to have hope that my future would be better
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  #475  
Old 26th April 2022, 14:17
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Default Re: If it is not broken

Allowing myself to feel the exhaustion of being put through the wringer. Come summer hiking shoes in full force. Can't remember the last time I wore heels.
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  #476  
Old 26th April 2022, 16:14
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Default Re: If it is not broken

Quote. He destroyed your mental health. Unquote.
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  #477  
Old 27th April 2022, 10:35
Seagull Seagull is offline
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Default Re: If it is not broken

Quote:
Originally Posted by Spideysenses
End of the thread
Best of luck with everything, Spidey. Especially the book.
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  #478  
Old 27th April 2022, 11:33
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Default Don't be afraid to cry

Thanks!
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  #479  
Old 27th April 2022, 16:35
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default Re: If it is not broken

End of the end:
Needless to say I stopped using the one social media site I was on ten years back. I went back to delete it all and shut it down completely. I don't blame high profile people in the spotlight for getting other people to oversee their social media platforms. It would be like being bullied by thousands of trolls otherwise. We all know how harmful and damaging one vicious comment or remark can be. I don't envy the youth of today. I am glad I was about nineteen before social media really kicked off. I knew what to avoid. When to extricate myself from unwanted and uneeded pressure and scrutiny. Air brushing caused an uproar. Now filters are everywhere. I can't stand
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  #480  
Old 28th April 2022, 20:34
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default Re: If it is not broken

Why the hell spend a decade perfecting?
Can't swallow an elephant whole.
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