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  #691  
Old 7th October 2022, 15:25
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default Re: If it is not broken

I can apportion a lot of the blame on my blood father. A night shift in a supermarket pays well. Not to be scoffed at. I would rather have studied from home while working in a supermarket once I took a year out to re-evaluate. I could have worked up like Nestle said if my teachers had not taken the blame off of themselves for not putting me in the right classes and then offloading to pillar of all people. I am sure he had more faith in me than the stoner. But my life was uprooted the minute the snarling wolf turned up on the doorstep. And mud sticks. My teachers told Mooch that I was lazy for leaving. So Mooch told Nestle. Domino one. My teachers or Mooch who threw the first stones? Both.
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  #692  
Old 7th October 2022, 15:31
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Default Re: If it is not broken

Jeremey Kyle cut to the chase on daytime tv. His most famous catchphrase was: why did you not put something on the end of it then? I did not like the bear bating no holds barred style. Entertainment relying heavily on the humiliation and degradation of people who had been marginalised in society.
Leave a girl in the lurch and you carry on like you are Erchie? Living the life of Riley after what you did to this poor girl? Think you are big shot lad? Think you are hard? You are a mug. We all know a Dad who gives the father son talk. You get her pregnant it is your son or daughter too. You ruin a quines life, it will come back and bite you on your #^## boy mark my words. You run, you are a spineless corward.
I am not suggesting that Jeremy Kyle was a secret feminist (although it could be plausible to suggest so). He is on a towards the right wing news channel now. I am clearly left leaning. I could hardly get away from someone having it on when it was on repeat everyday on freeview and you work with oldies. Was not sad to see it end.
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  #693  
Old 7th October 2022, 17:57
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Default Skeletons

What is the allure with this dreary, rainy, grey skied, cold part of the planet? My blood father and my Grandfather, one an Army man, the other Navy, both felt so attached to this place. I knew without them warning to not ask questions.
I was passive aggressive one time, when I was dead beat tired and Nestle had lumped me into a bracket with a colleague whose mouth hung open on shifts where he had been smoking too much pot. It does not matter that the person deserved it and had been far nastier to me beforehand. I still hated myself for it and knew it had to be a once off. I am the stark opposite to mum. More over I vowed never to be passive like my blood father. His mental scarring scared me more than my ol' dear. His secrets unsettled me more than my ol'dears toxic two faced games.
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  #694  
Old 7th October 2022, 19:03
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Default Re: If it is not broken

I thought that I was the biggest disappointment in your life. I think that your biggest disappointment in life is that you never got to spill blood on a battlefield. I will be a war journalist to make you happy ? Report on the horrors of war. The deaths and rape of innocents. Chemical weapons killing innocents and turning land into unliveable wastelands. The dread of nuclear fallout. Write about veterans with ptsd. Young soldiers who take their own lives. What do you want from me? Why contact the solicitor to see me when you did not want me in the first place?
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  #695  
Old 9th October 2022, 10:21
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Default Why were people wanting me to be a drug addict?

What is said about people who've had treatment "in there" (it is a ward in a general hospital) is that most have suffered trauma and abuse in their childhood. And what about the mum who has had post partum. Drug addict? The soldier with ptsd. Drug addict? The rape victim with ptsd. Not a drug addict. The bullied teen or worker whose longterm suffering results in complex ptsd and depression. Drug addiction is not the cause here. The young men and women with eating disorders or other body image issues like body dysmorphia because of the toxic celebrity culture that began in the nineties and before. The person who has lost someone close to them or too many people in a short space of time and is hospitalised after a suicide attempt. A person who breaks down after years because too much has happened and noone was there or the people in their life scapegoated them. Survivors of domestic abuse. People who have grown up in relative poverty. Had alcoholic or drug addicted parents. Had unrealistic expectations placed on their shoulders. We adopt coping mechanisms that helped or were essential at the time but can then backfire. A need to find order in chaos could manifest as Ocd for example. I can tick boxes I wish I could leave blank. Stigma at a young age making it near impossible to get my life back. I needed employment/a purpose to keep me stimulated and hopeful about my future. I had to find another way and develop my art as my lifes purpose if all I could get was a means to an end job. Pushed myself too hard ignoring stress. But I was young. I was hurting and had no support.
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  #696  
Old 9th October 2022, 10:22
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Default Re: If it is not broken

I accept that I will never write the next "Pillars of the Earth" or "Wolf Hall."
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  #697  
Old 9th October 2022, 13:39
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Default Re: If it is not broken

I had to pray that the dust would settle. But being in an awful job was also a spotlight and a source of gossip because I was intelligent and trained at a high level in sport. I was right to decide that rebelling was better than being a passing recipient of fate. I knew I was a writer long before I said I would be. I was not going to allow the way I was ill treated go unreported. No-one is born to have a breakdown.
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  #698  
Old 9th October 2022, 16:02
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Default Re: If it is not broken

Provide the privilege of rest. Correction: the neccessity to rest up.
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  #699  
Old 9th October 2022, 19:20
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Default Re: If it is not broken

I could have put it all down to badluck. Blame my parents grandparents. Go back, blame the past, never get over the past and never look forward. But I knew there was a badness in many of the people I depended on as a youth. I was eighteen so why was I made to feel like I was already dead and buried? I was in hospital for four weeks. I am granting myself permission to say I had evil b@stards for parents. My blood fathers poison tongue sister was too. Can I really say that candleonthebirthdaycake was just a selfish brainless oaf and trying to be hard when he drank? My abusive ex was just insecure and possessive because he came from a large family? Mooch was just a typical philandering sports coach with a chip on his shoulder against me? It was all "unconsciously" driven. Like firing an arrow you have to go backwards first to aim forwards. Trauma is said to be passed down generations
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  #700  
Old 9th October 2022, 20:25
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Default Re: If it is not broken

Hope is important because it can make the present moment less difficult to bear. If we believe that tomorrow will be better, we can bear a hardship today
- Thich Nhat Hanh
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  #701  
Old 10th October 2022, 18:33
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Default Re: If it is not broken

It has been how many years since the split? Attention seeker. Ward Fouwer. Die quietly. I just did fit ither blokes wish they could have. Turfed em oot wihoot a single teaspoon. Serves em right. My word against theirs (**). Aye ahll see you in court.

** it won't be. There will be people called
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  #702  
Old 10th October 2022, 21:28
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Default When PabloPicasso

When you know the rules like a pro
You can break them like an artist

There is no heavier burden
Than unfulfilled potential
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  #703  
Old 11th October 2022, 10:48
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Default Re: If it is not broken

I knew what I wanted to be. When your heart is not invested in something, someone will pick up on it sooner or later. The mask will slip.
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  #704  
Old 12th October 2022, 20:38
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Default Anthropocene

Couldnotevensaveface. I admit that in a dystopian novel, a robot could have done the job couldnotevensaveface claimed his "feel aunt" could do. And I corrected him every time he mocked his poor relative. Just like when he referred to a baby or young kids as "hit" (it) He or she. Not IT like the Stephen King Horror. Looks out of the window. My life is well and truly...you did this to trap me....You won't ever find...
A robot could be programmed to do both the jobs couldnotevensaveface had. If the planet survives long enough to see such marvels (or atrocities). Artificial intelligence could never replace humanity in healthcare or write fiction and prose. Who would root for a robot playing sport? There will never be an AI that is aware or sentient like sci-fi films and humanity will never colonise another planet. We have only this planet.
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  #705  
Old 13th October 2022, 10:26
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Default Re: If it is not broken

After, mack sure, I purged socialmedia. Deleted deleted deleted unsubscribed unfriended. Kept only the closest people to me. It was out of the blue. It had been five years since I had anything to do with thse club. I knew it was a psychological attack on me. It was psychological bullying online. The first and last time it would happen.
I did wonder what would drive them to do it. Seeing as I had been in rehab and taken an overdose due to couldnotevenshowface. It was hate. Directed at me. A hateful need to destroy.
I never scrolled ever again. I used it to see photos of family and friends with their family. I did not use it. Thankfully it was in it's infancy when I was at school. I would have said my parents would not let me use it.
My mum nearly flew off the handle, when she thought her tablet had not charged after work as she was dying to get onto her social media page. She almost shouted at me thinking I had knocked the magnetic charger off. It was over her addiction to social media. My parents have never been in tune to me and my life, my emotions, my needs and wants. And yet they want to know everything about everyone else. Just gossip. They live for gossip. It is sad. I roll my eyes I think: grow the heck up.
"They will never change." They have. "Suchandsuch has changed." No they have not. "They did not speak: they are a queer soandso." It is them? They are not avoiding you? Did that never cross your mind?
Seeing my mum slouched on the couch attached for hours scrolling made me immensely sad and a little worried. I don't think she knows about the hate post that made me press delete. Seeing the way it is affecting her mood and temper. Her mental health. An addiction. How she'd shout at the grandkids for interrupting and almost me. None of them leave comments yet they spend hours a day gripped to it.
And for the record the ol'man never told me about the climbing wall. It came up months later. Oh that job would have been yours. I would have refused it as it was a stones throw from sympathisers haunts but that is beside the point. Now you tell me.
Talking to her "adopted" daughter (young lass from work) on the phone "oh me daughters been here for alf an hour and I've not spoken to er at all yet."
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  #706  
Old 13th October 2022, 11:19
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Default If there is a gun on the wall in the first act; it must go off before the last

Not that my parents ever tried hard to connect with me. I was a drain on their finances therefore an inconvenience to their social life i.e. pub drinking finances. They worked for the money they earned so they should reap the rewards. Help me get a good start in life? Help me escape destitution? They would tell any unsuspecting ear that they did not want kids they just get in the way and they wish they never had any. They are know it all's who know much much less than they think they know, but they knew that in working class circles that it was not hard to flip blame onto a woman or it was not difficult to blacken my name. They would latch onto the negative and amplify it and enforce it. Intelligent women had more challenges than men. So I had more chance of failing. They looked for all the pitfalls that is the reason why they saw them. It was not great insight or higher life knowledge.
I thought that it was maybe better that way than being brought up in a protective bubble that could burst. But neither extreme is favourable. Being brought up in extreme conditions takes it's toll. But a young person needs their elders to help when life overwhelms them. I had no-one emotionally available to me and being intelligent and being creative enough to problem solve placed heavy expectations on my shoulders. Without a shadow of a doubt, I was not: all brains and no common sense.

Parents night first year of High School, my English teacher told my parents to start saving as I was by far university material. That was the only one they attended. My parents said to me that I could pack my bag's and join the Army at sixteen. I could learn about life there and see if I was as smart as my English teacher claimed I was. I chose to feel my emotions and follow my heart and intuition so that life was never going to be for me. I did not need an institution to give me discipline or direction. I worked on my own art projects without any help. I obtained a second degree black belt. I applied for jobs times over to secure them. I had what I needed. I just needed time and space to nurture the talents I had worked on all my life. I was in charge of my own destiny and that is why I could never join. I was never lost. I rebelled sure but I was never lost. I was young. I had been let down by the very people who should have been there for me.

I really respected my blood father and grandfather for serving. I was not weaker. Not lesser. Not undisciplined. Not lazy. I was just different. I was smarter. I had a sharp keen awareness. I never questioned them outright but I asked questions. Asked myself why they made my life harder to escape, pulled me back and under instead of pushing me to strive for more. I had to fall back on music and books. I had built this wall. With reason.
A neighbour tried to assault me. He was a few years older. I had been jumped after school. My family did not respect and value women. I knew what men could do, what they could get away with and how some women will defend and deny their wrong doing to the death. Enabling them. Knowing all this, I could never be a soldier. Knowing why my blood father was discharged. What I had been through. I wanted to break down the walls. Get it quick. Get it now. No. Collision course.

The Army had wrecked my blood fathers mental health and physical health. More accurately his over dependence and yearning for the life it gave him. Him feeling inadequate for being discharged. Then the chainsmoking leading to a stroke. Some people thrive. It exacerbated my fathers depression in the long run. But if he felt he had no choice to leave at fifteen then that was what he had to do.
My Grandfather had to leave the Navy due to the pressure on his mental health having had a meltdown. The guilt from leaving his former family perhaps. He was brought up in an orphanage from age seven too. So he joined up because he had no family. He would never admit that my family had presented me with limited life options in order to prevent their exposure. An unconscious ill ran in my family and I bore the brunt of it. As long as I lived I would not be silenced. I would need therapy for my upbringing at some point wether I saw myself as a failure or a success. As a victim to fate or an imposter leading a good life I had built for myself.

My parents as good as handed me a gun and said: you either become strong enough to kill or you turn it on yourself and that is all you will get from us. A gun. Now buy the bullets on your own. Madness. I cannot call my life choices a gamble when I already had a gun pointed at my head. I was not going to become the adult who had to accept the lesser of evils like I had in my childhood. That was the reason I left couldnotsaveface.
*title - Anton Chekhov
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  #707  
Old 13th October 2022, 19:53
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Default Re: If it is not broken

When I broke down, I would have moments of doubt. I would think that I should have given up sport in order to study more. I should never have let my friends lead me astray. I should have spoken to a doctor about my family before I had a breakdown. I should have reported my school to the SPSO. Why was I made to shoulder ALL the blame?
At the time I felt cursed. The breakdown was a curse. Everyone is pointing the blame at my blood fathers side. He broke my mums patience and now I had a curse around my neck. Maybe there is a real curse on his side. I was young and my brain was exhausted. To think it was a curse was not that irrational. Enough of the superstition. I am not cursed.
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  #708  
Old 14th October 2022, 10:32
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Default Re: If it is not broken

They are not a complete a###hole. Yes but they were to me.
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  #709  
Old 14th October 2022, 10:42
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Default Re: If it is not broken

Quote:
Originally Posted by Spideysenses
They are not a complete a###hole. Yes but they were to me.
Certainly getting that impression, Spidey. It doesn’t sound great!
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  #710  
Old 15th October 2022, 12:19
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Default Re: If it is not broken

Growing up all I had was my brain. Was I going to throw it away and cave in? Never. You do not know me at all.
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  #711  
Old 15th October 2022, 16:08
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Default Damage limitation

I was not respected or appreciated at home. I was not respected or appreciated at work. I was trapped. But in order to move I needed solid references to get a better job and time to save for a desposit on a rental property. Borrow from who or where? There was nothing available to me. Everything I had was to stop Odd from blowing up or losing it.
If I moved I would have to tell the full truth eventually. Of course it held me back. My life of hell had led me to Four. And now because of Four my life was still hell. Drinking my tea in the cold outside at daybreak I would feel: "nothing has changed." I need changes. I wan't to live but I cannot live like this forever more. Not with the elephant. I had to take it down. Wildfire was the breakthrough. However, it was only the start. Perfect the book then write fiction. To kill the elephant I had to put the past to rights. I think I may have accomplished that. Now the real work begins.
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  #712  
Old 17th October 2022, 20:23
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Default A stitch in time

I was backed into a corner. I had to leave pintandafight. We were over and I was sleeping on the couch. I let my family know we were over. I had worked my socks off for years. Took care of him and the house. They could not say I owed him anything.
I could not tell anyone I was on borrowed time at my work again because people were questioning why I was not in a better job. My stay in hospital would be doing the gossip rounds soon and I would hand in notice. I knew how tough the working world was. It did not matter what type of job it is, jobs are scarce so someone will always make your life difficult or stab you in the back for the meagre paypacket at the end of the month. Why did I fall into working in a female dominated job? Women are the worst to one another.

I was terrified of pintandafight. He would have carried on longer. He did not want me to leave. And that was scary. What if he followed through with his threats? I left before anyone changed their minds. I fled with myself in tact and that was the best I could hope for at that moment in time. After my life and Four, I was still in a survival fight or flight mindset.
My family would put me up for a few months. But thing's would sour. I had to find work somewhere else. I needed a few months to establish in a job. I was used to paying bills and living on essentials. I only bought brand name trainers. I could cook. I had two jobs while studying before I went and got "a real job" with "real responsibility." I did have enough experience to start afresh. I could work like a trooper and I knew my ps and qs and to dot the i's and cross the t's. I alway's chatted effortlessly with colleagues. But I knew how dog eat dog it had been for me in every single one of my jobs. I had to land lucky. And I had not been lucky in anything. Love or life or career. The only thing I had been forced to feel partially lucky in was getting sympathetic doctors at eighteen. But I did not realise how lucky I had been. I knew all about the grass not being greener on the other side. Leaving did not feel right. I knew I was on the verge of collapse. I had barely had a second to rest up and think properly in the years since. Or my entire life when it boils down to it.

I had not had the rest and recuperation I needed from part one. I had had no time to myself. When doing my college homework was probably the most restful time I had. I had had no authentic rest time. I was worn thin. But that does not stop people from putting pressure on you. Life does not stop and wait for you to recover when you are in my position. Four had placed a target on my back. Odd made sure that while with him it was " you will rest when you are dead."
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  #713  
Old 18th October 2022, 11:00
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Default Do not re-open the wound until you are ready

An arsonist who turns up at the fire with a bucket of water is still an arsonist
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  #714  
Old 19th October 2022, 11:13
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Default Re: If it is not broken

Would I have been as aware of coulnotsavefaces abuse and the damage it was doing if I had not grown up with the games and abuse I suffered through? I know that I would not have given him a chance in the first place once I learned about the fighting and his temper. He would take my shoulder out of it's socket. The way he spoke. He was not my type of person at all. "Sweatin oot ah the drink fae the weekend ay blocker'
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  #715  
Old 19th October 2022, 19:44
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Default Dj ravenclaw and Harry potter

Pot works like a trooper when he gets pulled up. No. He goes in a mood and bucks up for half a shift. My work is consistent. He is the one who needs a rocket up there and should aim for management here. I have other options. I am currently training with the olympic team. I can go back to college anytime. I do not appreciate being made out to have his rotten attitude and disregard for others. Or his drug habits and faint sense of responsibility. Being compared to a pothead. I was livid.
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  #716  
Old 19th October 2022, 19:57
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Default Deathknell

Itisaflatandnotahouse was delivering it as blackmail and I knew the minute I opened it. I was leaving so when I saw the papers I knew they were delivering a message. If I were staying they would ask for my medical records out of spite and vindictiveness. They probably thought it was legal. And if it was not? Who cares because they could deny they asked and I would know I was marked for slaughter and my future in this company or another in the area would be crushed by this golden nugget prime piece of information when they were done spreading the muck far and wide.

And since I was leaving they wanted me to know that they knew about one month and that the team would all know soon enough when they were through. It was a ward in a general hospital. A breakdown. Not prison. Ruthless. Tyrannical. Nobody will take my stripes. Fear me. Look what I can do. Keep your stripes.
I was sick to my back teeth of getting blamed for what I never did. Nails. A faulty keysafe and it was not my error. It was probably the same person who I did not report for not locking a keysafe. Four and this target. Not wiping a few crumbs from a worktop. Crumbs! And a one woman mission who phoned up about me concurrently for being late when the client was only asking and not complaining and I was not late. The boss would want to trump everyone so would set out earlier than everyone else. And it became apparent that the one woman mission had asked the boss when my shifts were because when I was early there was a complaint. It did not add up. Was it one of those close to retiring types who hated that I was young? She was itching to complain. When working with frail and vulnerable people unexpected turns happen so sometimes you need more time with one and are late to the next. I knew the one woman mission was coming the bag with me. I did not need to accept this. Keep your games and your henchmen. Glaring at me when saying she trusted her team.

Keep moving the goal posts. Have all the glory. The glee when they decided to make it an announcement after the minutes. It took me back to gangstergangster making a joke about being in a sauna and laughing when he recognised me. Schadenfreude. Some people have a need to shed blood. It was not going to be mine. Should not have picked me. Could have let me go quietly as I had opted for and saved face.

Some people could not care less about saving face. My ex was destined to be one of those common as mud ¿r##khead foremen after all. Brass neck sympathiser. Some ally.
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  #717  
Old 24th October 2022, 12:24
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Default Re: If it is not broken

Books read in silence have sound
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  #718  
Old 26th October 2022, 11:55
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Default Re: If it is not broken

After. I felt like everyone around me saw a person who was not worth getting attached to or having any emotional feeling or caring for. The doctor saw how fast I recovered in four weeks. It did not take me long to figure out that I was not the one who had failed. I had been failed. I was a victim of up-bringing and then the draconian conspiracy theories.
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  #719  
Old 26th October 2022, 19:38
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Default Re: If it is not broken

Theres no need to dig into memories when I have turned them inside out already. I had to. There is almost one thousand posts of shorthand on this blog alone so collating and paring down will be no small feat when the time comes. I had a first draft which I picked apart so it is no longer a book! Striving for perfection in one's art comes with a price. But artistic regret would last longer I predict. Could be a year, could be ten years before I get back to non-fiction. Onward with writing poetry and novels.
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  #720  
Old 27th October 2022, 20:01
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Default Hard knock defence mechanisms are forgiveable

But hate and violence are not. When you continually lie to someone you rob them of their dignity. I tried to leave. I wanted to leave. I took an overdose because I wanted and needed out of it. I missed out on good jobs by a whisker. I was used to walking on a tightrope. I dealt with my hurt and pain in a constructive fashion. Leaving no stone unturned. I am not a liar. I am a terrible liar. Being with a person who lies and can only see their own lie, day in day out, is nothing short of torture. You do not live in the same universe as me. What planet are you living on? That was taking a chance. Living in fear takes it toll. When there is nothing in your life that feels like it is yours and you were supposed to have been high flyer- I did not choose any of this and here I am - it is soul destroying. Feeling hopeless and powerless. I read that breakdowns can cut people down in their prime. I did not feel that way. It was not that way for me. The breakdown did not cut me down. It was the following years after trying to pick up the pieces that woud decide my outlook. The time to think was what I needed. Live longer have a meltdown.
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