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  #781  
Old 3rd December 2022, 16:02
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default I was the one who wanted normal and stable...

....and their brother was anything but. His issues that made him violent were not normal. Bottling it all up and waiting to use it on someone? I am lucky that I am a creative type who can live harmoniously with the Bipolar affliction. I chose not to use it. To stay on top of it. To look after my brain. Art matters.

Arsonist gave me the wrong advice. I made the right decision. The summary was "You won't stay at this job." Pecisely. I needed a career. I had chosen art. Look Arsonist was not the only person due to the conspiracy theories to say "you look ok on the outside still at least. (Not like a drug addled junkie waste of space ward fouwer reject) Let's work with that if it is all you have now. Even if your brain is fine and well everyone finds out...four....whisper....four....whisper. Save you the heartache. I am doing you a favour."
Talk about a power trip. I did not need that job or that type of job. I was never going to fit the mould after culmination seeing as I was even more determined to do my art. I had had a breakdown. I had recovered. Arsonist made a complete fool out of me when I was encouraged to ask for a few pointers for the future and they copied the job specification online word for word. I knew I would never get a job in any of the main headquarters. My old dear had lied through her teeth to them and was caught red handed. I needed to know what to expect from an interview. What I needed to brush up on at college or a course online.
I was no wannabe. I needed work to survive. I was too bright at school for that career path. I trained at the top level. I could have taken all three sciences. Creativity was a narrower gate to aim for. The path of uncertainty. I just had to be brave. Stop cowering behind the shadow of a Four, a number. It was a number. It was one month.
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  #782  
Old 8th December 2022, 11:29
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default A sane response to an insane situation

I had lost everything before I had anything. I thought that it was better melting down and getting help when I did (I was lucky I even got help so I had better make something of my life afterwards). There is never a good time to have a meltdown. It never needed to happen at all. I thought that I had more of a chance. I was young. Too young to have been pushed to a breaking point. I was reluctant to lay the blame on anyone when I had the heaviest millstone now. I was the one who'd been in treatment for a collapse. When you grow up with emotionally hardened people, you learn.
There is nothing like a nervous breakdown to help a person see the truth and see the worst brought out in people. Everyone in my life (it was practically everyone) was banking on everyone else to see me as weak. I had to see rats scrabbling to save their own skin, and it made my heart sink. Coming up to seventeen years. I could not have done more than I had. I did too much hence a meltdown! No regrets anymore. I've paid my toll ten times over.
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  #783  
Old 9th December 2022, 11:21
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default Screw em. It is right sometimes when used with discretion

Yes we all know that there are families who prioritise "fags, booze and sky tv." It is the children who suffer. The kids who cannot see a way out.
My parents partied and went to the pub putting themselves first. It was their wages! They were the earners so they needed what they needed first. I could have been angry about it. In sorrow not in anger.
My old dears work was her social life entwined. Then came the kids. I was bottom of the pecking order. They never wanted kids. Or was this my old dears way of offsetting how my "biological father" wanted a boy and never got his boy. It was probably a reason why she left him. He had no interest in me and treated her abysmally. Abusively.
He shows up out of the blue; this strange man on my doorstep. Did he intentionally uproot the family setting? I helped him when it should have been the other way around. My childhood was thrown into disarray because of him. If I was not intelligent and he went back to a mans job like welding sooner, I may never have seen hide or hair of him. He may never have felt the itch to drop a bomb and uproot the norm.
My grandparents expected me to do everything alone. If I did not get into the course at university I wanted then join the armed forces. Easy peasy lemon squeezy. No excuses. Go to local college get spoon fed and fight for the scraps. Go. Go. Go. Get into a mountain of debt in order to get a title or just a normal humdrum office based job. I knew there was not enough jobs. I knew how ruthless people were. Teachers having nervous breakdowns, worked ragged. Nursing a predominately female profession so the ones seen as "good" and "nice" were the loud, extroverted, big personality women. Getting vaccinated: are they related to you. The moody and soor faced one? I stood no chance (as a teen I believed I know better now). We place expectations on women. Having to never complain. Be sunshine every minute of everyday.
It was unfair that I was going to have to spend three, four, five years and onwards getting into debt, just to get a job that did not take up to six years of intense training!
I may not have been able to secure a start up loan for a small business in floristry or garden design. I would have done my three plus years academia and then another three or four years for horticulture. So at closer to thirty, no secure home, no job security, no car, friends all moved to get work, self-centred family. Up to eyeballs in debt. My job has become all the hours god can send just to tide me over. At least I could prove I was not lazy whatsoever. I did what everyone expected to try and please them and not rock the boat. In vain hope of getting some peace. It has made no difference. Now I was a failure with two degrees. Look at so and so they did this and ended up....I would be asking breathing space: Where has my life gone? I do not know if I can face being talked about for being an abysmal failure any longer.

If I wanted to make a difference and hang onto my modicum of talent, then killing myself to prevent people from talking about me was ludicrous. I had to let them talk. Keep my eyes on my end goal and ignore the noise. My family would never be proud of me. I was not going to ever please my grandfather or father unless I was in finance or engineering.(so yes I did decide: f*** them I am my own person) I learned early on not to rely on external validation.
The women and my friends at home would never be happy for me. Women compete against each other and it is draining. Would I have got so sloshed at the weekends if I saw a future for myself? My mum had turned my Grandparents against me before I was scrubbed out of the picture for not being on the mantlepiece.
As an intelligent working class woman if I did not get into nursing or social care or teaching or (very begrudgingly) settled for administration/human resources, I had to find a gap in the market. I would alway's have chosen the latter
-the gap- because in order to be listened to I would have needed to pretend to be something I was not. I know the importance of putting on a mask and tactfully thinking before speaking but I would have been pushed to change my personality. Make my speaking voice decibels louder when it was fine the way it was. I was never going to feel good enough. Be in fight mode all the time. Burn out. As "one of the quiet ones" be first inline for the chop with redundancies. First impressions count.
I learnt that being friendly, diplomatic and good at your job does not make you immune to the b###s@!^^ers who know how to elbow past you and gain attention. Many of them burn out faster for different reasons; not from frustrations of not being able to do the job properly due to lack of funding and resources but personal ones.
I appeared to have taken the longshot. To me it was the only option I had a chance to be happy in. True contentment comes from within. Story is in the heart concealed.
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  #784  
Old 9th December 2022, 15:25
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default When

-join that football team!
It is your fault you are
More or less banned from the cottage cheese
After the scene you caused at the Scotland game
Do not blame me.
You won't do anything.
You won't come to the gym with me or anything.
God I try and better try.
Start looking for another job
If you cannot take the face to face side of the job.
You do not know how to speak to people.
It is not just me. It is you.
I would have a better job yesterday
And that is why you won't move.

Why do you wint me oot the hoose hmm?
So you can slap aroon behind my back?

-See that is you all over ....
I try and help.
You just cannot help yourself.
I am never at home alone anyway.
I am chained to a machine
In one spot most of the time.
How do I know that it is
Not you who is looking for someone else??
I am always to blame. It is always me who is wrong.
Everything is me. The universe revolves around you.
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  #785  
Old 13th December 2022, 10:33
Seagull Seagull is offline
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Default Re: If it is not broken

Spidey, I thought you’d finally escaped this place and ‘Four’ had finally been laid to rest! Apparently not.
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  #786  
Old 17th December 2022, 11:33
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default Winter means comfort food

https://www.buzzfeed.com/jonmichaelp...ado-toast-post
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  #787  
Old 17th December 2022, 14:20
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default Nae alood

https://www.wionews.com/south-asia/o...-report-414357
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  #788  
Old 23rd December 2022, 20:04
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default Re: If it is not broken

Promises not to hit me were lackluster. Promises are for girl guides singing: not I stole the cookies from the cookie jar. False claims. Lies. Those claims switched to violent threats.
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  #789  
Old 24th December 2022, 15:32
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default Forget Shakespeare; if you want a tragedy read the Dune Novels

I must be too long in the tooth to appreciate the anti-heroes and allegory of Dune. I understand it as a thought experiment like sci-fi often is. A cautionary tale - dangers of messianic leaders (celebrity culture today?). As a set of novels crudely amalgamating religions, riddled with archetypes striving for power rather than relatable human characters maybe not so. I look forward to Avatar more than the second Dune film.
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  #790  
Old 27th December 2022, 15:36
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default Re: If it is not broken

Ward Four had not made my life more difficult to get back on track. It made it feel impossible. -Why did your relationship end?- I cannot really say because my family made me feel like I did not deserve the person even though I was a nervous wreck after leaving them and was ultimately referred to Victim Support Scotland.
-Why are you doing ..this .... for work when you were a straight A student who trained with the British Team? Do you have a social deficit disorder of some kind?- No. I am neurotypical. And neurodiverse people can have work and families for the record. I have Bipolar. So is the answer to my dilemna to just be straight and upfront about the Bipolar at the very start? (Bar at interviews) No if only it were that straight forward.
-But people with Bipolar often have high powered jobs so why did you give up? Why did you stay with a person who put your life in danger? Why did you not move? You never committed a crime nevermind a violent one so why would you be tarred with the brush of say someone who had been in Carstairs? -
You tell me. It is not unfair, it is cruel. It ruins a person's life. Leaves them in a hell they never put themselves in. When a person has a brain it is the worst that can happen. One month in a general hospital. Twenty eight day's. Three on suicide watch. Tell me why everyone wanted conspiracy theories to be true making me feel like I had nothing to live for?
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  #791  
Old 28th December 2022, 11:04
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default You are never leaving here

What is wrong with you?

- It is comebacks. Hae tee be quick off the mark when oot wi the boys. Nae time to think.

I never say anything to you or call you any derogatory names so it is not "comebacks." You clearly do plan to say what you say. It is never once. It is putdowns. It is constant. I will leave you know.

- You hink? I will organise a meeting wi your folks. You, me and yur mam and Dumbo. You are goin nae far or we'll pit you in ward Fouwer. You wint at? You dinna hae a pot to #### in.

No I won't run away like a bairn. Don't treat me like a child. What is the emphasis on organise for? That is a threat. Why on earth do you feel the need to threaten me? You do remember that they did not listen to a word my parents spewed?

- Quit bumpin yur gums. Hit me (puffs up his chest) Mon en (puts his forehead close to mine) The best way to solve hings hit me...you canna....see... I am the man....if you canna hit me ....

That is your answer to everything. Resorting to threats! I get it. You have to rule the roost. Me working fifty hours a week and studying. The meals I cook. All the housework I do. I am done with this. I will leave. (Thinks: He actually said he is the man; he is a child)

-You winna cause someone like you is lucky to hae ....

But do you want a family with me? Do you just want me until someone better comes along? You do not want kids with me. So why do you want control over my life? You would not actually choose me and we do not have to bring up why. We should just end it. You are perfect and I am not. Right? Am I right? I do not have perfect eyesight and then the bipolar. I get the message, I get it. Loud and clear. When will you leave the playground?

-I telt ye hit me...shut yur fat mush and hit me....you will never leave....efter fouwer

You had to get fat in there somewhere. What the hell? I cannot handle you any longer. My head is literally buzzing somedays. This is as close as we get to a conversation. You like this. Hurling insults at me. My ears are ringing. From the stress...

Stressed? Ma feel aunt could dae yur job. Fan yur greasy mopped gaffers business goes under fit'll ye dae? Aye bear at in mind aye. Nae a leg tee stand on wince yuv bin in bilbohaw. Mind hoo lucky ye are I am aroon. Its ah lose/lose fur you an abiddy kanes

Work and evening courses and cooking and housework and you every single day. My job is soul destroying but you do not care. I am stressed about the future ! You won't move. I would have had a better job yesterday if we had moved. You know it. Everything I do has to fit around you and what you want.

Move for you? Why should anyone dae at fur you? You? It is you. You we are talking aboot. Who'd move fur you? You wid hae the neck tee ask someone to go oot thur wiy fur you? Delusional. It is f###in funny if you werena so sad. Worried aboot yur future. You got at fae an advert. Intellectual. Writer. Pfffttt. I git quines at wirk hinking they can hae trades an en at hame ...you....

You? What do you call me at work? The bit oh stuff. But I am not nice looking enough for that. The ball and chain? The Girrellfriend? You know I wish you would not speak like a yokel. What is it you want from me? Why are we still together if I am just your practice run?

Weel ah've bin hinking...

Thinking? I will believe that when I see evidence of it. Will you please for once speak normal English!!

nb. How arguements may have played out if Odd did not end them by violent force
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  #792  
Old 29th December 2022, 19:49
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default The path that could have/should have been

I still could have done this after:
Art school > psychology > art therapist
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  #793  
Old 4th January 2023, 11:45
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default I am not the (only) elephant in the room

I can remember just keep doing your art, taking an underhand pop at me when I was a teen. Saying that I should have been wearing make up everyday by my age. The old dear saying I only wore make up for special occasions. It is more often than that I said. I had to refrain from saying that I did not have a lot of money left for make-up after I paid for the things I needed because my sibling got everything and I got the minimum at best. By the time I paid for clothes I had little left. I was not paid for helping out at the gym.
I knew that paddy had not just a bee in her bonnet but a major issue with the pencey prep scenario. And the other side of the fence, the poor counterparts do not talk about money. Avoiding the elephant in the room. We have done it the whole time. It has become normal. I hardly expected them to tell me that my old dear was the one who took all the drugs under the sun before moving up to Scotland. You want to know what a spoilt rotten forces brat puts everyone through?
She refused the statins multiple times from the doctor. Her heart has been failing for some time. She has been on blood pressure tablets since her twenties. She is out of breath from a five minute walk. The only time she rests is to scroll through meta. When I stayed at xmas it took minutes before her first screaming fit erupted. She had a suspected mini heart attack. And Dumbo's reaction? "You are fine, nothing happened." Get back to work. You have no pension. When I say you do not want to know. Take it from me she is the "coorse"/coarse witch.

Odd thought that our neighbours who had barbecues in winter like an episode of Shameless were bad? I said once: Try having my old dear. She was a spoiled brat too. Home barbecues cost less than going to the pub every second night.
Odd would do what he alway's did. So. Shrug. So whit. I know everything. I know more than you. "Abiddy kanes yur parents are drouths. Boy who came into my work said he looked efter you and yur ..... good few weekends fan ye wur wee, cuz they iways were pawning you off at ither folks so they cud perty and get tanked up. And you telt me. Passed you fae pillar to post fan you werena at yur gran parents. Dinna hae tee tell me they were...."

When living with Odd I gave up make-up and heels to lessen his incessant toxic invective. For peace. Thinking I had to compromise and owed them. I gave up martial arts, running and other classes, all hobbies. I gave up dancing with friend's when out. I did not pursue art school. I gave up hope of getting my career back on track (Four is not prison but I still had to move to stand any chance of rekindling my old ambition). I would not give up writing. My only "luxury" was ordinary brand name trainers. I do not know what pranks his old posse pulled on him at the holiday alongside trying to get him to cheat, but he was beyond mad with them and when Odd made up his mind. Final.
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  #794  
Old 5th January 2023, 11:18
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default I did not bring this out into the open

I have started a novel about growing up. In a town in a cold country.
Odd and my family had pushed me into limbo. The inbetween stage. Question was, where was that going to be? At an impasse I had to take action. I knew I was beaten down. I did not know how close I was to breaking point but I knew it was possible. I knew my family idolised working men who went by the seat of their pants roll the dice men. These were self made men in their eyes. They alway's took the mans side. My old dear was head of the house. She thinks she is one of the boy's. I was a hard working woman who should have been in a career by then. I had nothing for a rainy day with Odd. If you walk on eggshells with someone like that you don't. I had nowhere to stay. Unless I agreed to be a housemaid and do both my parents and my Grans house, be an enabler and a carer and pay rent. No time to rebuild my own life. It was no better than being with Odd. They deliberately made it near to impossible for me in order to push me back to him. If he beat me to a pulp? He is a boy. Boy's have a lifeline to play in court unlike girls. He will get off then you can stay in a womans aid place and stay out of everyones hair. Keep that stigma to yourself. That is a reason in itself if he blew up we don't blame him. Imagine lumbering someone else with what they say about BilboHall? A young loon has choices. You don't. Who really gives ( a hoot)? Specially (no E) efter Four. Get it in your thick skull. Accept fit ye ar - a nae hoper. Get the number Four tattooed on your forearm so everyone can see. His family put a spare bed in the spare room thinking I may have went back.

But we were over and he was a ticking time bomb. I was in danger if I stayed. I needed to recover after what he had put me through and my family were a reason I gravitated to someone like that. They made it impossible for me to stay. They did not think about me for one spare moment. Convert the loft? I would have had to pay for it somehow. Do all their housework. All my grans housework. Be her carer and enabler. Have to take the first job there was to pay rent. In my home area after Four? I was a nervous wreck! I would have been dead on my feet. I was a young woman. Give my life up for my alcoholic manipulative vindictive gran so my ol' dear and dumbo could go to the boozer!? No. They deserved to be found out. It was insane. I needed someone to step in. To help me. I was a traitor. A grass. A clipe. But what else could I do? There was nothing else I could have done. Nothing.

My parents brought this all out into the open and not me. By telling everyone they possibly could that my blood father (his side had "coarse brats") was to blame. I had no choice but to overturn their crusade. They did not hesitate for a moment and went on the attack like animals. I know that other people have faced worse abuse behind closed doors than me. But my own family set out to make the breakdown impossible to put in the past by being the initiators and perpetrators of the vicious rumours that would inflame the stigma I was already facing. Knowing that by doing so I would not get a good job in the area and that friends would abandon me. I was believed by the doctor at eighteen and they dismissed my parents agenda.

If I made a statement. It had to be done. Not for me. To get through to other people. I had nowhere to go. I did everything I could and more after Four. You know I am naturally not a nervous or anxious type of person. Everyone used to comment on how calm and composed I was as a youngster. A breakdown at eighteen does that to a person. Shakes the foundation of everything you know. No-one around me wanted to know what was happening. But art therapy was not the be all and end all for me. I needed a life and work after that. I tried for better. To get what I could do. I stayed because I knew: it is better the devil you know. I should start with that. Why did I stay? I was not getting either what I needed or wanted. That is a protagonist. Add in imminent danger and raise the stakes. Doorway of no return.
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  #795  
Old 5th January 2023, 17:07
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default The post truth era

Some see art as a way out. True, some people are lucky and born into privilege by way of art. But essentially that belief is false. Getting out of the rat race is never at the forefront of an artists mind, or even unconsciously at the back of the mind. It is never a reason. Art matters. Art is needed. Taking the path of uncertainty is brave. It is not a way out. For me, post Four, writing was a chance to get fully back into life. If a person wants money so they do not have to grind sixty hours a week, they do not make art, they gamble (I do not condone this but people fall into that trap and it ruins lives) and play the lottery and work more overtime hoping to be the gaffer who can escape to the comfort of the office. I was willing to sacrifice for my writing. But for a greedy twott who was only trying to use me as target practice to see what he could get away with? What "jokes" he could get away with. Should have picked ones battles wiser.
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  #796  
Old 8th January 2023, 19:02
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default Twenty eight days, before and after.

Even if you do get better, you will never have anyone or be anything. That was the "prognosis on the street." I know that it is not this way for people from other backgrounds. Because I was a high flying youth, this was amplified. This was what people wanted. If it was only rumours and spiteful gossip I could have moved on and rolled my eyes at how fickle and ignorant some people are . But getting a job to keep a roof over my head, when I had to live with the fear that I would be "found out" for having been in hospital for one month, and then forced out of the door, was proving to be a fight for survival. I could barely scrape a living. I could hardly find a job with enough hours. Part time can lead to full time sure. I managed to get the hours but it was hard. I tried to get into organisations but competition was stiff and my heart was not in it. Did I deserve better? Could I give up on being a writer? I was a writer. I did not want to be. I just was.
My first impression was more or less gone. Pillar and my school teachers ensured that. If I could prove myself and keep four under wraps. What were the chances? Men do it for other men. Offer them real physical jobs. Men have families to provide for. A man not having a job, means less chance of a girlfriend, potentially drugs, and prison. It is inhumane to prevent a man getting work. A woman? Well, a man will still take care of her if she gets a little jobby at the food bank or charity shop. If she looks well kept, nice dressed and done up everyday. Keeps the house spick and span, kids fed and clothed. Keep the peace. Do not rock the boat. Some men still like the woman at home. This is how my family still think. Odd: comes out with a monologue: " When we ah were asked fit we winted to be, quine in my class just wanted to be a mum." I said: "I do not want kids until I have written and published a book and have a job where I am using my brain. Even Dumbo said I need to use the brain god gave me. They never criticised my supermarket job once. As for never left the Army. You and your pal saw him in action. That was him talking and not the whisky. It was not just me he called the cats mother. I mean he said my Gran with dementia put the whisky in the decanter. You do not joke about dementia. Come on if Dumbo realises I need to use my brain?"

Woman don't often help out one another. Usually just words of encouragement. But they often do not have the power or means to offer work. An agency finding people work where it is their actual profession is different. Chances are if you are polite, friendly, well spoken, bright, willing to put your nose to the grindstone, are competent, have a spoon fed Bahons/Hnd in I do not know what the hell I want to do but I know what I don't and look your best nine and three quarters of the time out of ten, you will still be punted towards Hospitality or Retail. And the Hospitality sector is volatile and temporary half of the time. A job hopping wagon you do not get off of. Supervisor gets paid a pound extra an hour. Managers have to deal with a constant turn over of staff who get bored or move onto better things. Owners taking big risks looking for the next enterprising idea.

When a woman has work worth having she will cling to it for dear life and not give away how she got there. There is no room for compassion. She will have to pursue it herself and take flack and scrutiny as that is seen as aggressive. It is not self-centred but self-preservation. Society does not really give a woman "a chance to prove herself." A woman gets there by herself a lot of the time. By not making a single mistake. That ship sailed before Four it felt for me. I alway's had more to prove.

I did not expect anyone to take a risk for me. I was capable of having work that guaranteed my independence and that had been snatched from me. One month. I felt aggrieved and bereft of a future. And those in my life wanted it that way. I felt like I had a black mark against my name. I passed my pvgs checks because I had done nothing criminal. I had a meltdown. I was being punished over and over when my life had been cruel and abusive enough. There had to be more for me than: it is better than nothing. Why did I have to atone for being the victim in all this?

I told myself it was better happening young. I had time to be forgiven and to forgive myself. For having a breakdown. Sorry for having a breakdown? It should have been other people who were apologising to me. I had to accept that would never happen and find a way to make peace with the past.
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  #797  
Old 8th January 2023, 21:41
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default Title comes last

28 Days and after
Stigma, scapegoating, dead and gone before you are gone
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  #798  
Old 9th January 2023, 11:13
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default Swimming against the tide

How could I free up the time? I was walking to a job at five in the morning. Then to my other job. Then evening classes. I had the ability to better myself but I did not have a home to call my own at the end of the day. I should have been beginning my own career at twenty one. Not overdosing because I was stuck in a cycle of abuse. He would be a hermit without my wage was his mantra. Losing my wage was the first concern of his.
When I went back to get my sports memories from the attic, he followed me around and snapped: yurr done, get out. I had sweat dripping down my face. I had not been in an anxious and scared state like that before, from just being in someones presence. Genuine overriding fear. The threats were real. The other times he blew were not like this. I could feel him simmering about to boil over. I had to leave.
A spare bed in the spare room? That would fix this mess? Sometimes it is better not knowing what is going on in someone else's head. He was a man and he had it in his mind that he could get what he wanted and avoid consequences but was it entirely his fault? No-one stepped up to give him a man to man talk. Working class men get away with murder compared to women.
He wanted to work the bare minimum. Drink. Have money for cars and motorbikes. Someone to cover his tracks and be complicit like his family did and not question. Everyone bowed down to him so he would never learn.
I could think for myself. That is why we were destined to flounder from day one. He would have jumped off of a cliff if his posse did. Like a Lemming following the ant-trail.
He had survived a car crash. It should have made him wary and more careful. He thought he was invincible behind the wheel. A motorbike? Not ready. Never ready. All the men he knew who had been brought up on assault charges - against men or women - were let off with a slap on the wrist. Be it a fine or community service. This lifeline was used in full force by Odd. Not just on me. He followed a renowned hardnut who did nothing to him, and cornered him like a psychopath with chloroform, stalking a victim. Bottle up. Bottle top spinning.

If Odds work had not covered up what he did, and the man had reported the incident to the Police, as the medical staff would have asked him, then I would have stood more of a chance. If I had reported Odd the times he blew up and reported his threats. I ended up overdosing. But I was used to living in fear my entire up-bringing. I did not need to find out if I had a fight or flight response when an old flame went to attack me for not doing their bidding. But I had no fight left in me. The last push to leave was because I was terrified of his anger that he bottled up and alway's intended to use. If you had seen the wild look that he had in his eyes when he punched a punchbag, lost his temper, started a fight. Wide eyes, unflinching, a blue flame.

It was over. It was over the first few weeks we moved into that godforsaken house. My family were never there or behind me. I could squeeze a few months with them, that was all. My friends had become acquaintances. And staying with a friend is only a temporary solution or not at all if they have a partner and family. Living with a friend can ruin a friendship too. I had all I needed to have a career and be free and independent. But the shadow of Four was ever present. I do not blame anyone for not wanting to be in my life anymore after it. Even if it was only one month.

I could have switched companies or went back to the one where they had kindly left the door open for me. They would have given me the hours. I could have done agency shifts, nights or days. It was a tough job. Starting at 6am and not finishing until 11pm somedays. They tried to give people either the morning or evening off. But staff retention was hard as it alway's is in healthcare. I tried to write inbetween but I was tired. I was working and blogging and reading. What I needed was to write.

I was taking jobs that were not my strong suit and not suited for my personality and brain. So I was swimming up stream. I could not just switch my brain off when it needed more. Working against the grain, taking what was thrown at me at work and then home. I felt the pressure of the external forces. A family and Odd using the stigma to keep me where they wanted. Eighteen I was still a child compared to my parents. Sixteen is the age a person is seen as an adult in the eyes of the law. I was listened to. I alway's spoke to the right person when I needed to. Odd would drop the bombshell: I think that you need help. He really was just acting out of his own insecurities because I was not the easy target he thought I was. He was using reverse psychology (yeh I know obvious trick, what a...) to try and prevent me opening up to someone else. Stay as the shadow. I had not created or spread the fear caused by stigma and conspiracy theories. But I had no choice but to rally against it. Did I need reminded of the enormity of being in the general hospital for a month on the mental health ward?
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  #799  
Old 9th January 2023, 11:14
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Default Locked out of life

Four had locked me out of life. I was not weak. I was one person. A breakdown is due to remaining strong for too long. I was spoken about like I was dead and gone. One month.
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  #800  
Old 10th January 2023, 16:03
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Default Re: If it is not broken

There are those who think that Bipolar cannot be managed or they would put it "controlled." Of course there are others who know that people at the top of their game have got there by harnessing or "using" their mental "differences." Perfection of an OCD trait. The Hyper focus of ADHD. The Hypomania of Bipolar. The Insight of depression.
Considering that my family would say that depression and anxiety diagnosed by a General Practitioner was just another excuse for "sheer bone idleness" then you can imagine what I was up against after a meltdown. Their ignorance rubbing off on other people who knew just as little.
I learned that having Bipolar, it can be managed. You can live. You just have to sometimes avoid stressors or triggers until you are back up to full strength. Not all the time. A person with Bipolar should not live in flux - up and down- once on top of thing's. But I know not everyone has my insight. Some people deny they have it altogether. I may have been born predisposed to having it, but that does not mean I would defintely have developed it. I do not know what the odds were. My background should not have been an overriding factor. Undoubtedly it was a leading one.
Mental Health affects every single person in their life at some point. We all experience grief and bereavement. Depressive feeling's. I bet that there are many women who experience imposter syndrome. I had to play the cards I had. I could not survive by folding or running from it.
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  #801  
Old 10th January 2023, 16:23
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Default Re: If it is not broken

I unintentionally paint the Bipolar as a separate entity at times. Like a beast of burden. A haunting. I have called it an affliction. Never a demon. It is at odds with the type of person I am. Before the stress of my life set it off, I was a calm composed, quiet and conscientious youth who took pride in their work (yes I am thinking of my early accurate school reports here in some instances * the wall left ) I was not erratic or unpredictable. Once I got to grips with it, I quelled the mood fluctuations. It was not as easy as simply accepting. I had my life to contend with at the same time.
I had a rebellious streak. I was young. I stood up for myself. I have said thing's I regret. I clashed with people. I have a brain. That was what life required of me. I grew up in a school of hard knocks. I did not really go off the rails. I did not run off with a soldier or follow a heavy metal band on every tour stop. Knowledge can get a person so far. I do not think art school was the right place for me at Eighteen. My rebellious side did not need to be encouraged (by up and coming fellow artists) I felt like a one trick pony anyway. Creative outlets can be put to bed. Sleeping dog's. It was not only a thousand papercuts. There were lacerating blows there that changed me. Made me jaded and despair at how I had to push myself so hard to end up in a hell I should never have wound up in.
Family who scapegoated me. Failed by those in education. With work it is who you know. My first impression was gone thanks to pillar and my teachers. Mental health treatment to put you back on your feet? Do not laugh. The approach most adopt is: Give up and die quietly. Do it alone so you do not bring someone else down with you.
My trust in humankind was badly shaken.
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  #802  
Old 10th January 2023, 17:27
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Default I think, therefore I am, question of the soul and sentient beings

By reducing animals to automata, Descartes paved the way for their commoditisation.
Perspective magazine article Dec22/Jan23
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  #803  
Old 10th January 2023, 17:30
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Default Solaris Stanislaw Lem

The Novel Solaris is a masterpiece because it theorizes how it would not be possible to communicate with alien beings/races/forms/civilisations.
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  #804  
Old 12th January 2023, 12:27
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Default Ignorance and power can result in a heady concoction

Threatening to have someone admitted to hospital is not a joke. Just triggering old traumatic memories is abuse in itself. I would have needed to quit my job undoing all my hardwork and building up. It is the ultimate control measure. A line that no person in sound mind would cross without expressing remorse afterwards. Odd was never ever apologetic or contrite. He bragged and boasted. Blamed everyone else. "Whit dae you expect fan YOU are why I hae the life oh a dog noo. Abiddy kanes it is you and your fault."

It is called growing up! I was lucky at Eighteen and then overdose? I did not know how lucky? I am one of the lucky ones and I have had to fight for my life just to get what should be available for everyone.
I worked through my regrets and took responsibility for what was my fault and what was not. My family were informed that I had had a genuine breakdown due to genuine reasons. In the end my parents decided this was not in their best interests. The conspiracy theories were. I was not the blood of my old dears meal ticket. I had to be dealt with. Odd capitalised on all of this. Capitalised on another persons misery. On my precarious situation. This situation caused by the stigma of Four, my family, and what led up to a collapse. Here I was thinking I had escaped the vultures. Odd would pick every scrap off of the carcass and shrug: "abiddy else gets their tuppence in life, their blood, the knife in, survival of the fittest. Dae what you have to dae or cop it. Grind em doon or get groond doon yursel. Ats hoo life operates. Nae a ghoster ah'll git finger oh blame pointed at me." Let them go but do not fully forgive or forget.
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  #805  
Old 12th January 2023, 13:26
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Default Pall bearers and bottom feeders

https://www.bbc.co.uk/arts/robertbur.../the_twa_dogs/

Yur family treat you like a two pitt junkie? Ma cousin wiz a real junkie. Noo he wiz scum oh the earth. Thone boy who got ......... tee sell coke wiz ana. Kane fit I wiz forced tee dae? Cerry the coffin. Hink that I wiz sad in the slightest tee see at junkie waste oh skin go intee the groond? Drove ma gran folks tee an early grave. Nick the sugar fae yur cuppa tae. Type that wid nab steaks fae markie hinking he cud sell em. Pit a cattle bolt tee ah oh their heeds so my taxes dinna hae tee keep em goin an terrorizin good workin folk. I pay fur food on ither folks tables. F###in joke.

You alway's have to be worse. A little compassion would not go amiss you know. Some people fall in with the wrong crowd. Your world is so black and white for everyone. Nothing you do wrong is ever you or your families fault.

Worse tshhh. Nae point feelin sorry for summin you brought on yursell. Yur job that ma feel aunt could dae? It is ah yur ane daen. Who wiz in bilbohaw ward fouwer? Ats why yurr family are the wiyy they are an ye will never git a decent job. Yur nae eese tee any man, dug or beast. Yur lucky you hae me. If folk widna talk....

( Lucky that I live with a fascist? Don't antagonise him further he alway's has to have the last word. He only opens his mouth to eat, drink or to throw out strings of insults)
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  #806  
Old 12th January 2023, 13:41
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Default Re: If it is not broken

Survival of the friendliest: understanding our origins and rediscovering our common humanity - Brian Hare and Vanessa Woods
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  #807  
Old 24th January 2023, 12:01
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Default The price of Tea in China

Genre: Memoir. Category: Domestic violence

I could not have brought kids into an atmosphere where they had to witness one parent continually belittlle, threaten and blame the other for their violence in the home and when out. To see one parent who would blame money for all his anger issues. To have one parent who would teach them that anger and hate were the only acceptable emotions to feel and show for men. One parent who would say that men get what they want and women don't. Women don't so that men can have what they want. If this did not happen he could eventually try and turn my own kids against me.
I had been in hospital for a month and now I did not need anything? I did not need what a person needs? What type of message is that to give to children? That some people can be treated like an animal. Food and a roof over your head and that is your lot. I did not deserve to have needs nevermind to want. It was delusional and sadistic to treat a person that way. I needed to be on the career ladder. Everything in my life was shot. But I could not erase the hospital stay. And he could not use it as an excuse to explain his violent outbursts when he was just as bad when we met and before! Those who know him know it. Knew he was going to put whoever he wound up with through hell. That he would not change. But people have their own lives. I did not need anyone to point that out to me.

Down the line him trying to make me out to be the bad parent instead of him. History repeating. I may have been left even more stranded than I was when I did leave leave him at the six year itch mark. Why would I stay with a person who was unstable enough to destroy lives like that? It was not just my own life to consider in the future. He resented me because I wore glasses for crying out louds sake. I would have needed to protect a child from their own Dad picking on them if they were not as strong as he wanted or expected? (God he is like my blood father I cannot ever say it though) I was respected by peers. No-one made me feel self-conscious for wearing glasses. So of course I knew Odd had issues galore. He looked for fights like a football casual every weekend. How on earth did I get involved with someone like that?

But I had been in Four. He thought I had no voice anymore and it would be my word against his. All he thought he had to say was: "she was in ward Four when she was Eighteen, she's the ane lying, so put that in your pipe and let me hame." Ok so has your partner opened up about their past trauma to you? Do you think you could have triggered them and that caused an arguement? Was there an arguement? Or was it you who lost your temper? Are you experiencing more stress at work? Did you trigger them on purpose? I do not see a scratch on you and there is nothing broken in the house so that rules out provocation and self-defence. A tiny tear on your shirt? Was that when you held them down before they lost consciousness? You assaulted them because they do not make enough money? You assaulted them because they had been in hospital and you thought no-one would believe them? My ..... was in hospital four times this year. Your ex-partner has said that you threatened to try and put her in the hospital if she tried to leave.
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  #808  
Old 25th January 2023, 11:23
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Default Re: If it is not broken

If there are cuts I will first go to PASS. PatientAdviceServicesScotland
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  #809  
Old 25th January 2023, 16:24
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Default Re: If it is not broken

Under Eighteen: I do not want kids. Ever. I would be a better parent than mine but I think I am a career gal.
Just after Eighteen: I do not want kids until I have a career and have published my first book. Just because my parents were the worst, it does not mean that I will be. I am nothing like them.
Twenty two: (to odd) you do not want family with me. Maybe you want family. Not with me. Do not string me along furthur if you cannot say vows or do not want family. It is not fair on me. Do you think that we cannot afford kids because of what "the boy" at work say's? But you won't move for me. I am too young for kids. I cannot work at these type of jobs for much longer. It is soul destroying for me. I won't let my brain go to waste. I should not be forced to.
Rest of twenties: I cannot put myself through that again with another person.
Now: My writing career comes before everything else. I genuinely do not think having kids is in my future. I can still be happy. Two more years. First twelve years are the hardest in a writers career.
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  #810  
Old 1st February 2023, 16:23
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Default Re: If it is not broken

I have never felt at a disadvantage. My life taught me to not take the importance of having a place to call home for granted.
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