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  #811  
Old 2nd February 2023, 10:54
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default Re: If it is not broken

There was no shame or disappointing feeling's from not fitting into a workplace clique notorious for bullying. I was not supposed to be there. I was supposed to have spread my wing's. Been at art school somewhere fresh.
They offered me a reference for another job at the end of the day. At the time I did not think it was to deter me from reporting them to citizens advice. What is it with power trippers? Good jobs are scarce for women. It may be a reason but it does not excuse the behaviour. Women throw other women under the bus for their work all the time. I am a big girl now and so are you. Deal with it. My male colleagues may be soft on the girls but not me. Woe betide I be seen as a sympathiser to women and called a.....feminist
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  #812  
Old 2nd February 2023, 11:36
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Default Re: If it is not broken

Who did my parents think they were, convinced that they would be listened to over Psychiatric Doctors? To try and condemn their own blood to an early grave? Lying to everyone. I know that coarse brats on cats mothers side is the reason I have no inheritance. Reopening old wounds and scars (cannot stand the sight of you). I was settled until then and I do believe that. My grandparents who I spent time with every single week of my life until my old dear turned them against me and now Dumbo who stole a kids dinner money in the morning will be in charge of both properties. My old dear wants it that way. "You are born a man or tough ti##y." One person will in effect own three properties down the line. Will that help with their spiralling drinking habit? A motorbike if they cannot stay sober?

That seems to be the way in this country. Consolidating wealth to the hands of one party while gaslighting with lies and creating scapegoats ( those who staunchly believe that non-indigenous take from the indigenous but what does that misdirected mirth mean in the UK? Am I classed as thus because I have some roots outwith the UK? I have seen and experienced the collective anger projected outwards) and building nothing but smoke and mirrors. Attract wealthy people to furthur exploit the ordinary punters at the "lower" end of the gap. Because people are bricks on a pyramid to be placed lowly or highly. Oh state the obvious say's the philanphropist. The elusive obvious.
It was my Grandparents place and my old dears place initially and not a sausage will be left for me. I have been through hell and alway's worked or studied. None of it was going to matter to them. I had to do it for myself in order to survive.
I was alway's going to have to make it on my own and I am fine with it. I acknowledged the hurt, pain and self-destructive feelings my life caused, worked through it. I made my peace with it long ago. If a memoir was my only option left would my own parents have taken me to court? Not growing up by choice is not a cover excuse to be cruel, abusive, selfish and heartless.
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  #813  
Old 4th February 2023, 11:04
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default *trigger warning

Odd: You are gittin nixx. Nae one teaspoon. I will mack sure you dinna hae a pot tee p##s in. Nae ma fault you will hae tee bide in a hostel. Nae address so nae work. Ho ho ho hostel. Ha rdee ha ha f###in ha. I am a nice person whose good at nuhin. Whoopy doo ding dong. Hae fun bein able tee buy a walmart pair oh jeans an poonlinn t- shirts. Be amung the junkies who have lost thur tenth flat. Dross. Scum. Pathetic. Lowest oh the low. Ats you. You'll be tarred as a junkie by mare than yur femly. On ye go. Git crackin. Fleas, scabies an needles. Diseases. Git raped by a junkie scumbag. Who'll touch you efter being in air? Ward number Fouwer and noo I will pit you wi yurr kind. The like oh ya.
You dinna kane hoo lucky ye are tee hae me. Yur family dinna gie a fleein #### aboot ye. Lose yur job wihoot a car and hae to stay in a hostel for years wi junkies. Yur femly still winna pitt ye up. Nae c### wints yay.


It IS your fault. I gave up the years I should have been studying towards a career for you. All my money, hard work and time has went into this god forsaken house and you will beat me to a pulp rather than give me my dues. Why don't you let me go? I know you do not want any more with me. I have realised you are using me. I was just your target practice. I am going. I already buy some second hand stuff. I can go back to the other company or work in a home. If you want me to do what your colleague had to do. So be it. You will have to take the stick for making me sleep on the couch when I needed rest to work and make me be the one to declare. I have local connections I will be fine. I am leaving tomorrow ok.

Odd: Thank f###. Thank f### we never booked thone holiday or got a mutt. I will need ah the money I can git. You will niver find anither man as good as me. Aye on ye go, on ye go and get yursell a junkie f### best chance you hae you'll nivir hae someone normal ...you may as weel ave bin in the jaiyal takkin peels like a junkie...I can dae better than a junkie...

(Let the remorseless reprobate have the last punt, the final word, he won't stop until he does. Thank god I won't have to listen to an overgrown manchild trash talk anymore)

Since when is taking an antidepressant med make anyone a junkie! Have you used the word junkie enough? Do you know how many millions take medication? Sorry I am not perfect. Six years of my life. You never wanted a life with me.

* I realise that addiction does not make a person violent. Often it leads to violent crime and some are bad apples but many addicts are self-destructive. Be it alcohol or hard drugs. The socioeconomic factors cannot be dismissed.
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  #814  
Old 4th February 2023, 14:34
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default Re: If it is not broken

It must be harder for you. Yes. Try walking a mile in my shoes and you'd feel what it has been like for me. I don't say that. Walk a mile in my shoes and you would see why I find it difficult to trust people at times would be the fitting answer. I shrank back into my shell. Where else could I go after?
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  #815  
Old 4th February 2023, 16:17
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default Y.i.p's

I feel inclined to put my opinion on the table and say that cancelling a person (especially a young person) from social media spaces, should not be done unless in cases where such person is involved in organisations that threaten national security or that the comments can be proven to have the ability to incite hate, harm and danger to a person or group of persons.
I know that hate speech towards any group of people is extremely dangerous. Inflammatory rhetoric can be the precursor to violent action. If they intentionally knew they were directly or indirectly causing harm then removal for a long stretch is just.
However, young people are impressionable and this includes young adults into their twenties. It is easy to become desensitised to terms and language used by family or peers or from "influencers." There is the issue of wishing to fit in and assimilate at all costs. This is an old primitive survival instinct. A young person can be under the influence of substances and/or struggling emotionally and not realise the dangers of the hate speech they have learned.
Criminals are given sentences according to the crime committed. A punishment should fit the crime.We are passed the stage of publicly putting people in stocks for humiliation. I think that removing a persons platform is denying them of our long fought for civil liberties and is not befitting of the "crime."
As an artist, getting carried away with freedom of expression is a common occurrence. A high profile person may have a crisis of faith and resent or become weary of the responsibilities that come with their immense creative talents. Feel like a fraud or have imposter syndrome. Make a mistake like human being's do for once and see what happens. Give me a chance to see the error of my way's. Do I deserve no mercy?

To get a point across, sometimes it feels like one side should be dogmatically taken like it is a courtroom: you are the prosecution or the defence. The initial concern gets lost amongst the evidence to back it up. I know here we are too good at saying: get a spine, grow a backbone, choose a side, speak with conviction, do not be a flake. I have no time for wishy washy liberals. We would never get anything done if we all were.

Should there be school uniform or should fox hunting be banned? These were hardly the big problematic social issues festering in the UK. My High School critiques were a waste of time. Euthanasia get's you to think. I do not know, every situation is different. Open one door it may lead to others so keep it locked. Death penalty. Against. Our officers only have batons; only specialised units have training for arms. Tasers are too dangerous in the Nanny State where leaders say a family can eat a nutritious meal for thirty whole pence? When? Fifty years ago? The electricity/gas for the cooker excluded. I am no nutritionist or dietician, but a child cannot grow healthy and strong and escape impoverished lives if they subsist on a handful of staples. If you do not feel horrified and digusted by an elitist out of touch dismissal of the existence of poverty, then you have no humanity.

Are you a better person for pouring salt into someones wound time and again? To not even try and see their side of the story even if what they said was misguided and unbalanced? Will you not be happy until you have punished, tortured and broken an individual because they do not agree with you? I am right so you are wrong? Who is the thought criminal here? The "perpetrator" or the self-appointed prosecutors? When a person has achieved so much let's make an example of them? Or should they have known better. I think most of us have been told we should know better at any age.

"..... cancel culture is unproductive on the basis that the shame associated with being wrong deters people from moving forward"
."..We think that shaming is a great moral compass, that we can shame people into being better, but that’s not true "

"What it isn’t is call-out culture, which is highlighting a mistake, condemning it if it’s harmful and asking them to do better so that the individual doesn’t make the same error again. Both are linked to public shaming, and both have been used as a way of achieving social justice."

The right to free speech is “the lifeblood of a liberal society”,
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  #816  
Old 5th February 2023, 12:05
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default Re: If it is not broken

I told my old dear on the phone that it was over. Before the thank god monologues, Odd said: "I thought that we were getting on better." No. We were pulling apart.

We were not getting on better. The main reason for the lull was that I was scared of him. He bottled up his anger and alway's intended to use it on someone. When would he use his full might on me? This was the calm before the storm. He wants more money coming in. I feel guilty for encouraging to switch to that job where he is already overpaid and does not know how to speak to people and it does stress him out. So I feel the financial pressure (created by Odd as we have no debt at all. The mortgage was the same outgoing as renting would have been) is on me and my fault and I do not know for certain if the dust will settle for me without moving. He is completely conflicted and I cannot watch it anymore. He does not want me to better myself. I am not his choice but he does not want me to leave. All he wants is control and more money. He listens to no one. Nevermind a woman. Nevermind one who must be weak because they had a collapse as a teenager. He only changed jobs because the pay was better and his old work was "like a morgue" on breaks.

The second main reason was that I was exhausted and my nerves were fraying. I was tired of trying to get him to see sense. I had to remain in a heightened state of fear. I had never felt safe anywhere. Safety and comfort seemed a long way off for me. I had not given up. I realised, so the proverb goes that I was "in it for the long haul." Life and the people in my life had put me here and the only person who could remove this crippling and all encompassing stigma, was myself by speaking and finding the right people to help me out. Odd was fanning the flame instead of helping.

Lastly I had a different job. My confidence was coming back day by day. I was finding myself again. I was reminded that I was still intelligent and physically and mentally sharp and fit. Albeit I was a nervous wreck. I dug down and kept going knowing I could heal. I had to. The pieces of the puzzle were starting to fit together and with more time I would get there. I did not think that I would be given the time I needed until wildfire. That was all I ever needed. Time and space.
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  #817  
Old 5th February 2023, 12:32
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default Human vultures

I was made to feel like I had nothing to lose instead of feeling like I had it all to gain. That explains my rebellious stage. I was with someone who made me feel like I was lost and who continued to fan the flames of the hospital stay. Before and after. Before I was somebody. After I was lost and broken. There was no going back to before. I was lying when I said that I do not feel regret anymore. I do not dread remembering as profoundly as before. I do not feel guilt anymore, for having had a breakdown, as some tried to make me feel, as I have been through the motions. I do still feel sad and anguished that it happened. From the way my own family treated me.
The young me could not have known so I was the one let down by others and not the other way around. I blamed myself for way too long. But that was not entirely bad because no-one else in my life was ever going to admit their guilt or culpability when they had chances to run. I had to do the opposite. I took the right path by concentrating on what only I could do. I was not the only person who knew that I did not end up on a psych ward for a month because of a "faulty gene" that came from my blood fathers side. Modern medicine agrees that the causes are rooted in the environment and conditions a person grows up in. That can include outside the home too. Look, I know no parent is ever in perfect condition or in a good place their whole lives sometimes, but scapegoating is an evil, deliberate and prolonged crusade.
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  #818  
Old 6th February 2023, 16:16
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default I am from the same side of the tracks (as you) except I found constructive outlets

It is true that someone from my walk of life does not have as many choices as the image of this country will lead you to believe. I had a story worth bringing to the public sphere/domain. A breakdown does not come from nowhere. Stress is not the full story when it is a young person with a future ahead of them. I was relieved that the doctors had concluded that it WAS an external factor - stress. Stress was a gentle nudge to consider the real/other underlying reasons - suspected abuse and trauma.
Scapegoating has a ripple effect in a small town. It does not take much for the fire to take hold and spread. I had a collapse and I heard wind of most of the cover up's. I never lit the fire but I was the one who had to put it out. Calling my writing wildfire was wrong of me. It was the truth to combat the flames. I was up against it. I had cut ties before the hospital.
Being believed by the right people was a big deal. It was imperative to my recovery.
I did not feel like I needed a fresh start somewhere else when I had done nothing wrong. My teachers told pillar I was lazy for not going choosing furthur education even though it has been proven that most students from my background are massively underemployed, so pillar told my manager at the time that I was lazy even though I was training with the Olympic Team and funding it myself from work. My first impression destroyed. I needed my job. My blood father called me "a lazy #€#€# like my mother" to my face. She had already turned my grandparents against me and said my sibling and cousin were better at their sports than I was. I had classic symptoms of complex-ptsd nevermind emotional repression. I was scared to write in English class.
Thankfully I knew: why try and prove myself to the people who have let me down and wanted me to fail? If I am going to live I have to write my truth. My books.
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  #819  
Old 7th February 2023, 20:46
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default A good old trip down Oasis lane

Here's a thought for every man
Who tries to understand what is in his hands (what's in his hands)
He walks along the open road of love and life
Surviving if he can (surviving if he can)

Bound with all the weight of all the words he tried to say
Chained to all the places that he never wished to stay
Bound with all the weight of all the words he tried to say
As he faced the sun he cast no shadow

As they took his soul they stole his pride (pride)
As they took his soul they stole his pride (pride)
As they took his soul they stole his pride (pride)
As he faced the sun he cast no shadow

Ah ah
Ah ah
Ah ah

Here's a thought for every man
Who tries to understand what is in his hands (what's in his hands)
He walks along the open road of love and life
Surviving if he can (but only if he can)

Bound with all the weight of all the words he tried to say
Chained to all the places that he never wished to stay
Bound with all the weight of all the words he tried to say
As he faced the sun he cast no shadow (ah ah)

As they took his soul they stole his pride (pride)
As they took his soul they stole his pride (pride)
As they took his soul they stole his pride (pride)
As they took his soul they stole his pride (pride)
As he faced the sun he cast no shadow
As he faced the sun he cast no shadow (ah ah)
As he faced the sun he cast no shadow (ah ah)
As he faced the sun he cast no shadow
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  #820  
Old Yesterday, 13:56
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default A Spare bed at a wedding.

Pierce the Veil
king for a Day

Dare me to jump off of this Jersey bridge
I'll bet you've never had a Friday night like this
Keep it up, keep it up, let's raise our hands
I take a look up at the sky and I see red
Red for the cancer, red for the wealthy
Red for the drink that's mixed with suicide, everything red
Please, won't you push me for the last time?
Let's scream until there's nothing left
So sick of playing, I don't want this anymore
The thought of you is no ****ing fun
You want a martyr? I'll be one
Because enough's enough, we're done
You told me think about it, well I did
Now I don't wanna feel a thing anymore
I'm tired of begging for the things that I want
I'm over sleeping like a dog on the floor
The thing I think I love will surely bring me pain
Intoxication, paranoia, and a lot of fame
Three cheers for throwing up, pubescent drama queen
You make me sick, I make it worse by drinking late
Scream until there's nothing left
So sick of playing, I don't want to anymore
The thought of you is no ****ing fun
You want a martyr? I'll be one
Because enough's enough, we're done
You told me think about it, well I did
Now I don't wanna feel a thing anymore

I'm tired of begging for the things that I want
I'm over sleeping like a dog on the floor
Imagine living like a king someday
A single night without a ghost in the walls
And if the bass shakes the earth underground
We'll start a new revolution now
Now

Hail Mary, forgive me
Blood for blood, hearts beating
Come at me
Now this is war
(**** with this new beat)
Now terror begins inside a bloodless vein
I was just a product of the street youth rage
Born in this world without a voice or say
Caught in the spokes with an abandoned brain
I know you well, but this ain't a game
Blow the smoke in diamond shape
Dying is a gift, so close your eyes and rest in peace

You told me think about it, well I did
Now I don't wanna feel a thing anymore
I'm tired of begging for the things that I want
I'm over sleeping like a dog on the floor
Imagine living like a king someday
A single night without a ghost in the walls
We are the shadows screaming, take us now
We'd rather die than live to rust on the ground (####)
Source
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  #821  
Old Today, 09:56
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default A spare bed at a wedding

A spare bed in the spare room? It was all she had at her drouth head parents house. You cannot miss what you never had. Can't get a worthwhile job after bilbohaw Ward Fouwer. Just like prison and ex-cons. Marked as animals. Dog sleep's on the floor. Who gives a rats.

Sleeping beauty pricks her finger on the spindle of the spinning wheel. When all that is needed is to reinvent the wheel.“Certainty of death. Small chance of success. What are we waiting for?” — The way is shut. It was made by those who are dead. The way is shut. Speak to the dead. DreamWalker. Boom the drums, like a timebomb set it off. Am I not white enough looking for you? Someone like me? Elton John. The Beatles. Working Class heroes. It is not white privilege. It is white male privilege. Ignorance or Inattention? When does selfish self-centredness become neglect and abuse?
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  #822  
Old Today, 11:51
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default A thousand paper cuts; and lacerating blows

Are you going to write a memoir because your mum did not love you and your father did not want you? Boohoo. What is there to say about the BilboBaggins funny farm that people do not already know?
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