How is everyone feeling? (31) - Page 792

Consolida · #**23731** 28th January 2022, 18:27

I just want to be with my mum

biscuits · #**23732** 28th January 2022, 18:53

I'm so sorry that you're having to go through this, Consolida

it's incredibly cruel.

Sunrise · #**23733** 28th January 2022, 19:05

I hope that your mum's condition improves and that you can see her as soon as possible. It sounds like such an awful situation to be in. Look after yourself.

Dougella · #**23734** 28th January 2022, 19:07

I'm not a praying person either, but I will hope for you that they get a side room quickly. This is very unfair to all of you

newbs16 · #**23735** 28th January 2022, 23:03

Really sorry to hear this, I hope your mum gets better soon and you can visit.

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Consolida · #**23736** 29th January 2022, 02:58

I'm feeling beyond distraught.

I took a covid test tonight which was of course negative, and my husband had to stop me from getting in the car and driving to the hospital. I can't sleep because I'm waiting for the phone call to say that my mum has slipped away. The hospital said that they will call if she takes a sudden turn for the worse but by then it will be too late to comfort her as she won't even be aware of my presence. I recognise the signs of increasing confusion, not eating and drinking, and sleeping a lot from when my dad died. I promised myself that my mum wouldn't pass away all alone in the place she loathes more than any other. I don't know why the Haematology Consultant phoned me yesterday to inform me that she is seriously unwell and that she may pass away with this infection if I'm not allowed to even see her. It seems so cruel. I've begged and begged and begged the Hospital to let me see my mum as she's deteriorated, and I've even called PALS, but all they keep saying is that I can't see her because it's against 'Hospital Policy'. How I've come to despise those ****ing words. The only thing that is stopping me from driving myself to the hospital at 3 in the morning and creating a fuss is the fact that I've tried, unsuccessfully, to numb the emotional pain with some vodka.

I really don't know what to do anymore. I just want this pain to stop

Merritt · #**23737** 29th January 2022, 05:22

I'm so sorry you're going through this, Consolida

I don't know how I'd cope with it if I was in the same situation.

It isn't much comfort, but whenever you feel like beating yourself up, or feel like you're letting your mum down, remember you're literally doing everything you can, nothing about what is happening is your fault.

Consolida · #**23738** 29th January 2022, 08:33

^/^^/^^^/^^^^/^^^^^/^^^^^^/^^^^^^^ Thank you to everyone here who has posted supportive comments, it means an awful lot x

Some people in my Benzo group have said that I shouldn't have drunk any alcohol as it acts on the same part of the brain as Benzo's. If I've messed up my taper then maybe I'd be better off taking some Lorazepam just to get me through the next few days. I don't know.
Someone also suggested that I watch some Billy Graham, John Osteen, Charles Stanley, and Joyce Meyer You tube videos. Who are these people?

If they are religious then I don't think they will help me as I'm not really a believer although I think I'm desperate enough to give anything a try at the moment.

Amara 94 · #**23739** 29th January 2022, 09:23

^This situation must feel really difficult, I canâ€™t comprehend it, because there is not much control on your side in what might happen in the situation. I donâ€™t know how realising there is not much control in your side would help, or if it helps, makes you think things should be different. But I think it might be something to be aware of, you probably are though.

newbs16 · #**23740** 29th January 2022, 10:10

^^ Maybe you could try calling the ward and hope you get to speak to someone who would let you see your mum. I really don't understand why they won't let you visit, it doesn't make sense to me at all, think I would be tempted to stand outside and keep ringing the buzzer, or keep calling they might get sick of you and let you visit.

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Dougella · #**23741** 29th January 2022, 10:33

^^^ Those people you've been recommended are very religious, so if that's not your thing I would give them a miss! Also I think taking more of your meds when you've worked so hard to reduce them doesn't seem like a good idea, but given the circumstances just do what you think is best.

One thing I've noticed from my own family situations is that when people are at the end they do often seem to hold on until their close family members can get there and be with them. If your Mum is at that point then I hope that will be the case and you will be able to be with her.

Dougella · #**23742** 29th January 2022, 13:43

^ I agree, the only thing is I suppose they are concerned with the risk to the other people on the ward. But if that's the case they absolutely should facilitate a private space for the person concerned so that their relatives can visit. Them saying that there isn't one available just isn't good enough, they need to make a space available.

Tubbs · #**23743** 29th January 2022, 14:19

@Consolida I really feel for you going through this nightmare, I wish I knew what to say

Merritt is absolutely right that you've done your very best for your mum, and none of this is your fault. I hope and pray that you'll be able to see your mum very soon. You're in my thoughts. Sending lots of love

xx

Consolida · #**23744** 29th January 2022, 16:02

^ Thank you Tubbs that's very kind of you x

I finally got to see my mum. I phoned the ward and had to threaten to take my mum out of the hospital if they weren't going to allow me to see her. I don't know why the hospital had to put me through weeks of hell. She looked so frail hooked up to an intravenous drip but was able to talk a little. I said an emotional goodbye, just incase I don't have the chance to see her again. If she manages to hang on until Monday I'm going to try to get her back home so she can spend her final few days with those who love her.

The pain of losing a loved one is the worst pain in the world.

Dougella · #**23745** 29th January 2022, 16:24

^ Well done for being so forceful about it and I'm glad you got to see your Mum

. It sounds like a good plan to see if she might be able to come home next week.
I'm sorry I can only imagine how painful all this must be for you.

Azalea · #**23746** 29th January 2022, 17:06

^^I'm so sorry for what you are going through but glad you got to see your mum at last

Consolida · #**23747** 30th January 2022, 06:08

^/^^/^^^ Thank you so much x

You're so right there Lee, losing loved ones is utterly utterly awful. There's no other pain quite like it

I'd stuck to my taper rigidly since the Summer but yesterday I took an extra lorazepam. I'm tying to not beat myself up over it though, what's done is done, and I think I'm suffering enough for the moment.

SpectralOwls · #**23748** 30th January 2022, 08:35

I'm so sorry, Consolida. I can't even imagine being in your shoes right now.

I'm glad you got to see your mother at least. Please take care of yourself, you're doing all the right things, and you're doing all you can. Be kind with yourself, it's a rough time right now.

biscuits · #**23749** 30th January 2022, 08:57

So glad that you got to see your Mum, Consolida xx

newbs16 · #**23750** 30th January 2022, 10:14

I think you should be really of how well you've cooped with things recently, you deserve a big pat on the back, well done for not letting the hospital get the better of you. Take care x

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Amara 94 · #**23751** 30th January 2022, 11:12

Itâ€™s great that you got to see your mum Consolida

Percy · #**23752** 30th January 2022, 13:41

Good news about seeing your mum Consolida

3stacks · #**23753** 30th January 2022, 23:39

I realised how much of a toxic person I've been in the past especially to other people and I mean truly horrible actions and words, it makes me anxious that I'll never be able to change and I should just stay away from people forever for their sake.

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Tembo · #**23754** 31st January 2022, 00:59

^ Perhaps you may not have been as bad as you think. Also, the fact you have self-awareness of this is a good sign. Truly toxic people donâ€™t have this awareness.

Dougella · #**23755** 31st January 2022, 09:53

^^ I agree with Tembo, self awareness is a good thing. If you realise you may not have behaved in the best ways before (which is probably true for all of us sometimes!) then you can start to do better from now on.

Consolida · #**23756** 31st January 2022, 10:16

Quote:

Originally Posted by 3stacks

I realised how much of a toxic person I've been in the past especially to other people and I mean truly horrible actions and words, it makes me anxious that I'll never be able to change and I should just stay away from people forever for their sake.

Sent from my SM-G988B using Tapatalk

We have all said and done hurtful things to other people and then regretted it afterwards, I know I have. It's called being human.
If you've lashed out at others in the heat of the moment through anger or hurt then it's sometimes not too late to try and make amends and apologise. So many of us hurt the people that we most love but it's never too late to change and to show them how much they mean to us

@ SpectralOwls, Biscuits, newbs 16, Nothing_Special 2501 and Percy - Thank you for your kind words

I'm feeling frustrated, sick, terrified, and a whole load of other truly horrible emotions

I'm meant to be having a meeting with my mum's cancer Consultant today but he hasn't even arranged a time yet! FFS we are talking about someone's life here! I want to at least try and get my beloved mum home before it's too late

Azalea · #**23757** 31st January 2022, 17:16

@ Consolida I hope you hear something soon.

@Lee did you bite into one of the rocks?

Met up with my mum for the first time in 2 years today.
She no longer drives and lives 2 buses away so I suggested meeting her in town.
I was anxious but meeting away from the house made it easier and she was quite well behaved. I'm glad I managed to do it as I've been avoiding her.

choirgirl · #**23758** 31st January 2022, 20:14

^^^^Thank goodness you were able to see your mum, Consolida, and well done for putting your foot down. I hope you can arrange what you want.

Mellie · #**23759** 31st January 2022, 20:18

Feeling like a horrible person.

Consolida · #**23760** 31st January 2022, 21:36

^ You are NOT a horrible person Mellie, you're lovely

^^ Thank you choirgirl.
It's been such an awful battle getting the hospital to allow me to visit my mum but I'm glad I stuck to my guns and they eventually relented. I just wish they hadn't forced me to go for so long without seeing her.

@ Lee - Ahh I'm sorry you've broken your tooth although it's lucky that it isn't giving you any pain. I hate dentists too but not just from an SA perspective.

@ Azalea - I can understand why you felt so anxious about meeting up with your mum as 2 years is a long time, but I'm so glad that it went okay for you.

I'm feeling utterly heartbroken

I saw my mum's Consultant at the hospital this afternoon and he is withdrawing all of the cancer treatment as my mum is so frail and isn't able to shake off the pneumonia. Therefore we are getting her back home as fast as possible because that's where she wants to be when the time comes - the MacMillen Nurse said this could be a matter of days rather than weeks so I shall stay with her right until the end.