Relationships, do you feel pressured to get one?

[The_Fr33_Man]

Not only from people but from yourself primarily. I feel as if in our culture we are conditioned to think that getting a relationship will bring us happiness and fulfillment, more importantly liberation from our own situations. I experienced first hand that this is not the case yet it seems this is what we all think.

From a young age we watched cartoons, films, adverts all things which push the importance of relationships and in some cases everlasting love (thanks Disney) etc.

I personally used to feel (and still somewhat feel) guilty if I didn't get one. I even catch my parents on a few occasions stressing the fact that i need one.

I'm not saying relationships are bad, its just it seems when you are pressured to get one, there is a chance you end up in a horrible situation in which you cling to your partner for your security, making the breakup (if it does occur) all the more painful.

Do you feel pressured to get one?

[Memory]

Yeah. I do feel pressured to get one, especially because both of my siblings are in a relationship and I know of people my age who are engaged/married. I guess it wouldn't feel so bad if I had friends but because I don't really, it feels like there's more pressure. As far as my family know, I haven't been in a relationship (I have actually got out of my only one a few months ago) so I think it's more they want me to be in a relationship so I can be happy and social, more than because it's what's expected. I do feel pressured to be in one, it's hard not to really.

[Spilt_Auras]

It's what you were born to do, so that pressure will be there both internally and externally.

[The_Fr33_Man]

Originally Posted by Spilt_Auras

It's what you were born to do, so that pressure will be there both internally and externally.

I dont think so... we definitely were born to feel attracted to the opposite sex, but the pressure is something entirely man-made. ergo when i was younger I had no problem talking to the opposite sex, this was about 12-13 when i was beginning to feel sexually attracted to them, but when anxiety grew for a number of factors THEN the pressure occurred, i believe its something culturally conditioned rather than biological- you don't seek parrots blushing and stuttering when trying to attract a mate.

[The Pearl Fisher]

I sometimes think that at the age of 45, I need to get a 'move on'.

However, the older I get the more choosy I seem to be: not in terms of looks, but in finding someone who is on the same wavelength as me.

I think I'd rather be 55 and still on my own rather than be married to someone who didn't totally 'click' with.

[samelen]

Sometimes when I'm out with my friends, they bring their boyfriends along, although I don't know why we can't sometimes have a girls night out. I sometimes feel pressured then. Some of my family are like, why haven't you got a boyfriend, especially when my brother is in a relationship. They think I'm weird.

I've been in a relationship, but I didn't tell anyone because of the fear of being judged, as my family often do that. I tell them anything and they will criticise me, it's just who they are. Maybe that's why I'm so socially awkward.

Anyway, even with them, I don't let it get to me so much. If it happens, it happens. I'm not letting my friends and family run my life. If they don't like who I am, then they can hit the road.

[LittleMissMouse]

Yeah, I do feel pressure, meself I'm quite ambivalent, I can deal with being single, but I don't like being pitied by other people for being single, and I hate other people trying to matchmake.

[Moksha]

Originally Posted by The_Fr33_Man

I dont think so... we definitely were born to feel attracted to the opposite sex,.

yes...we have evolved to physically desire that person, but not to then live with him or her in a small, expensive semi-detached house for 50 years.

[Toxic]

yeah this is like the do you feel pressured to have a kid thread, i didnt feel pressured for that

however for a relationship i do feel pressured

not so much by my parents despite the odd comment about they dont want to see me alone

but when my friends are either married or with long term partners, even if they dont bring it up (although sometimes they do) i still feel it...i also get the pity a bit, tiresome!

[Moksha]

Originally Posted by The Pearl Fisher

I sometimes think that at the age of 45, I need to get a 'move on'.

However, the older I get the more choosy I seem to be: not in terms of looks, but in finding someone who is on the same wavelength as me.

I think I'd rather be 55 and still on my own rather than be married to someone who didn't totally 'click' with.

You are right to do so.

I think women are definitely still under more pressure than men to be in a relationship. There is an assumption that if you are single you must be lonely and unhappy. I can 100% guarantee you that some of the loneliest and unhappiest people in your neighbourhood are in relationships. It's the same with having kids: being married and having children are both difficult, stressful experiences. People in that position need to reassure themselves that they aren't trapped and haven't made a mistake. When they try and convince others to 'settle down' they are more often trying to convince themselves that marrying and having kids was the best thing to do.

Imagine a married guy of 40. Two kids, married for 15 years, huge mortgage, hates his job etc. He is going to be thinking "My mate Bob doesn't have to pay thousands to raise his kids, he's out every night meeting hot women. He can buy a great new car and if he hates his job like I do he can just quit. My wife is always too tired for sex now. Having kids has ruined her body and the house smells of rusks and nappies. Christ, I'm trapped...ahh, but I bet Bob is lonely". While the woman is thinking the same of her single girlfriend: "She has a great career, still has her figure etc while I've put on loads of weight since having the kids, our sex life has fizzled out...yeah, but I bet that she secretly regreats not having kids"

[AxelFendersson]

Sort of. I haven't felt that there was any particular expectation of me to be in one at any particular time. Most people I know have spend long periods single and been fine with it. That seems perfectly normal to me.

But it has always seemed that I should get into relationships at some point. That being 'forever alone' I was missing out on a fundamental part of the human experience.

I've never felt that I had to be in a relationship right now, that I was scared to be alone at all. I'm fine doing things on my own or with friends. But I don't want to be single forever. I want to at least give the whole relationship thing a try, to know whether it's something that works for me. In the words of Bruce Springsteen, "I've gotta find out how it feels. I wanna know if love is wild, girl, I wanna know if love is real."

[piesJoy]

Not really.

[Ivy]

I suppose so. I'm miserable being single and alone. I need someone to love and it would be nice if they loved me back though that seems to never be the case. It's nice to imagine that someone actually cared whether I'm alive or dead.

[The_Fr33_Man]

Originally Posted by Moksha

I can 100% guarantee you that some of the loneliest and unhappiest people in your neighbourhood are in relationships. [/I]

Amen.

Originally Posted by AxelFendersson

But it has always seemed that I should get into relationships at some point. That being 'forever alone' I was missing out on a fundamental part of the human experience.

Many great minds have been single for a lifetime even celebrate, nikola tesla and ghandi to name two.

[Ceega]

I don't feel pressured to be perfectly honest.

I may be alone and miserable now but even during my two proper relationships I was utterly miserable.

I think I need to learn to love myself before I even begin to give another relationship a go.

[Duke of Prunes]

Even if I did feel pressured (which I don't), I'd still rather not be in a relationship until I'm actually capable of being in one. Even if somebody threw themselves at me, either I'd end up avoiding them or pissing them off, or they'd get bored of me after a while. I don't want to burden anyone else with my problems anyway, that'd be unfair.

[eggsarenice]

Not really, people seem to instinctively know not to bring up the subject with me (which is probably a whole other problem!) but it suits me since I have only a very muted desire for that sort of relationship.

[bluemaus]

Sort of.

I had family always going "when are you going to get a bf?" or whatever. Didn't get it from friends as much, or at least expressly. Me and my girlfriends (ergh, Americanisms) used to mope about being single and whatnot, in a sort of jokey fashion... of course when they all found partners or whatever I was left pretty much out in the cold and it seems from that perspective there was a pressure to not be alone anymore.

[AxelFendersson]

Originally Posted by The_Fr33_Man

Many great minds have been single for a lifetime even celebrate, Nikola Tesla and Ghandi to name two.

I'm a pretty clever chap, but a 'great mind' I am not. I have no religious beliefs that would lead me to chose a life of celibacy, and no great work on which to concentrate to the exclusion of all else. Denying oneself one aspect of life to better achieve greatness in others is one thing. Just missing out on something because you were too chicken to give it a go is quite another.

[GhostOnMagneticTape]

I used to when at school and in my early 20s but not so nowadays in my mid 30s, I just think f*ck it... and societies pressures, I try to think nowadays more along the lines of i n d i v i d u a l i s m.

[Olly.]

Feel a lot of pressure but admittedly only from one person, myself. I just can't handle the way I'm going, nearly 21 years of age and have absolutely zero experience with the opposite sex in terms of relationships or sex, while it seems that almost everyone else my age has bags of experience compared to me and it just gets worse and worse as I know soon even the ones I can liken myself to who are in a similar position will probably hook up with somebody as even they're more confident than me and I keep seeing myself in 10 years time having to see all my friends get married with me still stuck back here.

I agree with those who say stop living life like its a competition of course, but I just can't seem to do it any other way these days when I see everyone else in their happy couples, talking about their futures living together and starting families, while I can only see a miserable and lonely future. Its an insecurity thats taking over at the moment, I think about it everyday and I just feel so pathetic and what's worse is that with SA there's nothing I can do about it as I'm just terrified of speaking to girls let alone asking them out

What's more annoying is that in today's society, you literally cannot get away from relationships and love, its always talked about when I'm with friends, you always see numerous couples in the streets, in most films and tv shows there are relationships etc etc, its just impossible to ignore it and be able to get on with life, I know I sound incredibly bitter, jealous and pathetic but I just find it all so difficult these days, seeing people with happiness that I know I may never experience if I can't turn my life around, sorry for the rant.

[Spilt_Auras]

Originally Posted by Spilt_Auras
It's what you were born to do, so that pressure will be there both internally and externally.

Originally Posted by The_Fr33_Man

I dont think so...we definitely were born to feel attracted to the opposite sex, but the pressure is something entirely man-made.

That's an absurd suggestion considering the only reason you're here is to help carry on your genes to immortality, and looking at the number of people on the planet I'd say most people do a pretty good job of giving in to that pressure.

[Spilt_Auras]

Originally Posted by Ollyh

I agree with those who say stop living life like its a competition of course

But it objectively is a competition and that is an example of abstract thought as an attempt to defy your genes.

[Tom123]

Not at all. I wouldn't ever go out with someone for the sake of it.

[Dandelion10]

I'd rather have people ask me when I'm going to get a boyfriend rather than pity me and hide their own happiness.

I used to be proud of being single then I felt pressured at work although I didn't mind being the only singleton but people clearly felt guilty around me. Now with Darren who still won't commit I'm frustrated and want a relationship more than ever. I find myself blaming him and feeling bitter when I see couples and very weird funny things happen to my body when I see babies.

With SA I don't think it would work out anyway between me and him.

I don't believe it for a second when people say 'most couples are not totally happy you know' well they look deleriously happy to me, give them five minutes and they won't stop gushing about their boyfriends. I know which I'd rather have.

[Golz]

Pressure from myself, yes though that could probably be also relieved by a couple of good friends too, but can't say either is more likely than the other, just want some company is all really.

Pressure from family, not at all not like any of it has been mentioned that I'm single or anything like that, neither do they know my own pressure that I do want one if the right chance came along and that I do feel lonely at times.

Pressure from society, ugh it's everywhere it doesn't feel like pressure but it annoys me to no end unless my mind is 'busy' (it probably wouldn't make a difference if I didn't have the self pressure though as I can ignore the world quite well generally), but it's hard to go out, watch tv or anything without noticing something to do with relationships.

[Ajax Amsterdam]

If I was single I think the only pressure I would feel would be from myself. I really love sharing my life with a partner. I'm ok with my own company for a while, and I like my own space when in relationships too, but for me, life is for sharing.