The power in having only a few friends

[black_mamba]

When you're struggling with friendships, it's easy to fall into black and white thinking. The idea that you are either a socially inept loner or swimming in friends, and that there are no in-betweens. Clearly silly.

Of course a few extremely social people might have loads of friends, but the vast majority have just a handful. When I look around, I see that most people I know only have 2 or 3 close friends.

I read a lovely article about this recently (here) and this sentence stuck out:

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with owning up to the reality that most of us don’t have 20 people you would call in the middle of the night for help. If you think about it another way, would you want 20 people calling you?

Would I want 20 people calling me? No chance. That's an unrealistic expectation of how much free time and energy I have to give. So I think, unless you are extremely extroverted, that having few friends and really cultivating those friendships is the best scenario.

[AnathemA]

I'm getting a strong sense of déjà vu here, but the word 'friend' doesn't imply 'close friend'. Friends are just people who enjoy each other's company.

[black_mamba]

Ok then, this thread is about the power of having a few close friends.

[lonely_sock]

I agree with this. I've personally never needed or wanted a massive amount of friends. I value close emotional bonds, and I don't think human beings have the mental capacity to maintain more than a handful of very close friendships anyway.

The danger in having few friends though, is that if something goes wrong with those friendships (arguments, bereavements etc) it can feel as though the rug has been pulled from under your feet. You start questioning your role in the world because everything you felt was secure has moved. In other words, you can become dependent on those friendships for your own wellbeing.

I have one friend who I am quite close to emotionally (unfortunately I never see him as he lives abroad, but we are in contact every day). If we ever have a minor disagreement though, I feel like my world has collapsed and I cannot get my mind on anything else until the matter is resolved. It is very unhealthy. More than one friend would be ideal!!

Also, if (like me) you feel quite happy with just a few friends, this can prevent you seeking out new experiences/relationships, so opportunities for advancing your social life can be missed.

Other than that, I totally agree. Just because you don't have a friends list the length of the M1, doesn't mean you're a social failure. What matters is whether you are secure and able to function quite happily with the number of friends and closeness of bonds that you do have. IMHO.

[MLP James]

Having a small group of friends would always be the better option, all I want is one or two close friends. Having to worry about keeping lots of people happy would be so stressful. And if you're after close friends it's better to concentrate on a few people, if you try to be friends with a large group you'd never be able to get to know any one of them enough to be close friends.

[iTz0kt0Bu]

Originally Posted by AnathemA

I'm getting a strong sense of déjà vu here, but the word 'friend' doesn't imply 'close friend'. Friends are just people who enjoy each other's company.

Few friends and a fair share of accquaintances.

[AnathemA]

There's a difference, IMO. Friends are people whose company you'd purposely seek out, whereas acquaintances are people who just happen to be there.

[Lindalino]

I'm not quite convinced, is it a rationalisation of failure to wear the article as a mantle to avoid a sustained effort?

I'm sure Lao Tzu was right to say

***8220;Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.***8221;

and more than anything in the world I want to try it to see.

[PussyRiot]

I understand that it is difficult to have more than a few people in your life at any one time if you want to really give attention to them, but I always like the idea of having a group of people to 'hang out with' if you know what I mean. Not to ring me up at 3.am, but a group of people that you could meet up for a drink with on the way home from work or you know that if you are at a loose end, there are people you can ring up and meet up with. That is what I would like ideally.

[iTz0kt0Bu]

Originally Posted by AnathemA

There's a difference, IMO. Friends are people whose company you'd purposely seek out, whereas acquaintances are people who just happen to be there.

I agree there is a difference but I believe true friendships are a hit and miss so they are hard to find. I don't have much social experience though.

When it comes to something personal like friends their probably isn't a one size fits all I guess, the thread is showing it.

[black_mamba]

Originally Posted by Lindalino

I'm not quite convinced, is it a rationalisation of failure to wear the article as a mantle to avoid a sustained effort?

I'm sure Lao Tzu was right to say

“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.”

and more than anything in the world I want to try it to see.

I don't quite understand what you're saying. Care to explain?

[endo_endo]

I have one close friend and then 4 people I'd call friends but wouldn't say we were that close I enjoy talking to them but i limit the info I'm willing to trust others with because of family stuff growing up.

I'm happy with that number but I wish i could let people in more but end up getting hurt so don't much if ever

[choirgirl]

Originally Posted by smellycat

I understand that it is difficult to have more than a few people in your life at any one time if you want to really give attention to them, but I always like the idea of having a group of people to 'hang out with' if you know what I mean. Not to ring me up at 3.am, but a group of people that you could meet up for a drink with on the way home from work or you know that if you are at a loose end, there are people you can ring up and meet up with. That is what I would like ideally.

Yes, me too. I don't need the emotional connection with a whole bunch of people, but I'd like more people to hang with and do fun things. Plus knowing more people for mutual help is useful.

[black_mamba]

Originally Posted by choirgirl

Yes, me too. I don't need the emotional connection with a whole bunch of people, but I'd like more people to hang with and do fun things. Plus knowing more people for mutual help is useful.

That's fair enough. Some people want groups of friends and some don't. Whatever lifestyle you prefer depends on your personal preferences.

All I'm saying is that there are alternatives out there. Having "just" a few [good] friends is not necessarily a bad thing, contrary to what many people say and think. This thread was like a challenge to that notion.

[The_Fr33_Man]

I still dont know why people think having millions of friends is better than having a few, i always used to have a close circle. Much better than hundreds you never talk too.

[twitch]

I agree, Thefr33. You only need a handful of friends with good connections.

[ratty]

Originally Posted by Lindalino

I'm sure Lao Tzu was right to say

“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.”

Wow I like this quote Lindalino. It rings really true for me. I can feel those feelings just thinking about the situations. Thanks

[Serephina]

I used to hang around in a large group of people and they were all my friends but it was so difficult maintaining friendships and remembering to keep in contact before you both end up drifting seperate ways,I much prefer to have a small group of close friends because I can maintain that closeness which I found having so many friends lacked. Also when I was in a group of people,the people I knew for longest (some since I was little) ended up getting unintentionally pushed aside until it got to the point where I realised that we weren't that close anymore.

[ratty]

Originally Posted by biscuits

I heard somewhere that David Beckham says that he only has 3 close friends. It must be pretty tough to find people you can trust when you're world famous and everyone wants a piece of you.

Yeah, I imagine it's a nightmare. Even people you knew before you were famous might view you differently or be friendly with you because of your money/status. It must be quite a lonely world.

I think it's good, where possible, to have the option of socialising to the point you are comfortable with. For example, if you are an introvert and would only rather socialise with a couple of close friends, that's all you need. If you are an extrovert or really quite outgoing (SA is kind of irrelevant here) then you might find you are happier having lots of acquaintances and options to go out and socialise. This by far is me and I tend to make friends with lots of colleagues because work is really my only option to meet people at the moment - so I have a lot of 'friends' who I see regularly. That doesn't mean I'm out every single night or that they are all extremely close to me. I'm still terribly lonely at weekends when my friends are all doing stuff with partners, and most of them have no idea about my depression or SA or what's really going on with me.

I think it's about putting yourself in a situation that makes you happy. An example: My Mum is quite reserved and though she is sociable in the family, she is more hesitant about making loads of friends - so she only goes out one night a week but would like to see the family the rest of the time. My Dad is a social butterfly and is constantly driven to take up social opportunities and knows tons of people - literally you can go anywhere with him and be guaranteed to bump in to someone he knows who he proceeds to have a half hour chat with. When my Mum and Dad go on holiday, he's normally off chatting with anyone and everyone and my Mum is sat by the pool reading a book.

Different friends serve different purposes too. You might have people who you mix with because you do a sport together, for example. Other people you might really have some kind of intellectual connection with. Others you might just find provide valuable advice. They're probably not all the same.

There is something about close friends though - I think most people would only confide in one or two people regardless of how many friends/acquaintances they have. The last guy I was seeing had 850 friends on Facebook - all made through real life - and I think he only really confided in a handful of people.