Do you have disdain for quiet people that don't act like they're quiet?

[Tonkin]

I guess quiet isn't the right word, maybe I mean socially awkward or crap at chatting.

I know it's a bit much coming from someone with SA but do you ever have negative feelings about people who are bad at socialising but go to social events any way? Or is it just me?

I'm supposed to go to this thing on the weekend but just heard that someone I know is going who is very hard to talk to and quite boring.

I know I'll get stuck talking to him at some point and he's very hard to talk to and quite boring. But he doesn't seem to realise and still goes to things.

I guess my thing is that I know I'm not the most sociable or outgoing so I only go to things or chat to people that I know I'll be able to be socialable or outgoing with. If the conversation is drying up, I'll quickly excuse myself to save awkwardness. So when other people don't do this, I find it selfish of them.

Some people just sort of stand there, not saying anything, but not realising its time for them to move on.

It's my problem as I tend to match the "energy" of the person I'm talking to, so if I'm talking to someone quiet, I get stuck in a quiet loop. Where as if they are more outgoing or fun, then I can sort of match that level.

I guess it's a bit like if you played a team sport and crap player just kept turning up and was dragging down the team and wouldn't realise that they were making things worse for everyone else.

Am I being too harsh?

[Bored]

Is it April Fools day?

[Dougella]

Hmm, no not really. Not everyone feels uncomfortable with silence or lulls in conversation, so I guess if you're the one feeling awkward with that you can make an excuse like you say and move on.

But I am aware in general that some people do get very annoyed with people who are quiet, I've had that happen. I actually avoid situations because of that. I don't want to make people feel awkward or for people to think I'm not making an effort when infact just being there is a huge effort.

[Tonkin]

Originally Posted by Bored

Is it April Fools day?

I know it's harsh and irrational. Maybe this thread should be deleted?

Originally Posted by Dougella

Hmm, no not really. Not everyone feels uncomfortable with silence or lulls in conversation, so I guess if you're the one feeling awkward with that you can make an excuse like you say and move on.

But I am aware in general that some people do get very annoyed with people who are quiet, I've had that happen. I actually avoid situations because of that. I don't want to make people feel awkward or for people to think I'm not making an effort when infact just being there is a huge effort.

Yeah, it's a tough one. On one hand I respect people that fight through their difficulties to do something. But as I'm selfish, if them doing it comes at my expense, then I get annoyed if it's negatively affecting me.

I guess maybe I can see their awkwardness and it reminds me of my awkwardness and I don't like that!

[Dougella]

^ I wonder if this person is setting off your own SA? Maybe it's about the fear that you might be perceived as boring or socially awkward if you don't "perform" socially correctly, and this person being seen as those things makes you aware of your worst fears?

In situations like these the only thing you can control is your own actions, you can't make another person talk more or behave differently so you have to examine your own feelings to understand what's bothering you so much. The other person might enjoy talking about the things they discuss, they might not find it boring at all so that's just a difference of personality rather than them being a problem.
If they don't talk a lot but they don't seem uncomfortable with that then there's no reason for you to feel uncomfortable on their behalf.

If they're not taking an interest in others, not asking questions back to you when you talk to them then that is a little rude. But if it's not anything like that then really you just need to let them get on with being how they are, have a quick chat and then excuse yourself to talk to someone else if you feel the need to.

[Amara 94]

Boring is really subjective. I think most people find me socially boring but they don’t know me too well I think as I don’t share every aspect of myself to most people or my true thoughts.

With outgoing people are you marching there energy or it’s just easier to socialise with them? I can’t really provide much opinion on this.

There is one colleague I don’t get on with I feel. He seems to avoid me. But I also feel he is anxious but tries to hide it. He seems to get on well with the most outgoing colleagues, bosses but there is also something about him that says that he is hiding something.

Maybe it doesn’t matter but feels unpleasant when you have a conversation with a quiet person that doesn’t flow. It doesn’t flow but does that make it bad? It just feels awkward but isn’t necessarily a bad thing.

It’s kind of hard to answer because I can picture myself being seen as the boring, quiet guy. I don’t think that’s a bad thing like society portrays it as boring is subjective.

I think maybe it’s best to go about it how you think it should go as I feel I can’t tell you how you should feel social situations should be but also remember your judgement of the guy being boring is probably subjective and you may not even know him as well as you think you do.

Other people also have a different perception of social situations so they don’t necessarily have to move on as you say. And someone who is socially awkward can continue trying to socialise.

[Dougella]

^ Ah that's interesting. Yes I'm sure it does happen in all kinds of other situations, the people who bother us the most are often people who remind us of the things about ourselves that we most dislike or feel self-conscious about.

[Sunrise]

This thread seems to perfectly describe me, although I do try and make very awkward attempts at being entertaining. I'm an expert at making jokes that fall completely flat followed by a prolonged awkward silence. It's around that point that I do move on, when people are starting to look noticeably confused or irritated.

This dispels all the "it's all in your head/irrational thinking" myth. I think when mixing with others people generally want to be entertained or at least get some sort of pleasure out of the interaction. I'm naturally very dull and I'm sure lots of people I meet think that. Being social is hard when your a total charisma vacuum, but at least I'm trying?

I think most people think like this tbh. Harsh but fair.

[Tonkin]

Originally Posted by Dougella

^ I wonder if this person is setting off your own SA? Maybe it's about the fear that you might be perceived as boring or socially awkward if you don't "perform" socially correctly, and this person being seen as those things makes you aware of your worst fears?

Yes, could be. Part of it is that they're a conversational dead end. So I end up having to do a lot of the heavy lifting and getting very little in return. Eventually I run out of things to say and it gets awkward.

I guess that then makes me look bad (in my head) because I'm not talking and neither are they, which is something I am self conscious of.

I guess I'm basically the guy I don't like. He is probably more chatty when the other person is more chatty, but as we're both at the same (low) level of chattiness, it creates a void.

He's one of those people that doesn't give you anything to latch on to when chatting so you're just scratching your head what to say. Some people, when you see them, you instantly know what to say as they've told you something in the past or you know something about them.

I guess I am like that too as I rarely share any personal information so people don't have that easy intro like "hey, how's your dog after it got run over?" opener.

I guess being a good conversationalist is being able to spark up a conversation without any background knowledge of the person, without having to resort to the weather.

You're right, he's basically my shadow self and is triggering me because I see the things I don't like about myself in him

[biscuits]

Originally Posted by Tonkin

It's my problem as I tend to match the "energy" of the person I'm talking to, so if I'm talking to someone quiet, I get stuck in a quiet loop. Where as if they are more outgoing or fun, then I can sort of match that level.

Wow yes! This happens to me too. I do struggle a bit with quieter people, but I put that down to my own social skills rather than theirs. Talkative people sort of give off a light that draws me in and feel more comfortable to let my light shine.

My closest friends have always been really confident and outgoing. They take me under their wing and make me feel accepted/confident too

[Amara 94]

I don’t struggle with quiet people I think. But I struggle with certain people that I feel guilty about it.

[Tonkin]

Originally Posted by biscuits

My closest friends have always been really confident and outgoing.

Yes, me too. I think it just works better for me when one person is a big chatter.

Although I do feel like a bit of sidekick at times. But I have had best friends who weren't that "loud" or whatever you want to call it, but I think in this situations, there was a deeper connection, or needed to be a deeper connection for it to work.

I think being confident and outgoing can paper over a lot of areas that might be lacking in situations. Like you might not have much in common with someone, but if they are really talkative and outgoing, you can still get on with them well.

I guess you see in it other areas, like if someone is confident and outgoing, their shortcomings are sometimes overlooked because they are good value or whatever. Boris Johnson could be an extreme example of that

[Marco]

That’s interesting about perceiving and being annoyed (or made very uncomfortable) by our ‘shadow self’ in others. I can relate to that for sure. In social situations I do prefer to be among extroverts who tend to make me feel comfortable by happily hogging the limelight. I might struggle to get a word in edgeways, but at least there’s much less danger of awkward silences or feeling obliged to contribute more to the occasion. When I can just be a bystander without feeling like a dumbstruck wallflower, I can (almost) enjoy myself. In fact easygoing extroverts can bring out the talkative side in me, which you'll rarely see when I'm engaged with a fellow introvert.

[limey123]

Originally Posted by Marco

That’s interesting about perceiving and being annoyed (or made very uncomfortable) by our ‘shadow self’ in others.

Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.
--Carl Jung

(Furthermore, next time I overhear someone bitching about me, I'm gonna hit them with the above quote).

[scarlettgirl]

i don't particularly struggle with quiet people. in fact, if i gather that they are just quiet, it seems to take the pressure off me to do the conversation heavy lifting and we can just be quiet together.
however, im also one of these people who will 'match' a person's mood often one on one. so i'll perk up a bit with a chatty person. But I wouldn't be able to hold that mood all day. its draining, as an introverted person.