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  #91  
Old 1st May 2021, 18:59
Orwell20 Orwell20 is offline
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Default Re: Do you ever worry that you'll regret not having kids?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ben1981
Pretty sure I will regret it the older I get but I know now its unlikely to happen and probably for the best as I'm not wired up to be a parent. Up until recently I was fine with that although my Dad passed away in February following a nasty fall that broke his hip last June which lead to several operations, infections, various attempts to get him home and then heading back to Hospital to repeat the process until finally his body gave up on him. Throughout his time on the various wards I was constantly visiting him and trying to keep his spirits up telling him everything will be ok in the end and promising all the good things we can do once he is better. And when he was finally at the end I was there by his side to watch him take his final breath . Putting myself in his position without the supportive kid(s) trying to help me through a situation like that it would be better if I just went quick cos I would have gone through a lonely miserable ordeal that had no incentive of coming through the other end. But yeah even without something like this happening I will still end up being lonely and full of regrets when I am old and likely leading an isolated existence although my intention is not to make it that far. Once I feel I am drifting towards that situation when I'm not really living just existing then not much point carrying on.
That's so sad. Sorry for your loss Ben. I'm in a similar position – my mother broke her pelvis last year, and I picked her up from the hospital and looked after her at home. The NHS weren't that great tbh. She was pretty much kicked out the door with a bottle of painkillers. I don't know how the hell I got her indoors as she could barely walk.

When it's my turn, there will be no one. It terrifies me, so I try to blank it out. The thought of being 75 and having to book a taxi to take me into hospital for a cancer operation, or being bed bound at home with no one in the world who cares whether I live or die, is horrific. The sensible thing would be to down a bottle of pills and end it all, but I know I'll never have the courage to do that.

The dreadful thing about old age, illness and death is how long it takes. When I think of my poor grandparents, it sends a shiver through me. Their suffering went on for years. Even with a loving family to support you, it's tough. But to spend your final years house bound, frightened, in pain and alone must be horrendous. I've seen enough of human nature to know I never want to be dependent on the 'kindness' of strangers.

Still, I'm glad I never brought a child into this horrible world.
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  #92  
Old 5th May 2021, 20:16
Toxic Toxic is offline
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Default Re: Do you ever worry that you'll regret not having kids?

Sorry to hear about your Dad, Ben

Quote:
Originally Posted by Orwell20
That's so sad. Sorry for your loss Ben. I'm in a similar position – my mother broke her pelvis last year, and I picked her up from the hospital and looked after her at home. The NHS weren't that great tbh. She was pretty much kicked out the door with a bottle of painkillers. I don't know how the hell I got her indoors as she could barely walk.

When it's my turn, there will be no one. It terrifies me, so I try to blank it out. The thought of being 75 and having to book a taxi to take me into hospital for a cancer operation, or being bed bound at home with no one in the world who cares whether I live or die, is horrific. The sensible thing would be to down a bottle of pills and end it all, but I know I'll never have the courage to do that.

Thats quite a grim read, I can relate a lot.

My Mum has MS and broke her ankle last year, the way they dealt with her was rather poor, she can barely get into her wheelchair with 2 working legs on a good day. I spent a while trying to find where they had dumped all her stuff and shuffling her into the chair just to get her out the place after the operation.

My parents are nearly 70 and due to various medical issues may not be around anywhere near as much as I'd like them to be. I try not to think of the future once they are gone as that will be it, there will be no one left to give a damn, no real remaining family members/no siblings/no partner/no kids. I'm going to end up one of them weird old blokes who ends up dropping dead and no one will notice till the neighbours get miffed at the smell

I've never wanted kids, and I know having kids doesn't guarantee you will end up being looked after when your falling apart. but when you start dealing with your own mortality, well even a possibility of something sounds better than being completely alone rotting away
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  #93  
Old 13th May 2021, 09:45
Bored Bored is offline
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Default Re: Do you ever worry that you'll regret not having kids?

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  #94  
Old 13th May 2021, 10:42
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Default Re: Do you ever worry that you'll regret not having kids?

i wouldnt mind being an unsuccessful millionaire
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  #95  
Old 2nd July 2021, 13:55
Dougella Dougella is offline
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Default Re: Do you ever worry that you'll regret not having kids?

https://inews.co.uk/inews-lifestyle/...H-_w9hO70XiWYA

"I sometimes regret having children - most parents do but are scared to admit it."

This young woman regrets the fact that she had children very young as she came from a very religious background and got married at 17 and had her first child at 18. The marriage broke down after 3 years and she has since left the religion and doesn't have contact with her family.

In research published this week 83% of parents said they never regretted having children, 8% said they regretted having children and 6% said they previously had regrets but don't now.
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  #96  
Old 2nd July 2021, 17:59
Dougella Dougella is offline
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Default Re: Do you ever worry that you'll regret not having kids?

^ Interesting. I know that some people who decide not to have children do give morally related reasons for it, like the planet already being over populated, worries about the climate crisis and what future generations will have to cope with and also the parent not wanting to pass on mental illness or affect the child negatively with their own mental health problems. Some of those things factor in to my decision.

The question of it being wrong to have children at all because bringing them into existence means they will inevitably suffer is a big one, although some people here have mentioned it.
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  #97  
Old 9th July 2021, 17:20
Orwell20 Orwell20 is offline
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Default Re: Do you ever worry that you'll regret not having kids?

^^ It's always seemed kind of obvious to me that most people are better off never being born. Maybe I'm just a negative person who's had an unhappy life (both true), but I just can't see it any other way. Yes, life has it's good bits, no question. But there is SO much horror and pain, and it ends in such a ghastly way, that inflicting it on anything, including an animal, has always seemed wicked to me.
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  #98  
Old 9th July 2021, 17:35
Orwell20 Orwell20 is offline
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Default Re: Do you ever worry that you'll regret not having kids?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dougella
https://inews.co.uk/inews-lifestyle/...H-_w9hO70XiWYA

"I sometimes regret having children - most parents do but are scared to admit it."
I completely agree with this. I suspect that many people regret having kids and hate being a parent. They love them, and would often die for them, but that's not the same as enjoying being a parent. I remember Diane Morgan (the woman who plays Philomena Clunk) saying that her friends had put her off having kids. She said that after a few glasses of wine, almost all of them urged her not to, and said that it was much harder than they thought it was going to be.

Personally, the following puts me off:

- Children are 100% selfish, and so are teenagers
- Having kids is incredibly expensive
- The massive strain on your marriage. I've heard it said that at least half of relationships never fully recover. They may stick together, but all the love and sex and fun and romance has gone.
- You never know what you're gonna get. Genetics plays a massive role in how your kids turn out. Having a child with severe autism or ME or whatever must be so hard.
- You can't control the world. The world is such a dangerous, scary place, and there are so many evil ****s out there, that the list of bad things that could happen to your children is staggeringly long. You can't protect them forever. They could be bullied or raped or stabbed or develop leukemia or get hit by a car...and so on.
- No control over who they will marry. How do you cope when your beloved daughter marries an arrogant ar**hole who treats her badly?
- The coming climate apocalypse.
- The fear that they'l inherit some of my mental health problems.
- Just not wanting the flat covered in plastic toys. Not wanting the smells and noise. Not wanting to go to the park or the plastic ball pit or take them to parties or meet their friend's parents, etc.
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  #99  
Old 9th July 2021, 17:37
Dougella Dougella is offline
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Default Re: Do you ever worry that you'll regret not having kids?

^^ I have noticed that people who are sensitive and have been through very difficult things (and particularly if they've suffered with depression) tend to have the view that it would have been better if they hadn't been born and also they don't want to bring a child into the world and them potentially go through similar things.
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  #100  
Old 9th July 2021, 17:39
Dougella Dougella is offline
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Default Re: Do you ever worry that you'll regret not having kids?

^^ I'm always amazed when people say having children was harder than they thought it would be, I've always assumed it would be really hard!
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  #101  
Old 12th July 2021, 17:04
Moksha Moksha is offline
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Default Re: Do you ever worry that you'll regret not having kids?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dougella
^^ I'm always amazed when people say having children was harder than they thought it would be, I've always assumed it would be really hard!
I think they mean even harder than that!
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  #102  
Old 12th July 2021, 17:35
anxiouslondoner anxiouslondoner is offline
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Default Re: Do you ever worry that you'll regret not having kids?

^ heh, my sister was trying to leave me a voice message about something and she can't even do that without my little nephew constantly distracting her about something else and demanding attention. It sounds ridiculously tough! Especially since they are in Spain and also have to deal with lots of bureaucracy in a foreign language.
He is utterly adorably cute though, so I'm sure that helps make up for it.
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  #103  
Old 12th July 2021, 18:20
Counterpoint Counterpoint is offline
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Default Re: Do you ever worry that you'll regret not having kids?

I worry about this, a lot now I am in my 40s! Kids are so positive and crazy it must be fun to be in proximity with all that life force all the time, although I know it's also highly challenging being a parent, especially today, so I shouldn't glamorise it, but I bet there are many wonderful things about having kids that must also force you to grown up too.
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  #104  
Old 12th July 2021, 19:00
Dougella Dougella is offline
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Default Re: Do you ever worry that you'll regret not having kids?

Quote:
Originally Posted by anxiouslondoner
^ heh, my sister was trying to leave me a voice message about something and she can't even do that without my little nephew constantly distracting her about something else and demanding attention. It sounds ridiculously tough! Especially since they are in Spain and also have to deal with lots of bureaucracy in a foreign language.
He is utterly adorably cute though, so I'm sure that helps make up for it.
I've always thought that there's a reason why nature (or whatever) causes parents to love their children so strongly, because if they didn't there would be a lot of kids being dropped off on orphanage steps in the first four years of life (I know orphanages don't really exist anymore!)
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  #105  
Old 12th July 2021, 20:42
Counterpoint Counterpoint is offline
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Default Re: Do you ever worry that you'll regret not having kids?

^

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  #106  
Old 12th July 2021, 22:50
Counterpoint Counterpoint is offline
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Default Re: Do you ever worry that you'll regret not having kids?

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  #107  
Old 13th July 2021, 23:48
Bored Bored is offline
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Default Re: Do you ever worry that you'll regret not having kids?

https://www.independent.co.uk/life-s...-b1881705.html

what about the people who have no children do they get an award too?
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  #108  
Old 14th July 2021, 00:15
anxiouslondoner anxiouslondoner is offline
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Default Re: Do you ever worry that you'll regret not having kids?

^ did they fly over in their private jet to collect this environmental award, I wonder?
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  #109  
Old 8th August 2021, 14:22
Dougella Dougella is offline
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Default Re: Do you ever worry that you'll regret not having kids?

"Mothers who regret having children."

https://www.marieclaire.com/culture/...Z-fIjEaHOey-4U
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  #110  
Old 8th August 2021, 17:34
Indigo_ Indigo_ is offline
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Default Re: Do you ever worry that you'll regret not having kids?

I don't regret having my daughter but I won't be having any more.
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  #111  
Old 8th August 2021, 23:13
Dougella Dougella is offline
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Default Re: Do you ever worry that you'll regret not having kids?

^ Is that anything to do with the whole experience of having your daughter? Or you've just decided to stop at one? (You don't have to answer if it's too personal!)
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  #112  
Old 9th August 2021, 09:00
Jen. Jen. is offline
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Default Re: Do you ever worry that you'll regret not having kids?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dougella
"Mothers who regret having children."

https://www.marieclaire.com/culture/...Z-fIjEaHOey-4U
This was an interesting read.

It seems slightly more common to hear about this now than it used to, but I understand why people are hesitant to talk about it. I imagine googling your parents as a teenager and finding they'd been talking publicly about wishing you'd never been born might cause some upset/issues.
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  #113  
Old 9th August 2021, 09:18
Dougella Dougella is offline
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Default Re: Do you ever worry that you'll regret not having kids?

^ Yeah, although I imagine most people choose to stay anonymous in articles like this or change their name, and when they post online about it. The thing is parents who regret having their children tend to let them know about it anyway, whether directly or indirectly!
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  #114  
Old 9th August 2021, 09:20
Indigo_ Indigo_ is offline
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Default Re: Do you ever worry that you'll regret not having kids?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dougella
^ Is that anything to do with the whole experience of having your daughter? Or you've just decided to stop at one? (You don't have to answer if it's too personal!)
I think I only wanted one anyway but this has cemented it for me There's financial reasons too, our ages, my partner's health, etc. It's very hard work, which I knew, but night after night of getting up every 90 mins - 2 hours to resettle your child takes its toll
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  #115  
Old 9th August 2021, 09:25
Dougella Dougella is offline
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Default Re: Do you ever worry that you'll regret not having kids?

^ That makes sense. Yes when i've heard about what looking after a newborn actually involves I can see why rich people employ night nurses
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  #116  
Old 9th August 2021, 14:24
Dougella Dougella is offline
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Default Re: Do you ever worry that you'll regret not having kids?

^ Why is my name changed to hjg, what does that stand for?!

You've obviously never had a parent say it openly to you then, even when it's a joke it hurts. Also when a parent sort of checks out and doesn't want to spend any time with you before you've reached adulthood you start getting the feeling that they don't like you or they've had enough of parenting quite frankly (this is my experience anyway).

I think you're right though that the vast majority of parents love their children, even if they regret having them or regret the circumstances in which they had them.

The question of whether it's cruel to have children at all is a big question. But if everyone stopped tomorrow and the whole of the human race died out gradually there would be a few humans that would be left until last on the planet and that would be extremely emotionally painful for them I imagine.
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  #117  
Old 9th August 2021, 14:27
Moksha Moksha is offline
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Default Re: Do you ever worry that you'll regret not having kids?

^^ I suspect that's true. My gut feeling is that a LOT of people regret having children, and that the majority find it much harder than expected. Obviously it's impossible to put a number to it, but I'd guesstimate around a third of people secretly wish they hadn't had their kids. It's definitely a taboo. And not only do people not admit it to their family and friends, they often won't admit it to themselves - it's a dark thought that they violently repress.

Have you ever noticed the way parents try and persuade others to have kids? Jack Dee did a good routine about this, and I've heard others say the same. In the majority of cases, it's because they find raising children exhausting and expensive. Often, it ruins their health, their marriage, their sex life, their career, their finances and their mental health. They don't want their friends enjoying the career and money and sex that they've lost.
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  #118  
Old 9th August 2021, 14:34
Moksha Moksha is offline
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Default Re: Do you ever worry that you'll regret not having kids?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dougella

I think you're right though that the vast majority of parents love their children, even if they regret having them or regret the circumstances in which they had them.
I think this is the key point. Just because you regret having kids doesn't mean you don't love them. A lot of people love their children, would even die for them, but still hate being parents.

Another thing we forget is how terrifying it must be to have kids. The news headlines today are pretty scary. Climate change seems to be speeding up, and things look worse than we thought. Imagine what it must be like for a pregnant woman, or the parents of a three year old, to watch tonight's headlines.
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  #119  
Old 9th August 2021, 20:18
Chess&Junkfood Chess&Junkfood is offline
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Default Re: Do you ever worry that you'll regret not having kids?

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury!


I mean....


The Thread!


My name is Chess&Junkfood and I would like to represent The Devil, Possibly


In an unofficial capacity, I might add.


*paces the thread*


I would like to start off by saying that my client is a fine and outstanding member of this forum. I would also like to state for the record, that what's in his cranium, is second to none! Where his mind is like a sports car. A Ferrari, even! Which contains a mighty engine! Now let us delve even further. His gear stick for example. Which I might add is.....


I do believe a recess is in order....


Dougella?


Can I have a quick chat with you, please?


I'm 10 minutes into this post, and truth be told, it's not going as well as it should be. I would start over again, but what with already investing 10 minutes, it just seems a shame to waste those minutes. Anyway, I better get back. Oh! And the context of this post is based on me wanting to be a lawyer for a bit. Although I did have plans on putting my name on one of those lawyer gowns. But I thought that might be a bit too much. Anyway, I better get back



Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury


I mean....


The Thread!


I would now like to draw your attention to the heart of the matter. The nuts and bolts of the case. The main chunk of cheese to it all! Which is the 3 letters that my client had made earlier. Now I can only speculate as to what my client was trying to convey with those letters.


*paces the thread*


My first thought is that my client was trying to respect the privacy of the wonderful, and incredibly delightful, Dougella.

And in doing so, picked at random, any letters that represented Dougella's post


*paces the thread*


That being said!


I would also like to play devils advocate for my fantastic client, The Devil, Probably. Mainly, as I feel these letters are able to stand up to any scrutiny that I scrutinise it with. Or something like that:


Exhibit One:


Helpful Joyful Great


Which I think is a strong contender! A description that I feel matches Dougella very well!


Exhibit Two:


Horticultural Jasmine Garden


Another possible contender. Where my client could have been trying to convey how lovely and wonderful Dougella actually is!


Exhibit Three:


Huge Jugs Galore


Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury!


I mean....


The Thread!


Given the recent developments in this case, I don't feel like I am able to effectively represent my client right now!


Dougella?


The Devil, Probably?


Can I have a quick chat please?


As I was saying to Dougella earlier, TD,P. I had already invested a certain amount of time on this post. And what with investing even more time on this post. It just seems a shame to waste that time. So hopefully you won't mind that I wanted to be a lawyer for a bit. And as I was saying to Dougella earlier, I have already shelved the costumes and the props for this post. Which to be truthful, is a shame. As I had my heart set on having a powdered wig. Anyway, I think it's time that I make my exit. And I want both of you to know that my intention was to type a post that had more substance to it. But what with investing that time I mentioned earlier, I just found it difficult to transition into that substance. Anyway, the sugar is definitely starting to wear off
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  #120  
Old 9th August 2021, 20:24
Dougella Dougella is offline
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Default Re: Do you ever worry that you'll regret not having kids?

^ You really should be a lawyer you know!

I think I like Horticultural Jasmine Garden, so I will assume that was what TDP meant to refer to me as. Although as you point out they might just be random letters to give me anonymity, which is also ok too.
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