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  #1  
Old 19th May 2021, 17:25
Marie8 Marie8 is offline
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Default Really bad at talking

I don’t think I’ll ever get any better at talking and communicating with people and it gets me down and feel so frustrated. I’ve always struggled to express myself and put my thoughts into words and have a hard time explaining things. I forget words all the time and often end up rambling on not making much sense. I’m better writing it down as I have time to think, but this still takes me ages and is very frustrating. This happens with anyone, it’s worse when I’m anxious but it happens a lot of the time when I talk to family. I’m also not very good at talking in a ‘chatty’ style, I’m quite formal when I talk and not very good at using slang, sayings, making jokes etc. I come across so bland and boring, people have said things like this to me in the past. I do read quite a lot and watch comedy tv shows but I’m still pretty hopeless with language and being funny. Does anyone else experience this and any advice how I could improve?
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  #2  
Old 19th May 2021, 17:41
Tonkin Tonkin is offline
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Default Re: Really bad at talking

I think people often recommend improv classes for this sort of thing but I'm not sure I could do it!
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  #3  
Old 19th May 2021, 18:25
firemonkey firemonkey is offline
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Default Re: Really bad at talking

There's a wide gap between my verbal ability and how I am when it comes to social communication.
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  #4  
Old 19th May 2021, 19:09
Marie8 Marie8 is offline
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Default Re: Really bad at talking

I don’t think I’d be any good at improv, I’m useless at thinking quickly on my feet! But I probably do need to push myself out of my comfort zone. There seem to be a number of improv classes online at the mo, maybe I could do that as it’s not physically in person so I don’t think I’d feel as bad if I embarrassed myself.. but I don’t know.. perhaps with a drink or two I could do it..
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Old 19th May 2021, 19:51
biscuits biscuits is offline
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Default Re: Really bad at talking

^ oh cool! Where did you hear about these classes? They sound like fun. If you ever wanted someone familiar there, I'd be interested. (No pressure though )

Being able to laugh at yourself and make a fool of yourself in front of others and find that enjoyable can be really useful in building up confidence. But of course some people don't like that at all, and that's okay.
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  #6  
Old 19th May 2021, 19:59
Tembo Tembo is offline
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Default Re: Really bad at talking

This is something that puzzles me. I’m intelligent, do lots of interesting things and watch and read a lot, listen to an eclectic mix of music. I think I’m an interesting person (this is a very rare moment of me being positive about myself). But when I’m with other people, unless I know them incredibly well, I can’t think of anything interesting to say. I can’t remember any tv/film I’ve watched recently, music I’ve listened to, things I’ve read. I simply can’t do spontaneous conversation, which means I hardly say a word at work. For example, someone started talking about one of my favourite bands at work - I could have joined the conversation but I genuinely couldn’t think of anything I could say.. I feel like it’s not so much anxiety, but feels like my brain can’t get into gear. This is one of the reasons I think I’m on the spectrum.

It’s very frustrating. I think I’d have more friends and have a better job (and even one of those relationship things that people have) if I could actually communicate like a human.

Pushing myself out of my comfort zone would help, and I’d recommend it. I did used to do Meetup groups but haven’t been to one for 18 months which doesn’t help.
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  #7  
Old 20th May 2021, 10:20
Tonkin Tonkin is offline
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Default Re: Really bad at talking

I think is a good book about the benefits of improv. I heard her on a podcast recently and she said how they/she does improv classes for shy people. Might be worth a read to see if it's for you:
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Improv-Your.../dp/1529344859

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tembo
I feel like it’s not so much anxiety, but feels like my brain can’t get into gear.
I can relate to this. All day I'm thinking in my head about stuff. It's stuff that I could probably talk to people about. So it's not like I have noting to day. But when I come into contact with people, my mind goes blank.

I think it is anxiety though. Although I don't have any typical or stereotypical symptoms of anxiety, I think mind blank is one. Sort of like the flight, fright, freeze response.

The anxiety is strong enough to prevent me from thinking on my feet or on the fly but not enough to cause the shakes, sweating, panic attacks etc. Although higher stakes situations, like a presentation or job interview could elicit more a extreme response.
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  #8  
Old 20th May 2021, 10:23
Amara 94 Amara 94 is offline
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Default Re: Really bad at talking

Quote:
Originally Posted by Marie8
I don’t think I’ll ever get any better at talking and communicating with people and it gets me down and feel so frustrated. I’ve always struggled to express myself and put my thoughts into words and have a hard time explaining things. I forget words all the time and often end up rambling on not making much sense. I’m better writing it down as I have time to think, but this still takes me ages and is very frustrating. This happens with anyone, it’s worse when I’m anxious but it happens a lot of the time when I talk to family. I’m also not very good at talking in a ‘chatty’ style, I’m quite formal when I talk and not very good at using slang, sayings, making jokes etc. I come across so bland and boring, people have said things like this to me in the past. I do read quite a lot and watch comedy tv shows but I’m still pretty hopeless with language and being funny. Does anyone else experience this and any advice how I could improve?
You should try king speakers toastmasters. There are people with severe stuttering issues who still try to talk. It kind of reminds me I can improve at talking. Also they look completely normal, smart etc. I think when we have a disability or problem, without support and social stigma, it becomes easy to think that the disability makes us less than others or come across as unintelligent.
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  #9  
Old 20th May 2021, 10:26
Coffee Coffee is offline
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Default Re: Really bad at talking

The name of the game is realising how low the bar for normal conversation between non anxious people really is.

Anxiety means self esteem issues, self consciousness, and over analysis. The brain will fill with fear and with all that cortisol and adrenaline going on we can be forgiven for finding it hard to think straight.

I’d recommend just sitting in a busy coffee shop quietly and paying attention to how basic most conversations really are. Most of it is just sitting and listening, it’s not even really about us as such.

Yet anxiety has us all convinced we have to be Stephen Fry to avoid judgement. It’s not true.
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  #10  
Old 20th May 2021, 10:32
6941 6941 is offline
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Default Re: Really bad at talking

Above so true!
I am terrible I don't stutter but I kind of slur/jumble my words so I end up saying things wrong. I used to be really self conscious about it but I just keep going now if I say a word wrong I just carry on talking. I'm sure people notice but no one has ever said anything. Just keep going it's the only way you can practice. You can't come out with amazing show stopper jokes and conversation everytime. If you listen to other people talking alot of the time they are quite boring tbh. It's normal I think.
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  #11  
Old 21st May 2021, 00:59
Marie8 Marie8 is offline
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Default Re: Really bad at talking

Biscuits - thanks for offering that's really nice of you just not sure if I could lol but hopefully one day when I can get my anxiety better under control! The one I was looking at is Liverpool comedy improv - https://www.liverpoolcomedyimprov.co.uk/

I can relate to that Tembo, I forget things I watched on tv, or read or music I listened to. I don't really have a favourite type of music/artist or film etc. as I always forget them! It really baffles me how people remember quotes and lines from books and tv/film. I also find it really difficult to contribute to conversations about things I like and enjoy. I've always felt it's more than SA, think my brain is just really slow at processing as it usually takes me longer to understand things (I get there in the end but usually too late!). My head is always so jumbled up.
That's really good you were stepping out of your comfort zone with the meetup groups but not great not being able to do it due to covid. Do you mean meetup groups arranged on here or are they ones you found in your area?

((Sorry, this may not be worded the best, I just wrote it quickly trying not to think too much about it! It always takes me ages to write posts so I just did it quickly to challenge myself haha - I have a habit of doing that, apologising about eveything!))
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  #12  
Old 21st May 2021, 01:14
Marie8 Marie8 is offline
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Default Re: Really bad at talking

I think mostly in images too GirlAfraid. I also think in feelings, don't really know how to describe it but I do wish I could hand over my mental images and feelings so people could really understand what I really mean. I've always been like this and got called names at school (stupid, dosy, gullible, away with the fairies to name a few) this was by bullies, friends and a particular friend's parent which was lovely! I wanted to put all this behind me but I've been called these kind of names as an adult too, mainly in the workplace. It gets me down knowing so many people have thought of me in this way over the years but I always just try and laugh it off and forget about it. I know I am not stupid but I don't know how to show them I'm not, it seems the more I try the more I fail! I just need to keep reminding myself that it doesn't matter what these type of people think and say, I know I am a good person and they obviously have their own issues and are probably trying to make themselves feel better or something, or they are just plain nasty.
I'm no good in groups either but I also dislike one to ones. If I'm with people I know, I prefer it to be myself and two other people (such as me, my mum and auntie) as I feel more comfortable just listening and can chip in here and there and let the other two lead the conversation. I can only do this with people I'm comfortable with though.

I'd like to start sitting in cafes and parks again and just observe people. I did do this sometimes in the past but it's so long ago I can't really remember, I think a lot of conversations did seem rather basic. It's definitely very true that I over analyse everything due to anxiety and it's caused me to have low self esteem, I just find it so hard to break the anxious cycle.
I've started paying extra attention to tv shows and pausing them and making notes of words, phrases and jokes. I sometimes watch English videos on youtube as they have some useful vocab and phrases. Hopefully if I keep doing this it might help me a bit.

Thanks for letting me know about the improv book Tonkin will check that out

Thanks amara definitely interested in the toastmasters kingspeakers and It's great they have the guest option where you can watch and don't have to say anything. If I did take part in speaking I know I would be very nervous, but think I really do need to bite the bullet and push myself out of my comfort zone. It looks like they do it online at the moment so think I'd feel more comfortable doing it that way than in person. I live nowhere near London anyway!
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  #13  
Old 21st May 2021, 10:08
Tonkin Tonkin is offline
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Default Re: Really bad at talking

I think with a lot of the small talk conversations, people usually know something about the other person that they ask them about. Like what "happened about your flat tire last week" or something banal like that.

They don't care but it's used to spark the conversation.

I get a sense that because I don't tell people much about myself, they don't have many of those things to spark a conversation with.

I think that's why it's good to have interests or hobbies as it gives other people something to ask you about.
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  #14  
Old 21st May 2021, 11:16
Tembo Tembo is offline
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Default Re: Really bad at talking

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tonkin
I can relate to this. All day I'm thinking in my head about stuff. It's stuff that I could probably talk to people about. So it's not like I have noting to day. But when I come into contact with people, my mind goes blank.

I think it is anxiety though. Although I don't have any typical or stereotypical symptoms of anxiety, I think mind blank is one. Sort of like the flight, fright, freeze response.

h
Yes this is what it’s mostly like for me to. I’m always thinking of stuff, but probably looks like my mind is just blank, which I don’t want people to think.

You’re probably right that is anxiety. Maybe I’m so used to it, it no longer feels like anxiety. Something deep rooted I guess.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Marie8
I can relate to that Tembo, I forget things I watched on tv, or read or music I listened to. I don't really have a favourite type of music/artist or film etc. as I always forget them! It really baffles me how people remember quotes and lines from books and tv/film. I also find it really difficult to contribute to conversations about things I like and enjoy. I've always felt it's more than SA, think my brain is just really slow at processing as it usually takes me longer to understand things (I get there in the end but usually too late!). My head is always so jumbled up.
That's really good you were stepping out of your comfort zone with the meetup groups but not great not being able to do it due to covid. Do you mean meetup groups arranged on here or are they ones you found in your area?
)
By Meetup I mean Meetup.com, which sadly appears to have lost popularity in recent years in my area, but who knows there may be some good stuff in your local area! I have been to some great London SAUK meetups as well.

Your post makes perfect sense to me btw!
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  #15  
Old 21st May 2021, 11:52
Formershyguy Formershyguy is offline
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Default Re: Really bad at talking

Improv classes sound helpful but I understand they might not feel comfortable if you have anxiety. I remember when I was seeing my therapist he suggested I read a book called 'The Artist's Way' By Julia Cameron as it can help unblock your mind especially if you're a writer with Writer's block but can help you too.

Also with regards to improv I think you can try this on your own with a stopwatch. Take a random object or subject and talk about it for 1 minute. You can also just find some pictures in magazines and talk about what's going on in the pictures for 1 minute too.

What else are you doing to combat your anxiety? I like to meditate, watch ASMR videos, breathing techniques, visualising, just doing stuff I find fun.

You're not bad at talking, you just need more practice. Its a skill you can learn.
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