How much grief is too much?

[limey123]

Wasn't sure how else to title this thread. Just wondering how much psychological distress you'd take in your job before you started looking elsewhere?

In the last months, I've gone from working from home for 20 years (can you say "comfort zone" and doing it all via e-mail) to working in a large, open-plan office with dozens and dozens of other people. It's a temp agency job.
It's forcing me to re-evalute my SA in some ways, and boosting my confidence, but in other ways it's damaging my psyche and I'll explain why.

On the first day there, I noticed the guy sent to collect me from reception wasn't especially friendly and seemed to resent this task. On the second day he was actually quite gruff and ordered me "you! Get up those stairs", while he took the lift. On the third (or maybe it was the fourth) day, I clearly heard him burst into the managers' office exclaiming "Twaaaaaattt!!!!" after he'd collected me. I thought these things were strange, and a bit disconcerting, but I remained stoical and didn't seek to challenge him in his behaviour. In fact, I acted as if nothing had happened and kept being nice to him. A bit after the office incident, he started being (a bit) nicer to me and I think the manager had told him to tone down his rhetoric.
Besides, I'm used to people's extreme reactions to me: I get to hear most times I go somewhere in public that my appearance is considered unacceptable by many people. A shame, but not much I can do about my physical body, it is the way it is.

Anyway, since then, at work I've experienced other hostilty. Several clear cases of colleagues muttering things under their breath (but audible) about how I look. Not nice things. Annoying, but I've ignored them. But also there has been one colleague who has been openly hostile and actually told me to "f**k off" to my face (not loudly but audibly) and I was so surprised and didn't want to escalate things that I just walked away from her. This person is only half my age but has made it clear she really dislikes me. She is apparently popular (a clique leader as well) and that makes the pressure worse. It's like this person in their early 20s is trying to terrorize me, approaching 50. She blatantly has no respect for my personal space, either.

There have been some other incidents of a few colleagues saying nasty things similar to the above.

Now, I don't have the world's thickest skin. So far, I've tried to ignore these various incidents, but when you get the feeling day after day some people really dislike you, it can play on your psyche a bit. Combine that with tedious, repetitive tasks with little variety and you start to dread the daily grind. I mentioned in another thread that the bosses don't like me either, as we have zero rapport, so I couldn't approach them even if I wanted to. An added annoyance factor.

The above all being said, there are clearly people there who do like my company and can overlook my appearance, too. I have some allies. But is it enough when you feel awkward and sticking out like a sore thumb every day. The longer the job has gone on, the more I have retreated into my shell, as I felt targetted by some no matter how nice or friendly I was.

I have over a month of my contract left but every day it's starting to feel like a small, unpleasant mountain to climb. I feel like I have achieved so much, but at the same time, I feel conspicious and haunted by old demons, ones which refuse so far to go away.

What would you guys do? Would you be looking around for another position now? Or would you try to tough out the remaining weeks? Based on the thinking that it's not me, it's them, and I have to make a stand some time and face and manage these problems, unfair as they may seem, or I never will.

Thanks for your thoughts!

[biscuits]

As soon as I feel like "I do not want to be here" then I would look for another job.

I can't cope with being in places that I don't want to be. We spend a lot of time at work. You want it to be at worst semi-enjoyable. If you don't like the people or the actual job then it can really get you down. It's within our control to find a kind work environment. You deserve to be in a place where you feel respected as a human being.

[biscuits]

Sorry rambling there. Yes. Absolutely yes, find a better place to work!

[Clumsy*]

So sorry you've been going through this, Limey. It's absolute appalling bullying.

I would have died on day 2, so I think you've been incredibly brave to have carried on so far.

For the sake of your mental health, it's clearly best for you to look for something else and leave, but I don't know the implications in regard to references, etc.? Would that be troublesome for applying to the next job. I've not got enough experience of the working world to give you any helpful advice.

If you do find something else before the end of your contract, then it is a no brainer, you should leave.
But if leaving early harms your future chances of getting another job? I don't know, just thinking as I type.

But I hope you can get out of there as soon as possible. You don't deserve any of this.

The National Bullying Helpline might be of help?
https://www.nationalbullyinghelpline...employees.html

[Consolida]

Originally Posted by limey123

What would you guys do? Would you be looking around for another position now? Or would you try to tough out the remaining weeks? Based on the thinking that it's not me, it's them, and I have to make a stand some time and face and manage these problems, unfair as they may seem, or I never will.

Thanks for your thoughts!

What would I do? I would have left that place after the first day!!
You must have a tougher skin than mine because I would have burst into tears the moment that guy rudely ordered me to use the stairs, then gone home never to return! I'm shocked that, in this day and age, people can still get away with treating a colleague so appallingly. It sounds like outright bullying to me. Also, why an earth would they be so critical and unkind about your physical appearance. How old are these awful people? 5?

As Biscuit says, you spend a big percentage of your time at work so if you're dreading going in because of such vile people plus the job itself is tedious and mundane then I'd say start immediately searching for a new job with hopefully kinder workmates.

As you've said yourself, this job has forced you out of your comfort zone of always working from home and in a lot of ways has helped you to challenge your social anxiety so if you leave it's not due to fear or avoidance but because you refuse to tolerate other people's disgusting behaviour.

I think you should feel proud of yourself for lasting as long as you have Limey

[Mellie]

Sorry you are going through this limey13, I was getting problems like that in a job for a year from my supervisor so I quit in the end. The managers noticed what she was like but did nothing about it!

[Tonkin]

Originally Posted by limey123

but in other ways it's damaging my psyche

That's totally understandable based on what you've said.

I'd start looking for something else now. I know you've only got a month left but it doesn't sound like an environment you should just try to "tough out" even if it's just for one month.

What sort of company is it? Don't forget to leave a review on Glassdoor etc when you leave.

What nanuq said, working in a shitty place can make it feel like it's you that are the problem or that work is always terrible. But there are good/tolerable jobs/working environments out there, so don't settle for something awful.

[Moksha]

Oh my god limey, that sounds like a living hell. The thought of working in an open plan office with people who LIKE me is bad enough. But the idea of working with people who hate me sends a shiver down my spine. You say you have a thin skin. Well, it’s sure as hell thicker than mine! Frankly, it sounds like a vicious school playground.

Personally, I’d stick out the remaining few weeks. If the job was permanent, however, I’d urge you to leave. Maybe you just aren’t suited to that kind of environment. No shame in it. Lots of people aren’t.

[Quietman]

Sorry to hear of your troubles Limey, as I told you I had some of your troubles when I worked at the Royal Mail, it was horrible people laughing because I couldn’t push the Mail trolley, the other staff verbally abusive it’s fair to say I only last weeks in the job it was hell so to a degree I no what your going through.

You should be very proud of yourself for what you have achieved, I would say leave personally because it’s just not right people treating you like this, you don’t deserve it.

[Marco]

Limey, I think you have been incredibly brave to attempt this transition in your work environment. There’s no way I could work in an open plan office, no matter how well I felt I was getting on with my colleagues. But you’ve given this a go after years of working from home and I really admire you for that! It sounds to me absolutely shocking the way you’re being treated by some of the staff. However, my advice would be to tough it out if you think you can, but certainly start looking for another job. Totally understandable if you decide to just walk out of it though. Looking ahead, you come across as quite academic and I wonder if you’ve considered applying for a research post or something like that?

[limey123]

Many thanks, everyone, for your thoughts and words of comfort. Well, if I was in any doubt still about what course to take, audibly being called a w**ker today was the final straw. All I did was politely ask one of the leaders if there was any more work as I had run out. He sent another guy to see if there was any work and it was this guy that made that remark, which I clearly overheard.
As Crafty Elf said, your mental health should be paramount. And mine has been deteriorating. Every day I went to that job with a churning stomach and raised pulse, and my stomach remained in this state of alert the entire working day. I guess I'm just one of those people not suited to such an open-plan environment.
Now the task just remains of explaining to the agency why I am not coming in tomorrow. Or ever again. Guess I'll have burned my bridges there...

Thanks again and God bless you.

[Clumsy*]

I guess I'm just one of those people not suited to such an open-plan environment

It's not that you're not suited to "open plan" working, it's that people are bullies, have been putting you down and mistreating you.

Nobody, whether they have SA or not, should have to tolerate that.

I hope you can write the agency an email so at least you don't have to talk

[biscuits]

Definitely report the place to your agency, Limey! They need to know that it's not you, it's them.

[Clumsy*]

^yes. People before you must have reported, people after you will want to. If there are enough reports, then hopefully something will be done to safeguard others.

[limey123]

Originally Posted by Nanuq

I spent 8 years in an environment like that, where people were openly hostile to me and didn't treat me like a person. They made me feel like a physical freak. I was called a see u n t regularly.

You have my total respect Nanuq, to stay there for so long while enduring such shocking abuse, speaks volumes about your tenacity.

[limey123]

Thanks, guys. It must be said most of the people there have been either nice or just neutral, it's just a small number of people with shit attitudes (at least as far as I'm concerned) who have spoiled it for me. I'm gonna keep my reason for leaving as neutral as possible and make it about me, as it partly is about me. Other people can manage such an environment, I've learned I can't. Even without the nastiness I probably would have eventually found it too much, just later on. Now I'm gonna make a remote job my priority, or at the least, a small company.

[Quietman]

^

[Formershyguy]

I have had so many jobs where I just dreaded going in each day. Some of those jobs ended because the contract ended or if they were through an Agency, I got a call from them telling me it wasn't working out or I walked out. No job is worth your mental health.

I've witnessed people talking nastily about other people in the workplace and I knew that person had done nothing to warrant that kind of behaviour like this one time I worked at this company. There was a large workforce made up of temps and it seemed like a young company. There was this young guy that was a total nasty prick and he ordered me to pass something (can't remember what it was) We had proved to a bigger office and so the company had bought orange juice and champagne. I just ignored him and he gave me some verbal abuse. I ignored him again. Then another time I stupidly hadn't locked my laptop and he left a disgusting porn site on it. But again I did nothing. Part of me wishes I had retaliated but my anxiety keeps my anger in check otherwise I might have got into serious trouble.

My therapist told me that such people are just really unhappy and that I simply remind them of something they can't come to terms with.

But I have also worked in some lovely environments. Even made friends and it was just a pleasure to go in everyday and when you find a job you like, not necessarily the work itself but a happy working environment, it doesn't feel like work.

When you go into a new working environment you're basically rolling the dice, because until you've spent a day in that environment you don't know if you will be happy. If its through an agency and most of my work has been through agencies they might say that its a nice place to work for but on occasion this hasn't been true.

I remember one time I should have seen realised something was a red flag when the girl at the agency told me about a job where I would be replacing someone who had walked out. The person had emailed the agency, not sure what they said but I got the gist that they weren't too happy. It was an office cleaning job.

I got there and my boss, this woman seemed ok. She was taking me round the offices and this guy who also worked with her was leaving too. She had a go at him because he had left with out her when taking a taxi to work. He didn't hide what he felt about her and told her he was glad he was leaving.

The longer I worked there I began to realise I was working with a horrible woman. Maybe the job just stressed her out and she had no patience. I became very distant from her. I only spent time with her when I had to, like actually doing the work.

I'd say make sure you have some money put aside so you have some financial freedom and can afford to look for work you're happy with. Right now I'd rather work from home or atleast part time.

[limey123]

^ Thanks for your thoughts, Formershyguy. It sounds as if you've also had to deal with some nasty environments when doing temp work. At the moment, my psyche is still recovering from being called the whole gamut of names from "twaaaaat!" through "w**ker" to "c**t", as well as the not uncommon nasty remarks about my appearance. Strange, because as far as I'm concerned I was civil to everyone. I guess some people are just arseholes.
I have put some money aside and am now looking from a work-from-home gig in a different industry. But it may take some time to find something.

[Dougella]

^ Surely that kind of name calling should be a matter for HR or something? It can't be considered ok for one person to behave in that way to another person in a work environment, it's workplace bullying.

[BFG_]

Kill them all

Sorry not much to add of any use.

I once threw a bench/table at a colleague who had been winding me up all day perhaps you could try that.

[choirgirl]

That's a bit much, Limey. I'd really struggle with that. (Admittedly, I struggle with normality, let alone being targeted like that.)

[Mr. Nobody]

Be a good idea