Type what you're thinking about right now (11)

[indignant misanthrope]

^ I hope you feel better soon about things I can relate to feelings of neglect, I was pretty much totally emotionally neglected as a baby/child.
thanks, I think I just need something to take the edge off me, I keep getting intense waves of panic anxiety which put my mind into a loop that is hard to escape from. I think it's mostly due to medication side effects.

[Professor Willow]

Just thinking how perverse it is that the local funeral directors have a defibrillator on the wall outside the door, surely they want people to die not to save them?

[Percy]

I'm sure they don't actually want people to die, at least i hope they don't.

[anewyear]

Stressing an SA thing. My son has been watching the Euro games at various mates houses (nice to have the options eh). So this morning I get a message from a parent saying "sounds like we're hosting the final on Sunday for the boys. Come over for a BBQ at 5". Problem is my son doesn't wanna go.. "it'll be dead there and i wanna go somewhere with atmosphere". And he's a strong willed fella at 16.
So I'm now stressing both possibly saying "yeah we won't be coming cos X was happy to have your hospitality on a different day, but not for this one". Or alternatively, doing the whole BBQ social thing. Hmmm.

[Dougella]

^ If your son doesn't want to go there maybe just say to them that he/you've already been invited somewhere else. Ofcourse if you want to go to the BBQ even if your son doesn't you can always do that!

[anewyear]

Yeah, problem is though that of course all the boys talk to each over insta, snap etc, and it's not that he's been invited to another house per-se. A group of them want to find a screening in a park, go to Wembley (not got tickets) to "get the atmosphere" etc. So in my mind it's like "yeah he doesn't have another definite plan, just looking out for a possible option which is gonna be better than yours"

[Tubbs]

I've been seriously thinking about getting me some giant African land snails as pets 🐌

They are cute!

[Dougella]

^ I think for most people some things do work out or they do have some positive experiences. Some things work out better then we expected or good things happen that we never thought would. So that does balance the bad things and the disappointments and the really hard times.

[Amara 94]

Been doing a 30 minute workout following videos daily for 1 and a half months. Notice that it's easier to lift heavier stuff. Even at work, the oil drums feel a bit lighter. The food bins as well.

But looking at the routine of a bodybuilder, my routine seems pretty average. I also feel I proably still am meh at cardio and think my grip strength isn't much better so I am probably not better at other physical activities. Just lifting. But also I feel people claim others are on steroids way too easily. I think it just takes genetics and proper commitment to get a noticeably muscly body. Also time, there have been periods where I felt that maybe I was getting worse at lifting weights but then i notice I can lift heavier dumbells or tolerate more muscle pain during reps. I don't even have a muscular body but that takes time, in fact I have mild abs and mild biceps, before this would look like an achievement but then muscular people have traps and obliques.

[Amara 94]

Definitely building distance from my girl cousin. I don’t know if this is a definite though. I deleted all the photos I have of her, except a baby photo, from my phone yesterday. The chats we have had as well.

It’s like I’m interested in knowing her but she isn’t too interested in knowing me. I guess this is natural and we can’t choose our feelings for others though. I even told her this and how my other cousin who is a teen has said he feels like the brother I never had and how the feelings aren’t mutual off observation and no response.

I don’t feel it’s healthy to follow after someone who shows you that they aren’t interested in you.

Additionally I have noticed I live with my mum for convenience. I don’t dislike her or anything but we aren’t close. I think when I moved out last time her feeling bad wasn’t about missing me but missing something I offer her and vice versa for me.

I feel like I don’t completely like my granny. Maybe I blame her for my mums issues. She made my mum grow up with different people whilst her siblings grew up with my granny. My granny use to call weekly recently but has less. But even then there is never a conversation with me. Just a hello. I am starting to doubt she cares about me.

I journaled though why I like, probably am infatuated with my girl cousin. I think she reminds me of myself a lot. But also if I’m being honest, she looks good. Maybe this rejection was meant to happen. I get the impression that sometimes she treats me as if I am crazy or mentally ill. But then admittedly in the past I think I have seen traits such as being nerdy, I probably am, non athletic as lower than being seen as cool, good looking. It’s pathetic when you really think about it though.

[Dean Winchester]

Yesterday was one of the weirdest days of my entire life. And my entire life has been weird days.

[Dougella]

^ What happened?

[Dean Winchester]

Well I received some new info that overturned every assumption that I had previously. I'm watching it all unfold like, '.....huh'.

[Dougella]

^ that's always interesting. I hope it wasn't to the level of "Luke, I am your father"!

[Professor Willow]

Hearing all the drunken idiots shouting and bawling outside the pub up the road makes me wish we were back in lockdown.
It was so nice to be able to wander around town knowing that you were extremely unlikely to encounter a load of mouthy pissheads.

[Amara 94]

Woke up mid sleep. I feel my job isn’t the worst, I have had worse, but I don’t fit in. And then I spend so much of my life there so what’s the point of it makes me feel miserable? I feel I need a new job but what job environment would be a better fit.

I think I am coming more to terms that I probably fit in most with groups on the outskirts of mainstream society.

Even my friend, he is good and all, but I feel he doesn’t relate to me regarding lgbtq issues, fitting in or being socially awkward and stuff.

[Amara 94]

Had a good first half of sleep but couldn’t sleep after. My sleep quality has gone down the drain. I can put this down to work but I think it’s also about ending online contact or building distance between my 1st cousins. I’m thinking a lot about the girl cousin but from past experience of being ghosted I think this is normal if I stay no contact the thoughts would become lighter after some months probably.

Gonna continue reading the Goggins book.

[Professor Willow]

Why do you always have to wait longer in hospital when you're full of anxiety?
If I wasn't sat here shitting bricks I'd have been seen ages ago.

[Dougella]

^ Are you ok? (As in is there a serious reason you're in a hospital I mean.)

[Professor Willow]

^ I'm waiting to have a gastroscopy (camera down my throat) I've had it done before and it was not nice.

The waiting around is just giving me more time to get anxious and catastrophise.

[Dougella]

^ Aw, I've had one of those too. But the drugs they gave me were excellent so if you can, go for the sedation! Hope it goes ok.

[Professor Willow]

^ you have my sympathy.
I've had it done twice before with the throat spray, the first was okay but the second one was horrendous.
I couldn't have sedation today because I took some Diazepam a few hours before my appointment and it didn't work very well because I ended up having a panic attack and refusing the procedure.

[Dougella]

^ Don't feel bad, it's a difficult one to have done. I could never have done it without the sedation and I was shaking so much beforehand.

[Amara 94]

Last workout, just now went well, maybe the best I have done in some time. however it wasn't cardio which I need to improve at. But I noticed I kept on going as I associated the pain with mental pain I am facing somehow made the pain of lifting much more pleasurable.

[biscuits]

I wonder if my ears will ever go back to normal. They still pop and un-pop all the time. It's constant.

[Percy]

^I have the same trouble, popping and unpopping all the time. I've learnt to live with it.

[Amara 94]

Maybe I should go back into temping. I feel my job doesn't match with the ideal lifestyle I would like.

[Amara 94]

How our society is actually so approval based. I saw a profile my sister follows and the girl follows my sister. But the girl is instagram and youtube famous. I was seeing so many likes to one of her posts and wondering why that would feel good if you don't even know the people you are producing the content for. Why do so many likes from strangers feel good, I assume they do?

I guess imo if I was an influencer it would be more about the content than the audience?

Also as it was a bad idea to follow my cousins in social media as it leads to lots of indirect communication and is a very easy way to show off, maybe if I made friends in the future we wouldn't follow each other on social media. Maybe just Facebook, I never post there and WhatsApp. IG is to produce content to strangers.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KKG-rz8fzgc

[newbs16]

.

[Dougella]

^ It's definitely very warm today!

My neighbour is walking backwards and forwards to her garden, and she appears to have become a bit overheated because she's only wearing a flesh covered bra on the top half. I just did a double take when I caught a glimpse of her through the window