Physical appearance and SA

[Marie8]

I really think that if I didn't look the way I did then I wouldn't have such bad social and general anxiety. I really hate people looking at my face, especially from the side it causes reply bad anxiety. I missed a train today and was in the waiting room and my anxiety got so bad as lots of people around and I started panicking and worrying about what they were thinking of me.

I've had this negative self image most of my life, since I was bullied over my appearance in primary school and this condo tied into high school. My self esteem is so bad and I have no confidence about the way I look. I try wearing make up but it doenst really help and just looks stupid on me. I keep trying to tell myself it doesnt matter its not all about looks, but really everywhere I look there are so many beautiful people and I just dont fit in. I feel this is the main reason I have no friends, plus the fact I have no personality. People must feel there is nothing about me or to me, nothing interesting.

I am so fed up of feeling like this it's depressing. I know I wouldn't feel so down if I was better looking. I always remember the negative comments from school and even as an adult people (usually kids or teenagers) have made comments or shouted stuff at me in the street. I dont get it as bad now as I usually wear big hats or sunglasses whenever I go out so that helps. But today I saw these girls pointing and sniggering in my direction, so pretty sure it was about me.

Sometimes I have better days, weeks or months where I dont I feel so down about it as much but when I get a nasty comment or see people laughing in my direction the negative thoughts and worries because much worse again. I often dream of plastic surgery but I can't afford it and even if I could I don't think I could have it as I'd be too scared of it going wrong.

Can anyone else relate to this?

[3stacks]

Yes definitely, I feel like if I was good looking I wouldn't be as anxious. I'm ok with some photos where I look ok but in real life I don't like people looking at me.

[Appear]

Yep. It's pretty much the basis of all my issues, and though it has got a little better in recent years (I can now walk around without thinking I'm so unattractive people will stop to gawp), I don't think it'll ever really go away. I can literally have someone getting on me while praising my appearance and I can't believe they really think it. Pain in arse.

[Marie8]

Me too, I don't mind some photos (selfies using a load of filters) but I hate other people taking photos of me.. I usuallty cover my face and get all anxious and awkward, so try to avoid it! Luckily I hardly ever get asked nowadays.

[Marie8]

I never believe anyone who tells me I look nice, I look at them in shock and honestly think they are joking. I never know hpw to react and feel stupid saying thanks as I dont beleive them so just do a stupid awkward laugh.

[Dougella]

Marie have you heard of something called Body Dysmorphic Disorder? You might want to look in to it. Just because you were bullied for the way you look when you were younger doesn't mean there was anything wrong with you. Those people were being mean and nasty!


I used to feel a lot like you do, part of the reason I didn't want to look people in the eye was that I didn't want them to be looking at me at all, I thought I was some sort of ugly monster. Actually the truth is I'm just average looking and the people who said things about my looks when I was young were projecting their own issues on to me.

[Grace1984]

Me too. Fine with selfies but if someone points a camera in my face I freak. I too don't believe guys saying I am attractive.

[endo_endo]

I struggle with this also. I don't like the way I look most of the time and seem to make people apprehensive. Maybe I look rough.

[Grace1984]

Now I want to see what you look like! Lol

[limey123]

Hi Marie,

I can relate. I regularly take shit from total strangers just because of the way I look. I've had staring, pointing, nasty personal comments, shouted abuse, and people simply refusing to talk to me, you name it. Some people get really angry when meeting me. My appearance is apparently outside the acceptable tolerances for a homo sapiens. This negative attention has led me to develop BDD and I have had some therapy for that.

It doesn't bother me as much as it did when I was young because I am more comfortable in my own skin now. And I've accepted it as inevitable too.

On the plus side, it has made me even less judgemental of others' looks. (Not that I was especially judgemental before).

It's not the only factor but it hasn't helped the SA.

[Marie8]

I've heard of Body Dysmorphic Disorder but I just don't know if I could have that as I really am so weird looking. My nose is the thing I hate the most it's bigger than average and bumpy so I look like a witch from the side and so insecure about it. I've had many negative comments about it so I know it's true. I wish I could have a nose job but the fear of it going wrong or looking worse or affecting my breathing terrifies me. I probably do need to see a psychologist as cbt isn't helping me, I feel I'm not ready for it and it's not working because of my anxiety over the way I look. I just want to feel normal but I've always been made to feel abnormal and the bullying from a young age made me feel so anxious and negative about myself that I don't know any other way to be.

[Marie8]

I've also got a small head and am short in height and my nose does not suit my face or body. I have awful bags under my eyes and nothing seems to get rid of them
I constantly look tired and run down. I just don't even feel I look human that's a thought that comes to mind a lot. I get paranoid when out and keep thinking I'm hearing people make comments or laughing at me and I'm not sure if they actually are or if I'm imagining it.

[Marie8]

Thanks for your replies by the way and its nice to know I'm not the only one feeling like this and sorry because it's not nice at all, but hope you know what I mean. Sorry I'm crap with words. I was really nervous posting about this as I've been on here a few months now but was anxious to post this.

[Toxic]

I got bullied for my appearance during secondary school.

It was annoying as I was fine younger but I had a lot of allergy/skin related drama going on with my eyelids and my doctors didn't seem to know any better than just throwing steroid creams at me 24/7 for years.

So years of steroid cream hasn't exactly done my skin any favours. It really was a pain in the arse, to this day I still have no idea what causes the reaction (I've had alsorts of tests) I get the odd flare up but nothing like it used to.

I'm older now, I'm no looker, probably "average" appearance at best..but now in my 30's I seem to care..less, I've stopped imaging mothers covering their young childrens eyes and rushing them across the road from the hideous being I get self conscious occasionally if people are close/looking at me..but I'm better at least!

[endo_endo]

Originally Posted by Grace1984

Now I want to see what you look like! Lol

If this was addressed to me my face is on here somewhere.

I posted it in a random pictures of yourself thing a few times. Mostly to get over feeling judged and after to show people I was still about and Alive.

Personal image when you are a teen and how that image is rejected can have such a lasting mark on a person. I remember one of the first girls I actually liked told me I looked like Shrek to my face while with her friends. A few days later she tried to hug me as our friendship group parted ways. Still remember stepping back as she raised her arms and watching her panic because no one had refused her before.

[endo_endo]

Originally Posted by biscuits

Rather than a contributing factor, it's more of an additional thing to feel rubbish about. I don't even know how to look nice. Not a clue. My hair is usually a bit of a state - I can't stand my hair. I barely ever look at my face - just first thing in the morning when I slap some make up on. I'm rubbish at make-up. I have about 7 shades of foundation because I can never work out which one I'm supposed to wear. I always regret whichever one I put on. Make up looks silly on me.


I flit between different obsessional hates... eyebrows... forehead... hair...legs... entire face...entire body.


I have a voucher for beauty salon, which I can't bring myself to use it because I'm not the sort of person who could ever fit in those sorts of places and I know I'll feel rubbish about myself if I go in there.

Being ugly does hold me back a lot, I suppose. I'm really shy, rubbish at talking to people and socially awkward too, so it's not like I can really offer anything to counterbalance it either haha.

Seen you post a lot, never seen you physically but your character shows all the time regardless of looks you are a nice person. A genuinely nice person. Would rather have one nice person than one thousand good looking bad people.

[Grace1984]

Originally Posted by endo_endo

I struggle with this also. I don't like the way I look most of the time and seem to make people apprehensive. Maybe I look rough.

Originally Posted by endo_endo

If this was addressed to me my face is on here somewhere.

I posted it in a random pictures of yourself thing a few times. Mostly to get over feeling judged and after to show people I was still about and Alive.

Personal image when you are a teen and how that image is rejected can have such a lasting mark on a person. I remember one of the first girls I actually liked told me I looked like Shrek to my face while with her friends. A few days later she tried to hug me as our friendship group parted ways. Still remember stepping back as she raised her arms and watching her panic because no one had refused her before.

Yes I was referring to you 🙂

[Aelwyn]

I can relate to all this too, I hate being photographed, and do feel I would have been less SA if I'd been better looking. But there must be more to it that that, because I see other people who are not beautiful but who are brimming with confidence.

[AireleeBray]

I can also relate. it took a long time for me to be comfortable with my body but don't think i'll ever like my face particularly my nose, my face shape, my teeth & my hair.
I do think id be better if I could change those.

[Gosties]

I've never been particularly comfortable getting my picture taken and it was prevalent long before even my teenage years. In addition with the severe bullying in secondary and primary school that affected my confidence and self-esteem.
An additional contributory factor of cystic acne from my early teens to early twenties. Just a perfect storm to set in motion a perception to yourself that you are not worthy.

I'm no Brad Pitt but not Shrek either.

I'm far comfortable with myself now but I have real trouble trusting people's intentions.
I've probably lost out on a few relationships due to my foibles.

I've not had much trouble in work but still keep a safe space between myself and other people.

[endo_endo]

Originally Posted by Grace1984

Yes I was referring to you 🙂

Ah well with a little digging you can unearth my face on here.

I've gotten better at not worrying about SA but my last big problem is how I feel I look.

[Grace1984]

Originally Posted by roro_1990

Yeah, I definitely have issues over my appearance. I hate my side profile: I have a pretty bad overbite and I never let people take pictures of me from the side.

At least 4 people during my 29 years on Earth have told me I resemble Mr. Bean ha, which does not do anything for my confidence because he's universally regarded as ugly. If I am being objective, there is a very slight resemblance when I make certain facial expressions but I wouldn't say I look like him at all; I wouldn't stand a chance of passing for his double.

Additionally, I know 4 people is probably nothing in the grand scheme of interacting with hundreds of people over the course of my life, but it's always the insults that stick with you.

I've had compliments on my appearance before: one girl I kissed told me I was the best looking guy in the nightclub while another that I ended up in bed with told me I could've had any girl there.

But the positive impact of these complements was extremely minimal and short-lasting compared to the torturous feelings I get wondering whether I really do look like Mr. Bean and worrying that people are going to say it in social situations and embarrass the hell out of me.

I get told alot I resemble Rick mayall when he was in bottom! 😂 when I pull a certain face. But I actually don't mind as it's true! I'm sure you are very handsome and it's just a mild similarity.

[limey123]

Originally Posted by roro_1990

Mr. Bean ha, which does not do anything for my confidence because he's universally regarded as ugly.

Interestingly enough, Rowan Atkinson was regarded by many as handsome and dashing when dressed up as Lord Blackadder in series 2.

Interesting how much some deliberate styling can change someone for the (perceived) good or bad.

[Marie8]

Yeah, I only ever remember the negative remarks. Any positive ones I can't take seriously and just dont understand how anyone could think that about me, I just think they are trying to be nice. Last night some teenage boy burped in my direction when I walked past and I'm sure it was aimed at me and a way of telling me I'm ugly. I could be wrong but I bet if it was a prettier woman walking past he wouldn't have done that. This type of thing puts me off going out and reallt knocks my confidence.

I too have never been to a beauty salon, I seriously think they would take one look at me and laugh! I wouldn't fit in in a place like that and would feel so awkward and uncomfortable. I do wear a little mascara and bb cream but I really struggle finding the right shade of foundation as my skin is so pale and I end up looking like a tangerine! I am useless at applying eyeliner and have no idea about all this countouring stuff and thick eyebrows!

My mum and sister had spa day vouchers and asked me to go with them but I just couldn't, I was so worried what people would think of me I made an excuse. I feel like the odd one out in my family.
I've also not been to the hairdressers in about 12 years because I found it too uncomfortable to bear sitting there in front of the mirror. In public toilets I don't look at myself in the mirror, I'll quickly wash my hands and run out! I carry hand sanitizer around with me as sometimes I can't wash my hands if lots of people at the sink.

For me it's worse when going out for a meal, drink etc. as no matter how long I take trying to put on make up, different clothes etc. I still feel really crap about myself. So I usually avoid these situations. My sister comments that I always wear black or have my hair the same way and why don't I try something else etc. I feel most comfortable in black and dont want my hair another way as it looks stupid, it annoys me when she goes on about it. She's really into fashion but I try to avoid clothes shops as I'll see all these nice and colourful clothes and it makes me feel shit as I know I would look ridiculous in them.
I just prefer to hide away in my hat or sunglasses. Even in summer on a hot day I'll wear a beanie or sunglasses when it's raining and I have had the odd comment or stare off people but it's better than them seeing me without my disguise. I think this is why I've had fewer insults in the past few years as people don't really notice me which is better.

[Moksha]

In my late teens and early 20s I was well above average looking, but I hated it as it drew attention. I would rather have been ugly but confident and sociable. In any case, my SA was so bad that I couldn't form proper relationships, or even enjoy a good sex life, so my looks brought me no happiness. Now, at 42, with my hair falling out and my looks fading, knowing I never made the best of them tortures me.

[Reformation]

This thread is very saddening, how most people seem to talk of their bad looks on a factual basis. I think SA will increase the chances of people thinking they look bad but the reality is often far from that.

And even if it's partly true, you're no looker or barely average, I think it's a myth that things would be much different regarding your SA if you were a better looking.

Just look at all the very social and confident but objectively bad looking people there are in the world. It's really not our looks that are the problem.

[limey123]

^ Good post

[Sunrise]

People have always been very unkind about the way I look. It used to bother me greatly and still does to an extent, but I manage to cope with it by just trying to ignore it. I avoid literally anything that involves thinking about how I look. I refuse to have my photograph taken, avoid reflective surfaces, and have little interest in sex/relationships/people finding me attractive/putting myself in situations where my looks matter. Probably not the best approach but I find it more helpful than using silly positive affirmations.

The way I look physically obviously does matter to some as they feel the need to comment on it, but if the way I look offends them in some way then that's their problem. On a few occasions more recently when people have passed comment I've made it awkward for them by asking them directly why me being so ugly is such a problem. It's funny to watch them squirm and quickly back track. Again it's not an approach I'd recommend but I don't care about impressing anyone anymore. I try to embrace it. I'm ugly but I'm here to stay and I'm not going to change.

[Marie8]

I wish I didn’t feel like this and I am so angry at myself that I let it affect me so much, for so many years. I wish I knew how to be confident and not care what people think of me but I worry so much and avoid talking to others as much as possible. I worry that the way I look means people think I’m weird and therefore don’t want to get to know me and this is the main reason I have no friends. If I had a personality I’m sure it would help, but I really don’t I am very bland and have not idea how to make people laugh.
I don’t judge others on their looks, I just like nice friendly and kind people who are genuine and make me feel safe to be around.

[choirgirl]

Hm. It doesn't help, it has been a factor in the past, but it's not the main driver for my social anxiety. I know this because I have always had phone phobia. If I had fewer flaws in my appearance I would obsess more over the ones I still had, iyswim. I feel that anxiety can be this thing that FINDS things to attach itself to. The anxiety is there, and then the brain looks for logical reasons why we feel so anxious, and then it feeds back in to make us MORE anxious.