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  #91  
Old Yesterday, 19:48
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default Re: If it is not broken

When I had to top up my existing hours with a cleaning job while studying I was still treated abysmally. One of the women thought she was trying to help. Saying that she had a friend who thought that she had to have a good job as she was smart and took her own life from the stress. You don't need a good job. But it wasn't an altruistic comment full of sagely advice. They said it because I had been in the hospital. And employers are less likely to take on ex mental patients than they are criminals a lot of the time. I should save myself the heartache of still wishing for a career and a way out of the rutt I was in. Be happy with my lot. Sound familiar? One month in rehab didn't make me a looney bin inmate for crying out loud. The dust would never settle and I couldn't keep an elephant in the basement. Would some people have preferred I kicked the bucket instead of laying out the bones of the elephant for all to see? I know the answer.
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  #92  
Old Yesterday, 20:19
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default Re: If it is not broken

I left for the same reason I overdosed. I felt like I had nothing to look forward to. Do you honestly hink I am haudin you back. I'll tell you what's haudin you back - ward number fouw-werr! He was holding me down. He did set out to break me down. His need for power and control usurped absolutely everything else and because I had been in rehab he thought that granted him a get out of jail free card. If the scammers on torr were real, he would hire one if he had the means. He must have known that when I got back on my feet that I would need to talk about what I'd been through. Or can some really fool themselves and lock it away and feel no remorse? Take it from someone who knows. Abusive people never apologise.
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  #93  
Old Yesterday, 20:31
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default Re: If it is not broken

If a virtual appointment is all I can get then that's what I'll have to take. I'm not going on a waiting list. I haven't talked from start to finish. Maybe I could request a home visit from... If it takes months then at least I know it's done and in place and I have to see it through.
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  #94  
Old Yesterday, 21:01
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default Re: If it is not broken* TRIGGER WARNING

Between the age of eighteen to twenty four I was an anxious, nervous wreck. People noticed. I was a shadow of my former self. Something didn't fit. The reason took no time at all to surface. I'd been in hospital. For mental health reasons. I almost killed myself. I was going to hang myself. And my old flame would say if I left that I may as well put a noose around his neck? Nobody had any respect for my emotions. Most people are scared to death of triggering a person as they know how damaging it can be. Not him. I ended up back in rehab after the years of emotional and psychological torture I had been through at his hands. I needed to be there after my life. Three months this time. It wasn't just him. My parents easily fitted the bill of domestic abusers and neglect. I'd never had the chance to rest amd recuperate from the first time around. Education was once seen as the way out of the vicious cycle. I'm afraid it is not enough. The three months were not about getting some extra sleep and talking about my issues. Doing art and basket weaving. Walks. Relaxation. Swimming. Planting flowers. Going to mindfulness sessions. Routine. Food. No. My head was a ball of knots. I was burnt out. Worn thin. The slightest thing stressed me out. I couldn't trust the doctors or nurses at the start. I was on the verge of being made homeless. It sent me over the edge. I pretended I was going to get my affairs in order. When I was going get drunk and jump. From a place I knew I'd splat open like a dropped egg. I painted a wall with green bottles and called it humpty dumpty. A person has to participate while in hospital or they don't release you and let you home. Or you get out quicker. For people in my position who have to look out for themselves anyway. They have to be doubly sure when no one is keeping an eye on you. The doctors sure as hell knew my family wouldn't after wildfire. To jump through hoops all I had to do was confirm what people already knew. I never thought being in a large town with a village mentality would help me out one day.
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  #95  
Old Today, 15:12
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default Re: If it is not broken

Settled in at college. Loving it. Lots of variety. Soon to start volunteering alongside full time study. And I have an interview next week at a similar place as my longest means to an end. Two vacancies going and I was supervisor at weekend with this kind of work and have the experience. I'm quietly confident. I can't say why I quit my most rewarding means to an end. I can hardly say an abusive ex whom I am still fighting and had to report to the police left me without a place to stay nevermind transport so I had to quit. I was in rehab because if I hadn't left the relationship I may have wound up dead.Once in a job, I can say office politics. I will just have to say it was a contractual issues with hours, something to that effect. Maybe I will get back out there and date someone who has their feet on the ground. And has a similar intellect and interests to me.
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  #96  
Old Today, 15:36
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default I did not set out to write a black comedy

Yes he knew I was in rehab after a failed suicide attempt. And yes he said if I left that I may as well put a noose around his neck. Yes I left a suicide note saying nobody loves me or will miss me. And yes he laughed at me for it and brought it up. Yes he knelt on my chest after pushing me over until I momentarily blacked out. That was my only regret. That I did not contact nine nine nine. Yes I was scared that I wouldn't be listened to because of being in the hospital at eighteen. I thought it was because I had a panic attack. Even if it was, he was the one who caused it intentionally and he had assaulted me.The fear was real. No it is not anything like George Floyd. If was front of my chest. I had only small bruising. Yes he said I never hit you so you can't dae a thing. Can't prove anything. Yes people speculated he was gay because of British soap storylines. Aaron Dingle/Lively from Emmerdale and David Platt in Coronation Street. Both were violent. Both came out as gay after the violent spells. Yes he tried to flip his abuse onto me and thrust a newspaper in my face when there was a domestic abuse story in Corronation Street. I believe it is like gaslighting. It's ah in your soft mind. It is you, nae me. If we had mare money and you didn't hae a job my feel relative could dae. You deserve it. It was weeks before I overdosed as I felt trapped in a loveless relationship with a controlling, possessive, violent manipulative overgrown manchild of a bully.
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  #97  
Old Today, 17:50
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default Re: If it is not broken

Milk the system? Pip claimants get cars to get to their work and college courses in many cases. I can't get finance for anything so I can't even get a bicycle to pay up monthly. Or a bus pass to get to a job. I've used my lives for a mattress and new cooker. I have to worry about what to do if aomething in my house bites the dust. I have applied for a grant (loan as I pay it back) for an e-bike as its all I can find. Four years to pay back a bike. If it will help me get around until I get a job and save for a car then I can handle a ribbing from my family and friends. Nobody needs to ask why my family won't help me out of square one. Crying laughter emo ji
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  #98  
Old Today, 19:35
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default A little compassion doesn't go amiss *trigger warning

"See if ice to the eskimo's brother wiz my brother I'd have done mare than beat the living daylights oot oh him. I'd load up a s*ringĀ£ for im or put a Steve Mcqueen to the haed. That's whit ah them need. And as for the know it all who knows ef all, I would takk a cattle bolt tee his haed."
Well, not going to ask who has upset you. The former or the latter or was it fat boy carrot nose? You drive a fork lift and sell wood, the same timber for the past five years that never changes, all day and use a calculator for costs.You earn more than NHS nurses ( thinks but doesn't say- and you don't use your brain, do barely any paperwork or deal with people) You sleep like a rock as soon as your head hits the pillow. I mean what? You know I will get a better job. You should know it takes time to build up rainy day funds. You're twenty four and we are on the property ladder! Did you expect life to be as easy ozey straight away as when you lived with your folks? If you keep stressing and taking your #### out on me, it won't help matters. And I thought that I hated my silver spoon cousin. Not a patch on you and yours.

* N. B. Does not represent the authors view. It is the words of a person I condemn. I will censor further if it does not meet the criteria
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