Self Loathing

[Rianne]

Any one else feel so disgusted with themselves on every front? I can’t quite describe it, but I feel ‘dirty’ somehow. Not in that I’m unwashed, but internally dirty. I feel that people are repulsed by me because of who I am. I somehow present an image that people hate. It’s as if they think that I think a lot of myself and I certainly DO NOT. I really can’t articulate how I feel, but I’ve been feeling this way for so long now and it’s really getting to me. It’s a really deep down disgust with myself, who I am and everything I stand for. I irritate myself every time I open my mouth. I feel there are people around me who tolerate me out of sympathy because They feel I’m ‘not quite right’ but I don’t feel that anyone really accepts me for who I am- because who I am is not acceptable to anybody. I guess this post might not make any sense but the self loathing that I have ALWAYS felt has intensified over the past year or two. I WAS able to cope with it, but just lately I’m struggling big time. I’m wondering how I can cope with such a huge level of self loathing and looking for constructive advice!
Thanks in advance!

[Clementine]

Oh 100% yes I detest everything about myself, sometimes it builds up so much that I genuinely don’t feel as if I should be alive because I’m so abhorrent. I disgust myself.

I wish I had some advice but I really don’t know how to stop feeling this way.
Jinny mentioned ‘toxic shame’ to me recently and I read a little about it and it really resonated, perhaps that’s something you might want to look into?

For whatever it’s worth, I think you’re very obviously a lovely person and I wish you didn’t feel so bad about yourself

[Rianne]

Thanks Clem. I have looked into ***8216;Toxic Shame***8217; a bit but may well look into it further. I***8217;ve just realised I***8217;ve posted this thread in entirely the wrong place! Not sure it***8217;s one for the Lounge, and didn***8217;t realise I was there when starting a new thread. Is it possible for a moderator to shift it? I did try deleting but it won***8217;t let me!

[Quicksand]

Yes. It's part and parcel of depression/anxiety. I'm learning that you have to first accept yourself as who you are and work out your stance on morals ethics identity and self essence before becoming confident around others.

[Clementine]

I think it’s probably something that some decent therapy could help with, these thoughts must stem from somewhere and realising when and why might be beneficial. I don’t really know.

A mod will move it if it’s in the wrong place, don’t worry

[Rianne]

^^ I totally agree. Thing is, I***8217;ve worked out who I am and where I stand, and I***8217;ve found that everyone else thinks I***8217;m peculiar for it.

^ Thanks Clem. Decent therapy might help, but I***8217;ve had experience of therapy before and both experiences have not been positive. I know that I didn***8217;t approach either with the right attitude. I went in saying it wasn***8217;t going to work and it didn***8217;t!! I***8217;m a firm believer that I***8217;m the only one who can ***8216;fix***8217; me - I***8217;m just not sure where or how to start. Not caring what others think would be a good place but I can***8217;t stop worrying about that. If I were to be my own therapist I could pinpoint where the thoughts originate from. I Just need to learn to change a set of beliefs that have been ingrained in for years. I guess it***8217;s the same for a lot of us. As you said earlier, these negative thoughts can build up to an overwhelming degree, but they can also fade away a bit as well. I think I***8217;m in an especially bad phase at the moment. It***8217;s not as if I***8217;m not used to feeling this way. It***8217;s normal for me, to varying degrees!

[Merritt]

Originally Posted by Nervous Wreck

I feel ‘dirty’ somehow. Not in that I’m unwashed, but internally dirty.

I'm completely the same as how you describe, and this bit especially hits home for me. I always feel dirty too, but in a sort of, I don't know, psychic, existential way. No matter how outwardly clean I am, I feel inherently toxic and poisonous and shameful.

Growing up I remember never really having the impulse to take care of myself. I literally wouldn't wash or change my clothes unless I was prompted to. I let my teeth become completely ruined, so now even though I'm better with this I'm ashamed to ever even open my mouth. I wonder if I was like that because I felt so dirty inside, I thought what's the point of being clean outside? Or maybe I felt like the outside should reflect who I am inside. I'm sure my self harm habits are partly due to this too, it's like I've always wanted to sabotage my body so as to feel less of a fake or a fraud.

I wish I had an answer for you The only thing I can really think of is that these things seem to fester and grow when you're isolated, when you've only got your negative self image as an influence. So maybe the key is to try to allow more people into your life who'll provide you with a more positive image of who you are, people that don't think you're dirty or toxic, and would never even dream of making judgements like that about you, and hope the way you see yourself shifts to somewhere more positive and realistic (because, really, how can we be dirty inside? What does that even mean? Would we ever think of another person like that?)

[Consolida]

It saddens me so much to hear that you feel this way about yourself Nervous Wreck especially as I***8217;ve been lucky enough to have gotten to know you a little and think you are blooming awesome!!!
Honestly, your supportive and chatty messages light up my day. You***8217;re a friendly, funny, warm-hearted, throughly lovely lady - I could go on some more but I really don***8217;t want to embarrass you further or come across as some kind of creep

Also, I know only too well that when you suffer with low self esteem it***8217;s impossible to believe anything nice that anyone might say about you anyway. It***8217;s far easier to beleive the distorted critical narrative that has been running through your head since the beginning of time.

I can relate 100% to everything you have said because I also detest myself inside and out. I hoped it might lessen over the years especially as I now have a kind husband in my life but that hasn***8217;t changed a thing. I just feel guilty about my husband being lumbered with me and feel that he deserves someone so much better

I really wish I could give some helpful advice on how you could overcome some of those feelings of worthlessness, NW, but I feel that it would be hypocritical of me to make any sort of suggestions when I don***8217;t or can***8217;t do anything about my own messed up head. I think seeing a therapist or councillor may be very helpful to you, but of course that***8217;s all easier said than done isn***8217;t it!

I often feel that I am bad to the very core and that everyone hates me and if they don***8217;t, then they bloody well should!! On the few occasions when some one does seem to like me I live in fear that eventually the scales will fall from their eyes and they***8217;ll see me for the truly horrible person that I am. Or, that they will only want me until someone better comes a long. Years ago a relative once said to me that my partner at the time was only with me because nobody else would want him. The relative, rightly or wrongly, didn***8217;t like my partner so I guess it was meant as an attack against him but it actually just reinforced my beliefs that only the utterly desperate would want someone like me in their life

But this post isn***8217;t about me!! It***8217;s about me and other folk on the forum understanding exactly where you are coming from Nervous Wreck.
The Toxic shame that Jinny and Clementine mentioned resonates with me too, although where you even start to try and undo the damage of years and years of self loathing I really haven***8217;t a clue. It***8217;s a difficult one to crack for sure

Take care buddy x

[Rianne]

^^ Merritt, everything you have said makes complete sense. I certainly agree with allowing more positive people into my life. Because I like to be needed, in order to feel some worth, I have always attracted needy people who do nothing but drain every last ounce of energy out of me. I don***8217;t blame them for this at all. I blame me, because I have allowed them to do this. I need to become politely assertive, but I have always allowed people to walk all over me which has in fact reduced my feelings of self worth rather than increasing them. I agree - what does it mean to ***8216;feel dirty inside***8217;? It makes no sense but it***8217;s the best way that I can describe how I feel. I hope that both of us can find a better sense of self in the future as I***8217;m pretty sure you have no reason to feel this way either.

[Rianne]

^ Muggins, I think that sometimes relatives, however well meaning they may be , can do far more damage than they will ever realise. A relative of mine constantly criticised me. I have been told in the past that I was putting my marriage in danger by having certain friendships. In one instance what was implied was that my friend might run off with my husband. Gee, great. Thanks for that. So he***8217;s only with me until something better comes along then? It***8217;s certainly a problem to unravel years of feeling inferior especially when, in my experience, people pick up on those feelings and seem to go out of their way to keep you down. Ho hum....it***8217;s just a bad day.........

[Rianne]

^ Thanks Rebka. I shall try and apply logic, but it***8217;s so hard. An intense dislike of yourself clouds all judgement and I often feel as if I***8217;d like to walk away from everything and start again somewhere where no one knows me. And the positive part of that statement is that I don***8217;t feel that I want to end it all. I never have felt that, thankfully. I just want to feel what I think everyone else feels- comfortable in my own skin. But, you soon realise that actually, every one else doesn***8217;t feel like that. We all have our own insecurities - my head is just so messed up at the minute that I really can***8217;t see straight. I***8217;m generally pretty good at holding it all together but recently I feel the ground opening up underneath me and I***8217;m falling into a deep pit that I***8217;m scared I won***8217;t get out of. I realise that I have the power to stop this happening I just need to find the strength and stop beating myself up about things that have happened in the past. Those things should be learned from and never repeated. I***8217;m angry with myself and I need to let that go before I can start to change. I come from strong stock!! It***8217;s not beyond me and I think a big hug is in order for all of us that are feeling bad about ourselves.

[Rianne]

P.s. thanks to whichever moderator moved this thread into this more appropriate place!

[Indigo_]

^ You're welcome I wasn't really sure where to move it to so I hope this area is okay!

[Rianne]

^ whilst it***8217;s helpful to know that other people feel the same way, I***8217;m sorry to hear that you do Cynic. As many of us know, feeling this way about ourselves is not something that we want anybody else to experience because it***8217;s draining, emotionally and physically. One of the worst things I experience is people***8217;s lack of understanding if I try to talk to them. Some will listen, but I can see behind their eyes that they are thinking ***8220; here she goes again, this attention seeking idiot. ***8220; I***8217;m not looking for attention, I***8217;m looking for re-assurance in a world where everybody seems to treat me as if I***8217;m at best an inconvenience, and at worst, a complete waste of time space and effort. I am so sorry to know that so many people feel so badly about themselves. I***8217;m not perfect, far from it. But I do just for once want to feel accepted and not judged everywhere I go. What I do have to realise, and I guess that the rest of us do also, is that it is our own selves who initially instigate theses feelings and once they are there we then give out all the negative signals that allow others to start believing about us what we believe about ourselves. At 55 years old I have no idea of how to overcome this, but my thoughts and best wishes are with you.

[Rianne]

Toxic Shame. I***8217;ve looked into this a lot more. A lot of it makes complete sense to me.

[Rianne]

^ im slowly coming to realise that I***8217;m better off without those who shun me anyway. I***8217;m so tired of falling over backwards and trying to fit in with other people in order to make them like me. What happens then is that I become someone I***8217;m not, and I hate myself even more!

[catlover]

Originally Posted by Nervous Wreck

...
I feel that people are repulsed by me because of who I am. I somehow present an image that people hate.
...

I'm not sure that people are literally repulsed by me, but they definitely don't enjoy spending time with me and they definitely don't want to maintain even the semblance of a friendship with me. I can't say I'm surprised, as I'm basically a boring, depressing person. People generally want to be with someone who lifts them up, not someone who drags them down.

One thing I've noted is that as I grow older, I find myself less concerned with what people think about me, whereas when I was younger, in school, the pressure to conform and be liked was much more intense.

Originally Posted by Cynic

Of course, being a social misfit removes so many life opportunities that normal people take for granted

So happy to see you posting again on the forum!!