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  #1  
Old 13th April 2021, 10:49
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default No stigma, no scapegoating, only working like a dog *trigger warning

When I moved in with old flame,
The evening's we spent together
Always began with him,
Throwing torrents of abuse my way.
His favourite starter was by far:
"I have the life of a dog noo"
I encouraged him to take that job
So I did feel partly responsible.
He couldn't admit that he was tired,
So he twisted "working like a dog"
Into his version "I have the life of a dog."
He refused to admit to himself that
It was his work that
Was making him ill tempered and abusive.
But he was the same when
He was living at home.
I witnessed him after work,
Where he would verbally assault
Anyone who got in his way.
He was most irrational after work.
Consequently, months later
After moving in with him,
When the abuse wouldn't stop,
I ended up in A&E after an overdose.
His abuse - the demeaning jokes, derisive insults,
Threats to hit me, continually belittling me- did not
Take long to regain momentum.
The emotional and verbal assualts
Remained fairly constant for all
The years we lived together
But the physical assualts came
In spits and spats.
He eased up slightly when
I landed a better job.
After I had to work forty to fifty hours
A week whilst attending college.
But I couldn't live like that
Not knowing when he was going to erupt.
I remember the lull and
Him saying: I thought
We were getting on better.
I was still young when I left
And I would not have
Fought to sell the house for my share.
I worked hard and I had to leave/flee with nothing
But frayed nerves and broken self-esteem.
All I wanted was a fresh start.
When I left him, he couldn't have
Cared less if I rotted away in a ditch.
One night when he was angry and drunk,
I passed out from a submission hold
Of his own invention.
All because a man
Spoke to me at the bar.
I did nothing. Didn't smile or speak.
The bar was so busy
I had to wait for space to move away.
He flipped out when we got home
And I explained that I couldn't move
In the bar when
It was packed to the rafters.
There was no remorse
From him, after what he had done.
I had learned by then
That abusive men like him don't apologise.
I was living on tenterhooks,
Stressed and worried that
If I couldn't ease the financial burden,
By gaining better employment
Or by working all the hours god could send,
The hulk was going to lose it.

Last edited by Spideysenses; 15th April 2021 at 18:18. Reason: Errors
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  #2  
Old 13th April 2021, 12:23
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Default There can't be forgiveness without justice first

I should never have
Needed another stay in a rehab ward.
All the pressure and all the abuse I endured,
And the conspiracy theories
Stemming from the stigma,
Stacked against me,
I had to make a choice.
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  #3  
Old 13th April 2021, 15:41
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Default Advertisement games urls atm wtf wth ยง

Loading simplesite.com
Domain name www.aboutbipolar.com
Go pro and get your personal
Domain name for free
Renewal May 13th
Features unlimited space
And no advert's. None.
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  #4  
Old 14th April 2021, 10:39
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Default No need to sell yourself short

I don't have to explain why. I am not damaged goods.
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  #5  
Old 14th April 2021, 10:51
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Default Love & Purpose

Freud said work and love. Purpose and love is better.
I am reading works from Erich Fromm.
The art of loving. The art of being. The art of listening. Escape from freedom( or the rat race)
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  #6  
Old 14th April 2021, 11:24
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default Kick off

Justice has been done?
No not yet.
Nowhere near it.
The ball is rolling.
I won't stop it anytime soon.
I do have witnesses
That will provide statements.
Witnesses at the party
He was pushing me around
Squeezing my arm
And yelling the most
Damaging obscenites he could muster,
With people around to witness.
It was obvious he would
Have hit me if we were at home.
Colleagues who saw me
Dash home in a blind panic
When I thought I'd left a tap on.
They knew I was afraid to death of him.
Everyone knew that
There had to be a reason
Why I had not left
To get my career kick started.
He fought that man for sport
And not self defence.
He initiated the fight.
He broke their ribs
Smashed their cheekbone and more,
All for his own amusement
And thinking he would be revered.
His work more or less
Told him to grow up
And had to organise a face to face meet
In order for him to apologise
And see the injuries he had caused.
He was going to press charges
And he could have pressed charges.
Look actions have real consequences.
My old flame didn't listen,
It left no impression on him.
He bragged about it -
I am the only man who has
Ever won a fight against him.
There will be reports that will confirm
I was suffering from a form of complex ptsd
Once the relationship ended.

Last edited by Spideysenses; 18th April 2021 at 15:44. Reason: Delete coarse language
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  #7  
Old 14th April 2021, 18:38
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Default Never once has....

Never once has an outted abuser sued a memoirist - see the article below. All I need are witnesses to corroborate the truth. I am beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

How Not to Get Sued for Your Memoir | HuffPost
https://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/us_12035000
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  #8  
Old 18th April 2021, 15:50
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Default It was spineless and cowardly

He was not saying what others were afraid to say. To plant a seed was the only one who told old flame to leave. No one else was that heartless. I cannot ever forgive a person for setting out to destroy a relationship knowing the other person was on suicide watch in a hospital ward. It beggars belief.
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  #9  
Old 20th April 2021, 09:35
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Default For the Fallen Dreams - Nightmares

Why did he do this? Back me into a corner. It was never a choice to do this. Forgiveness without justice, is meaningless. He didn't want to have kids or build a life with me as having bipolar made me imperfect. He knew that I was not forever in his debt because he visited me and stayed with me after a meltdown. He knew I would need to quit my potential burgeoning career once I left. He knew that I needed and was capable of more. He knew that I had given all my toil into that cursed, god forsaken house and our life and I had nothing spare to tide me over. He knew that it was touch or go with my family. That they had not sorted themselves out yet. That I was more of a responsible adult than they were. It need not have come to this.
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  #10  
Old 22nd April 2021, 17:41
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default Re: No stigma, no scapegoating, only working like a dog *trigger warning

I did not have a supportive family to go back to. I could have moved back. For a while. I was not a qualified professional who could rent an apartment or a flat. I should have been and of course I was mad knowing if I had not been in rehab I would have been a high flyer. It wasn't my home life alone to blame. A thousand papercuts so the saying goes. To be fair I did not think that not being able to gain a high paying job warranted
or deserved sympathy. On the contrary. People love a fall from grace story. It is not uncommon. I didn't think that anyone had an ounce of sympathy for me. False ploys to save their own skin but not genuine remorse. I preferred it that way. It granted me freedom to pursue my own endeavours. I had not lost everything. Things had changed. I had changed. But not all was lost.
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  #11  
Old 23rd April 2021, 14:47
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Post Jokes aside

You need te kane far your bread is buttered
Love you even though you are a pill haed.
You hae a job my feel aunt can dae.
You are nuhin special .
Someone like you is lucky to hae a man like me,
A funny ferm reject like you.
I decide ahin under this roof mind at .
By #### I can dae better than you. Everyone Kanes.
Do you honestly hink anyone speaks or thinks aboot you?
This is the first remotely decent meal
You have bothered your ### to cook me ah week.
You left me like a spare part at a wedding.
If your nae first you're last.
At least you can say you were
Good at something at one point of your life.
Now you will never be anything after that place.
If you really need a hobby. You will never be a writer.
I hae higher principles than most men.
You need help.
It is ah in your soft mind.
If you canna hit me, quit bumping your gums.
No arguing if you canna hit me. Mon then.
You will come to bed now so you
Do not wake me up when you come upstairs.
If you leave you may as well put a noose around my neck
As I will be a hermit if I need to paye ah the bills
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  #12  
Old 25th April 2021, 08:53
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default Cold - Year of the Spider

Looking up artist Cold, album - Year of the Spider
I tried to end it.
I tried to leave many times.
I didn't want to stay
In my home town.
I told him we should take a break.
A melt down didn't feel like a
Cruel twist of fate for me.
I'd need to get help
After a thousand cuts.
I tried not to take onboard
Any of his assumptions and jokes
And I still was sick as a dog,
Worn out and worn thin,
When the relationship ended.
What did he think was
Going to happen if
He plied on pressure
And attacked me in every way possible?
I was depressed with my life
As I needed more.
What if he had put
Some other girlfriend through
What I had went through?
No other woman would
Have stuck by him for long.
By saying I would never
Be anything or not letting
Me feel sorry for myself,
Gave me the fire in my belly
And determination to carry on.
I appreciated him for
Being there when my friends were not.
I wouldn't have fallen
In with the wrong crowd.
I'd spent my life
Avoiding the vultures
I encountered at eighteen.
So why would I fall into that trap?
Did twenty eight day's in hospital
Mean life would be out of my reach permanently?
I refused to believe it.
Not everyone thought so.
Was it ward number thirteen
That ensured we wouldn't last?
Or was it over the
Minute he said I would never be anything,
And whining about
How much valentines day
Flowers cost from the florist.
Was I really l worth it?
This was the most expensive gift
He ever bought me for the
Whole duration we were together
And he could not even
Force himself to say I was worth it
And it was not a mistake.
I begged him to let
Sleeping dogs lie.
I told him dredging
Up the past with me,
Was taking it's toll.
I will leave if you think
You can continue to treat me this way.
He knew that when I had
Broken out of the rutt
I was in, that he would
Need to apologise or I would leave.
What did I want?
I never answered him
And that wasn't like me.
Stop threatening to hit me.
How can you dream of trying to
Have me put into hospital?
Knowing, first and foremost that there
Are potentially violent men there?
What makes you think
You can play Russian roulette with my life?
My family are drama seeking
And responsibility shirking? But you are not?
Actions have consequences.
What was he playing at?
There is a mountain of
Evidence to show I lived with him.
Years of my life I spent
In miserable conditions
Where I could have
Been making and building a life for myself.
I needed time.
I did not need a person
Who set out to break me down.
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  #13  
Old 6th May 2021, 09:08
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default Re: No stigma, no scapegoating, only working like a dog *trigger warning

If a person tries to make you question your worth and self respect, then they are the one not worthy of you
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  #14  
Old 7th May 2021, 19:04
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default The horse meat scandal

Its not like I went joy riding, tight rope walking between buildings, planking at top of lampposts, base jumping or dressed up as a horse or scaled parliament dressed as banana man or batwoman.

Last edited by Spideysenses; 23rd May 2021 at 21:24. Reason: Punctuation
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  #15  
Old 8th May 2021, 09:17
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
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Default Re: No stigma, no scapegoating, only working like a dog *trigger warning

I did ask him: why did you stay with me? I asked him why he did not respect me even though I knew the reason. I was trying to show him he was wrong. I already knew he saw my stay as a sign of weakness and he enforced that he was not the only one who saw me as damaged goods. I tried to leave. He always coerced me back. He let me leave because he knew I needed more. First I had to tell my own family on the phone we were over. Abusive people don't apologise or admit it to themselves. We couldn't erase the dragon. I couldn't live my life constantly trying to prove that I was not and never was damaged goods and not knowing when his temper would erupt. I am not to blame.
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  #16  
Old 9th May 2021, 14:24
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Default Empty promises

-Maybe you will get a lucky break
Maybe you will, maybe you won't.
You could start up
An exercise class for some extra cash
=If I wasn't already knackered, seriously sigh
You just don't get it.
I am capable of having a real career.
You are wrong saying
I will never be anything because of...
If I stay here I won't
Ever reach what I could reach.
You are putting me in an impossible position.
The dust won't settle....
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  #17  
Old 10th May 2021, 14:51
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Default Come hell or high water; this is happening

He said more than once when I pushed him for an answer that he was not just with me because he felt sorry for me. But he didn't have genuine sympathy for me as I never felt it. That's why I knew he was avoiding the question and skirting around it. He wanted a home maker wife where he was in charge. He definitely picked the wrong candidate. He must have known that if the dust did not settle, that I would be miserable in a dead end job while my brain stagnated and I would need more. I will never? I have a brain god d### it! I am dying inside being stuck behind a machine that a robot could be programmed to do. I am tired and getting more depressed as the days go on. I do not owe anyone anything. I should not have been made to feel that I owe a person for simply sticking by me. I will say thank you for giving me back the fire in my belly. But I won't let it go.

Last edited by Spideysenses; 12th May 2021 at 18:28. Reason: Add a title
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  #18  
Old 11th May 2021, 07:00
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Default Why I am perfecting a memoir and why you should write too

To combat the stigma attached to mental health. To contribute to the advancement of psychiatry. To heal my heart and mind. To show how I was smashed to pieces and how long and gruelling the process is to put the puzzle together. To highlight other forms of abuse - verbal, emotional, psychological and controlling behaviour. To write a memoir that isn't tragic but has humour and hope. To follow my heart. To find myself again and confront the ghosts of the past. To show how societal stigma can be the most damaging after effect of a breakdown. To fight back. To kill the elephant in the room. To attack the fear surrounding mental health stigma. For respect. I am worthy. For my future. For everyone who like me has had to battle or will battle stigma.
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  #19  
Old 13th May 2021, 09:34
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Default Re: No stigma, no scapegoating, only working like a dog

I made mistakes. I have worked through the regret. I can't let mistakes and failures define me. I also cannot shoulder all the blame. I was handed a fight I never went looking for.
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  #20  
Old 13th May 2021, 11:22
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Default Re: No stigma, no scapegoating, only working like a dog

You will set up a meeting with my parents to stop me leaving? Go ahead and try. I am not a child. I am a responsible adult unlike them.
You will have me put in hospital?
You honestly think you can do that? What will you tell the doctors? Don't you remember that they ignored my parents and listened to me? I was kept for 28 days. A full recommended rehab stay is seventy days. They won't keep me for two hours once they interview me and see I am fine. Do you realise how evil that is to even contemplate trying? I know my job is dire but I need it! If we moved I would have a better job today!
Why do you always say if I leave I may as well put a noose around your neck? You claim it is just money. Is that only what that means?
We can easily afford holidays and to actually go away at the weekend. Buy hot food for lunch.What is stopping you? Will you apologise for being a prat as soon as we moved into the house? We should have been celebrating being able to have gotten a deposit together. It's not like we had to tighten our belts for that long.You know I will get a better job. I should already have been beginning my career. You don't even try and see how frustrating that is for me.
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  #21  
Old 13th May 2021, 11:34
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Default Re: No stigma, no scapegoating, only working like a dog

We stopped arguing because trying to get an answer out of him was like trying to get blood from a stone. He would not apologise if he would not admit that he had crossed the line in the first place. He truly believed he was a man of high principles who did not need to explain himself to a woman. He did not want a woman who would challenge him. Take me as I am or go to hell. I know he was still young and insecure when he said I would never be anything. But why go to such desperate lengths to avoid saying he was wrong?
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  #22  
Old 13th May 2021, 11:56
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Default Re: No stigma, no scapegoating, only working like a dog

He admitted that we needed both our wages. He would take it back in an instant -but my feel relative can dae your job. He had evidently decided that he wanted me to stay in the rutt where he could call the shots. That no one would believe me over him.
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  #23  
Old 13th May 2021, 12:09
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Default Re: No stigma, no scapegoating, only working like a dog

It was not a question of what I wanted. It was a question of what I needed and what I deserved. I had been in hospital for 28 days. Should I have to carry a millstone around my neck until I die?
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  #24  
Old 15th May 2021, 09:32
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Default Working like a dog

I was crushed enough. Even though I had chosen to write, if it were not for ward thirteen, him adding insult to injury and my unsupportive family, I should have been able to gain better employment. He reeled me in when I was at a low point in my life and I became trapped. But art therapy was not going to show me that just because the people in my past had been unkind and cruel, the future need not be that way. As interesting as Jungs archetypes may be, it was not going to get me out of the rutt or make a dent on the stigma I had endured. I was used to having to work for everything. I was used to tempers flaring. I was used to criticism. I was used to people being too quick to judge. I fought back when anyone tried to bully me. A person who loved me would not be content to have me as a shadow of my former self. But yes I had doubts that no one would have me after that place even if it was only 28 days. A person may see me for who I was but could they put up with the stigma from others? Could I put someone else through that? Would someone else stick up for me? Too many questions. Too much doubt. He made me feel ashamed of my past. And all he did was talk about the past. I needed a future. I didn't need to know what was going to happen in the future. I just needed someone to assure me, I had one. Come rain or shine they would wholeheartedly stand in my corner because I would do the same for them. Not enforce that them and others saw me as nothing but damaged goods.
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  #25  
Old 16th May 2021, 12:02
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Default Not forgetting

Not forgetting being treated with reprehensible flagrant disrespect. His possessiveness turning to control. Disrespect manifesting into abuse. What is worse is that he was being machiavellian because he thought that no one would listen to a woman over him. I wished I had called his bluff. I had the feeling that when I left it was enough to shake him up into knowing he could not treat anyone else that way or they would leave like I had, but he would attempt to take everything else to the grave and fight for dear life, no matter how wrong he was. He enjoyed being feared.
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  #26  
Old 16th May 2021, 15:12
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Default I tried to leave

I knew what he meant. It was not my surname. It was the nuthouse ward. Twenty eight days at eighteen years old. It only made me more determined to fight against this unjust misfortune. It is about taking responsibility for one's actions. I needed someone other than a health professional to give me some positive encouragement and hope. Not a person intent on controlling my life. I tried to end the relationship dozens of times.
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  #27  
Old 16th May 2021, 15:28
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Default Own the pain

I beat myself up for a long time. Practicing self compassion was a long journey. When I look at the big picture, I know I made the right choices. That doesn't mean I made no mistakes. They are countless. I am done with explaining myself. Explaining why. Explaining what would have been better. Done with saying other people had it worse than me. I must own my pain first. No one else can do that for me.
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  #28  
Old 18th May 2021, 14:29
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Default Ikigai philosophy

I do recommend that everyone tries to fit Mindfulness into their lives. I am however growing bored of the fundamental principles of practicing mindfulness. I have been listening to practitioners/authors on the go for years. Eckhartt Tolle, Haenim Sunim, Thich Nhat Hanh to name a handful. I have downloaded books on a Japanese philosophy called Ikigai. My summer audio listening commences.
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  #29  
Old 18th May 2021, 18:16
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Default Had high hopes for feed them to the sharks

4.Shadow Of Myself lyrics
Feed them to the sharks

I've spent my whole damn life
Fighting through adversity
No mountain was too high
I swam the depths of Savage Seas
Now I'm drowning
My dreams are paralyzed
And all that I've been yearning
Is fading like a candle in the night
Can you save me now?
Lift me off the ground
I need you more than ever
Will you save me now?
I'm reaching for the surface
I'm searching for the light
Reach out your hand and save my life
Stay with me, give me the strength
I've got to break away from this nightmare
Every day I look in the mirror
And all I see is a shadow of myself
Can you save me from the deepest darkest dreams?
From the depths of agony?
I will never perish with you by my side
It's time to turn this life around
Pick the pieces off the ground
I'll resurrect the future that belongs to me
I'm never giving up
I will never say goodbye
I'm reaching for the surface
I'm searching for the light
Reach out your hand and save my life
It's everything I live for
I'm fighting for a chance
Reach out and take my hand
Stay with me, give me the strength
I've got to break away from this nightmare
Every day I look in the mirror
And all I see is a shadow of myself
Can you save me now?
Lift me off the ground
I need you more than ever
Will you save me now
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  #30  
Old 21st May 2021, 16:24
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Default At least you can say

I was top of my class until I stopped applying myself. Money would never motivate me to work behind a desk all day. I never worried about the future or what I was going to be. I did however know, that my family were not going to be there to help me. That was one lesson I learned early on.Whatever I chose to do I would be alone to begin with. Writing was the natural choice. Just because it is the path of least resistance, that does not make it the wrong one.
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