How to make friends

[crazyfan]

Im not overly shy anymore, although still quiet, but I just dont really have a clue how to make friends. I have no confidence, people dont particularly wish to know me on a friendship level and I dont think I have very much to talk about compared to others.

I am scared im gonna end up all alone cos Im just useless and have nothing to offer.

Any advice would be grateful.

[custom_fusion-lqx]

this is one thing i find so hard to do and understand, i literally don't know how to make freinds either. Do you approach a random person, how u do it without being creepy?

even on forums i find it seriously hard to make forum friends, it takes me a long time to learn these things and know who likes me and who just finds me annoying.

[Matthew789]

Your situation sounds very similar to mine. I can talk a bit but don't know what to say. Everyone else seems to have a thriving social life already and I don't quite know how to fit in to it. People don't bother inviting me to go out with them because ive said no before and they assume im not interested. Its been so long since I had a friend I think ive forgot how to make them. Is this your problem as well?

Perhaps you could try attending social events? This is hard in my case because the only events are wild parties and nightclubs and this is something I find terrifying and I have no experience. The problem is there is nothing easier avalible really.

[Clockface]

I'm in the same boat guys. I've got some existing friends that I made at university (not sure how I managed it) but since leaving there 10 years ago I can count the number of friends I have made on one hand, and these are people who I hardly see due to them being in other parts of the country. Reading this you are probably thinking my situation doesn't compare to yours but for me it does as the non-SA people I know seem to pick friends up effortlessly, and seem to make several as opposed to just one or two. They probably only have 3-4 friends they class as really close or confidantes, but when it comes to social events they are meeting up with several people. Their Facebook profiles seem to confirm this, as I see threads of conversations they have had and they seem to be adding new friends all the time, ending up with in excess of 200 or so. It is from this that I realise just how crap I am at making new friends. I always thought work was a good place to do this but any apparent rapport I have with anyone doesn't become a friendship, yet they make friends with others in the office.

The only advice I can really offer is a theme I gathered from a making friends book. In summary the author advised to basically talk to people, show an interest in them and keep in regular contact. This is something that I have tried to do so many times but I just cannot for the life of me create that rapport that would make the other person class me as a friend. But this is not surprising when I am SA and so I must look gormless when I am listening to someone when in fact I am feeling anxious because most social interactions for me feel like skating in thin ice. I feel like I'm not human because I am not creating that connection with the other person.

Apologies for the rant but this is a hot topic for me and I'm sure it is for most of us on this forum. I'd love to offer advice but I would just be reeling off the usual 'solutions' i.e. smile, listen, open body language, which I have tried countless times but it doesn't seem to work

[timmytim7]

why don't you all make friends with each other?

just an idea...

i dunno how you make friends either and lately i don't feel very interested in it anyway to be honest


tim

[DarenA37]

It seems like a mission impossible for me as well,

You need to feel comfortable in the situation before you can start being yourself and open up to the possibilities of making friends, but SA stops that from happening!

[Progress]

I think the best way is to find an interest or activity you can get into that involves other people too, and concentrate on that. If you focus on the interest that will probably take some pressure off the social aspect too.
In fact, I would think that most friendships are probably based on a common interest.

[RTAP]

I have to admit, I clicked on this thread because the title looked like a "how to ..." guide sort of thing.

Guess this is the essence of SA though.

I've done ok recently however - mainly because people came up to me last year when I moved to uni and in the closeness of my department have stayed in touch. (I was also forcing myself to try and engage with people in the first week or 2 though, because I realised I didn't have my family to fall back on for company during term anymore - fortunately most people were in the same position).

Still tend to rely on people getting in touch with me though, which probably risks annoying some people I know though.

[Matthew789]

Originally Posted by RTAP

I've done ok recently however - mainly because people came up to me last year when I moved to uni and in the closeness of my department have stayed in touch. (I was also forcing myself to try and engage with people in the first week or 2 though, because I realised I didn't have my family to fall back on for company during term anymore - fortunately most people were in the same position).

How on earth did you manage to socialise at uni?

[Mina]

I also have no real friends. There are a few girls at uni I have lunch with and there are a few people local to me who I see every so often, they aren't "real" friends though - none of them remembered my birthday and they all have other friends they see more often.

I always feel left out, when I see my friends they usually discuss recent times when they have met up and I wasn't even invited. I also get left out because of being a student - because I have no money and no access to a car - they go places I can't afford to go or can't get to because they are far away.

The fact that I have no money and can't travel also prevents me from having hobbies or interests where I might meet new friends, and it's cost me some old friends who just assume I can't be bothered when I can't visit them

[Memory]

Ah, I wish I knew the answer to this.

I graduated last year from uni and no one has kept in touch with me. Not really surprised about that but it sucks that you've been around the same people for three years and you haven't made an impact on anyone. I think part of my problem though is that, because of SA, I don't approach people. So I'm always just waiting around, hoping that someone will strike up a conversation with me. And then, if someone does this, I do all I can to try and avoid another meeting with them! It's stupid. And my conversational skills are lacking somewhat considering I just give minimal responses like 'yeah' and 'ahh' and 'cool'.

Anyway, the common interests thing might work. If you join a club/society or something. It didn't work for me, partially because of some of what I'm interested in tends to attract people I don't get along with. But I think if you do join a club/society, then make sure from your first visit that you talk to people and actually interact. You're more likely to make friends then.

[Leonard_Egan]

I can relate to a lot of this. The thing that really gets me is if I did somehow make some new friends, I don't think I could even be bothered with them most of the time and would make excuses to not see them. Like Memory above me Im big on the yeahs, cools etc. I wouldnt wanna spend time with me most of the time either.

[mumoftwo]

Hi

This is another subject close to my heart. I'm not good at making friends and nor am I good at keeping them! I am obsessed bout not having any friends. Some people do seem to think I'm lovely or nice but if I make close friends with them I end up finding their faults, being irritated by them & then not wanting to see them! Either that or they don't like me for whatever reason.

What I can't work out is is everyone like that or just SA sufferers or people with 'issues'?

When I'm depressed I don't even want to see people anyway cos it seems like to much of an effort to pretent to be happy. All in all the whole friendship issue is always a problem - making them, keeping them, not wanting to see them, not liking them or them not liking me!!!

x

[RTAP]

Originally Posted by Matthew789

How on earth did you manage to socialise at uni?

It was hard, but most of the people I know at uni, I meet in the first week, when I was determind to find someone to talk to in the absence of family and to make a new start.

Most of them introduced themselves to me and put the effort into getting to know me (I guess because they also wanted someone to talk to) and then they introduced me to the people they had met - I'm much better once I get to know people (still very anxious in a big group but I can be ok in a group of 3 or so if I know them well enough).

My department is also quite small and organised a lot of events in the first few weeks to help people to meet each other and settle people into the department.



Basically lots of help, but I still prefer to stay in my flat most of the time if I can - though I think I'm also getting more confident in social situations as well.

[willow66]

why dont you take up a new hobbie or volunteer...

[Kodanshi Helcarver]

Originally Posted by Progress

I think the best way is to find an interest or activity you can get into that involves other people too, and concentrate on that. If you focus on the interest that will probably take some pressure off the social aspect too.
In fact, I would think that most friendships are probably based on a common interest.

Exactly this. Sign up for free (or cheap) classes for all sorts of things: painting, salsa dancing, land reclamation from swamps, whatever you fancy. That way you can interact with other people without it looking creepy — because you’re not simply approaching a random person on the street.

In addition, once you do a few lessons, you can move onto something else and that means that whatever interests people have, you will have at least something to talk about .

By the way, I made friends via Salsa Dancing (it felt so wretchedly embarrassing at first, but really gets you moving your hips!), and a book club at my local library.

Oh, and drinking. But that’s a different kettle of fish.

[aVoice2use]

Sotry of my life too - have done it and still find it hard and the cause of much of my sadness, fear, loneliness and anxiety. Yet it is great when it haoppens.

Wish so much I could exlain it, understand and feel I had some kind of grip on it.

[Marzipen]

Originally Posted by Matthew789

How on earth did you manage to socialise at uni?

Top tip: completely avoid anyone you already know for the first two weeks in any new group situation!

Don't fall into the trap like I did of going round with a friend from school who I already knew, it got in the way of meeting new people and so I didn't make any new friends. It doesn't take long for groups to form and they get stronger and stronger and harder to break into. I ended up surrounded by strangers who all seemed to know each other and stuck with one friend (from the same school) who I came to despise. Uni was such a hoot for me in consequence, NOT.

[crazyfan]

Originally Posted by willow66

why dont you take up a new hobbie or volunteer...

I have tried that but when you just dont know how to make friends and be natural around people its hard to gain anything worthwhile out of it, yet others seem to just do it so naturally and it makes me really upset that what is wrong with me.

[Reppyboyo]

I only have about 1 friend left which I am close to, primarily as we are somewhat in the same boat so can relate to each other a lot. We met during our hobby (airsoft) which also provides much more banter.

I find my problem is firstly approaching people, say in a pub or club and from there I still cant hold a conversation which leads to my second problem:
I cant do small talk, hearing the same inane drivel about the weather or what was on tv last night drives me insane. I much prefer a decent conversation over something worthwhile!

[Clockface]

Originally Posted by crazyfan

I have tried that but when you just dont know how to make friends and be natural around people its hard to gain anything worthwhile out of it, yet others seem to just do it so naturally and it makes me really upset that what is wrong with me.

Good point. I once joined an outdoor pursuits club in the hope of creating a social life in my local area but I just couldn't make friends. Its as if its a magic trick. Anyway I've since given up said club and now I'm just waiting for miracles to happen.

[Clockface]

Originally Posted by Charlotte.

Sometimes starting with small talk, even if it is about the weather, can lead to further discussions about other things.

Well said Charlotte, but easier said than done when you're anxious & not happy in yourself