Trying To Reconnect With Old Friend!

[toughbird]

Hi everyone, hope you are safe.

I had a friend who was also my ex. We split up two years ago. We used to work together as well. My friend suffers with depression and a high level of anxiety. Is a loner. Cares very much about his friends.

In December 2018, When I left the job, another colleague left as well. We were his social group as well. My friend was such a lover of Facebook. This was his main source of connection to friends he doesn't see in person. I noticed after I left, his facebook friends list started to decrease rapidly. He was removing a lot of friends so quickly.

Four months after leaving the job, our friendship contact decreased rapidly as well. If I rang, texted or sent him FB messages. He wouldn't reply. It did hurt massively. He was a friend and most likely because his my ex, I valued our friendship and wanted to maintain contact every now and again.

I was invited to a mutual colleague's party in April last year which I attended. The next day, my ex deleted our mutual friend from FB due to not being invited to the party. Obviously he was upset.

I maintained contact but again rarely got a reply. When I got a new phone and a new number, I texted him my number to which he texted me back under one minute to thank me.

The next month, I invited him out for a drink to which he replied back saying, no thanks. I was really hurt with this response. But I accepted his reply.

The next month, I began to feel drained by the lack of replies back from my friend. After seeing him share a post on another friend's wall, I got so hurt and angry and deleted him off my facebook friends list. I sent him some hurtful messages saying how upset I was. How much I had enough of getting no replies and how he has lost another friend. He had another friend who ended their friendship around ten years ago to which he was very hurt by. He often asked about her through mutual friends hoping she would reconsider the friendship but she never returned to the friendship.

After I ended our friendship, I felt bad with my reply. I sent him another facebook friend's request to which he declined. I rang him to which he answered the phone. Didn't speak but listened. I was so shocked that he had finally answered the phone after months of not answering his phone or making any contact with me. I stuttered with words and a few moments of silence, he hung up the phone.

Over the next few weeks, I tried reaching out. Phone kept ringing out. I sent him a birthday card in July but he didn't make any contact with me.

I left it a few months and saw him in the street. As soon as he saw me, his face was filled with anger and pain. I tried to talk to him and he kept saying he didn't want to talk to me. He even lied by saying his now with a new girl. He doesn't want to be friends with me nor wants to get back together. That after I left, I had said goodbye and that was it. I was really hurt but respected this. Somehow in the back of my mind, I felt he was deliberately saying this to project his pain on to me. He knows the things to say to get back at me to hurt me. I spoke to a mutual friend who assured me he hasn't met anyone and is currently remaining as a loner. In fact, his become even more isolated.

I reached out to inform that I am working in his neighbourhood and we can friends and hang out. He read the message but didn't reply.

I later found out, he removed another close friend of his in November last year after they didn't invite him out for a group meet up. I knew him doing this, was drastic. He was always the person who wanted to maintain friendships and would get incredibly hurt with the thought of losing his friends. To go from that to now, easily cutting off friends - was huge.

Four months passed and I saw him in the streets in Feb this year. As soon as he saw me, he displayed anger again and displayed paranoia (most likely from being socially isolated). I sent him a facebook message to inform how I was and how happy I am in life. It came up as seen but he didn't reply.

I understand his maintained facebook contact by sharing posts on the other colleague's wall.

Now with this cornavirus, it made me realise how precious life is and how anyone can die or get hurt from it. This prompted me to reach out to try to make one final attempt as it may make him realise how life is too short to hold grudges. If anything good can come from this, we can patch things up and be friends. I sent him a message and advised him not to hold any grudges. Find it in his heart to forgive. That I was sorry and I really want us to put things right. I even informed that I would send him a friend's request which I did but cancelled due to fear of rejection. I'm not sure if I would be able to handle that pain. He saw the message again but didn't reply.

I'm not sure on whether to re-send another friend's request and see what happens. I was even willing to send a message with some banter. Heaven forbid, if something happened to either one of us, I'd rather know I have tried but not sure. I do miss our friendship.

I do believe he still cares. He hasn't blocked me on facebook. He still reads my messages and has my mobile number still otherwise why else wouldn't he answer his phone when he sees it's me.

His a very highly sensitive soul and holds on to grudges for years against people who have hurt him.

Any thoughts?

[Aelwyn]

https://healthpsychologyconsultancy....-white-knight/

This is an article about "rescuers" - do you think it might apply to you?

[Dougella]

I agree with biscuits. When you have reached out to someone multiple times and they have not wanted to stay in contact you really just have to accept that. I realise it might be hurtful and it might take some time for you to get used to.

[toughbird]

My nan died from this virus today. I didn't get to say goodbye. Somehow with my friend, It made me determinded to want to reach out to my friend. I have so much I want to say to him. I have waited almost a year and with this cornavirus, I really want him to know. Because you don't know when your last day could be.

[twosocks]

My thoughts are unfortunately full of tough love.

Dude you need to nope out of this and have some self discipline. Dont read into their behaviour. Persistently contacting someone that is being avoidant will squick them and is squicky in general. They know you're there for them, you've already let them know that several times. Silence is an answer in itself.They might not want to spend time around you or anyone but thats not your business and you need to accept that. It sounds like you're not accepting that. Its like trying to hold onto a cat that doesnt want to be stroked they're just going to get even more irritated and leap away further.
In the mean time i would maybe look into the differences of responding and reacting to stuff. Might help with more mutual friendships that you can be happier with.

[toughbird]

Originally Posted by Raks1981

It isn't your job to keep trying. You've tried plenty. It's clear from this person's actions that they don't value your friendship.

It's time to move on, meet new people, make new friends.

Whatever happens to this person isn't your responsibility. You're not his Mother. Does this person care that you are upset? No.

There are other people who will appreciate your friendship. Friendships are suppose to be mutual.

Whatever you've had with him In the past, is In the PAST. Today is now.

Coronavirus doesn't change anything. If so, why isn't he having a change of heart? If he cared about you, he could quite easily say "I'm sorry, but I'm not in a place right now where I can be friends with you. I do appreciate your friendship, perhaps In the future we could be friends again" . Instead of blanking you.

This will destroy your self esteem. If your paths are destined to cross again, then they will. But it should come from him, you've done more then enough. And you can live with that.

I totally agree with you. Please believe me, I'm not reaching out to get a reply when in my heart - I know he won't reply to it. But I need to know I have said these things and he has got it. It's trapped inside and now, I need to release it in case things change. I just want a chance to be heard and what he chooses to do with that - is his choice. I've spent the past year sorting myself out and am in a more healthy place.

I'd rather know he is aware and then I can leave it with him.

[toughbird]

It would appear he has got rid of my number. I rang him and he answered the phone. He asked who is it? As soon as I said my name, I heard him say, "oh **** off" before hanging up.

At least I know his response instead of wasting my time writing out a letter. I won't be doing this. I have my answer.

[twosocks]

Hun he's not worth it. Don't do this to yourself.

[toughbird]

Originally Posted by jigglypuff

Hun he's not worth it. Don't do this to yourself.

It hurts!

I rang back and left a voicemail message to ask for all my stuffs back that I bought for him. Just don't know why he hates me that much.

[Dougella]

I think sending him a message to express your thoughts might have been a good idea, but obviously the response from you calling him shows how he feels. I don't think can ask for things back that you bought him either, I know you feel hurt but you need to just stop all contact now.

[twosocks]

I understand it hurts but the more you feed this the more painful it will be. I remember your posts from last year. Stop finding excuses to contact them. You dont need any objects from them. Any of that pettiness is beneath you. You dont need to know why they've behaved that way its nothing to do with you anymore. Your self esteem and relationships/friendships with others in the present are what matters. Give yourself time to breathe and delete everything and anything.dont contact them.

[Gosties]

I agree with the other posters that it's time to give up rekindling some forlorn friendship.
You seem to have put a great amount of effort in for very little reply.
Their response speaks volumes about their attitude towards your actions.
Probably better to commit your time and energy on people who appreciate you.
Sometimes you just have to walk away and leave them to it.
You can at least look back and think at least I tried to fix things.

[blancmange]

Some really great and supportive replies here. I have been through something similar but the way this person has responded to you, should be enough closure for you.
You deserve to be friends with someone who actually wants to be your friend.

[toughbird]

Thanks guys - I think this is exactly the case. I mean, to answer the phone and after realising it was me. To speak to me in that tone was just nasty. Seeing me in the street and showing anger full of hate. Nah, I don't chose to be like that. I guess the isolation has screwed him up. A lucky escape on my end for sure.

[toughbird]

I sincerely wish I had friends like you all in person. Every person that has replied to my post has really lifted my spirits and raised my self esteem. Reading all your replies has been like therapy for me. I appreciate you all very much.

I won't be making any further contact with my ex friend. I'm worth so much more.

[Utopia]

Yeah, I guess I think its great that you kept trying, but I guess this guy is so offended by something you said or did in the past and is incapable of forgiveness.

Tbh, people are imperfect, I mean perfect is something we can only ever strive for at best. Forgiveness is so important, and if he is incapable of forgiving you for whatever you did to hurt him, then I guess it is a lost cause. It really sounds like it's him and not you though, and you are right about people kind of dishing out this kind of ghosting behaviour when they are really hurting themselves.

I have a situation like this with an ex that was also a genuine friend of mine who hurt me by breaking up with me, but once the dust had settled and my anger subsided I had basically also lost a friend, who was now just trying to please her new partner, so it makes it difficult given she is so deluded by things. Unfortunately sometimes people do project their insecurities onto others and for some reason want people feeling rejected and unwanted like they do.

Maybe just move on from the situation if he wants to reject you, you could also give it a few months of no interaction with him, it might be a case of his anger at you breaking up with him or jealousy at being with a new partner that I guess you could try respecting, and then try once more, but tbh I think chances are slim so just end on a nice note and leave it at that.

[toughbird]

Originally Posted by Utopia

Yeah, I guess I think its great that you kept trying, but I guess this guy is so offended by something you said or did in the past and is incapable of forgiveness.

Tbh, people are imperfect, I mean perfect is something we can only ever strive for at best. Forgiveness is so important, and if he is incapable of forgiving you for whatever you did to hurt him, then I guess it is a lost cause. It really sounds like it's him and not you though, and you are right about people kind of dishing out this kind of ghosting behaviour when they are really hurting themselves.

I have a situation like this with an ex that was also a genuine friend of mine who hurt me by breaking up with me, but once the dust had settled and my anger subsided I had basically also lost a friend, who was now just trying to please her new partner, so it makes it difficult given she is so deluded by things. Unfortunately sometimes people do project their insecurities onto others and for some reason want people feeling rejected and unwanted like they do.

Maybe just move on from the situation if he wants to reject you, you could also give it a few months of no interaction with him, it might be a case of his anger at you breaking up with him or jealousy at being with a new partner that I guess you could try respecting, and then try once more, but tbh I think chances are slim so just end on a nice note and leave it at that.

I ended the friendship with him because I had enough of being the one making contact and not getting anything in return. You don't treat a friend badly and then expect the friend to remain as a friend. I ended the friendship and this seemed to have hurt him.

As for this new partner, last time I heard she was a lesbian. Even then it wasn't confirmed he has a new partner for sure.

Either way, his loss, my gain.

[Utopia]

^ Well you also said you sent him angry messages for posting on someone's facebook, yet later on you still wanted to talk to him. Well maybe he didn't understand that kind of reaction? I mean I've reacted like that before and I feel ashamed with myself afterwards - just terrible.

Everyone is different though, people react in different ways and unless we are them, we won't understand it; just try to be at peace, because everyone gains from peace.