Facebook makes me feel depressed

[NikNox]

I look at people's profiles and see all of my friends have loads of friends on their profiles, and seem really outgoing, bubbly and sociable. I try not to compare myself but it makes me feel really inadequate and quiet – even though I seemed to have got over some of that recently...

[sunshower]

Yeah, I feel the same way. I think it can be a bit of an illusion though. Just approve everyone you know and put up a bunch of photos of a group of you out somewhere and it seems like you have tons of friends. i'm sure some of the "cyber popular" people you see are just normal people in real life.

[Medea]

Yep, same for me. I joined to speak to a couple of old friends. They all seem to have 10+ friends, unlike me.

[WalkinTall]

I've got a fair few people in my Facebook friends list although nowhere near as many as some. The only people I speak to on there though are the friends I still see on a regular basis.

Its a bit depressing seeing what some of my childhood friends are up to now. Many seem to have very fulfilling jobs, in relationships etc. I keep my employment/relationship status well hidden!

I think its by far the best of all the networking sites though. Never liked Myspace myself,looks cheap compared to Facebook. More of a friends reunited kind of vibe which I like, nostalgia and all that.

[saj]

Hi, I’m new and have just registered . Your message really struck a chord with me. I feel really down when I see how popular and sociable people I know are. I have tried researching on the internet about this and have found that others also feel like this. One thing I read was that facebook is just a way for people to express to their vanity online. I think that is both right and wrong, some people just use it to talk to a few of their close friends, but some people really abuse it, and add people they barely know. I know one person who had about 250 people on his list, I asked him if it was his birthday how many of them would say happy birthday, he said I make a good point!

[Cellardweller]

Guilt: paralysing form of self-torture; seeing one's imperfections and believing improvement is beyond possibilities.
- Scepticism/being over-critical; unrealistic expectation of perfection, reasoning that, "I am not perfect, so I'm worthless". Scepticism and cynicism are sometimes called "crystallised forms of anger", and can be detrimental to yourself, as you may only be focussing on faults of yourself, and rarely allow yourself to enjoy good things. In cynicism, the fear and distrust are taken one step further, thinking, "They are imperfect, they are worthless".
- Unforgiving: unrealistic expectation of perfection, reasoning that "People should be perfect, I and others are not perfect, and no one can be forgiven for not being perfect."
- "I could never do this, I can only ...": focus on my own limits rather than on my possibilities for growth and improvement. "I am not perfect" may be very true, but is that not the best possible reason for trying to improve oneself in a disciplined manner by being positive and helping others?
- Self-shame: keeping secrets about oneself: "I am disgusting, strange, weird, stupid, ugly". This creates a negative spiral, "others never talk about it, so I must be really weird"; based on the delusion: "I should be perfect, because others are".
- Pride: if one is genuinely self-confident, there is no need for pride; only an empty balloon can be 'blown up'. It is based on the unrealistic view: "Others should be perfect and are not, but I am better". To cover up their own insecurity, a fair amount of people act out pride, as if they are better than others, but only because they lack self-confidence.
- Improper humility: not regarding oneself as equal to others, but less than others. Humility is a positive quality as it avoids pride and is other-centered, often driven by active compassion for others. Lack of self-confidence however, is often self-centred (feeling sorry for oneself and looking for excuses to not change your own situation) and paralyses you from doing positive actions. In fact, this kind of false humility is categorised under pride.
- Idolising people: overestimating others is based on - or will easily lead to - underestimating oneself, see improper humility.
- Fear, uncertainty to: make mistakes, be abnormal, not be liked, change, be hurt or of responsibility. Fear closes the heart and mind off from the outside; leaving you alone! Based on the misunderstanding: "I should be perfect", which is simply unrealistic.
- Acting to be a perfect person instead of being myself: if I am self-confident, I don't need to behave like someone else; see pride. Instead of leading to praise, others may easily pierce through the facade and uncover my acting.

- Feeling: "the world is a bad place"; note that the world is often a mirror of what we think of ourselves; a negative world image and negative self-image can be two sides of the same coin; reflects expectation of an unrealistic perfect world. The world is neither perfect nor all bad.
- Laziness: (in Buddhism defined as "being attached to temporary pleasure, not wanting to do virtue or only little".) The reason for this kind of laziness could be based on the fear responsibility or making mistakes, based on the unrealistic:"I should be perfect and not make mistakes, so I better do nothing at all".
- Depression: indulging in self-pity, closed-heartedness: based on "I am not perfect and therefore pitiful".
- Lack of trust in others; when you never open your heart to others, it is hard for them to open their hearts to you. Without this openness, we are likely to start asking ourselves if we are 'normal' without getting any feedback. At the same time, when we do not open our heart to others, they will usually not open their hearts to us. In that way, we never discover that others struggle with the same problems as we ourselves do. Real communication will simply prove there is nothing to be ashamed of to begin with - we are all humans.

[Jules07]

I got really into Facebook for a month or so, and even started getting competitive with how many mates i had.

actually, people just add all kind of acquaintances onto their friends page, and they're probably only real friends with about ten of them, maximum.

people have even started a facebook group called not everyone listed as a friend on my friends page is really a friend.

it is a bit of a popularity contest, and thats the silliness of it really, people showing off to each other about how well-connected they are.

but thats just image, its not real. if you had one really good friend, it would be better than having 80 casual acquaintances who dont really know you.

we live in a culture that superficially applauds popularity, that thinks you can value a person by how many friends they have. thats why youre feeling shame at not having as many Facebook mates as others, because the implication is that this somehow makes you a disfunctional or even a BAD person.

you have to recognize thats a bullshit way of seeing the world, that your illness is part of that, and go beyond it.

its better to be true to yourself, to accept yourself, rather than nervously surround yourself with strangers just so you look good to other people. whats more important - accepting yourself and being happy or looking good to other people?

[Marzipan]

I got as far as the intro page and decided it wasn't a good idea )

[Peyre]

I despise these sites.

Okay, yes some people use them to stay in contact with friends they know. mobile Phones, MSN, Email? Why can't people use them, rather than publicising everything about themselves on a fully available public profile, complete with pictures and the catch all phrase in their blurd (just luv avin a laff with ma mates, lyk going clubbing etc etc)

What I do hate is the people who keep the little message history thing on the right hand side (myspace) public. I mean, I can't see the attraction of other people reading conversations between the profile holder and freinds, other than for egotistical purposes. Oh look I wen't out at the weekend and had a great time etc etc, I'm going out with blah blah. Look at all these people wishing me happy birthday and saying how sexy i look.

Keep it private ffs.

Grrrr.

Okay I know I may sound a bit hypocritical. I could just block every social networking site, but I'm sort of pressured into it my other friends for my old school (the days when SA was just an unknown abbreviation)

Sorry about the rant, it must be my age. Approaching the dreaded 19.

[Milly]

I'm only on Myspace and it always makes me feel so worthless that I hardly ever look at it now. It makes me feel really inadequate and inferior to the popular people. And seeing how much my friends have achieved with their photos of fun times and holidays makes it worse.
Also I get really down that my friends have real people as friends whereas I just have a lot of my favourite bands.

To makes things harder, my close email friend now only exists on Myspace so I'm forced to log in sometimes. It's highlighted a whole new side of them, with all the 'Great weekend, omg it was so fun' type messages. So I'm left feeling like the online friend with nothing in common with their 'real life'.

I guess these 'social' sites are just online extensions of our real life fears and problems.

Hmm, I feel a thought record coming on..

[RachaelHale]

I hate to see the pictures of all my old friends from school on things like facebook and myspace. Theres always loads of pictures of them with lots of friends, on nights out at clubs, on holidays, and i do get quite jealous becuase i wish i could be doing all that. I do get quite envious sometimes

[ClaireLou]

I feel exactly the same way...I just feel as though I'm missing out!

I despise the sites which show others' lives and what they're getting up to, but really I know I shouldn't go on them because I become even more depressed.

I'm very happy with my life at the moment though. I have a boyfriend who I love lots and lots...so things aren't as bad as they were before.

[Dogmonkey]

I felt the same when I first started using it... But then I realised that all these people have negative aspects to their lives too, it's just that they're unlikely to talk about it on Facebook...

[AnxietyAnnie]

Hi just got here.

I signed up to this forum to post about this specific issue, and thanks very much for starting it.

Basically, I am getting into quite a state about Facebook. It doesn't make sense why it's getting to me so much. But it's pressing buttons in me that haven't been pressed since I left school and that was a very very long time ago.

I was never very popular at school - too weird, too geeky, too different. But since I left school, everything's more or less been okay. I'm popular enough, have friends, a nice life, a lovely boyfriend.

But Facebook has really got to me! It's fostering a deep-seated sense of inadequacy I guess was always there, waiting to pop up and bite me again. I'm back in the playground, watching everyone else having a much better time than me and I'm trying really hard not to cry because it's so embarrassing to care so much.

But we all leave school, eventually. Don't we? Seems we never leave the playground though, do we?

Basically, I think it's a horrible place and I wish I'd never joined. I can't tell you how relieved I am others feel the same.

Thanks.

[Snail]

facebook is for *******

it's like wearing your wallet on a chain on your neck. nobody cares about these people or their friends or their shitty messages

stop letting ******* make you feel bad

[AnxietyAnnie]

Thanks Snail!

You're right of course and I'll try.

Though I wouldn't call the people on Facebook *******. I guess it works for them. Some people love it. I think some people even say it's addictive. But how can it be? I mean, what's to be addicted to? It's so unbelievably naff! And here I am getting upset about it. Ridiculous, isn't it?

[Snail]

i don't see why anyone would like to brag about their internet friends unless they're insecure as hell and dishonest to themselves about their insecurity = *******

[Peyre]

I've signed up.....I was being pressured by a couple of friends, they'll want a picture soon though..

You've probably all read my rant. I think I was being far too cynical. I need to get over my pride, and I think signing up will help. The novelty will wear off I spose. It Depends how you use it really. I've now caught up with some old friends, and people who I've constantly pushed away even after leaving high school.

I've seen how people have changed (personality and looks), one's thing for sure they all seem to drink, and I don't, and I've caught up with amazing friends I made, with many memories, back in the days where I was a shy BUT Secure kid.

I've made some friends at work this year and they will be leaving (outside of London), I want to stay in touch, this will be a nice way.

I think Facebook is better than Myspace though. You can do invites to events and things, so you can stay in the loop. I will hide my chatbox and things like that and keep them to friends only.

All of the people I've added I would consider to be on good terms with. I would enjoy their company again. Only a handful are really close however. Some I've know since Elementary, and used to be closed to, yet got spaced further and further from them as our educational lives went a different way.

Maybe subconsciously I've also used it as a means of acceptance from certain people. Are they still interested in me, like I am in them for instance? The response has been entirely positive so far, so it has given me a reasonable boost. You can't dismiss that. These people know I'm not a nutter who goes out every night until I'm legless, maybe they expect me to change, but they recognised my morals uniqueness in the first place. I was always balanced as a kid. I don't have to prove anything to them by adding as many people as possible.

Heck I even found a teacher from my sixth form. She was an amazing inspiration and was supportive from day one. I know she'd like to hear from me again, so I added her. I would never of done something like that a year ago. It shows I'm making progress, no?

[Punxsutawney Phil]

My flatmates all use Facebook. One of them went out and celebrated her birthday the other day and uploaded lots of drunk, smiley, party pictures when she got back. It seems to me this is what the majority of people use facebook for, and it's as though the focus and priority is on the demonstration of what you do with your life to others, rather than what you do with you life! I think people are desperate to be seen to have a life.

Myspace is similar. I canceled my music site because I just checked the darn thing all the time and wasn't focusing on my music. Bands go around inviting 'friends' and building up a fake fanbase, because apparently there are music industry scouts who reguraly check the site for popular unsigned bands.

[Effervescing Elephant]

I tried out Friends Reunited a couple of years ago and found it horribly depressing seeing loads of people who mocked me at school parading their achievements and possessions.

I find that it's always the people i grew up with that I end up comparing myself to, even though I know I shouldn't

I try telling myself that it could all be lies and spin but somehow that just rings hollow.

If Facebook is similar then I will stay well away.

It's been comforting to read this thread and know that I'm not the only person affected in this way though.

[AnxietyAnnie]

Originally Posted by Effervescing Elephant

I find that it's always the people i grew up with that I end up comparing myself to, even though I know I shouldn't

I try telling myself that it could all be lies and spin but somehow that just rings hollow. If Facebook is similar then I will stay well away.

It's been comforting to read this thread and know that I'm not the only person affected in this way though.

I found this thread a great comfort too. We do inevitably compare ourselves with others, don't we? Can't help it I suppose. Human nature. And we inevitably compare, as we see it, 'up' don't we? Never do the old count your blessings thing, others are worse. Hard to see that though when you're in a trough of despair.

I don't like Facebook because it shows so boldly how many 'friends' you have. I know some must be internet friends, therefore not the real thing. But I get the impression a lot of people are catching up with genuine, real, friends from real life and though I do have lots of those - honest! - none of them seem to be on Facebook!

Mind you, I also don't have the kind of friends who send those ghastly round robin Christmas letters either. Perhaps I should count my blessings that I have lots of real friends who find no need for internet so-called social networking that is actually nothing of the kind?

Food for thought?

Thanks again guys. This place shows what the internet really IS good at, don't you think?

[black_mamba]

Originally Posted by Dogmonkey

I felt the same when I first started using it... But then I realised that all these people have negative aspects to their lives too, it's just that they're unlikely to talk about it on Facebook...

Exactly, facebook and its ilk are very misrepresentative glimpses of people's lives. When you start comparing yourself its useful to remind yourself of this fact.

A lot of people (sorry, but its mainly teenagers) do use these sites as a blatant popularity contest so you will see an unrealistic number of 'friends'.

Originally Posted by Snail

facebook is for *******

it's like wearing your wallet on a chain on your neck. nobody cares about these people or their friends or their shitty messages

stop letting ******* make you feel bad

Well, I see what you're trying to say, as in don't let anyone else make you feel bad, but calling anyone who uses the site a ****** is just being bitter, don't you think? There is no need to insult everyone who uses these sites, as a lot of them do use it simply to keep in touch with mates.

The only thing I see as pointless on these sites is the friends count. Knowing the amount of contacts someone has seems useless, but having a list of them is good if you want to track down friends-of-friends.

[Snail]

the idea of it is ********. i bet there's other ways to keep in touch with mates. i don't feel the need to post my emails or text messages on public sites

i'm not calling ALL the people who use it ******** obviously since i don't know them all personally and intuition tells me there must be some intelligent people there etc etc

but u get my drift

[Louise]

I don't want anything to do with social networking sites. I don't want my old friends/acquaintances to know what a stunted loser I turned out to be. (I'm too scared to even google myself, as if it would turn up anything!) Even when I do crawl out of this rut I'm in, I still won't want anything to do with myspace/facebook hell.

Can ya tell I'm in a crappy mood tonight?

[AnxietyAnnie]

I'm sure you're not a stunted loser Louise! You mustn't talk about yourself that way.

As for a Google search not showing anything, remember, Google can only show what's on the net! It can't see into the real us, what's really been going on in our lives - and I, for one, as a privacy-loving freak, am rather grateful for that!

I'm sure your comments and posts here are welcomed and enjoyed by many. You are NOT a loser! And you know how I know this? Cos you want nothing to do with social networking sites - bloody good on you girl!

xx

[Snail]

Originally Posted by AnxietyAnnie

Google can only show what's on the net! It can't see into the real us, what's really been going on in our lives

haha this was pretty great

[AnxietyAnnie]

Why thank you Snail!

[Louise]

Originally Posted by AnxietyAnnie

You are NOT a loser! And you know how I know this? Cos you want nothing to do with social networking sites - bloody good on you girl!

xx

Literally LOL! Thanks. I really do need to work on these feelings of worthlessness. They're not doing me a lick of good.

Now that I'm in a better state of mind: I think it's fine that other people enjoy myspace/facebook. I just hate it when they try to pressure/shame me into signing up. Do not want!!! I'm sure I'm not the only one here who's just as shy on the internet as they are in everyday life. I haven't even used an IM client in years - they make me feel claustrophobic. When I did use them, I kept my away message on all the time. My younger cousin spends all day on myspace and IM. She's a fascinating specimen.

In conclusion, while I don't really have a lot of firsthand experience with social networking sites, they represent a narcissistic zeitgeist that depresses me.

[AnxietyAnnie]

Originally Posted by Louise

Literally LOL! Thanks. I really do need to work on these feelings of worthlessness. They're not doing me a lick of good.

You're very welcome! I'm glad I made you laugh.

I just made the mistake of checking in - I do that once a day, at the end of the day. Like I say, mistake, BIG mistake. Yet more 'friends' have signed up more 'friends'. Why does this bother, me? WHY? It's ridiculous. I really should go outside more and not bother with Facebook.

As it just might be useful for my work, I have promised myself I will stay on till at least Sept, maybe Oct. Till the holiday season is over. Give the place a chance to work for me. Then, if it still makes me feel this way, I'm gonna press that delete button and I'm gonna enjoy doing that sooooo much. In fact, I Can't Wait!

Originally Posted by Louise

Now that I'm in a better state of mind: I think it's fine that other people enjoy myspace/facebook....

In conclusion, while I don't really have a lot of firsthand experience with social networking sites, they represent a narcissistic zeitgeist that depresses me.

Well, quite!

Again, thanks, and remember WE aren't the ones who are the losers...

[SCREAM]

Facebook is good and bad.

For me its been good because ive learned how all my school buddies are getting on, and im happy they are happy which warms the old cockles. i only add people i know, have known well in past.
Dont read too much into it, we all have our problems, every single one of us. the reason most of you are so depressed is cos you're talking and not doing.
One of the biggest shocks for me is one of the nerdy guys in my class is now going out with the hottest girl that i fancied throughout my teenage life! i wouldnt have learned this without facebook, but im happy for the guy, jammy bugger!

Its bad only if you get sucked in by it and let yourself feel inadequate...you gets me!?