Getting out of an invitation

[Nanuq]

Hi,
my sister got (re) married over Christmas. She lives abroad so I barely see her and ordinarily very rarely see extended family. I got quite drunk at her wedding and chatted with two of my cousins mostly. At the time they said we should get together more often and, being drunk and it being a vague notion, I said that would be great.
But yesterday one of them made a group chat on facebook for the three of us and is trying to organise a lunch.
I, I can't eat and drink in front of other people.
2, It's about an hour away in Cheshire in an area I've never driven to.
3, I don't know how to pay separately because I've never been for lunch like that
4, I can't make conversation without my face burning up, which is too embarrassing to put myself through.

I already said it "would be lovely" because I didn't want to seem rude, but now I have to say I won't be able to go, even though the day is flexible and I really don't know how

[Mr. Nobody]

It's a difficult one,

I'm thinking the best bet is to come up with something later,
If you say straight off the bat that you don't feel up to it, that would close down the entire group-chat opportunity

If things were fine, would you want to spend time with your distant cousins, or do you not really feel inclined either way?
Can you see these relationships going the distance and being quite fun and an opportunity to expand your support network?

Your husband could drop you off at the train station?
You don't have to eat, you could simply nurse a drink,
Your red face could be excused for numerous reasons.

If you leave things till nearer the time you could say your husband is working and one of your children is Ill and you are looking after him?
There's lots of plausible reasons out there.

[Aelwyn]

I'm sorry you're in this position, I would find it very hard too.

Just a couple of thoughts:

Would it be possible for you to get some medication from your GP? Although of course that might make it difficult for you to drive yourself to the meeting.

Would it be easier for you if your husband went along with you?

You could come up with an excuse, but they might try to arrange another meeting. If you continue to make excuses you would need to be prepared for the relationships to cool off.

PS. It is possible to buy cosmetics to hide redness - I had a friend who naturally had a very rosy face, and there was some kind of slightly greenish foundation she bought which worked well for her.

Also - paying separately should not be a problem, you all just ask for separate bills, or else you agree to share the bill three ways.

[The Devil, Probably.]

Usually when people say "we must meet up" at a forced gathering, such as a wedding, it's really just a social pleasantry of the moment that goes nowhere. Sods law for the socially anxious that here someone has actually meant it and acted on it.

I don't know how to get out of it. My approach to such things would be (would be being underlined, opposed to is) to avoid, avoid, avoid dealing with it until the ship has sailed. Can you act as if you've not even seen the Facebook message?

[Dougella]

^ Or simply say your health is not good at the moment and you don't think you can manage it, or that things are very busy and you don't think you'll have time in the near future.

[Nanuq]

Thank you for the replies, I really appreciate it. I feel very upset about it all, for reasons which are far too complex to bore everyone with, but is to do with my own mum and in particular her relationship with one of the cousins (they see each other/speak most days because of horse related things)
The other cousin I think I've seen four times in my adult life?
@Mr Nobody, I would like to spend time with them in a different life, one where I don't have to pretend that my mum wasn't neglectful and abusive. I don't really like any family gatherings as they're all based on lies.
@Aelwyn, sadly I can't take anxiety meds anymore, because of other medication I take. It has made this kind of thing even harder. I do wear the greeny foundation!! But I suppose I don't trust it enough!
@TDP, That was my initial plan, but apparently when you read a message on facebook the other person is notified that you've seen it. I did think of just deleting facebook, but then I'd lose the support groups I'm in.
@Dougella, that's kind of what I've said. I know if I left it I would get more and more anxious about it and I already feel sick, so I just sent a very short message saying "sorry, I don't feel up to this, but thank you for inviting me and have a lovely time". I just hope they don't try and postpone it to a time they think I will be up to it.

I feel really upset by the whole thing. I think because, like I said earlier, any contact with family is based on lies. So really I'd like to have relationships with cousins and in particular my sister but to do so I'd have to pretend to be someone I'm not. Which I obviously do sometimes, but it's a bit too overwhelming at the moment.

[Nanuq]

Hi,
I just wanted to give a little update, in that I got a reply and could initially only see the words "I very much...."
and I panicked thinking it was my cousin who is trying to organise it saying something like "I very much want you to come and so we'll reorganise it" or something..
but when I opened it it was my other cousin, who I don't really know very well and she said something like,
"I very much understand the need to recognise what is or isn't doable and it takes strength to say"
It was such a lovely message that I felt instantly relieved, but also quite sad that my disorder once again stops me from spending time with people.
Thank you again for your help, everyone. These things seem so little but things like this can completely overwhelm me.

[biscuits]

Aw that's lovely that they are understanding about it. It's also lovely that they wanted to spend more time getting to know you. It's really challenging to have that want to make connections and spend time with people, but then having so many barriers.

Is there something you'd feel comfortable arranging so you have a little more control over the sort of activity/situation?

[Mr. Nobody]

What about some kind of group zoom call?

My family done a few of them during lockdown,
We even had a couple of quiz nights

[Stepford]

"I got covid"