SAUK Discussion Board

Go Back   SAUK Discussion Board > Social Anxiety Discussions > Other Mental Health Issues
Join! Blogs FAQ Calendar Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Notices

Reply  Post New Thread
 
Thread Tools
  #31  
Old 21st May 2021, 21:59
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2021
Posts: 111
Blog Entries: 16
Default A good prognosis

A good prognosis - The liklihood of healing, rebuilding or a cure
Reply With Quote
  #32  
Old 23rd May 2021, 09:05
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2021
Posts: 111
Blog Entries: 16
Default Re: No stigma, no scapegoating, only working like a dog *trigger warning

I understood that he wasn't ready to settle down. I wasn't asking that of him. I wasn't ready either. After three years together it was time to fly the nest. I know that people slip and say things they don't mean. We all get stressed. But he would say afterwards that I brought it on myself instead of apologising. When you look at bullying, even if what bullies are saying are not true, it still hurts. Bullying can drive people to end their lives. He was behaving worse than a playground bully. Regardless of whether he has changed or not, forgiveness is impossible without justice first.
Reply With Quote
  #33  
Old 23rd May 2021, 10:34
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2021
Posts: 111
Blog Entries: 16
Default Re: No stigma, no scapegoating, only working like a dog *trigger warning

I don't need therapy to know that I was suffering from complex ptsd. I would benefit from speaking in groups more. I am not going to participate in any studies, drug trials or psychotherapy to help others when I don't need it. I won't be painting between writing books. Spreading yourself too thin leads to frustration and heartache and then burn out.
Reply With Quote
  #34  
Old 23rd May 2021, 20:02
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2021
Posts: 111
Blog Entries: 16
Default Re: No stigma, no scapegoating, only working like a dog *trigger warning

I was young when I made jokes about being sent to the potato shed where I would learn how to distill vodka. (I know that not all vodka is distilled using potatoes) It was not what I pictured my future to be. I was good at my sport, I trained six days out of seven. I did not lack will or discipline. I could never have someone map out my life for me. It would be like trying to fit a square peg through a round hole. I wouldn't compromise. I knew what I wanted to do. I wanted to create. That is why. I almost steered towards art school. But thank heavens I chose to write. I never anticipated that my stunt would have such a detrimental impact on my chances because I thought I would one day not be where I was. Being in hospital was a double edged sword. It saved my life and at the same time gave me a fight I never went looking for.
I greatly respected my Grandfather and I really tried with my blood father. When he came into my work, I gave him another chance. I was never going to apologise for choosing my own path. I just wanted a job with training that was a little more interesting and less mind numbing than retail. If I couldn't make my art work and write, I wasn't going to compete with people who had come from more privileged circumstances than me. Have my family alienate me and call me a snooty so and so who had nothing to be high and mighty about and should remember where she came from. My teachers seemed to be of the disposition: if you are so smart you will figure it out on your own. A lot of them, not all of them. I considered doing horticulture and being a landscaper. But this demon at that back of my mind, wouldn't leave me alone.
Reply With Quote
  #35  
Old 24th May 2021, 09:31
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2021
Posts: 111
Blog Entries: 16
Default Re: No stigma, no scapegoating, only working like a dog *trigger warning

What Is Psychological Invalidation? How It Happens And Its Effects | Regain
https://www.regain.us/advice/psychol...d-its-effects/
Reply With Quote
  #36  
Old 26th May 2021, 12:55
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2021
Posts: 111
Blog Entries: 16
Default Re: No stigma, no scapegoating, only working like a dog *trigger warning

It is proving impossible. I can't write a memoir post eighteen without including flashbacks to earlier times. So I have to recant some of my promises.
Reply With Quote
  #37  
Old 26th May 2021, 19:20
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2021
Posts: 111
Blog Entries: 16
Default Re: No stigma, no scapegoating, only working like a dog *trigger warning

You are an honest man with high principles, so why can't you give me one reason why you stayed with me?
How hard could it have been to say - lots of reasons! Loads. Instead of saying he wasn't just with me because he felt sorry for me, he could have said - I meant that it's good how you don't feel sorry yourself. You deserved that job where you got down to the final three. You are like me, we both have had to work for what we have got. You don't expect anything to fall into your lap, you go out there and search and graft. And of course I think you are pretty as well as smart. You will get a lucky break. Was that hard? I felt I had nothing going for me. There must be something worth salvaging if you stayed? I didn't feel pretty. Just not as ugly as I was when I wore health service bad boy prescription glasses. I knew I was smart. I had accepted my choice to use my right brain over logic. Logic can get you from A to B but imagination can take you to unknown limits and boundless places. I tried harder at a lot of things than I let on. I pretended it was effortless. But yes I was good at problem solving and puzzles and not just memorising. I had a mind of my own and I did not like being told what to do. I didn't intend to put myself into an all or nothing, do or die scenario. But that was where I wound up. It wasn't my fault alone. I felt like my family and old flame barely knew me. I was an inconvenience and then not worth it. Nobody wanted to see me do well. I was always going to burn out after my upbringing and life as a youth. It was plain as day. One day it was going to catch up on me. So I thought it may as well come faster.
Reply With Quote
  #38  
Old 26th May 2021, 20:17
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2021
Posts: 111
Blog Entries: 16
Default Re: No stigma, no scapegoating, only working like a dog *trigger warning

I have been working on memoir writing like this, on and off for about five years or more now.
Reply With Quote
  #39  
Old 27th May 2021, 10:25
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2021
Posts: 111
Blog Entries: 16
Default Re: No stigma, no scapegoating, only working like a dog *trigger warning

If anyone was to complain about not having the life they should have, it was me, not him. I was the one who was expected to give up my hopes and ambitions for him, not the other way around.
Reply With Quote
  #40  
Old 27th May 2021, 11:01
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2021
Posts: 111
Blog Entries: 16
Default Re: No stigma, no scapegoating, only working like a dog *trigger warning

I have decided what I am going to do.
Reply With Quote
  #41  
Old 28th May 2021, 09:21
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2021
Posts: 111
Blog Entries: 16
Default Re: No stigma, no scapegoating, only working like a dog *trigger warning

=We need the money for the house
-But it is not a run of the mill birthday
It is my friends twenty first.
=Do you honestly think they care about you?
All they care about is numbers.
You won't be missed.
They just want to appear popular.
-It is a mile stone birthday
And I have known them practically
All of my life! Why are you
Trying to make out that
I am just an insignificant after thought?
Reply With Quote
  #42  
Old 30th May 2021, 20:03
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2021
Posts: 111
Blog Entries: 16
Default Leave no stone unturned

Not having my name on the mortgage,
From an outside point of view
Was playing with fire.
My old work warned me
That if he could find a way
Not to pay out if we split that he would do just that.
They did say that I worked so hard
To risk it all at only twenty one.
There was nothing I could do
At that precise moment in time.
I had made it to the final three
Out of over seventy applicants
At one job interview
And I'd been invited to
Many more and missed out,
So I hadn't given up hope.
I had to wait longer for the dust to settle.
But there was going to come
A time that having a job, any job
Would not be enough for me.
Not one person aside from the doctor,
Showed any genuine sympathy
For what I had been through.
They said that being in hospital
Is harder for those who are
Smart and switched on.
For someone with potential
Who wanted to make
Something of their lives.
My parents partly admitted
That I was doing too much.
When the mood suited them
They would say to me and
I heard them say to others that
I was pushing myself too hard.
The doctor had concluded
That stress had brought
The breakdown to fruition.
They didn't doubt that
I would recover and move on.
I knew that a second stay
Would be a nail in the coffin.
What did he think was
Going to happen if
He tore me apart and piled on the pressure?
The ball is finally rolling.
Reply With Quote
  #43  
Old 30th May 2021, 21:00
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2021
Posts: 111
Blog Entries: 16
Default Re: No stigma, no scapegoating, only working like a dog *trigger warning

Hob knobs are the biscuit marines.
When you dip a rich tea or
A digestive they flake after one submergance.
Hob knobs say Again. Again. Over and over.
Reply With Quote
  #44  
Old 4th June 2021, 08:32
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2021
Posts: 111
Blog Entries: 16
Default Re: No stigma, no scapegoating, only working like a dog *trigger warning

He would say: you need help. Sometimes he would greet me after his work with: I've been thinking that you need help. Was this his attempt at reverse psychology? You were thinking? Makes a change. He must have been worried that if I paid to see a counsellor that they would say I was far too intelligent to settle for the work I was doing. I did not want more, but I needed more. My feelings were valid. I had every right to feel bereft of a life I should have had.
Reply With Quote
  #45  
Old 6th June 2021, 11:00
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2021
Posts: 111
Blog Entries: 16
Default Re: No stigma, no scapegoating, only working like a dog *trigger warning

There were scores of reasons influencing why I stayed. I couldn't pinpoint one alone that would suffice. At twenty three I felt like I had to leave. I was being forced out more or less. I think after moving in with friends for a while, showed me that the grass is not always greener on the other side. But if I had to move away for a fresh start, I was prepared to do that. I wanted to do that. It was not fear that held me back. My head told me I had to move away in order to survive as I was running out of options. I must have stayed because I listened to my heart. You cannot live life by fleeing from it.
Reply With Quote
  #46  
Old 8th June 2021, 10:19
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2021
Posts: 111
Blog Entries: 16
Default Re: No stigma, no scapegoating, only working like a dog *trigger warning

The place saved my life and ruined it at the same time. Things so easily could have went the other way. If I had not set out to destroy the elephant, could I have lived with the stigma when the end was improbable? Do you know what it feels like to have everyone around you believe and say you have no future? The doctors gave me a good prognosis and my family were telling anyone who would listen that I did not. How was I able to forgive my family but not an old flame?
Reply With Quote
  #47  
Old 11th June 2021, 06:21
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2021
Posts: 111
Blog Entries: 16
Default Not a leg to stand on, not our fault

As far as I am aware, and I may be wrong, my parents did not advise old flame to leave. They assumed that a young lad with his whole life ahead of him, would realise that there were plenty more fish in the sea. My ol' dear did say that they expected him to run to the hills. They would have had no sympathy for me and made me feel like I didn't deserve someone who wouldn't leave after I had had a mental meltdown. They won't admit to me if they said: we don't blame you if you don't stick around or run to the hills. But that was their attitude.
Reply With Quote
  #48  
Old 11th June 2021, 07:21
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2021
Posts: 111
Blog Entries: 16
Default In the lurch

Work would wind him up with jokes. So he would come home and take his anger out on me. The one that affected him the most seemed to be the: you canna afford it. We had just bought a house. And I encouraged him to get back in contact with his old troupe, play pool or join a football team he had been offered a space in. He admitted himself that he burned the bridges.He took the jokes as gospel. I shouldn't have been where I was. I did not need constantly reminded of it. When I left at first all I took was a case of clothes. I went back one more time for my sport medals, jewellery and cds. I fled.
Any human being with a shred of decency could have seen that I had been through enough and went through hell before and after hospital. I may not have made as much as him but I was entitled to a share when the house was sold. I didn't care about the money but I needed a place to stay - one months deposit and a few month's rent-and the job I had worked hard to get required a little runaround. He knew I could not stay with family for long.
I may have left him but it was over. It was him who left me in the lurch and yet I was made to feel that it was the other way around. There was no justice in the world.
Reply With Quote
  #49  
Old 11th June 2021, 07:35
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2021
Posts: 111
Blog Entries: 16
Default Opportunistic bully

When I went back after giving my nerves time to rest after summoning the courage to leave, he was in the garage cutting wood to deck out part of the garden. He says nothing and let's me in the house. In the living room there is gym equipment everywhere and men's health magazines on the glass table. The same glass table that I remember him pushing me up against, spitting in my face while saying: come on and hit me, you can't can you so don't argue with me.
I notice that he is paler than usual, gaunt in the face and thinner. He doesn't look healthy at all. I ask if he has bought any new additions to the fish tank and he pithly says: got what you need? I take this as a sign: no conversation. He follows me up the stairs and I get my jewellery. He says: Got what you came for? I get my medals and trophies and a duffel bag of cds and realise that sweat is sliding down face. His eyes are boring into me and his jaw is clenched. I have to leave.
Reply With Quote
  #50  
Old 11th June 2021, 08:08
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2021
Posts: 111
Blog Entries: 16
Default Own battles

=I am feeling rundown I might just have some soup for tea.
-We are going out. We can afford it.
=I never said we couldn't
-We are going out then
= Not tonight. I can make cajun chicken. I'll get some peppers from the shop if you like. There is onions and wraps. You prefer chips to potatoes or rice.
-We can afford to go out. We are going out. End of it.

I relent and we go out. He talks about the time someone went to hit his brother in a pub and he stepped in and punched them and knocked people off stools like dominoes before: laying into the.... But his brother was annoyed and didn't thank him. I don't say what I think in the restaurant but I try and change the subject. I should make more soups. Get a better blender and a soup cookbook with traditional recipes. Lentil and bacon. Leek and potato. I know you don't like tomato. What about cream of mushroom or chicken? I know you burn lots of energy at work so I would make you a roll on the side and then have dessert. He says: and whit next a salad? I'm nae a rabbit. I reply: you can have cooked meat and pasta or salad potatoes to pad it out and some bread on the side. I take his silence as a resounding no thanks, you know where you can put your salad. I pay for the meal with my card. It is my turn. On the drive back I feel light headed and my eyes fill with static.
When we get home I have to dart upstairs and throw up in the bathroom. I knew I was rundown and wasn't feeling great. He says: can't be that tiring when you only get paid....
Reply With Quote
  #51  
Old 11th June 2021, 13:56
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2021
Posts: 111
Blog Entries: 16
Default The only one in the world

I was not only physically tired. I was on edge at home too. I had nowhere to go to just breathe and take some me time. Honestly I never stopped. When he would say he had the life of a dog, I would feel guilty every time. I wasn't able to let it go in one ear and out of the other. He fell out with some of his troupe on holiday because of me. More specifically because they were pushing him to cheat on me and he told them he had a girlfriend. The tension had been building up before hand. A lot of weekends out, entailed them, trying to get him to look and speak to other girls. So when they had a lads holiday unsurprisingly he blew up at them, not just for trying to get him to pull but for pulling pranks on him too. One resulted in security and then police officers being called.
I did think it was admirable for him to stand up to his friends and I realised that it was tough for him to have to deal with what happened with me - the gossip, the speculation, the conspiracy theories, people with ulterior motives. His friends thought he needed cheering up and to see what he was missing. If there was a hint of truth in his words, then he was right to point out that most of his friends - at the age they were then- would not have stuck by their girlfriends the way he did for me. Some broke up and got back together. Some cheated on their girlfriends and they forgave them. Surely it would be the same with us. Relax and enjoy yourself. You are too young to be tied down.They were young lads.
If he had cheated after I had been in rehab I maybe would have given him another chance. But I wouldn't have stood for it repeatedly. They didn't flat out tell him to leave me as I wasn't worth it. Some said to me when we were out that they were glad to see us still together. It was good for both of us. It was to begin with.
I knew what it was like myself to grow apart from people. Sometimes too much water has flowed under the bridge. Friends become old friends.
Reply With Quote
  #52  
Old 12th June 2021, 05:27
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2021
Posts: 111
Blog Entries: 16
Default Spilt milk

If I were middle class I would
Have been encouraged to go to art school.
If I were a boy, I would have
Been offered work and wouldn't
Have needed to search in vain
And claw for the scraps.
If I wasn't banned from going
To my friends haunt
I would not have trained
With the olympic team.
If I hadn't had a violent old flame,
I would not have
Needed a second stay.
If I had had a loving supportive family
Who didn't spend more
Time in the pub than at home and
Had not scapegoated me my whole life,
I wouldn't have had a stay at all.
Reply With Quote
  #53  
Old 13th June 2021, 08:09
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2021
Posts: 111
Blog Entries: 16
Default Don't act like I have a choice

My father would press me:
-What are you going to be?
What exactly are you going to be?-
I didn't want him to tell
Everyone he came in contact with-
My daughter is going to be a... -
I didn't believe in tempting fate.
I had the patience, manner and common sense
As well as the brains to
Have had a professional career.
I hadn't had the best childhood,
So I needed a creative outlet.
Life led me onto that path
And I graciously followed.
The minute I came in the door
I would say:
Let's take Lady a walk,
Can we have Chinese food or pizza tonight?
And he would say: - we will see
I need to have a think.
My leg has been bad this week-
I wasn't allowed to choose
What pizza we had and
He would harangue me
To say exactly what I
Was going to be when I grew up.
When my grans dementia progressed
And she stopped baking cakes
And being able to cook her own meals,
He did next to nothing.
I was frustrated that he was
So wound up in what he wanted
And nothing else.
I felt more sadness than anger as
Life not being kind to him.
He was extremely bitter
About my mum leaving him
And about his working life being cut short.
He never got over any of them.
But nobody seem to consider
How hard it was for me.
I was intelligent and
If I were to escape the
Moving up the retail ladder,
I was going to have to do it alone.
My father was disappointed
In me from the day I was born.
He wasn't at my mums side
When I came into the world through choice.
He never had to say that
I was not what he expected or wanted.
He wanted to watch his boy
Play football at the weekend.
My grandfather left the forces
As he either had a meltdown
Or was heading towards one.
It is not what a person asks
An ex-military sailor or soldier.
I asked if he had lost friends
From combat that was all.
My fathers own commrades
Deliberately broke his leg
Against a goal post
When he was promoted.
Everything I had went through
Gave me a steely determination
To carve my own path.
When my father came into
My work and I decided
To give him another chance,
I felt I had to.
I couldn't abandon him too.
I had to choose between
My mum and her partner
Or my father.
So when my father
Criticised the job I had,
Which my mum and stepdad never did,
I snapped and informed him:
It is full time,
My contract is only thirty hours
Because that is the way
Retail works. I get time and half
For doing three out of four Sundays,
Which are not in my contract.
I have overtime practically every
Single week when someone
Is on holiday or absent
And there is overtime available on
The checkouts and other departments.
I just have my foot in the door
Who am I to demand that they
Add six more hours to my contract??
I confess I did not say to him:
=Are you going to help
Me pay to go to university so
Please stop asking me what I'm going to be=
The same feeling went
For my grandfather.
He had to earn everything
Himself so I was expected
To do the same. That was OK.
I knew that and accepted it.
I loved my grandparents dearly.
Not coming from a privileged background,
Was not the reason I went my own way.
I wanted to write. I knew what I want to do.
I followed my heart.
I would have hated
Staying in retail or being in an office number crunching.
Reply With Quote
  #54  
Old 13th June 2021, 10:05
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2021
Posts: 111
Blog Entries: 16
Default Re: No stigma, no scapegoating, only working like a dog *trigger warning

It is hard to imagine that
Old flame could have
Treated me any worse.
If I were the type to suffer in silence,
He would have hit me
Instead of throwing
His weight around or
Smashing up the housewarming presents.
He tried to use other tactics,
To break me down
As he knew that I
Would go to the authorities and report him
With a physical injury
And I would speak to the medical practitioners
Letting them know precisely what had happened.
When I was in pieces part deux,
I thought that I would not
Be able to prove that
Me being where I was,
Had a lot to do with him.
But he was not solely to blame.
Other people around him,
Planted seeds of doubt.
Reply With Quote
  #55  
Old 13th June 2021, 10:44
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2021
Posts: 111
Blog Entries: 16
Default Re: No stigma, no scapegoating, only working like a dog *trigger warning

Mindfulness doesn't always work.
If a person has to be present
By observing their surroundings
Then someone living in destitution,
Often does not have
Much to see but what they don't have.
And if a person has a painful
Health condition, then a body scan
Will not be helpful at all.
Guided meditations, or listening
To another's voice are helpful before bed.
Mindful walking too.
A change of scenery is refreshing.
Being able to fill a day
With what means something.
Reply With Quote
  #56  
Old 13th June 2021, 11:05
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2021
Posts: 111
Blog Entries: 16
Default It goes without saying

There is only one invaluable
Piece of advice that would
Tie up my endeavours -
Treat others the way
You would wish to be treated...
Reply With Quote
  #57  
Old 13th June 2021, 12:27
Spideysenses Spideysenses is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2021
Posts: 111
Blog Entries: 16
Default Re: No stigma, no scapegoating, only working like a dog *trigger warning

I tried to forgive.
I tried to forget.
I realised that I had to fight back.
This wasn't a one off violent attack.
It was years of pesistant abuse.
The greed of another person
Resulted in me losing
More than I ever should
Have had to lose.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools

Forum Jump


All times are GMT +1. The time now is 09:25.


SAUK Award
Logo designed by abc
Powered by vBulletin
Copyright ©2000 - 2021, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.