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#1
21st October 2011, 00:12
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Social Anxiety When You Were A Child
As part of my work on the SA treatment guideline I'm going to be part of a working group in a few weeks looking specifically at issues around children with SA..... My own SA goes to back to my childhood, so I have some frame of reference, but I thought it would be useful to hear from others who've experienced SA when they were young so that I can gain greater insight into what it is like for a wider range of people, and hopefully try and make anything we come up with as relevant as possible.
For that reason I wondered if anyone would be willing to share any memories they have of SA thoughts/behaviours as a child, and how it affected them? I have no specific remit as such yet so I'm sorry if that's quite a general question.... I just know were looking at improving case identification and assessment in young children. I'll try to give feedback after the meetings if at all possible, I just have to be very careful as I am required to keep most of the work I'm involved with confidential until the guideline is actually published. I will however offer thanks to anyone who can contribute, and have a whole array of happy emoticons waiting for anyone who helps!  And it might be nice to know that you'll be helping children with SA in the long run, so you should rightly feel an inner glow for making your contribution to that! 
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#2
21st October 2011, 02:54
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Re: Social Anxiety When You Were A Child
After undergoing counselling, I have a lot more insight into myself and my coping strategies and I think my SA started very early in my childhood; and that there were a number of factors that contributed.
At the age of 3, and with my parents being unable to give me the supervision that a young child needs, I had an accident and fell on my face outside, which caused a bad injury to my face. It was stitched up, but has left a scar. I can remember going into Nursery soon after the accident and the fellow kids recoiling in horror at the sight of me, and other parents making remarks about what a shame it was that this had happened to me. I can remember feeling like I'd been punched in the stomach - it was the most horrible feeling at the time, and I still get this same feeling (though not as pronounced these days, but it usually arises when something makes me feel excluded, worthless and generally not good enough). I think, with adult hindsight, that this was the main root of my SA - I expected after this to be singled out for ridicule, or excluded because I wasn't 'good enough'. Many people say now that the scar is barely visible, but to me it will always be there and it's holding me back. If I could afford to, I would pay to see if I could get it removed, or it's appearance reduced - not for vanity reasons, but because I feel it would help to get rid of it as a 'symbol' of exclusion and worthlessness. I went on to need glasses and stuff and this really didn't help with my confidence, but that accident, I believe, was the very start of my SA. My mum was disabled and both my mum and dad were a lot older than your average parents. I can remember being 5 and at school and having all of my peers either laughing or looking on in horror because my mum 'walked funny'. Again, that horrible feeling, like I'd been punched in the stomach came at me in waves. I began to actually hate my parents for being outwith the norm and my mum for being disabled for a while in my early teens and I'd purposely forget to tell them about parents evenings and stuff because I didn't want them going and potentially having to deal with the fallout afterwards. That in itself created its own guilt and I still feel very remorseful about having those feelings, although now I can look back and understand how difficult things were for me and how excluded I felt. I just wanted to be left alone by the other kids and become invisible, so having those additional things going on just gave 'ammunition' to the other kids - the bullying kids. I had an older brother who responded to my parent's inability to be parents by becoming pretty wild and uncontrollable. He fought with everyone at school and was singled out for ridicule. I found that this almost set a precedent for me going to school, but moreso in Secondary School. I remember attending the open day, where the primary school kids go up to get a look at the school, and it was 3rd and 4th year pupils who were escorting us around the building. I remember they knew that the little sister of my brother was coming up and they were all anxious to find out who it was. I remember not really understanding why this was, but not being keen to tell anyone it was me. When some of them found out it was me, every other group of primary school pupils we passed had our 'escorts' telling the other 'escorts' who I was in a delighted manner. The other primary school kids started picking up on this and asking me what it was about and I didn't really know at that time. It wasn't a nice feeling to be singled out, but it got worse when I actually went to high school as a pupil as those people seemed to take it that they could push me around and give me a hard time, initially for being the sister of my brother, but then for any other weakness that they could find in me. It hurt like hell and I never felt accepted while I was there, although I did get a few people who were also outcasts to some extent who hung around with me. I also became 'ashamed' of doing well at school. My parents (in particular, my dad) had very high expectations of me in terms of grades. Due to having few friends and staying in a lot due to caring responsibilities towards my mum, I threw myself into school work and actually did very well in my exams (I've been told that recent research can show that one of the ways to identify a child who could be under pressure and struggling emotionally is not just to look for the ones who are not attending and who don't achieve good grades; but also in many cases, to take a good look at the ones who excel and this was definitely true for me at that time). Reactions I got from others who teased me for having no life and the grades I got has taught me to be very reserved and not to point out successes to others readily. Today, I always deflect away any compliment I receive with an immediate self criticism, and I think that this is where it stemmed from. It's been quite painful to write that, but at the same time, it kind-of helps to get it out there and it's helped me make sense of a lot. I don't know if this is what you're looking for, but I hope it kind-of makes sense and can be useful to you
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#3
21st October 2011, 04:42
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Re: Social Anxiety When You Were A Child
I believe SA came to me as a slightly older child around 10. Before that, believe it or not, I was pretty confident, and I miss that child everyday. However when I reached my last year in primary school, I was constantly bullied which really knocked my confidence, and what made it worse, it was my so-called friends who were doing the bullying.
I thought when I left primary school and moved away from my old friends into my new secondary school it would stop but, no I was bullied again by people who I thought were my friends. Both encounters have left me feeling vulnerable to judgement. I feel everyone around me is judging me behind their back. After my bullying, I felt scared of being out-spoken about anything, in worry of being judged for being stupid or silly, so decided to just sit quietly and avoid anything. I also find it difficult trusting anyone, and believe everyone is judging me, so I look scared and probably a little pathetic to anyone who comes across me. It has not done me any good in life. I sometimes wish I'd perhaps had some councilling as a kid when I was being bullied. I might have come out of my shell a bit more.
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#4
21st October 2011, 05:32
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Re: Social Anxiety When You Were A Child
so true, & i thanku 4 sharing.
myself, i was not liked by my mother, & had 2 pretend it didn't bother me. also had 2 fend 4 myself with the bullies @ school (for grades7,8 & then @ my highschool it started all over again--for 2 more years)!! boys tortured me & i just felt like i was burning inside from the terror of going to school. still, i went 'cause i didn't know i had any options. college was impossible until i was 28. even then i cried the whole 2nd year. almost quit. i married the first guy that would have me when i was 30. my son came next year. my mother & sister came 2 my beautiful home & laughed @ me, saying it was ridiculous that i would ever take care of anybody. i ignored it. i felt like an iceberg. their cruelty was always made out 2 be that "i can't take a joke". strangely, my husband treated me the same way as mother:my pain was funny to him. he ignored me except 4 sex & the nice paycheck i brought home. i was actually paying someone to be neglectful & rude 2 me. (and giving the jerk sex). that's horrible to say, but i really did that, for 20 years. i'm sure i just had low expectations. now i'm finally alone & safe. but i don't leave the house much. i hope there's some justice for me someday. i left my home without alimony in the divorce--just to get away quicker, cleaner. thanks 4 listening.
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#5
21st October 2011, 14:06
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Re: Social Anxiety When You Were A Child
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In reality there are no emoticons that can adequately convey my gratitude. I feel completely humbled that you've all shared the details of what were obviously traumatic events. Deepest thanks.
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#6
21st October 2011, 14:58
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Re: Social Anxiety When You Were A Child
Just to add on another element that I should have added in the early hours of the morning, but forgot (probably because it was 3 in the morning
 ) If you get sick of me writing all of this, just let me know, but in some ways I'm finding it quite therapeutic and might do a blog on this to try and draw all of this together, for my own use and reflection.In addition to the bullying at school, our family lived in an area with owner-occupier houses, when most other local streets and areas had council housing. Most of the other kids who lived nearby and went to school nearby were from council housing and this appeared to be another reason for singling us out - because they drew a conclusion that we thought we were posh. Our house was near to a big park and a lot of teens who knew my brother from school would walk past the house in order to hide in the woods and drink alcohol that they had got hold of. Often on the way back after doing this, they'd throw stones at our windows and then leg it, 'just for fun'. Our house windows were frequently broken and there was a time when our windows were boarded up for a number of months because this was happening daily (in the summer when they all had nothing else to do, it would happen more frequently and sometimes in the daytime). It was a horrible feeling, always being on-edge and hoping that they wouldn't come and that if they did, the windows wouldn't smash as this was a symbol of shame to me, that people were singling us out for this kind of treatment, and my worry that other people would think we deserved it. I worried that neighbours and passers-by would think we were hated, we deserved this, or that we led a criminal lifestyle, or something. Police seemed to be powerless to do anything about it. They'd come and write it in their notebooks, but would offer no help or advice on how to stop it happening - only that we shouldn't chase them in case we became at risk, and we shouldn't take the law into our own hands. It was a constant feeling of fear; potential for shame and embarrassment; and powerlessness as there really was nothing we could do - I felt at their mercy. I appreciate as an adult that your home really is your sanctuary - your little place where you should feel safe and able to relax. That wasn't the case for me growing up due to this stuff. Now the relief of having my own place where I can just go in, close the blinds and relax is fantastic. I couldn't settle in the house in the summer at all and I'm still a bit like this today. If any young people walk past my house today, or pass me in the street, I worry about what they potentially might do (In this last week alone, during the school holidays, I have been avoiding all of the local shops because young boys 10+ are all standing outside with dummies in wheelbarrows asking for 'penny for the guy' - I'm travelling to shops miles away and carefully checking that no youths are there before I park my car). Youths standing in groups like this frighten me, either for thoughts of what hurtful things they could say, or potential ways that they could humiliate me, and the effect that I know this would have on me. This also affects me when I'm out and about too. If I'm in a public place, I worry that I'll be a target for 'something' and I struggle to maintain eye contact and focus on what I've to do. I also think that being a carer from the age of 7 and having a lot of extra responsibility was a big worry in my life. I could see my mum's health deteriorating and I didn't know enough about her illness and was scared to ask in case I got some frightening answers back. There was a worry that we had 'borrowed time' to some extent. And I remember the shock of my realisations when her health deteriorated another little bit and she needed more help with something else. This caused me a lot of anxiety, not only worrying for her future, but also the fact that the other kids might find this out and somehow use it against me, as the help I had to give became more extensive and personal in nature.
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#8
22nd October 2011, 00:17
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Re: Social Anxiety When You Were A Child
Quote:
 It's hard to read in places as I can identify with much of it, and with some parts of the other posts too, but feel free to write as much as you like! Quote:
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#9
22nd October 2011, 01:58
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Re: Social Anxiety When You Were A Child
My anxiety, be that social or general goes right back as far as I can remember. As a small boy I always felt I somehow was different and didn't belong here. At that age I don't know what I felt I was different from. I just felt like I didn't belong, and the place I was at (life) scared the daylights out of me. I always had this horrible uncomfortable feeling in my gut. Life felt dangerous. People felt dangerous.
I recall one day when I was about five or six. There was a birthday party for a boy our family knew just up the street. I was told by my parents that I was going. Even now, at 48, I can recall the horrible feeling inside I got, and my blanket refusal to go. I was too fearful and anxious. I was then told I was to stay in my room for refusing to go. I also remember my first days at school. Having to be dragged there crying, and grabbing hold of lamp posts along the way in a vain attempt to delay getting to the school gates. Again, I felt like I didn't belong there, and the whole experience scared the life out of me. My refusal to go to the party was the first incident I can recall of stubbournly avoidant behaviour. Being sent to my room was fine, just so long as I didn't have to attend the party. When I was young our family would travel over to the Yorkshire coast to holiday in the summer. I recall even then how I'd hang back and avoid things. I'd be withdrawn with people and scared to try things or enjoy things like going on the fair. School was always a nightmare. I was withdrawn and called ''sullen'' by teachers. I could not stand up in class to speak, and gladly gave up 30% of my marks in an English exam simply because I point-blank refused to stand up and do a short presentation to the class. In high school I was often so anxious that I would truant for long periods. I'd go down to the Pier Head in Liverpool, which was quite sleazy back then, and was often approached and groomed by what I now know to be paedophiles. I'd be freezing cold, and plied with hot drinks by dirty old men who were always asking me back to their place ''for coffee''. Mind you, I was away from the anxiety at school, so I didn't really care. Also, having someone who appeared to 'like me' somehow felt nice, because I didn't generally feel liked or like myself at all. Another time my anxiety around people/school was so bad I tried to break my arm with a hammer in order to have a genuine reason to avoid school for a while. I propped my arm on two blocks and did all I could to smash the bone. It wouldn't break though. I was having real problems even talking with family members. I'd blush ferociously talking to people I'd known all my life. In the end I'd avoid people who came to the house. I'd disappear upstairs. I always blushed terribly in front of my mum's niece. I was mortified when one day she pulled me up about it and basically told me it pissed her off. When she was younger she'd had her own mental health issues, so I thought she might understand me a little, but no. I also recall what now seems like a bizarre experience back when my mum was an assistant matron of a nursing home. After school I had to go down there to see her for some reason. Anyway, she was in the staff room with a few of the other staff and I was asked to go in. I simply couldn't do it. I was so anxious and blushing and sweating like mad. Outside the staffroom was a sitting area where the residents would sit. On this day there was no one there, but I didn't feel like I could sit in one of the chairs. I ended up standing bolt-upright against the wall in the corridor, afraid to move. People who walked past must have wondered what the hell I was doing. I just felt like I was paralysed, retreating into my own head. It was almost like an out of body experience, but the other way round. I seemed to disappear into a black hole inside my head, or that's how it looks when I recall it now. I stood glued to that wall for what seemed like hours. I've just remembered an experience in primary school. I was called to the teacher's desk at the front of the class. The teacher then slated my work loudly and then threw my book across the classroom. I remember feeling horribly embarrassed. With hindsight it's no wonder my fear of evaluation, particularly in front of others, grew and grew over the years. Growing up I couldn't deal with people talking to me or even noticing me. I'd stay withdrawn and quiet wherever possible in order to avoid attention. I'd avoid any person and situation that I could avoid. At one time I was hospitalised in Alder Hey Children's Hospital because of a physical problem that they could find no physical reason for. To cut a long story short, I screamed the place down telling anyone who would listen that if they didn't let me home I'd escape. Nothing, and I mean nothing, was going to keep me there. After discussions with my parents they agreed to let me go home. After more outpatient visits and more tests they put my physical problem down to psychological issues. I really hated life when I was young. I was fearful of everything and everyone. There felt like threats everywhere. I couldn't look people in the eye, I was anxious talking with my own family and friends. My anxiety got in the way of learning anything. Each day was an endurance test, and success was simply getting through the day. That horrible gut feeling of dread and anxiety never really went away. No one understood me, and I didn't understand myself either. There was no understanding back then. No label. No diagnosis. Nothing. I was just that ''disturbed, psycho, weirdo messed-up kid.'' As time went by and I got into high school I was regularly self-injuring in secret. Cutting my arms and legs. It was a release. A way of clawing back a little control in a life where I had none. The dripping blood symbolised the pain leaving me. Later on it was also alcohol that helped blot it out, temporarily at least. Although that became a problematic issue in itself eventually. There was a million instances of anxiety and avoidance, but these days I'm trying to leave them behind. Not trying to bury them or deny them, but just to let them go. Much of it all has blurred into one big mass now. What never really fades is the memory of that awful, dark gut feeling of anxiety welling up and overwhelming me. Like a dark ocean you cannot hold back. The fear, the retreating into one's own head. The extreme avoidance where suicide really does seem like a viable and reasonable alternative to living through another day of anxiety. Another month of anxiety, another year... I remember accidentally painting a fly to a door once when I was glossing. I recall looking at it in fascination. I knew it could not be saved. It was still alive and struggling, but there was nothing I could do to help it. In that moment I saw myself. I was that fly. Suffocating, struggling, dying. The fly probably had no idea what was happening to it. Just like I had no idea what was happening to me. Another feeling I always had when I was young was one of being stuck in a semi-opaque bubble. I felt trapped inside it, unable to break out and live. I could sort of see out and view what others were doing, but I couldn't break out and participate myself. Yet another picture I had in my mind was of a crucial wire in my head that was broken. There was a piece missing. The gap was too far for connection to be made. Looking back now I suppose I really needed someone to understand. Someone to explain to me what might be going on inside me. Someone to help me see that I wasn't mad, crazy or that ''psycho'' some said I was. Even my family GP back then said I was ''just neurotic.'' I did get sent to hospital again though. This time I had electrodes wired to my head. That was quite scary because they got out what was just a basic drill and bit then drilled into my scalp to get a better connection with the electrodes which were then glued on with some sort of gluey gel. They never found anything wrong. Despite that, I was still a complete walking disaster. I can't really paint an accurate picture with words. These just seem like isolated incidents over a very long time, but they weren't. They, and so many more incidents, were all joined together by minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day, week by week, month by month, year by year feelings of dread, anxiety, worry, doubt, loathing, despair, sheer desolation, anger, bitterness, confusion, bewilderment and an aching, ever present wrenching in the gut. It was always strange how I may do nothing physically in a day, but I felt like I'd run a marathon. The burning of vast quantities of mental energy seemed to take it's toll on me physically. I'd be tired. I'd ache. I'd feel run down. My immune system was always low. I was prone to allergy. I had IBS for a long time. Hence yet more hospital visits. I think I drove my parents mad with it all. It's taken me over 4 decades to make sense of all this. I've only really scratched the surface of what my childhood felt like. I don't know if any of this is useful, but it was nice to spill it out anyway.
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#10
22nd October 2011, 12:17
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Re: Social Anxiety When You Were A Child
Many thanks for sharing all of that Benfica.
This is all really helpful stuff. And I'm glad you've managed to get it all straight in your head, hopefully that's brought some measure of relief.
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#11
22nd October 2011, 15:12
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Re: Social Anxiety When You Were A Child
Just readings Benfica's post reminded me of how in high school there was a school trip to drayton manor and because my so called friends were so horrible to me i really didnt want to go and i actually made myself sick by eating something with egg in it and im elergic to egg. :/ Cant believe i did that and ive only just remembered it.
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#12
22nd October 2011, 17:51
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Re: Social Anxiety When You Were A Child
I had epilepsy when I was a child and (I found out later) my mother was mentally ill and had a hard time bringing me up; I was a very confused child and can't remember much about my childhood except there was a lot of isolation: I think this all had a lot to do with my shyness and SA. Now I'm a not so confused but still confused parent who doesn't suffer from epilepsy any more.
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#13
22nd October 2011, 17:57
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Re: Social Anxiety When You Were A Child
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#14
10th November 2011, 12:10
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Re: Social Anxiety When You Were A Child
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Need to learn some time management skills methinks....I'm kind of glad you'd forgotten such a horrible experience Gemjar and feel a bit ashamed of myself that I've helped you to remember! Some of the things anxiety makes you do really are dreadful aren't they? Thanks for posting. Quote:
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#15
10th November 2011, 12:54
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Re: Social Anxiety When You Were A Child
Wow guys I have only read the first page of this discussion at the moment and I feel for you all, I'm so sorry for what you have all been through, I hope you all have found ways to cope with your anxieties, and live a happy healthy life.
Reading your posts remind me so much of my own childhood, I feel so drained just thinking about it. I will have to go and refuel with some lunch then come back later to finish reading this fascinating discussion.
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#16
10th November 2011, 14:32
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Re: Social Anxiety When You Were A Child
I personally do think children can have SA, looking back on it now I believe I did but didn't know what to do about it and because I had SA it was so hard to talk to people in the first place, let alone tell someone that I felt uncomfortable around people.
I believe my problems arose when I was very young, as far back as I can remember. My Mother and Father were married, we had a nice house, I had a Sister and 2 Brothers from my Mothers previous marriage, we were a typical happy family. Although behind the scenes my Father was abusive to my mother, what people would now call domestic violence. Once he even pushed her down a small flight of stairs, on another occasion broke her fingers. My Mother is very old fashioned and obviously wanted the best for us all by forgiving him and keeping the family together. I believe the final straw was when the violence was towards me instead of her. I must of been about 5 or 6 when he hit me so hard I fell over into the living room wall unit and cut my face just below my eyebrow, ended up with a black eye, and a red mark across my cheekbone. I had the red mark for months after, I even have a school photo with it on. I still have the scar below my eyebrow to this day just to remind me. My mother got a divorce and remember thinking it was my fault. I can remember my Mother obviously not wanting to see him and not wanting him near me. One time (I must of been 7) he even came round our house when he wasn't supposed to and was going to kidnap me from my back garden but my older Brother and my Mother's boyfriend stopped him, my Brother was even arrested for being a bit wild with a rake at the time. For some reason as a child I thought this was also my fault. We had to go see people and I had to tell them about my Father so they could make decisions about custody and whether my Father could visit me. It was decided that he could see me 1 day a week under supervision. I can't remember that much of my childhood before I was about 7, I think it's because my mind is trying to block out bad memories.
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#17
10th November 2011, 16:50
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Re: Social Anxiety When You Were A Child
Thanks for the replies clawhammer and CG, both very interesting and informative.
I personally think that a diagnosis of SA would only be problematic if a child's classmates and friends knew about it and responded negatively. I guess there could be some impact on the child if they themselves knew as well.... though that could be avoided if it were dealt with well by the child's parents and doctors and that SA was explained as a normal condition that it's possible to recover from. The issue of feeling like a freak due to the label is an issue that many kids encounter through having other health problems (though I agree that with mental health problems it can be worse due to the stigma associated with it) but it is certainly possible to deal with that in a positive way. I think the main thing with SA in kids though is to recognise the avoidance and other safety behaviours and teach the child to respond in different ways that won't maintain/lead to anxiety, before such behaviours become more deeply embedded. I don't know much about treatment of SA in kids though but I'll find out as much as I can from the specialist docs tomorrow and report back next week.
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#18
10th November 2011, 17:00
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Re: Social Anxiety When You Were A Child
I think there is a difference between a child being a bit shy and having a SAD. It would be difficult to diagnose until the child is old enough to explain how they are feeling properly. But I think there are things that could be implemented under certain circumstances that could prevent a SAD from developing in the first place.
To continue my experience... I got close to my Mother's boyfriend and would often feel guilty about it because he wasn't my Father. Obviously even though my Father wasn't perfect (to say the least) I still loved him and wanted to spend time with him. My Mother would tell me how bad he was, and she was scared to let me out of her site just in case he tried to kidnap me again. I felt like piggy in the middle. I remember when I was about 10, my Father came to visit me and he wanted to show me the motorbike he had at the time, so my Mother trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, let me go out the back gate to have a look. He gave me a ride on the back up and down our road (without no helmets on), and then he let me ride with him on the back. A few minutes later the police arrived and arrested him because a neighbour had called them, but I didn't understand what all the fuss was about. I don't think I actually developed my SAD until I was in high school. My Father was in a car accident a month before I started high school and he died. I can remember it like it was yesterday, being woke up by my uncle knocking the door, both me and my Mother standing their in the kitchen, just in our nighties being told that my Father had gone forever. As if starting high school isn't bad enough, I was also in mourning for my Father, I had a mixture of emotions and I didn't know how to explain what I was feeling. I didn't know any of the other children so I sat on my own. I didn't speak to the other children cause I wasn't sure what to say. I just didn't want to be there so I kept myself to myself. Because of this the other children didn't understand me, so they picked on me instead. This made my feel like I was different, I was a freak and not worthy to have friends.The vicious circle began, because I wasn't in many social situations whilst in high school, I wasn't and am still not sure how to act appropriately (or I don't think I know) which makes me nervous and sweaty, I am then conscious of people watching and judging what I say. The SAD then takes over and I have to escape. I hope this helps you in some way. It has help me, and been good to get it out in the open cause I have only told my partner bits of it briefly, but never told him I think I have a SAD.
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#19
10th November 2011, 18:08
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Re: Social Anxiety When You Were A Child
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His mother went into a 'special unit' when she was his age, and she says it made her feel a LOT worse and didn't help one bit. Really, I think the best help for shy children in school comes from an understanding teacher who goes out of their way to help those children get involved with all the classroom activities - in other words, don't allow shy children to sit quietly in the corner. The reality, though, is that many teachers of young children are often young themselves, lack experience, and aren't able to devote extra time to shy children who need a bit more attention. My son has always been encouraged to get involved in activities outside of school, such as doing football training and going to Cubs. I strongly believe getting shy children involved in such activities is more helpful than any kind of therapeutic treatment.
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#21
17th November 2011, 00:14
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Re: Social Anxiety When You Were A Child
From the first day at school I hated being left by my mum and would watch the clock until home time.I could not sleep at night lying there dreading the mornings, Sunday nights were the nights I hated the most. This went on for all of my school years and the best day of my life was when I left!
As a teenager it got worse,I didn't make friends very easy and would sit in my bedroom for many hours on my own even though I had family around me. I often thought of killing myself because I didn't feel that I fitted in like others seemed to. I wanted to be "normal" but didn't know how to be. About the age of 14 I started to have a weird feeling that would come over me like I was in a dark tunnel where I could hear people talking around me but I felt that I was somewhere else. It would just come over me now and again and I would get very scared. I cant remember how long this lasted but I was glad when I stopped getting like this. Also when I was very young I would be scared of Aunts and Uncles coming to visit and I would hide in cupboards and under our big dining room table so that I would not have to talk to them. I would be shaking and on the verge of collapse by the time they found me. They would just think it was shyness that made me hide but it was more than that as I found out in later life. There is probably many more things I could talk about but I will think of them when I have left this page.. My son also went through a horrible childhood for the same reasons as me but he went on to get school phobia and stopped going to school and I had to home educate him in his last year as his dad and myself were threatened with court because he wouldn't go.I couldn't stand the stress so I withdrew him. He was diagnosed with SA and that is how I found out that was what I must have been suffering with all my life! He now has no life and stays indoors,cant work has no friends and is on pills to stop the depression and anger. He is the lucky one as it goes because he is getting the help that didn't exist when I was growing up. I am glad that this site is here to help people talk about this and I wish I could get my son to go on it and then he wouldn't think that he was the only one suffering
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