If it is not broken

[Spideysenses]

Nothing to lose and everything to gain

[Spideysenses]

A book is just 26 different letters repeated and organised differently? Words don't matter? Stories are for children? Only for the flaky dreamers? They are fantasy and contribute nothing to real life? It only takes one book to change the tide.

[Spideysenses]

Timing is everything. The future me will be glad. I will never look back and regret not having tried. Making every year of hardship worth it. It is all I know. What is one more year? Stuffocation: Living more with less. A short-term fix. This way wasn't the better way, it was the only way for me to become a better and more insightful writer. Without me, they'd never have known where the lines were and would have had more of a chance of being locked up for brawling with the wrong person or causing life-altering injuries to someone. " They destroyed your mental health." Since hearing that the clouds in my sky have begun to brighten and let sunshine through.

[Spideysenses]

An abuser never apologises. Don't insult my intelligence.

[Spideysenses]

No one was more disappointed in me than myself. The last thing I needed was someone who would rub my failures in my face. Stick in the blade and twist it and see what happens.

[Spideysenses]

https://www.theguardian.com/commenti...droidApp_Other
Growing food on our land is not the answer to food security and self sufficiency. The natural ecosystems have to be protected and preserved. When bees die out. I wonder how true that prediction is?

[Spideysenses]

I do care about what people think of me. I don't care about cruel gossipers. I care about how people see me. I take notice of those who know that life is hard that people have flaws and that everyone makes mistakes. I didn't feel like I had a choice. They made me feel like they didn't choose me. We were doomed to fail. If my Grandfather hadn't passed away I might not have been given that final push to leave. Life was too short and I had given up enough for others and needed to start taking care of myself.

Reducing me to a nervous wreck was not a mere mistake. They set out to cut me down. They would have mistreated any girl who was their first serious girlfriend. However, he didn't realise that backing me into a corner had consequences. His arrogance and greed got the better of him. Leaving me in the lurch, made it more likely I would pursue writing as my sole and only objective.

"At least you can say you were good at something at one point in your life. You will niver be anythin efter the ward. You'd be goosed wihoot me." No, it was them who had reduced my nerves to shreds with every trick in the book. Hellbent to knock me down to size and so I would only leave when he decided. I was working to the bone and had nothing but a rucksack of clothes to my name. I felt like I had escaped, and not left. Challenging them was not an option then. I was like a terrified deer first week in rehab. I clocked the slightest motions. A curtain fluttering. The rings on the rails go crrrrissk when pulled. A footstep booming. A key jangling with a bang shining like a firework frittzzz. A dish clinking, and slam, when being removed in a kitchen miles away. Pens scrawling viciously on paper. Murmuring conversations become fingernails scraping a blackboard. Door swinging kashoosh click swoosh. And then relief knowing that wildfire was the real start to my recovery.

[Spideysenses]

Book(s) under my legitimate birth given name. Solicitor. Damages. The elephant disappears for good. It only takes one book. End.

[Spideysenses]

I considered beginning with the overdose. But why not start at the start? My blood father didn't turn up at the hospital the day I was born. He was at home brooding because I was not a boy. My parents split after he had a mini-stroke (chain smoking) when his abuse towards my mum escalated and she left, her patience broken. He remains bitter to this day. I was better off without him I was told when he shows up at the door after contacting a solicitor. My mum said I was fine and settled. His intentions were not altruistic. He heard through the grapevine that I am a very intelligent young girl. He forgot that I had needs there and then. Food, clothes, shelter, encouragement, guidance, be able to go to clubs. A parent to be there. He was always more interested in what I was going to be so he could tell anyone and everyone. My life was always about what I could do for everyone else and no one did anything to help me out. So here I am at eighteen in the psych ward. At twenty-one on a saline drip in AnE after an overdose. At twenty four a nervous wreck after an abusive ex wrung me out for all they possibly could. I am a contributing member of society.
An overdose is recorded as "a small blip." I refuse art therapy. As interesting as Jung's archetypes may be, I am not going to a sterile art room in a hospital to be analysed. I can paint already. I was going to go to art school. I chose to be an airy-fairy, pie-in-the-sky writer. How dare I think I can do something different? How dare I dare to dream of having more than what my mum and gran had achieved. Who was I to think I was worth more than what they said? Pushing me off the curb.
Snobby so and so who has nothing to feel high and mighty about and I should remember where I came from and that I was too stuck up to attend my own Grandmother's funeral. What who? She? The same her...?
Did you phone? Did you try and let me know where and when? Pass on a message? No. You knew that I couldn't be within throwing distance of a spiteful, bitter, self-centred, blinkered, twisted absent father. I made the right decision at sixteen years old. I wasn't going to sit on the fence any longer.
I was never going to play football at the weekend or be or want to be a marine or soldier. I was never going to live my life for someone who uprooted mine. Who was never there? Shows up out of the blue. I went through hell because you showed up. You reopened old wounds. Made my life even more difficult than it already was. I had to be piggy in the middle between two warring parents. The easy way out? The lazy option? I had to apply over again. If I could have had a job with training that allowed me to make a life for myself don't you think I would have seized it with both hands?
I had a breakdown at eighteen. Then at twenty-four, I was the victim. I am a person who gets stressed and upset. I stick up for myself and my beliefs when I have to. I don't get it right all of the time. I feel like I haven't done anything with my life or been anywhere. I didn't feel like anyone gave up on me when nobody was there for me in the first place. No sob story. Go beyond pity and sympathy. Leave em in the mud.
Extended Synopsis

[Spideysenses]

Neat has a different meaning on this side of the pond. Spelt NEET. Translates as: Not in Employment Education or Training. Haven't heard the en vogue bame community or lgbtq+ community being brought up in the news of late. I don't think grouping people together under umbrella terms helps in all cases. That being said, I vehemently disagree with erasing gender. As a woman. As a woman who knows how important it can be to speak and open up to a female health professional in a time of need. As a woman who was asked by the police force if I would prefer (or only) speak to female officers to give a statement reporting on domestic abuse. I said it wasn't necessary. To hear male officers say: " They destroyed your mental health" made a world of difference to me. In a world where rough sex is accepted as a defence for murder. Women are killed every day by violence at home. Medical trials tested with men and not women. A woman is less likely to be taken seriously when experiencing heart attack symptoms than her male counterparts. More likely to be misdiagnosed with mental health conditions than men. Rape convictions going down.

[Spideysenses]

Dreams are weird and stupid and they scare me- Neil Gaiman Sandman

[Spideysenses]

When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.When I let go of what I have, I receive what I need
- Tao te ching

[Spideysenses]

This was the author that I found most useful after melting down: Claire Weekes.

[Spideysenses]

This has always been about damage limitation. How much so is not entirely in my hands. I don't yet know how this will end. I must let it play out. The ball is rolling. Is it in my court?

[Spideysenses]

My father's life motto was: life is a "beach" and then you marry one. My old dears attitude to kids was: ask no questions get told no lies.

[Spideysenses]

Life is like an arrow. If you don't drop it before it reaches the bow, you have to pull it back before you fire it forward at the target

[Spideysenses]

You should be daen this. You need tae get off yer fat er$e and earn yer keep. Mind who tacks care oh who...kane far yer bread is buttered....I winna be whipped by eny wooman..specially nae the like oh you....kane hoo lucky you are tee have landed on yer feet wi me....seein as far you come fae...least you could do is
...I'll hae you pit awa fur a holiday on the ferm....

What did your last slave die of? Listening to the same broken record over and over?

[Spideysenses]

I had to leave odd flame. It was over. Escape first.
My family were giving me no options. Be an enabler to an alcoholic or we wash our hands of you. They were not consciously aware that this was the plan. To begin with I was not either. Living with a manipulative addict and the lengths they will go to to get what they want is mentally and emotionally draining and in turn your physical health takes a beating. They don't care about your life or the stress you have at work. They want their medicine, their fix above all else. I hadn't seen the ugliest side as a child. Now I was experiencing it first hand. I could never rest up in this situation. I did need help to get away from it. Odd flame must have been thanking his lucky stars when I melted down. " Ya dancer, ya beauty, it is ah mine! Her femly don't give a monkeys about her or whit ither folk say and naebiddy gies jobs tae folk whove bin in the funny ferm when they find oot. They'll niver afford a solicitor ever. Deluded $$$## thinks she is a writer. She may as weel nae hae a femly... Whit eese is thone hing to anybiddy. She's nae gittin a single teaspoon fae the hoose."
He is just a kidder. He's a boy. A quiet loon. Boys fight. That won't cut it. Actions have consequences.

[Spideysenses]

I do not entertain their post-work moods and outbursts. If the boy at work has been winding him up, he will come home and throw torrents of abuse at me.
Where I am from? I am from the same side of the tracks as you!
Those who don't come from money and become successful or work their way up are usually worse bosses than those who always were comfortable or wealthy. When harassment is disguised as banter or character building

[Spideysenses]

These novels are examples of how not to write fiction. They are propaganda-like constructs where an author turns their characters into mouthpieces for their ideas and philosophy. I can see how city rats and artists/performers would fall for this depiction of striving against all odds to keep one's individualism. It is not fiction let alone literature.

[Spideysenses]

I don't shy away from tough subject matter. If my books are niche then they are so. Don't follow the crowd or jump on the bandwagon. But don't rock the boat. Too late.

[Mr. Nobody]

You are a god, peering into that physical realm from afar, from the future perfect,
Looking into that dim undeveloped past,
The land of the unconscious, identified, sleepwalking brethren.
Here and yet there,
There, where they were still primitive,
Believing in nations, in separation,
They still hadn't realized unity in that distant past,
And yet you were here, now, perfectly clear.
Forever perfect,
You weren't this body,
More like, this body was the nearest corner of the physical realm that you were peering into,
There was only the degree of present awareness, no other value could be applied, as identification was pointless,

Awareness of the present moment was all that mattered, and was all that was needed
And was all that fulfilled, more than all the riches in all the world's.

Like that first life to crawl out of the sea and draw that first breath and gaze upon the stars,
So, you too were the conscious from of that forever moment, frozen in the timeless now of eternity, always fresh, always new, always now, forever awake, forever alone.

[Spideysenses]

I have found that loud and obnoxious co-workers tend to burn out very quickly. The ones who muscle in past everyone don't stay very long. Onto the next conquest.
Just because a person is more reserved doesn't mean that they have inadequate interpersonal or social skills. Do employers take on larger-than-life personalities as first impressions count the most? Get your foot in the door or finger in the pie first and then calculate the next move. It is all wrong. But I know that putting on a mask or psyching yourself up has to be done. To survive. To make a living. I think that's why I held so tightly onto my writing dream. It felt like the one place I could be myself.

[Spideysenses]

Originally Posted by Spideysenses

I had to leave odd flame. It was over. Escape first.
My family were giving me no options. Be an enabler to an alcoholic or we wash our hands of you. They were not consciously aware that this was the plan. To begin with, I was not either. Living with a manipulative addict and the lengths they will go to to get what they want is mentally and emotionally draining and in turn, your physical health takes a beating. They don't care about your life or the stress you have at work. They want their medicine, their fix above all else. I hadn't seen the ugliest side as a child. Now I was experiencing it first-hand. I could never rest up in this situation. I did need help to get away from it. Odd flame must have been thanking his lucky stars when I melted down. " Ya dancer, ya beauty, it is ah mine! Her femly don't give a monkeys about her or whit ither folk say and naebiddy gies jobs tae folk whove bin in the funny ferm when they find oot. They'll niver afford a solicitor ever. Deluded $$$## thinks she is a writer. She may as weel nae hae a femly... Whit eese is thone hing to anybiddy. She's nae gittin a single teaspoon fae the hoose."
He is just a kidder. He's a boy. A quiet loon. Boys fight. That won't cut it. Actions have consequences.

A violent temper should not be dismissed as normal for a man. Flying into a rage is not losing one's temper. Years of persistent abuse cannot be excused as being said in the heat of the moment or stress from work. Abusers never apologise because that would mean facing up to the damage they have done. It wasn't stress from work and trying to make money. We had that darn ST model car (in his head still just a poor man's Subaru so not good enough for a high calibre of a man ).
I was capable of having better employment chances if we moved. But he wanted it all his way. Life is not about making money. But I was miserable in my means to an end. Massively understimulated mentally and wasting my intellectual brain power and potential. I needed a purpose in my day-to-day life and not a revolving door brain dumped in the bucket before you enter and start. That's why I read so much. He couldn't concentrate on or understand nearly all the classics I read. Not that I ever asked him to try. Like my old friend, he seemed to think if I could do so without trying, then he was more than capable of doing what I could. And yes I was angry when he accused me of projecting, when he was being infantile and not listening. One, because he was completely wrong and immovable in his false convictions. And two, because I hate pop psychology and armchair psychologists. I couldn't do anything but think: Act your age and not your shoe size.
I had every right and more to feel anger towards my parents as ..... mentions their drinking in the pub and not being there too. Do as we say not as we do.
Odd flame was an abusive and possessive bully. I cried more times than I would argue back. He threatened to hit me countless times. Threw his weight around. He did push me over and trip me up when sober and he did lean on my chest until I passed out when he was drunk. He would grab and squeeze my arms as a warning. He would have temper tantrums. He was not a person you wished to upset or anger. Volatile is putting it mildly. Anger. Explosive temper. Bottling up emotions. He has a screw loose. I was depleted. Exhausted. Without fighting with other men on nights out he needed an emotional punchbag. Thank god I got out.

[Spideysenses]

I know that damages will not erase the past. I know that I cannot turn back the clock and live the life I lost or should have had. I will make the most of what I can still have and do. It is not about the years that have passed. It is about a future that will last.

[Spideysenses]

What doesn't break you, sets you free

[Spideysenses]

We Came As Romans Lyrics

"Tear It Down"

I'll tear it down
I'll tear it down

You flew way too high
Way too close to the sun
Feel the power that you're falling from above
Another tale of failed ambition
Greed and wealth feeding your addiction

What's it like to wear a crown of dirt
Selling all those lies with a stupid smirk
What's it like to live the life of greed
Buying everything that you want in play
Don't get too comfortable up in the sky
Your mistakes, they all come with a price

(I'll tear it down)
Kingdom built on lies
(You know it won't)
Stand the test of time
(I'll tear it down)
Crown of blood you built won't stand for a lifetime
(I'll tear it down)
Kingdom of demise
(You're know it won't)
Stand the test of time
(I'll tear it down)
Crown of salt you built won't stand for a lifetime

Wings took you up
But your selfish and you don't know when to stop
Keep repeating the failed ambition
Affluence fueling your dependence
What's it like to wear a rusted crown
When you know your name will never resound
What's it like to be king for a day
When you know they won't even remember your face
Don't get too comfortable up in the sky
Your mistakes, they all come with a price

(I'll tear it down)
Kingdom built on lies
(You know it won't)
Stand the test of time
(I'll tear it down)
Crown of mirth you built won't stand for a lifetime
(I'll tear it down)
Kingdom of demise
(You know it won't)
Stand the test of time
(I'll tear it down)
Crown of of filth you built won't stand for a lifetime

You know you did this to yourself
Your only focus was on your wealth
Now you flew too close to the sun
You're outdone
Now I'm gonna break you down
Overthrow the crown
Now I'm gonna break you down
Overthrow the crown
Overthrow the crown

(I'll tear it down)
Kingdom built on lies
(You know it won't)
Stand the test of time
(I'll tear it down)
Crown of fools gold you built won't stand for a lifetime
(I'll tear it down)
Kingdom of demise
(You know it won't)
Stand the test of time
(I'll tear it down)
Crown of dissolution you built won't stand for a lifetime

(I'll tear it down)
Kingdom built on lies
(I'll tear it down)
Crown of greed you built
(I'll tear it down)
Kingdom of demise
(I'll tear it down)
Crown of blood and bone you built fell

[Spideysenses]

Don't write books about them. Write lots of books because of them. Write good books despite them.

[Spideysenses]

I have nothing left to give. Echo of a retiring sports star. That's how I felt at twenty-three. I wasn't what they wanted. I can't go through this with another person again. The elephant was going to keep on growing as long as I stayed until it crushed me. Nowhere to go. Everyone pretended it was not there to my face and fed it behind my back thinking I couldn't see. I knew I couldn't bury it. I had to burn every scrap. I didn't expect I'd get help. To take this further than I'd anticipated or hoped for. I was hoping to write a semi-autobiographical novel or memoir and move on. I had no idea what would come next. Being a writer was the life meant for me all along. I wanted the old me back. Not this shadow I had become. Usurp.

[Spideysenses]

In the age of cancel culture, are we all beginning to ask: is funny power anymore?