If it is not broken

[Spideysenses]

Any person with a shred of humanity would never have put me through what old flame did. I had been in hospital because of my life. They saw how to plant a seed had turned on me and harassed me. They saw my friends were all for themselves. They and their friend witnessed my biological father in the bar. They knew my parents had spent more time in the pub than at home and were not there for me. They knew that I was supposed to have been a career woman. They should have known.

[Spideysenses]

What did I want? A peaceful loving home. I needed to be able to use my brain. No one had the right to say and enforce that I didn't deserve anything or anyone because I was in rehab in the hospital for one month. To take joy in me being reduced to a shadow of my former self. I never relied on anyone. I wasn't going to start then. Going it alone is not being alone. It is breaking away from people who don't want the best for you. This is my home too. It won't go away.

[Spideysenses]

What type of parents ignore a positive prognosis? My parents. What amount of greed and evil can drive a person to threaten to put someone in the hospital and try and pull the wool over everyone's eyes while twisting the blade? See odd flame.

[Spideysenses]

Abusive people never apologise. Come hell or high water this had to happen. I will finish what has been put in motion. I didn't start this. I am part of it. This is my home too.

[Spideysenses]

Would I have applied to a supermarket multiple times if I could have had a job that provided me with training and skills? An apprenticeship for example. Was my only option in life to hope that I become manager of the customer service, tills or clothing department? God, is this a joke? In a country soaked in toxic elitism, why would a working-class young woman who knew all about the harsh reality want to compete with others who had well-connected and well-off families? Nursing and social care and teaching were pursued by the women I went to school with. I felt like I had received no encouragement from any teacher apart from English teachers. And half-heartedly in science. I could have taken physics as well as biology and chemistry in my third year. But I'd built this wall and I turned to creative outlets. I got far in sport. So I left to work so I could pay for my sport. Planning to return to education. But once I left and had the time to reflect it was clear that I had decided to take the artist's road early in my high school career. Realising how hard it was to find jobs and what I had to do to get my foot in the door made me question what people would do to get more desirable jobs. Or what they would do to get ahead of other people. And with my sport, I was aware of how people will use others until they are no longer of any use to them and waste no time in finding someone else.

[Spideysenses]

Don't believe the auld blokes in the pub who say that school days are the best days of your life. No ice in my whisky! Cider is gut rot. Gies the paint stripper voddy. Full-fat coke (a cola). He is one...juvenile p####, bairny b######

[Spideysenses]

It only takes one book
End

[Spideysenses]

The number 4 is considered unlucky in Chinese culture. It sounds like death

[Spideysenses]

Odd flame hated everyone. I'm OK. It's everyone else who isn't. Do you think I was sad in the slightest to see that waste of skin go to the groond? Drove ma grandparents to an early grave. I wiz made tae cerray the coffin. Junkie scum. Scum of the earth.
N.b. Not the author's opinion

[Spideysenses]

No more wallowing. It is time

[Spideysenses]

The most crushing part of melting down at twenty-three was that I had done what was right. I had gotten back on track. I worked and studied nonstop. Odd flame wouldn't have taken that job without me. Wouldn't have been on the property ladder without me. Would not have had an emotional punchbag. I worked and visited my grandparents at the weekend because I liked the peace and seeing their dogs. I knew I needed to rest more. But it just wasn't possible. I had bills to pay and a house to take care of. The stigma was to blame for all parts of my life. It was odd flame that pushed me over the edge. I would pay for leaving him without his permission - in his mindset. I told my mum we were over on the phone. I told her first. Hand on heart, that's what I had to do.
I'd worked so d### hard, got back on track and I was left powerless and stranded adrift. The stigma could not be beaten by one person. It was not the stigma alone. I really was with a real rotter. My nerves were frayed and I was depleted. I needed time and space to recover from the trauma. I couldn't be expected to look after an alcoholic relative after looking after odd and being subjected to his abuse and games all those years?

[Spideysenses]

I guess that my ol dear did have motherly instincts, by keeping me away from my blood father. I saw the psychological toll. It wasn't easy. The pavement wasn't all her fault. It was his. Life hadn't been kind to him. I didn't want to abandon ship at sixteen. I had to choose. He wasn't a good person when I met him. I recognised the passive aggression and depression as a youth. When he went back to welding he cruelly derided my job. And me. Being like my mum when I raise my voice once. He didn't need much to revert to his snide and spiteful ways.
He didn't ask if I wanted my possessions when he moved. The mini-stroke was not the whole crux of my blood father's troubles. His smoking caused it. He didn't stop and was stuck in the past. This was his addiction.
I wasn't a lad who was going to play football on the weekend and then follow in his footsteps and be a soldier. What exactly are you going to be? Not like you. I'll carve my own path. We cannot talk again. Water under the bridge.

[Spideysenses]

Abusive people never apologise. If the possessiveness hadn't turned into control and violence. It was still doomed to fail. Odd would never have moved to another town or city for me. I was never getting married under someone else's god either.

[Spideysenses]

You shouldn't speak down to a child the way you speak to me! We have been together for how long? You still can't have an adult conversation with me. Stop talking at me. I will leave you know

You're nae gittin a mutt. Vets bills. One chance. Nae chance. What if the motor gets pranged?

So I'm "nae alood" to get a dog? You can't dictate my life, you get worse and not better

You canna afford ane. The like oh u?

That is completely untrue. You have to win. Grow up.
We are on the property ladder. Give it some time. I will find better work when the dust settles

Efter..? You will niver..

I can still have a career. I would have a better job tomorrow if we moved but you will never move

Quit bumping yer gums or ill shut yer mush for yeh. He laughs

I'd just be as well speaking to a brick wall

[Spideysenses]

Jungs archetypes in art therapy weren't going to show me that just because I'd been unfairly treated in the past that I could still have a future. It is safe to say that I don't take any notice of misjudged hearsay, malicious gossip or hurtful speculations. I do however measure every word I say carefully. I know the importance of choosing the right words. Those who mind don't matter.

[Spideysenses]

Twenty-eight days. Was I prepared to spend my life trying to remove the millstone from around my neck? I am a writer. I don't need to worry about references anymore. I don't have to work to the bone to prove myself. I don't have to worry about disclosing the bipolar. Because I will stand up and talk about it only if it is needed. Knowing that it may be the reason I survived my life and not the reason it has been tumultuous. Living in fear pushed me to the brink at twenty-three. I am not brave. I can't cower away. So do I feel like I am where I am supposed to be in life? Yes. I am in the mind space I wish to be.

[Spideysenses]

What do you get if you pay peanuts? Monkeys.
How do you get rid of a circus? Aim for the Jugular.

[Spideysenses]

Endangered Species

Song by Flaw

Overview

Lyrics

Main results

I try to simplify, these thoughts that plague our minds
What is this mood we're in, we live like saints with sin
How much to dignify, the facts that come to light
We've lost the will to fight

At the top of the food chain we arrive (we arrive)
Are we destined to grow old
Are we really the right strain to survive (to survive)
We've got to redeem our souls, souls

Unable to comply, so eager to defy
The risk when you apply,
It hurts when loved ones die
Where is the moment when,
Existence will depend
The test of now and then

If we keep on living like we are
There isn't a chance that we'll get very far
So much waster, so much lost
It's out job to alter the terrible cost

If we keep on living like we are
There isn't a chance that we'll get very far
So much waster, so much lost
It's out job to alter the terrible cost

We are the endangered species
We're running out of time
We are the endangered species
We're running out of time

[Spideysenses]

Why was ten scared? Because seven ate nine

[Spideysenses]

I was never going to stay with a person who tried to make me feel like I was forever in their debt. They were not going to get away with what they had done. I knew that. Everyone could see that. Not him. It is impossible to forgive a person until they face responsibility for the damage they have caused. Then I will cross the bridge when I come to it. Out of the woods and breathe......

[Spideysenses]

Sometimes it is necessary to dull emotions to get by. The brain will do it by instinct as a survival mechanism.

[Spideysenses]

If odd had trouble finding an apprenticeship after school? I tried for office junior and admin trainee positions. I was aware of the unconscious bias. If the job didn't go to a young man then it would go to an outgoing "bubbly" young woman. Not always. The Scottish take pride in telling it like it is, but don't go too far and be dour or a greeting faced...
If there are over a hundred applicants, then I was going to have to psyche myself up, put on a mask and make my natural voice louder. I had to want that type of work. And I didn't. I hated administration and computing at school. Technical drawing and photography didn't stir any passion either. I felt like a one-trick pony at art.
Go to university so I can chill and smoke weed and drink for a year before reality hits? (The first half was what my numbnuts cousin said, chill and do drugs seriously) Get into mountains of debt. I was not that rebellious. I just wanted a job that wasn't as mind-numbing as the means to an end I'd had to accept. I was thrawn. I wasn't going to be moulded and told I needed to "come out of my shell." That being me wasn't acceptable. Men are permitted to be more reserved. Women are not in employment. Your appearance and your personality are under scrutiny from the get-go. Women are not taken on in merit as often as men are. Get along with colleagues and respect clients. Do your job to the best of your abilities. It's nowhere near enough. Getting a foot in the door can seem like an out-of-reach dream. Have kids and go part-time. It's inevitable, don't make noise about it.
Settle into the nine-to-five. Be a snobby so-and-so who needs to remember where they come from and who has nothing to feel high and mighty about. I could have gone to art school with or without a rehab stay. Without I could have gone on to do a Nursing degree and been an art therapist. After rehab, I still could have had a career. The ones whose opinion counted said I still could. My mind was set on writing. I'd regret never trying to develop my art. At the same time, I needed to make a living. I had to take care of myself because neither my mum nor my blood father took care of themselves never mind looked out for me. I had a reason to push myself. A supermarket job was never going to give me the start in life I needed. I couldn't save to think about widening my job search when I had to pay rent to my parents. When I knew that they didn't want me under their roof for long. I was already living on borrowed time after not joining the forces at sixteen. But I had nothing to fall back on if I went to university either. So I decided that art was my way. Thankfully. My writing saved me. No one else. I owe no one.

[Spideysenses]

I don't talk about it. I don't like talking about it. To be able to write about life and not what it is like to be made into a sub-human being, is the reason to persist. To heal the wound and never reopen Pandora's box.

[Spideysenses]

How could I get back to my old self if I felt like I had no future? I was stuck and miserable. My friends had become acquaintances. A company left the door open for me to come back. I didn't realise how depleted I was. How my nerves were in shreds.

[Spideysenses]

A blog will disappear into the ether. A book is set in stone. That is the crossroads I find myself at. One more year.

[Spideysenses]

A person does not get used to or adapt to being treated and seen as a subhuman being. I had to find a way to deal with the anger and anguish. I thought that all I had was my brain growing up. I had already given up more than I should have had to and it was making me depressed. Depression cannot be removed by force on a crash course. It takes years and years to rebalance and work through. Odd wanted me where he wanted me. He was hellbent on his agenda believing he would get away with it Scott-free. I'm afraid not.

[Spideysenses]

Why wid anyone be possessive oh the like oh you? Whit makes you so special? It's ah in your saft mind. It is ah in yer haed. The mentality oh yah. My feel aunt could dae yer wishy washy number oh a job. They dinna care about you. Yer ane femly dinna gae a fleein f"""' about you. They've niver seen oor hoose or niver visit. Do you kane hoo lucky you are tae hae me? Hit me. Mon en. You canna. So...
Why do you do this? Honestly, why do you have to do this? What are you trying to achieve?

[Spideysenses]

What did I want? A loving peaceful home with a person to make good memories with. See places. Not a person who set out to crush my self-worth ensuring I'd pay - even with my life - if I left him.

[Spideysenses]

There was going to come a day when I was tired of being taken for a fool. Again. I'd worked too hard, to accept a life of derision and fear. I had gotten so far in sport and it was not my strong suit. My brain is. I was tired of going against the grain. But doing that I think gave me more determination and will. Meeting with friends who had been through what I'd been through, made me fully realise that others need this book(s) as much as I do. I did not have to become a downtrodden long-suffering housewife who took in between jobs. But I was imperfect in their eyes. So they were planning to leave me when the time was right for them. I escaped before they could break me down any further. Leaving was only the first step.

[Spideysenses]

It didn't matter how hard I worked. If people were going to allow him to do what he wanted, with no consequences to follow, then they were willingly complicit.