If it is not broken

[Spideysenses]

One of my childhood friends said that I did not show my emotions. That she could not tell if I was excited or having fun sometimes. She was making an observation not trying to be critical. Early on I had teachers who commented that I was shy but it stopped when my confidence grew. Later on not applying myself when working on my own artistic projects was mislabelled. I was led to believe that my shyness was the root cause of a lot of my grief. Coupled with not being well off and living with repressed hard nuts. I had it all in the wrong order. Being a little shy was not to blame for being abused by family or family friends. It is absurd to have blamed myself in any way shape or form I know. I made some mistakes but I had reasons for all my choices.
It was the people in my life who were to blame and not myself. The world is made of different types of people or it would not function. I was not permitted to show my emotions. I was not allowed to have an opinion. My grandparents often snapped: little girls should be seen and not heard. Yet I was jilted for being too shy even when I overcame it. My life was riddled with contradiction. So learning lies from the truth was what I set out to do. Art exposes lies if it comes from the heart and the head is tuned and receptively listening. Forget the world is a stage. To make something look effortless takes a lot of work. Sacrifice and tears.

[Spideysenses]

How Does Emotional Abuse Compare to Physical Abuse?

It’s impossible to say that any type of abuse is worse than another. All kinds of abuse are damaging, and they all have a severe impact on the victim’s mental health. Also, physical abuse rarely happens without the accompaniment of emotional abuse and neglect. Research indicates that the resulting mental health problems are similar regardless of whether the maltreatment is physical, psychological, sexual, emotional, or some combination.

This principle is true whether the abuse is directed at the victim or if the violence is against someone else and only witnessed by the victim. For example, children who witness domestic violence between their parents may be equally as traumatized as those who suffer violence against their own bodies.

While the damage may be similar no matter the type of maltreatment, each type does have some hallmarks www.mhs-dbt.com

[Spideysenses]

Tough love? I really don't know. When my blood father showed up, he cut me off from my mum, the relationship changed due to him. I look happy in the photographs before then. I cannot remember primary three or four at primary school. Was it the bullying from my teacher the year prior along with the upset and turmoil my father caused that has resulted in this memory block? There was never one bad thing in my life. I would be forgiven for thinking that forces were conspiring against me. But I would say that it cannot be that common to be beaten down at home as well as by teachers. To have no safe haven. I was supposed to be encouraged to strive. My life felt like a cold vacuum as everyone around me was closed off from me. It did not feel like anything would get better. And it is a struggle to not blame yourself. Every day is a battle to get through.
Would a hypnotist help with this or should I leave it as my brain intended? To stay where it has been stored. I favour the latter.

[Spideysenses]

I forgot how meditative cross-stitch can be. I try and set aside fifteen minutes here and there to stitch. I do nonograms. Used to do sudoku.

[Spideysenses]

My Gran. My belongings. My job. Before that, I went through hell at home. He made my mum worse, re-opened old wounds, and forced me to sit on the fence. It may sound insignificant but I was really upset when he took his friend's daughter to pick and name my Grans dog. Why not me? His friend's daughter was loud and brash. It was a case of rejection. I felt rejected by him too. I was a disappointment and he made sure I knew. A ten-year-old child does not know what they are going to be when they don't have someone to model themselves on and look up to. It was easy to figure out what would not do me good or make me happy. But his mental health was in bad shape so he would never understand my choices. It was not that I was too selfish to not fill the void of his failures. He wanted a boy who followed in his footsteps but succeeded or nothing. He would have sold my soul to the devil to buy a ticket back to his army days. I was well aware.
The last time. All my childhood possessions. Make my Horlicks. Get a "real" job. I raise my voice one solitary time. It was entirely justified. He replies with "selfish b#### like your mother." Show emotion. Weak. Woman. B####. Slander.
Blaming me. Everyone blamed me. Life is a beach and then you marry one was his life motto. So I gave up hope of a career or moving to get my life back on track, for someone else, and it made me sick. Instead of breaking the cycle, I was drawn into it. I have made it this far. No more looking back. Artists and writers are not lazy. I know first-hand that I have a hard time relaxing and switching off. But thankfully I was never stupid or self-destructive enough to try anything illegal and uncontrolled. Or ran away with a soldier or a heavy metal band.

[Spideysenses]

I was protected by employment law. To a degree. I could request representation or attempt to sue. But a secure job meant more than winning a tribunal. But yes winning would help to get another job. I was committed and did not change jobs unless I had to.
An employer cannot request a person's medical records without consent. So they should never ask. It is a sign the employer does not want to keep you on. In smaller communities, it happens more frequently. A person can say they were cutting their losses and not forced out of the door. I always choose to cut my losses realsing that some struggles are not worth the time and pressure (ignorant idle gossip, backstabbing). Best to move on. Live to fight another day. Leave people to their own agendas. Carve one own's path.
But if I had work worth holding onto, I would have fought my case. Or I would have moved away. Something told me I needed to stay. Intuition. Foresight. This is my home too. I can write anywhere.
If it were not for my art, I would have kept trying for the jobs I missed out on by a whisker. Rested up and tried again.
I had the ability to be a specialist in an academic field of study. I could have completed a doctorate. But life has other plans. Of course, I wish I had not had to go to rehab. No one on earth would subject themselves to stigmatisation. It is either get help or die self-medicating for some. I worked through the regret and the crushing depression that followed. Saw that I was a shadow of my former self and had to do something about it. I did not anticipate the time scale.

[Spideysenses]

Odd : What is worse than being a waste oh skin scrounging scum oh the earth druggie?
-I am not entertaining your so called jokes today or any day for that matter
Odd: Being a buftyboy or a ####diver is. Should eat a bullet. Ah oh em. Cattle bolt tae the haed.
-Who upset you today?
Odd: Countries gone to the dogs. Wimmen hinkin they can dae fit I can dae. The quine will niver. Why get her hopes up? Get er telt.....En I came hame tee...
-Come home to what?
Odd: You. Anither delusional ....wimmen...dae wihoot....
- You get worse instead of better. You are mad because you had to work with a girl for one day? You were going to say your life has gone to the dogs. And anyway I am out working aswell. If we moved I would have had a better job yesterday. I get no peace at home. You will never change. Tomorrow you

Trigger warning - homophobic language, extreme ideology

[Spideysenses]

A sign. Ammend a dead certainty.

[Spideysenses]

Was ....trying to say that growing up as a child, if I did not have them and had my blood father, I would have been in foster care because his mental state was in such a dire predicament? It borders on nazism to say that apples do not fall far from the tree. That my fate was set by spitefulness. With mental health genes are only one small part of the puzzle for many. My life and the people in it were 99% of the puzzle. My life was 100% of the reason why I was left with no other choice but to pour all into writing

[Spideysenses]

I have all I need and all I need is here

[Spideysenses]

I did not miss the boat. I chose not to take one boat, knowing there were other paths to embark on.

[Spideysenses]

When asked if I would like my artwork, it did occur to me that they were trying to help. But I could not shake the thought that like other people in my life, they simply wanted rid of it all and traces of me. I was an embarrassment. A failure. A lost cause. Not worthy of being a role model to other students. When in fact, they were trying to give me a pointer. To be fair I do not blame anyone for not wanting to have a heart-to-heart chat when I have seen the horror stories people tell, up close. I was good at art because I was afraid to write in English. My parent's bark back then. An enforced silence was instilled in me during my upbringing. I did what I needed to do and teachers forget that students have home lives. I had nowhere to do art at home if I went to college in my district anyway.

[Spideysenses]

Retraumatisation

[Spideysenses]

I wish you would go out without me.
Odd: Why do you wint me out the hoose hm? So you can s around behind my back?
I can't believe you would say that. I won't ask for an apology as I will never get one. I will leave. I should have left long before now. You do not respect women at all.
Odd: Respect? Whit you a spear chucker noo jungle bunny? Fit ye gan tae dae glake?
I do not want to fight! Not with you or anyone. I won't ever.

[Spideysenses]

"Ma bosses need someone to clean the bogs."
It was the intention behind the proposition and not the job in itself. I cleaned while I studied and had another job. It tided me over. Janitorial work is a necessity in the world of work and an honest living.
Odd had an agenda: "everyone thinks that you are damaged goods and have not recovered. You no longer have a brain or a future outside of me. See you are screwed. Goosed. Ma bosses kane, abiddy kanes, everyone." Then the tack changes to: "naebiddy hinks or speaks aboot you. Fit elephant? It is ah in your mind. A cuckoo in yur haed mare like" Ok Billy Connelly.
I needed a career where I could use my talents and my brain. Why a person would want me to remain a shadow of my former self was madness. It was their illness and cruelty. Odd had a screw loose.
Black and white thinking. Blame shifting. A volatile violent temper. Possessive. Controlling: wanting all control so desperately that they'd use violence and ruin someone else to get what they wanted. Not knowing when to stop drinking or when to stop period. In fights or with me. Blind denial of all wrongdoing. Telltale borderline signs.

[Spideysenses]

When a person comes from a background like mine, it is incredibly easy to fall into the trap or way of thinking: when I have this I'll be happier. This is usually money. Those who had money seemed to be more content and self-assured while I tried to blend into the background and keep my head down. Then it sometimes changes to, I just want to be comfortable and not have to worry or argue about money at home. I chose to reach for happiness and not be a passing recipient of fate. The path of uncertainty. Comfort had to take a back seat for as long as it took.

[Spideysenses]

I could have adopted the mindset that the hospital had robbed me of everything. Had stolen everything that made life worth living. My family enforced that it was my blood father's genes to blame. So effin whit. Well en. Game over. Just like him. The professionals I spoke to were positive and gave a good prognosis to both me and my parents. So I forgave the meetings I was not present for. What type of parents ignore a good prognosis in favour of conspiracy theory? I have learned that some people will be machiavellian because they believe they will get away with it. Better the devil you know. The grass is not always greener on the other side.

[Spideysenses]

Ma cousin was a real junkie.

So taking anti-depressants makes me an unwitting junkie?

Nut but...you'll niver be anyhin noo...and you brought it ah on yursell...pipe doon...get ower it....face you will niver....

Because of one month? I was not in prison

May as weel ave bin..you are lucky..

So you can treat me how you please? And do you think the doctors fed me a pack of lies through pity? Just to make me feel better? No. That would be malpractice! Would a doctor tell a stage four cancer patient that they have a hundred percent chance of survival? Think about it. When there is promise of recovery that is the prognosis.

Weel I kane oh a boy who kilt anither boy, did manslaughter in the jaiyal, and he managed to get a decent job. You? One month in thone place.. and nae c### will hae you. Yer ane femly dinna wint you.. you have brought me doon.....saddled me for life....kane hoo lucky you are tae hae me...

Why on earth does that story bear any resemblance to me? I was in hospital for a month. There is no connection whatsoever. You do not know when to stop. I was talking about the doctor and not the work situation. I know that women are punished for the most minor failures compared to what men can get away with. I have never been in a fight or hurt anyone.
I would have moved long before now. What has staying with you brought me but grief and being treated like dirt? You have used violence to get what you want. Your work are scared you will go off like a ticking time bomb and go to prison so they cave in. I am fed up of caving in to you. For what? Everyone cleans up after you. I am done.

Whit do ye expect ye saft haeded glake? Ward Fouwer. That is ah am gan tee say gleeb. Who was in ward number fou-wer ? So who should quit bumpin their gums hm? Glakid b^##h.

(The last word of course and f### you I am not risking lazer eye surgery for anyone, calm)
Women in the hospital are alway's victims and people who use their brain for a split second realise that.

[Spideysenses]

I will never say a word about not showing up because I was not a boy. I have not spoken aloud. There is no need. Sleeping dogs will lie on my part. For everyone. As long as "Olympic club of excellence" keeps his distance. Stay's completely away from everyone he should stay away from. No one sees him as a pillar. His reputation precedes him. I do not need to do anything. But I will release if he does not keep his oar out.

[Spideysenses]

Live while you are young? Go back to being young? I have never been able to live. Never be free of worry and stress. Someone like me? Prejudice in the beloved envy of the world? First do no harm?
I am the only one who really could have made a difference in their life. Maybe I could have hopped back on the horse. But I guess that is how the other half lives. Story of my life. Miss a chance and have to wait and work and work and struggle some more. Some blind self-centred fool steps in and makes matters worse.
The stark difference between some and then the understanding of: it must be harder for you.

[Spideysenses]

I blamed ward siwang. Then for not having the personality to fit in. But the top reason was that I was too clever to stay. Then Holocaust tattoo.

[Spideysenses]

If we had had kids, him, his family and my family would have painted a picture of him looking after me and the family. I could not live under that lie. Should never have had to accept that. The converse would have been true. I would have raised the family while he drank, slouched around with his hands in his pockets, looked for fights and brawls, called everyone from heaven to hell, went out on his motorbike or car and pounded his chest claiming he was a saint. At work when "the boy does nothing" came on the radio, I would be joining in with colleagues. It is inevitable. The long-suffering down trodden trouble and strife. Everyone has their own lives to be getting on with so die quietly will you?

Knowing that my family think that men should work and go to the pub unencumbered by no other stresses. That his sister tried to advise me to beg to get a stop-gap job back that I chose to leave as I did not gel with the click and layoffs were on the horizon anyway. Why advise me to beg or play a sympathy card for a temporary job? It would have been humiliating. Clearly, their only line of thinking was: What options did I have after four? Take a punt but you will never. No. I was nothing like the other women. I could not fit any mould. I am not like that. I was not going to let one month dictate my life for as long as I lived. I had bigger fish to fry. One day I would live again instead of existing in limbo. I had to escape limbo. No other option.

I would have had to not only shelve my dream but give up entirely on gaining employment that gave me the challenge I needed and coveted. I would have had to give up my career and independence for an abuser. Everything for a person who planned to leave me at some point. He was clueless. He lied to himself and he lied to everyone. I could not trust him. He was the one who would have cheated if he had a clue. After five years together, he did not know that I could have taken all the sciences at Higher and Advanced- physics, biology and chemistry or gone to art school and developed my talent. He ignored me and spoke at me and not with me. What did he see me as? How did he perceive me? More accurately why did he have such a low and distorted view of women? I don't think I believe that someone hurt him. He just did not know how to treat and respect women. It was not only that being in rehab made me "damaged goods" in some misinformed people's eyes. One chance. Nae chance.
He honestly believed that women belonged as caregivers. Any other career women were trying to live in a man's world. The odd one or two can do it but so what. Oddities. Who you kane or who you sleep with. They must have had help. They only got in on equal opportunities or some (bull) "nonsense." That was odds view of women. They only "got places" because of their "feminine wiles" or for sectors and companies to "appear inclusive." Clueless.
My leaving would have shaken him enough to know that he could not try and use another person as his emotional punchbag. But it did not sting him that deeply. The only emotion he ever expressed was anger and rage. Hence why I was torn between despair and an SOS. He was angry that I left before he planned to move on. An egocentric infant. I want. I want. Take. Take. Mine. All mine. Whit aboot yay? Who gies a fleein f aboot you?

I felt like I was just there to fill a hole in his life until he found someone else. We could not erase the elephant but I would have moved away to art school with or without the elephant if I had had a caring family. I could crush the elephant given time. For him it was: now now now time is money money is time. Be hard and be feared to get money. I was not supposed to be with him and he did not want someone who some would perhaps see as "broken" (imperfect) because they were warped by the draconian conspiracy theories. If it is not broken do not fix it plastered across his social media page. Now that is brazen.

[Spideysenses]

I cannot go through this again. Another relationship like the one I fled. Am I not deserving of love and respect?
I did not want wildfire. I have always wanted a loving peaceful home. To have choices. Not to be shouted at that I was a beggar who had no business feeling like a chooser. Someone who can tell the truth. Honesty and integrity. Because I had been in rehab I was not permitted to leave when I was not getting what I needed intellectually. After one month I was not allowed to be happy only happy with my lot? The lot I was given amounted to less than nothing. I had nothing to my name. Just fear. Fear of not having a future or anything to look forward to. I had to grow up quickly. I was not going to stand idly by and watch others feed that wilder beast. I was going to tear it down piece by piece. Tooth by tooth. Organ by organ. Bone by bone. Pint by pint of blood at a time.

[Spideysenses]

Art is not the most sociable profession. My family won't and never have helped me. They are the ones who made it clear that as of sixteen I had to make my own way and look after myself.
I am considering trying the group after all and ignoring my family's pleas. Are they trying to protect themselves again? Preventing me from speaking?
I take jobs just as a means to an end. Jobs where I will never be respected or appreciated. There simply is no help available for me to get out of square one without grabbing the bull by the horns - a book. Or will I move to a horticulture college further south? I still need the book to do this. No stigma. No scapegoating. Only working like a dog. Age Eighteen to Twenty-Four.

[Spideysenses]

Fifteen to twenty-four it will have to be.
I feel sorry for someone when they have been wronged or let down by others. It is not the same as pity. I can admire someone and respect them while having sympathy for something they have been through. I am glad that there were people who understood that the last thing I wanted or needed was pity. The conspiracy theories were laced with scorn and malice. Poisonous tongues. People who used them were using them for their own ends. It was not a reflection of me. It was an attack to kick me when I was down. I was left "in the lurch." But made to feel like I deserved it because of Four.

[Spideysenses]

I was working full-time in tough conditions whilst studying at college. I was paying bills. I had dreams while I remained responsible. Yet everyone in my life made me feel like a burden. I was burdening someone else with the stigma. Few tried to see it from my side. All I had lost and had to regain. Somehow. Time was irrelevant. Let time go and you will feel better.

There is no heavier burden than unfulfilled potential. Before culmination, I had chosen the do-or-die path. It was like a horde of zombies behind me or a cliff edge in front of me and I had no choice but to jump into the fog. There was still the possibility I would become one of the living dead from the jump. But I did not have the luxury of time. And I could see further than some took me for. I could hear the sea and see the formation of new land in the distance, others could not. The dead will catch you they always do. You could not escape before so what hope do you have after?

Mortgage and a good job on the cusp of gaining a career. One way or another it was a career - a life with purpose - or nothing for me. To break down the elephant I had to give as good as I got, and fight back. If all it took was hard work and graft, I would never have been in rehab at all crushed by injustice and corruption in life. Being nice and friendly and working hard was not enough. Not when four cropped up. The right person for me would not make me feel stuck and trapped. But four. Remember four. How could I forget it for a second? I had lost friends. Hope for a career in my home area. My sports career is gone. My family now had the perfect excuse to be eternal selfish a-holes. I was the one who had to grow up quickly and I realised what had to be done. I could not run. I could not outrun a dragon that owned the sky. I had the same rights as everyone else and still, I was a prisoner of my past - one month - six years later. Sixteen years later...

[Spideysenses]

Many books written on the suffering of emotional and psychological abuse and how to heal, are written by medical practitioners who use a collection of personal stories from patients they have worked with. It is a good introduction and place to start. Then finding memoirs that do not take a tone of tragic proportions is a gruelling hunt. Some find their silver lining. Are more mental health memoirs needed? Without a doubt. I think that top of my list is the author William Styron. He is like the author's author on depression. I'm still searching for strong female voices.

[Spideysenses]

Why don't you ever say what you want to be when you are older?
I am a realist and I don't like to tempt fate.
Why don't you want to teach?
Kids are impressionable and soak up things like sponges. I argue with teachers all the time in case you haven't noticed.
You have to say something draft dodger.
I would like to write books.
As in an author of real books?
If you mean fiction then yes.
So you will be a professional liar...
No. There is a universal truth in fiction and stories. A storyteller is not a liar. If I had taken all three sciences I could have been a veterinarian. I could still be a veterinarian nurse. I want to see where art takes me. I do not have well-off or well-connected parents. Whatever I do I am taking a risk. So why take the safer risk? Or the risk I am supposed to take?
Good job you don't have pushy parents who draw up your study schedule or make you write essays for punishment.
Thank god. Those types of parents would have referred me to a psychiatrist.
That would be fun and games.
I would run away. Nah I could endure it til I was old enough. And psychiatrists have an oath of confidentiality to patients you know. My family would not want me to speak about anyone in my family. How religious they are in going to the body of the kirk.
Why did odd draw a mask on bear in the woods?
It was football bigotry. He thinks he is a football casual or fight club on the weekend. What do you do to go back to being single? Does not listen to anyone.
The anti-hero wins at the end of that novel. I never liked that book. Pessimistic. Grim. Fatalistic. Ah well, maybe you will have bonnie bairns.
Watch out my dad's a psycho on their t-shirts. And my Gran and Grandad are gangsters.
Maybe I will be with a woman instead

[Spideysenses]

Actions have consequences. Words can cut like knives.

[Spideysenses]

In nothingness there is no peace