If it is not broken

[Spideysenses]

I was no fool. I was not naive. I always had my feet on the ground. Kept my dreams close to my chest. Being a writer, feeling like my voice may be diminished or silenced was torture. Poison tongues can influence others to act. Can a person be so oblivious to the torture they put others through? I don't need to answer that. We all witness it happening to someone at some point. At eighteen I had experienced more psychological harm and abuse than many have in a lifetime. I took ownership of my pain. Knew that I could not use it as an excuse for the remains of my life. That I had to take charge and do what had to be done.
Give up and blame my rough upbringing? My unsupportive family scapegoated me. Terrible friends. A bad relationship that crushed my self-esteem and self-worth. Worse mentors and teachers. Beans. I was bullied and targeted by the very people who were supposed to guide me in life. Show me that there were opportunities out there for me. Those who were supposed to inspire the next generation. I had no one who was going to be proud of me. My family or click? The small snippets of encouragement were drowned out in the noise. Doubt, negativity, ignorance, malicious lies.

[Spideysenses]

Desensitised. That attempt at sympathy was embarrassing. I had a mortgage and a good, honest, rewarding and responsible occupation. A company left the door open for me. I was crushed. I was terrified and I fled. My Grandfather passed away. I was pulling away and the tectonic plates in the relationship had shifted since the night I should have phoned the police to make a statement. The quake had rattled me to the core. He phoned my parents and hashed a story knowing he had committed an offence. Knowing that I should have reported him. Four. Four. Four. Four. He shouts at me.

I cry and fall asleep on the sofa. Feeling powerless. He acts at the drop of hat. A switch goes off in his brain and it can't be stopped or contained. His reflex of defending himself at all costs no matter the damage to someone else is not natural but he won't ever face it. He won't do anything but drink. The wild look in his eyes. I saw what he was capable of. That I was seen as an adversary and not an equal. I do not set out to trigger his anger. We can all get triggered emotionally but what we do and how we act and deal with hurt is what counts and if we apologise and admit wrongdoing.

I leave without my family directly forcing me back to him. I need more than this and won't tolerate the abusive treatment any longer. The next time I would have brought charges. Because the next time he lost it, he would have pummelled me and he could not deny it. But I know how strong he is, and how he has the propensity to flip out and lose control. That is one risk no sane person would take. Leaving was not a risk. It was escaping with my life. He is not only physically unnaturally strong but he flies into a rage. With alcohol and without.

The relief was buried under the enormity of what I had done. I was so tired from the immense mental strength it had taken to leave and the stress and strain of what to do next. My family would not help. My friends were now acquaintances. I did not have a safe haven or place to stay for long. I had poured all I had into the god-forsaken house. Nothing to tide me over. I realised I had to quit my job. But what choice did I have?

[Spideysenses]

My mum let me know straight off the bat whose side she was on. Alway's the man. He did not leave me at eighteen so how dare I leave him and not expect any backlash? Lumbering him with years of stigma? I expected too much. After Four? No, I just wanted to not be a shadow of my former self any longer. I was quite literally withering away and my health was drastically suffering. I never asked much of him and I was the one expected to give up as much as he expected of me. Never happening in a month of Sundays. So yes we argued. I carved the lines in the stone. No further. I do not cave in.
My mum had been exposed to violence and wrongly accredited violence as strength. My Grandfather and Grandmother could not have been easy to live with. My Grandfather had a very short temper, and let it be known he ruled the roost. My Gran was a fully-fledged alcoholic who was dependent on alcohol. My Grandfather was the workaholic. I am sure my mum believed: violence is normal in men and that it is part of being a man. My repressed Grandparents led to her taking all the drugs under the sun at fifteen years old to her early twenties in her counterculture. She was messed up and messed herself up even more. A prime example of a spoilt a## forces brat.
My blood father broke her patience with his abuse. Everyone tried to make me out to be the broken one. I was not like her at home. Growing up where I am from, was I honestly going to not stand up for myself?
When I said she made my homelife hell I was not saying that phrase lightly. She lashed out at me and not my sibling which is hard for a young girl to comprehend. She fought with my stepdad of course. But he was her meal ticket. I was at the bottom of the pecking order. Just seeing me, was a reminder of the worst time of her life - my blood father's abuse. I could open my mouth to ask a question and be told before saying a single word - "Get the f### out of my sight. I cannot stand the sight of you." I tiptoed on eggshells that turned into burning hot coals.

My blood father had caused this. He mourned his army days and if he could not have a manly man's tradesman's job then he would spite the sky until he passed. Bitter, broken and defeated. Life is a b*### and then you marry one. That was his life motto that he would hang onto til the grave. It was hard to see that he had given up and that life had beaten him. Hurt people sometimes hurt other people. I had to cut the tie like my mum left for the sake of my own health and future.
I think he spoke about his army day's like it was yesterday so that people's first impression was that he was wounded in war and not by his mental health and a mini-stroke caused by chain smoking. His comrades deliberately shattered his leg. Not friendly fire. A friendly football match. He wanted a boy who played football at the weekend and then joined up. An extension of himself. It was madness. I dulled my emotions to bear my surroundings. Art was the only logical choice. It was more than a choice or a coping mechanism. It was survival. Art saves lives too.

[Spideysenses]

Was it better that my meltdown phase happened at eighteen rather than when I was embarking on my chosen career path? After my upbringing. Beans. I was going to need therapy if I succeeded. Therapy for feeling like a failure. Imposter syndrome. It was the right time for rehab for me. My drinking was becoming out of hand. I blacked out and was carried to a taxi by strangers one night. My friends were wild and out for themselves. I was actually the reserved one. I was not taking care of myself the way I should have been. I was young. Wanted to live my life. Drinking to get to sleep. Self-medicating. I felt unwanted and unloved. Can't beat em join em. Collapse.

[Spideysenses]

I was lucky that the doctors I had cared about their patients enough to ask questions about me and my life. But it should not be that way. It is a worry to think that a future generation who have grown up with the added pressures on body image by the distorted reality of social media may not have the help available to them if more doctors are not entering the profession. There will be a mental health epidemic caused by social media. I am not blaming the creators. It is the cultural misuse of the platforms.

[Spideysenses]

My writing will ensure that I can secure representation.

[Spideysenses]

Sue me. There will be a meeting. In court.

[Spideysenses]

And test your luck. It is not safe for young women. I was not a drug user. I was going to fully recover with space and time. I was already on the right track. I had art and scope for new work once I did it right this time and I was away from everyone. But I knew I had to finish what was started or I would need to in the future. I had to see it through to the end. I had support outwith.
I went through the domestic abuse channel. I would not have a chance to work through trauma living with and going back to family. A family who had put me through a lifetime of trauma and abuse. When questioned, they were more interested in my family than odd. Ok, you are away from the bad relationship now, and the family you are staying with you cannot stay with any longer. Just look forward. You need a career of your own. No one knows what happens behind closed doors. Welcome to a club no one wants to be a part of. It is not the way it is supposed to be, it is the way that it is (Not at all dismissive of my pain and what I had been through) You should not have to shoulder any guilt for escaping and surviving. Enjoy your hard-earned free time.

[Spideysenses]

Fear. Four.
Crushed self-esteem and worth. Four.
Scapegoated by family. Four.
Limited work for women. Four.
Village mentality gossip, conspiracy. Four.
Needs a good seeing to sympathiser. Four.
The meritocracy is a lie. Four.

[Spideysenses]

I will enjoy my free time
I have all I need and all I need is here

[Spideysenses]

Dead to me. I was dead to them. First I was not wanted because I was a girl. Then they take their friend's daughter who is the opposite of me - loud and gregarious. I am being polite. Brash b###chy loudmouth ruffian. That is still said with restraint.
Nothing was stopping them from taking me. So no I am not coming to London with you. You are supposed to ask my mum and not rely on me as a piggy in the middle. You never ever phone me. I have a mobile phone. You were in comms?
Things are bad enough at home for me. I am not asking. Not a hope in hell. Not that you care. You were the one who appeared and stirred it all up. If you never left the military you would never have contacted a solicitor to see me at all. Would have had no intention to get to know me. If you had not heard on the grapevine that I was very intelligent then you may have done what you should have. Moved away and gave us - me and who I call family - space. Control. Power. Another form of abuse. A boy to rise through the ranks. Sorry I did not fit the circle being a square. Who? I do not have a daughter. What are you talking about? Who are you talking about?
Fine by me. I never speak about you and I won't speak about you. I am not sorry for being my own person and not killing myself to get a title that an absent father wanted and approved of.

We fell out/ I cut the tie before a month in rehab. First, it was the way he treated my Gran his mum. When her dementia set in he did not cook for her or get her home help. Calling her the cat's mother. Then when she passed away he did not ask if I wanted any of my possessions I had kept while growing up. I gave him another chance when he came into my work asking for me. But he fell back into his snide ways. When I visited he would order me to get his cigarettes from the nearest shop and complain about the Horlicks or coffee I made. Not speak to me apart from criticising my job and asking why I was not looking for a proper job. My sports career was fading and I left school because I never got my subject choices and the teachers were not supportive. He would fold his arms and sleep on the chair and say he had a real job and was too tired to talk. Go to the technical college if you are too lazy for University or the Army. I told him that I needed an apprenticeship with an employer to get into technical college as things had changed. Well look for one. I told him that it was hard enough to get into the job I had at the moment. It would take time to find an opening somewhere else. I had work for the present time and I was keeping my eyes open. He tutted and said I was a lazy b###h like my mother. For the sake of my own health and well-being, I cut the tie and knew we would never speak again after that.
Of course, he told everyone it was because I never attended my grandmother's funeral. I was merely weeks out of rehab. My old dear, came up with her own messed up reasons even though I told her that he did nothing for my Gran and slammed my job constantly and that he was a terrible human being. When he got a job he liked he became worse and not better. Went on a power trip.

[Spideysenses]

Did you study Horticulture? They don't even cut the grass in Tornay!
They will be advertising for unpaid volunteers so the cats get to keep their bonuses and feather their nests. Give the youth experience, cut the grass for nought. A local company can provide the ride on mowers through the goodness of their hearts and community spirit.
Give up you. Do any Landscaping companies actually take on women at all, even at apprenticeship age?
Fair point. I don't think they even take on school leaver girls for the soft landscaping. The course is for those who want to start up on their own. It is most definitely geared towards self-start up. There was a garden design unit. I know my next move.
Yeah international spy of mystery.
Botanical Illustration.
Why did you not do art at college?
Because no one encouraged me when I needed it. Cause I am a snob. I did not see the point of doing it in Tornay. I thought that writing would be a faster exit. Nope. The rest is history.

[Spideysenses]

Hiccups. You have had more than ten pints. Not taking a dig. Maybe you will answer: why did you want to stay together?
F##k knows. Abiddy kanes I can dae better. You are nuhin special
Same every time. That is all I need to know.
Whit do you wint? Whit do YOU wint?

[Spideysenses]

I know the difference between impulsivity and spontaneity.

[Spideysenses]

To the out of touch, gulf of knowledge, it looks like Odd, the violent abusive ex-partner, could not have taken any more from me. But I know that it was just the start, and he would have taken it all. I had put up with years of abuse and almost given up hope of hanging onto my career and getting back to the old me who could see the road to a happier future.
But two questions I did not answer. He would have taken miles if I gave an inch. I would never have stayed with them for five years without siwang. I would have made an art portfolio and moved. Or moved and found work be it through college placements or securing the training I needed.
I was a nervous wreck from the constant barrage of invective and bullying. The belittling jokes, jibes, insults and verbal assaults. Then the threats and possessive control turn into physical violence. No respect at home or anywhere else. Burnt out, ground down. I had not had the chance to get back to where I was supposed to be after the meltdown. There is another way and I have no choice but to take it. It does not matter that people in my life won't ever understand. Now I know there are people out there who do.

[Spideysenses]

The end (of blogging) is nigh

[Spideysenses]

The ego says, ‘I shouldn’t have to suffer,’ and that thought makes you suffer so much more. It is a distortion of the truth, which is always paradoxical. The truth is that you need to say yes to suffering before you can transcend it.
Ekhartt Tolle

Suffer, but do not do it in silence.
If you are dying and close to breaking point, do not die quietly, call them out, cannot pour from an empty cup

[Spideysenses]

I am slightly worried about the reports I am reading claiming that depression is caused by a chemical imbalance is a myth. I have bipolar which has been scientifically proven to be a chemical imbalance. The causes are disputed. I have spoken to and spent time with many people who have recovered from spells of depression and not bipolar, and they would agree that medication is needed to get a person out of the "thick of it." Medication is often needed to lift a person out of depression before the causes can be targeted.
Yes, medication alone, may not treat causes rooted in trauma or the past. But medication is sometimes the only way to get a person out and through crisis point. Medication along with therapies is needed. Not just one or the other. Talking about trauma while at a crisis point can do more harm than good. If a person has experienced prolonged trauma, sometimes medication is needed indefinitely for the long term. It is worrying that doctors may feel pressurised to not prescribe medication to a person who is in pain and anguish and instead advise a six-session course of cbt, to fix a "way of thinking flaw." It is as good as saying: think positive, negative nelly, you are thinking wrong. Bad thing happens in the world. Toughen up.

[Spideysenses]

Stop making excuses for other people and own the pain.

[Spideysenses]

My family were not supportive of the split. They would rather I suffered in silence. After wildfire, they knew they could not stop me. My writing saved me. My art. My voice. My own sweat, tears and sacrifice. I half fled and half knew I may not get another opening until he decided he wanted to have kids with someone different. Ward Four. That was all I could expect now. With him if I stayed, I was just a Ward Four reject who had to forego parts of my life for the simple fact I had been in rehab for a month.

I escaped. He was with me for the entirely wrong reason. Not love. He wanted to be in control. Hoping that the illusion he was trying to create, would bring him future wealth or real power. Then he could leave me and find someone else. On his terms, in his time. Look I am a man of high principles. I deserve more power, more wealth. He did not seem to realise that these do not automatically bring respect or peace of mind. And that recovering from an ill such as scapegoating takes time and can be done.

He was angry that I left before he had found someone else. He did not care if I was alive or dead on leaving. Wanted me to suffer. Knowing. Despite his vicious unrelenting abuse, I had enough strength to leave and this shattered his plans. He could not use a woman as an emotional punchbag once he was with someone else. That is the only thing he would change but everyone would cave in to him and cover for him.

With my family and Four, it was easy to forget that people knew that he was a violent person. He fought non-stop on nights out. He enjoyed being feared. He was known to be a loose cannon. He was lucky to have not had an assault charge. Extremely lucky. I have seen so much violence in all its guises. But to call me broken? For everyone to see? I am not going to forgive that.

[Spideysenses]

I knew he was planning to leave me once he found someone to swallow all his lies and indulge him in puffing up his chest. He tried so desperately for him to have everything while I had nothing. It was clear as day he was only committed to his own pockets and himself. I had to pay for everything I paid for. I was too afraid. All those years I should have been working on my own career. Should have moved to find work with better pay and conditions. No fear of being pushed out the door because of siwang. So I had to write. For my own sanity.

I knew that he bottled up his rage, and waited for someone to release his wrath on. Restaurant opening, then the night he hashed a story before I plucked up the courage to inform emergency services. I should have. Regretted not doing so. I did not want to be on the receiving end when the bomb timer struck zero and he flew into a rage. It could have been years. Nonetheless, he bottled up his anger. From work stress. From wanting control. This screw is loose. Twisted shard. Over his dead body would I get anything. Fight to the death. -Find another way if you can, aye you, the like oh you. - Ahll mack sure ye tack...Ahll mack sure YOU tack... a holiday....who will they believe YOU? Like f### anybiddy ill believe you ower a man like me.....YOU...I ended up wi YOU...
Man of your word who has higher principles than most men. You believe.

[Spideysenses]

I am spoilt for inspiration growing up in Scotland. The mountains. The unspoiled beaches. Magical and dramatic countryside and coastlines. The weather can change between four seasons in one day. Not to mention the second-best accents of English speakers after an Irish lilt. Doric is an acquired taste. It fascinates some who move here or visit. Its biggest critics seem to be English. They are jealous that we have our separate dialects. I thought that I would inevitably have to leave to find work before. After, I had to grow up quickly. I found my calling. What would the consequences have been if I ignored it? Those gargantuan dusty grey moths with white eyes, I found in the bathtub of the place, felt eerily like an omen. Something followed me from Four. A thought. Never expressed.

[Spideysenses]

The past behind me

[Spideysenses]

Originally Posted by Spideysenses

Hiccups. You have had more than ten pints. Not taking a dig. Maybe you will answer: why did you want to stay together?
F##k knows. Abiddy kanes I can dae better. You are nuhin special
Same every time. That is all I need to know.
Whit do you wint? Whit do YOU wint?

All I ever wanted was a loving peaceful home free from violence.

[Spideysenses]

To make something look effortless takes a lot of work. Growing up all I had was my brain. It was a surreal nightmare to find myself, having people spreading malicious lies and draconian conspiracy theories about me. I had been in rehab so I would end up drug-addled and then dead. I was becoming the lowest of the low and Four was the first stop. Down and down. Just mind who was first to say it. To say ah oh em. All of them. No exceptions. Psychiatric. More like abattoir workers. Slaughter them humanely. All of them. Word on the street.
I have never taken any illegal drugs. All I do is work. I take a copy of all my work with me on USB. Since I live in a very high-risk flood area.

[Spideysenses]

My parents: He has a fairly good job and does not take drugs, his head must be screwed on the right way right? He has never been up in court so it must be the booze that he cannot handle? He cannot hold his drink so fights with his own shadow.
You would know, you check the court websites, as if there is not enough drama in this family

[Spideysenses]

Do you think my mum told me or my close relatives that I was very intelligent? It was a duplicitous front. She did not want me to have a better life. A good life. Be happy and have a career. Who was I to think I deserved more than the lot my Gran and her had?
I was a brainy b!### who could get going as soon as I was old enough. The sooner the better. On good days: you think you are miss perfect. Wait until you hit the ground girl I can't wait.
Other times: what a snobby b!###, get the f### out of my sight. I would make sure you wouldn't sit down for a week...who uses words like: actually. If you are so smart go live with your fether. You won't even get three square meals a day. You will run back here.
I was never sure if it was just a hangover or her snap-fire temper or if she really would have belted me more than a slap to the back of the head and scurling her head off. But after Four then Odd I knew for certain that with some people if they can get away with hurting someone else to save their own skin, they will do it in a heartbeat. Believing that people are inherently good, is a struggle.
My stepdad was selfish and had no idea what to do with an academic youngster. But he did not exactly try hard. They bought their house and thought their life mission was over and went to the pub more nights than they spent at home. I was well informed that I had to count on myself. There was only one spare room and it was my siblings and not open for my return.
Do you think I did not know that my parents have mental health issues? I knew there was something far wrong with my family. There was not much light shed on mental health when I was a child. But I predicted that I was going to need art if I were to have any chance of a happier lighter freer brighter future. Art was my calling.

[Spideysenses]

My biological dad wanted a boy. Did my mum blame me for his abuse? I was not what he wanted or he would not have turned so nasty when the stroke cut his welding days short. He might not have been as bad if he got his boy?
My mum would rather have been born a boy. That was blindingly obvious. She would be reincarnated as a man. Her messed up view - Boys and men are granted more freedom by birthright (in the UK?!). Men can walk away from responsibility and won't be judged (they are but granted not as harshly as women). "Just being a girl is a deficiency in itself don't you realise that? She was only a gay lady. A Gay man. What a waste of a man. It is a man's world." " If you have got it flaunt it, to get a good man before someone else. You should be out drinking and dancing. Make an effort to smile and be thankful you have a man." "Poor guy. Has to put up with what people say about thone there place I don't think I could be that selfish. Lumbering a young loon with the stigma of there. There is plenty of places to find the needle around here. Do society and yourself a favour. Off yourself. You are not needed or wanted."

[Spideysenses]

I never believed that anyone wrote a memoir to garner sympathy. I cannot remain silent. I have to heal. It is time that I set my voice down. My posts will disintegrate in cyberspace.

[Spideysenses]

In all my means to an end, I knew it would not be forever. It is a sin to give up and kill yourself. I never wanted to die. There is a circle in hell. The dust had to settle. It felt like serving time. We all have relatives who have been through a hard time and not for a second were they written off as irreparably damaged goods. The dust would not settle without the elephant gone.