If it is not broken

[Spideysenses]

I have said that Odd would not change for me. Odd would not change the way he was towards me. Odd would not change his violent ways for me. Odd wanted control above all else. I had given up more than I should have had to. I simply said to myself: no more. I am already at death's door. Their upbringing made them emotionally hardened so they are not to blame for the abuse?
I went through the process of realising that my upbringing had left me unable to fully feel my feelings at times and that was why I drank to excess. It is not like that now. I have worked through the stages. The brain will numb emotions to get by. I had every right to go through a rebellious phase and to have had to deal with depressive feelings. I had to be over cautious. I had to figure out a lot on my own and made mistakes. Now I can say I am on the road to recovery. I am in the mind space I need to be in.
My father was army and so was his father. My mums father, my grandfather was Navy. She was (still is) a brat. Her mother, my grandmother was an alcoholic. My step-dad did not do emotions. His dad was an alcoholic. He drinks every night. Emotions were a problem in my family. Only certain emotions were permissible. On their terms.
But I got myself help. I did not do what the others around me did and hit out at others. I stood up for myself. That is different. Seeing the way others had failed or made themselves worse was a learning curve for a young me. I made the right decisions.

[Spideysenses]

Odd had left me without the livelihood I had worked so hard to reattain. Smashed self-esteem. A shadow of my former self. A nervous wreck. Frayed nerves. Worth sinking.

[Spideysenses]

Odd blamed me for the jolt he was unable to handle from moving out of his parents and from taking a different job where he had to speak to people. He went from possessive to controlling and abusive blaming me and money. My parents had tried to take the spotlight off of themselves by throwing me under the bus. They wanted to convince everyone that I had a "faulty gene" that must come from my absent-blood father's side. Doing that to me was madness. "My parents are Nazis!" I incredulously told Odd back at Eighteen. " I know my parents are bad and selfish ##### but this?"
The book was not really about me. It was about the broken society I was a victim of. The violence. The abuse. The stigma. Being a scapegoat. Being a working-class woman. Having a breakdown felt like a mistake that I could never find redemption for. If my life will never recover even when I do then what on earth do I do with life? Eighteen. That was a lot of years to fill. Thankfully I was listened to and I did not listen to the naysayers and those who said I had no future.
Why should women who have been through trauma be placed somewhere with men who are often addicted to substances and could potentially be violent? Victims be unfairly stigmatised? How can someone heal in that environment? Nowhere safe. Never any peace. Get used to what you have in life and what you have been given. I recovered and I have always worked. "Someone like you should take what you can get and be happy with your lot." Tell me, I am asking, what do you mean by that? You and not someone else who let their belly rumble.

[Spideysenses]

Truthtelling treats people with dignity. To tell someone the truth is a measure of respect that is missing when someone is lied to

[Spideysenses]

Here let's have it. For someone like me, if I had listened to the people in my life, and community, then the life the conspiracy theories would have granted me, was worse than death and not a life I could endure. A life with no purpose or worth. I did not deserve anything or anyone? I was wronged so why should I have had to accept a death sentence? I had to slay the elephant.

[Spideysenses]

Chapter One

Ward Number Four

Eighteen. Twenty-eight days.

First two day's suicide watch.

Twenty-One. Overdose.

[Spideysenses]

Overdose is the opening
My blood father one said that life began at twenty-one. I have tried to end mine. I have taken ........