If it is not broken

[Spideysenses]

I was aware chocolate had a carbon footprint but I didn't realise that some have more than low-impact beef. Hands up. That was him. He was constantly on the lookout for ammunition. Permanently looking for a fight. Never out of defensive mode. He thought he was what other men aspired to be like - I will cut you down to pieces before I ever question myself, be warned.
He needed to grow up, take responsibility, change his attitude, respect others and not take his issues out on everyone else around him. I knew the coward thought he had pulled a fast one and had a get-out-of-jail-free card.

[Spideysenses]

If restaurant opening, had pressed charges, like he was going to and hadn't let old flames work cover it up, I would have stood a chance of a conviction without a book.

[Spideysenses]

The living wage has gone up in leaps and bounds since I was a teen which is promising. However, I do fear that businesses will essentially employ fewer people or give people fewer hours to offset the rise and expect and pressure people into doing unpaid overtime. Especially the smaller businesses. Demoralising.

[Spideysenses]

It does not matter how emotionally in tune and intelligent a person is, if they don't have any support or encouragement then it begs the question: who am I doing this for? Who will be proud of me? Will there be someone there for me?

[Spideysenses]

Another victim of humanity's greed. I know which side I would rather be on. Learning the way of essentialism, I am thankful right now. Practising being in the moment is cultivating a good outlook for the future you. Not to be confused with the western mumbo jumbo of you only live once, living for the moment, living for the weekend, to hell with what anyone else thinks.
Being in the moment is about avoiding a life of excess and knowing what is important. Not following the crowd and putting life in perspective with regard to what you can do. Lead.

[Spideysenses]

I don't/never did listen to cheesy nu-metal or middle-class punk. I could never stay with a person who didn't contest that they saw bipolar as a weakness and as having "something wrong." I'm the only one who did what was right and it was never good enough. I couldn't fight fire with fire either. So I had to find my own way.

[Spideysenses]

When my grandfather passed I was irked that my stepdad claimed his top-of-the-range camera. I got nothing for the record. Little girls should be seen and not heard. I was the artist after all. It held more sentimentality for me. When my alcoholic grandmother passed, my mum decided that the property would be her retirement fund. Again I never expected anything. I only helped out because I had fled my violent old flame and it helped to keep me going to help someone else out. It was a distraction to start with. I never had issues. Learn to take the good with the bad. All the jobs I had were the same. The relationship I escaped. Did I have to accept that I would always have snatches of good, but mainly have to be happy with my lot and that was the way it was? Did I deserve to be miserable? No. I refused to believe I was powerless.

[Spideysenses]

I haven't found a book that details the stigma of mental health as much as I experienced it despite charities and groups dedicated to helping those who have been up against what I have. Why is that? There is no guidebook to recovering from a mental breakdown. I could not possibly disclose or I would never have been able to make a living. Then I began to believe in my art again. I realised I was being taken for a mug. It is way too late. It was too late the minute I left.

[Spideysenses]

Bipolar has nothing to do with a person's personality. Although it may be confused as so, if a person is not on top of it, because of elevated moods or low moods to an ignorant person. These should be nipped in the bud with experience and time and dedication to staying on an even keel. Of course, I am guilty of self-medicating. But were my life and the people in it the main perpetrators? I would say yes.

[Spideysenses]

My family knew old flame would fight with their own shadow and said it. They knew he was not too good to be true or a saint. I had been in ward number four. That was the reason and precursor to everything.

[Spideysenses]

Come hell or high water this always had to happen.

[Spideysenses]

If I had grown up in a loving supportive environment? I decided at sixteen. There was a fallout long before I had a meltdown. Spiteful. Bitter. Snide. Vindictive. Piggy in the middle. Sit on the fence. Life is a beach. I wasn't going to be the kid who played football at the weekend. I chose to be happy and follow my heart. I had to choose one over the other. Not that either of them ever had my best interests at heart. One appeared to not care less, blowing hot and cold and didn't want me to do better than them but deep down they cared about me. The lesser of two evils. Whereas the other only cared about what I could be. Was completely wrapped up in their own misery. No time for another person. Chain smoking caused their poor health but I did not want to abandon them because it was extremely difficult. Life was unkind to them I knew but look at my life! I was top of my class and to get my education I was on my own. I had a few teachers encourage me and a few more tentative comments of admiration. Against thousands of grains of rice pushing the other side. I was young and I knew that for my mental health, I had to cut the tie. I felt like I was in an impossible position.

[Spideysenses]

There is no timetable. No routine. Just a safe space away from it all? That's what it should be. If they separated people the way it's supposed to be. There is some division and private rooms.
See when we were doing the mindfulness sessions, why was it that no one seemed to want to go home when it came to the discussions at the end?
"Because they get used to feeling safe here."
Everyone knows ward number thirteen is not safe. What must it be like for them at home? I'm not asking for an answer.

[Spideysenses]

The world needs artists more than it needs banking executives.

[Spideysenses]

It's not me that is preventing this from being resolved and let go. The more it is denied the more proof I will gather. Countless opportunities. Endless chances. Lifeline after line. I walked away to start over and live to fight another day. Took a leap of faith. Denying it all confirms this book is needed. Thankfully wildfire struck a deeper chord than I ever imagined. I thought that no one cared whether I lived or died because of the hospital stigma. Old flame however preferred the latter. Hope you rot was in the parting statement. Spiel. Final assault.

[Spideysenses]

I woke up and grew up. I wasn't going to be a martyr for no reason. I did not owe anyone anything because I had had a meltdown. I was not going to look after an overgrown man-child who treated me like I was disposable rubbish. Trying to enforce that I was on the shelf and a never was and now never ever will be. I recovered but my life was at standstill six years later. I could not go on with no changes in front of me, and nothing to look forward to. Why would I stay with a person who made me feel unloveable? That was the bottom line. I wasn't delusional for believing I needed and wanted more than the numbing existence I was trudging through. I didn't need to have an epiphany to see what was going to happen if I didn't take a leap of faith.

[Spideysenses]

I didn't feel safe in "thone place." I was street-smart and I had a tough upbringing. So I was used to the tumult. To walking on eggshells. To people shouting and fighting. I didn't expect my parents to sacrifice any of their life for their kids. Just not spend more nights a week in the pub than at home at their peak. I knew that eventually, I would have a chance to rest up and get well because of wildfire. There was an emergency button by the bed. There was a check every hour. I didn't feel safe. I just knew it was a bridge between my old life of struggle and misery to hope of a new one. It was not peaceful. Quietness does not equate to being peaceful. Not when you see some lost sorry souls in there. But if I think back to toothpaste tubes post-work outbursts and the fraying tempers I'd grown up with, then I had more of a chance to pause and breathe than I had most of my life. It is removed from the usual routine. I would not have to worry about losing my job every day I left the house. I had time for once. My writing had the potential to get me out of the rat race. All I did was choose to tell the truth.

[Spideysenses]

Is it weird to have baked beans alongside mince and potatoes(yes gravy)? Beans are such a versatile food. On toast. Heinz had a pizza when I was young. On baked potatoes. Kidney beans in a chilli con carne. In sausage casserole. In tomato-based soups.

[newbs16]

^ Beans with pasty, pie, sausage rolls, bread, potatoes in a curry, stew, soup

Sent from my SM-A530F using Tapatalk

[Spideysenses]

Global Covid vaccination failure will harm Britain, Gordon Brown warns
https://www.theguardian.com/politics...droidApp_Other

[Spideysenses]

Originally Posted by newbs16

^ Beans with pasty, pie, sausage rolls, bread, potatoes in a curry, stew, soup

Sent from my SM-A530F using Tapatalk

Beans with cheese on toast Comfort food when need a quick lunch on a lazy day off. Or on a baked potato of course. Cheese toastie with one other topping, what to choose.... . tomato, onion, chicken, bacon, pesto, pineapple, mushroom.... . Or... ������

[Spideysenses]

Will you be OK to teach tonight... sorry about your uncle.
-... I just found out... from you... my fath...dad...must have forgotten I had a new mobile... I knew the brain tumour...
I had never felt as put on the spot and embarrassed before. Thankfully I managed not to say: teaching for no wages when I could have a real job...I might not be doing this for much longer. My blood father never phoned me. He expected me to ask my mum to go to London. I never dared to ask. He had made me piggy in the middle. Forced to sit on the fence. What are you going to be? What exactly are you going to be? Not ever give up and play mind games like you. I did not say are you going to help pay for my education. I was more than switched on enough to know that he was a broken shell already and was bitter and broken after the marriage fell apart. That his situation was a combination of mental and physical health. My parents said to the doctors that there were coarse brats on my biological father's side? It was awful and incomprehensible to suggest I was fated to "turn out like the father." I have a suspicion that if the bipolar comes from anyone's side, it is my ol'dears. My Grandfather had a meltdown. And my Gran was a full-blown alcoholic. My blood father was no doubt depressed and had a spiteful nature. But I don't think the bipolar can be from his side. Yet I knew precisely why my parents whom I lived with would do it without caring about the ramifications it may have on me. I had been in ward number thirteen, and wasn't that bad enough? I hadn't done anything wrong. I had not broken the law. I needed treatment and I went through the motions in order to recover and I was lucky to have had an understanding team who listened to me and not my parents. I didn't know at the time how fortunate the lottery had been for me.

[Spideysenses]

Why would a grown man pick on a girl? I was a young woman at the time. If no one will talk to him, then I have to do it. Would I release the book to solely keep him out of my life? If necessary.

[Spideysenses]

If my book doesn't get me out of square one, only time will tell. The goal is damage limitation and damages so they take responsibility. Nothing less. Nothing more. All I ever had to prove was my worth. All I need is to write books.

[Spideysenses]

.... and I won't be that type of woman anyway. Not for a person who couldn't say they loved or appreciated me. Who would leave me once another woman came along after I was forced to give up everything for nothing in return but shoddy promises and lies in the form of ulterior motives. I am a home bird in many ways.

[Spideysenses]

What it's like growing up as a working-class girl in the UK
https://theconversation.com/what-its...n-the-uk-93403

[Spideysenses]

What was more infuriating than the "I'll decide" dig? It was not a joke. It turned into an attack on me for missing out on better jobs by only a whisker. What was more anger-inducing was being accused of not being mad at him for his abuse and disrespect, but for "projecting" onto him, anger at someone else. No. He was completely, one hundred per cent wrong. Admittedly I was weary through being trapped, in the relationship and the cycle of revolving door dead-end jobs. It was soul-destroying when I had a brain and had worked so hard, only to end up having a meltdown. But I never raised my voice or called him derogatory terms or throw invective at him just because I felt like it or to down him as he did to me. It didn't matter how bleak everything felt, I'd never have done that. If I stood up for myself or reacted to his cruelty, he would order me to "take it back or.." " I'll mack you shut yer fat mush." "Quit bumping your gums." "Hit me then, you canna..." (this would stop arguments dead in their tracks with bemusement and "honest to god" was always my thought first thought of disbelief. Shake head or roll eyes. Sigh. I'm not sure if he knew what he was trying to achieve himself aside from acting like the biggest bully in the playground) He was enamoured with "Quit bumping your gums." "I tell no lie." Cue Victor Meldrew and his catchphrase.
He set out to cut me down. Made me feel small. Tried to use me as his emotional punchbag by belittling me, taunting me, making cruel jokes, and preventing me from getting back to where I was supposed to be and better myself. Threatened to use physical force and ultimately try and have me hospitalised if I tried to leave. He was relentless and he was not doing himself any good - mentally or physically - by being prepared for, and looking for a fight all the time. He couldn't handle stress. He couldn't take back what he dished out. He didn't have an ounce of respect for me. I needed out before the next time he lost it because I couldn't get a better job if we didn't move or if I didn't address the elephant head-on. If there was a way to get away from the playground I'd do it sooner rather than later. I never faced grief as a youth so I wasn't going to stand for it then. Are you threatening me or trying to be funny? If it wasn't for that spaced-out wild look in his eyes it wouldn't have rattled me so much. Playing Russian roulette with my life. He pulled the trigger. In life there are consequences. He needed a man-to-man talk. A man he looked up to had to pull him aside and say: "Women are not there for your target practice. Grow up."

[Spideysenses]

Whit do you wint? Whit do you wint? Whit do you expect efter...? Tell me whit...
It was about what he wanted not me. I didn't want a hard man. I needed a career. To get my life back. A person who could say they loved me and showed they appreciated and respected me. He wanted me to do his bidding and give up everything for him when we moved in together. That was never going to happen.

[Spideysenses]

I was supposed to have a career before AND after. The doctors I spoke to, knew I was supposed to be one of the ones who recovered and didn't look back. That's why I wasn't the only one who knew it was my life to blame. Almost at twenty thousand views.

[Spideysenses]

I said that I didn't trust people. It was hard for me, with what my life had thrown at me to trust easily. Yet I was going to let people make up their own minds when I published because the truth prevails in the end. Part of me must have felt at the time that the abuse and violence would be viewed by some others as justified because of stigma and ignorance. Or simply because he was a young man. There are never mitigating circumstances for violence in relationships. I thought that the toothpaste tube and master flash may feel a touch of guilt as well as anger. But it is more likely than not, they will run and not feel remorse. I know without a shadow of a doubt