Feeling down about having very poor social skills and no friends

[Marie8]

I’m so sick and tired of my social anxiety and have no idea how to get better at talking to people and having conversations with them. My mind is always so blank and I can never think of what to say. Whenever people ask me questions I struggle to find an answer.. like if someone asks ‘what’s your opinion on such and such?’ my mind would just be blank and I’d probably say ‘Ummmm I don’t know really’ and then get a weird look from them. The only ‘conversation’ I can really have is boring small talk. I was in work today with one other woman and I felt incredibly awkward and anxious and felt like I had to talk to break the silence. She was getting on with her work but I just kept fidgeting and felt so on edge, so I blurted out random things like, ‘Autumn is just around the corner’ and ‘I bet it’s busy in town today’ to which she didn’t really say much and I felt such an idiot for saying someone for the sake of it. Then another woman came into work towards the end of the day and the two of them struck up a conversation straight away which I was not included in and I felt really uncomfortable and frustrated that I couldn’t get involved, at one point I looked over at them and nodded along but felt so stupid for doing that. It’s as if they were speaking a foreign language I couldn’t understand.

I’ll never get how it seems to come so naturally to a lot of people and don’t think I’ll ever get the knack of it. I hardly ever have anything interesting to say and on the rare occasions I do it comes out in a jumbled mess, or really drawn out and they get bored and stop listening. I’m sure people think I’m weird and don’t like me. I was called weird at school and bullied at school. In social situations I still feel like a young child when I’m now in my 30s and people 10 years younger or more are much better and seem more grown up than me. I feel so inferior and I don’t think I’ll ever make any friends and that really depresses me. I’m having some cbt and the counsellor is really nice but it’s not really helping. I can do some of the exercises and manage to say a few things to people but can’t have real conversations and that’s not going to make me any friends. I don’t know how to connect with people and feel it’s too late to learn at this stage in life.

[AireleeBray]

I have felt the same way, I'm 30 now & I've tried hard at work to make friends but I just don't 'gel' with anyone, we have a new person starting soon & I already feel like she will be an instant part of the group. I still get talked over, if I do attempt a joke it falls on deaf ears & I often trip over my words. I know I'm the boring one & noone bothers with me, they all meet outside work & I've not been invited once so far.

I'm starting to accept that fact, & that actually they're probably not the sort of people I would want to go out with anyway, I don't share the same interests & I'm obviously not the kind of person they want to spend their spare time with & that's ok.
I'm realising that I don't need everyone to like me & I don't need to change anything about me to suit other people.
Yes I wish I could be more confident, but that's just not me. But I am good at my job & I know my boss is appreciative of the fact that I don't make drama, & Im able to get on with what I need to do (unlike others) all I need to know really.

I understand how it hurts though, hope you're ok x

[db838]

Originally Posted by Marie8

I’m so sick and tired of my social anxiety and have no idea how to get better at talking to people and having conversations with them. My mind is always so blank and I can never think of what to say. Whenever people ask me questions I struggle to find an answer.. like if someone asks ‘what’s your opinion on such and such?’ my mind would just be blank and I’d probably say ‘Ummmm I don’t know really’ and then get a weird look from them. The only ‘conversation’ I can really have is boring small talk. I was in work today with one other woman and I felt incredibly awkward and anxious and felt like I had to talk to break the silence. She was getting on with her work but I just kept fidgeting and felt so on edge, so I blurted out random things like, ‘Autumn is just around the corner’ and ‘I bet it’s busy in town today’ to which she didn’t really say much and I felt such an idiot for saying someone for the sake of it. Then another woman came into work towards the end of the day and the two of them struck up a conversation straight away which I was not included in and I felt really uncomfortable and frustrated that I couldn’t get involved, at one point I looked over at them and nodded along but felt so stupid for doing that. It’s as if they were speaking a foreign language I couldn’t understand.

I’ll never get how it seems to come so naturally to a lot of people and don’t think I’ll ever get the knack of it. I hardly ever have anything interesting to say and on the rare occasions I do it comes out in a jumbled mess, or really drawn out and they get bored and stop listening. I’m sure people think I’m weird and don’t like me. I was called weird at school and bullied at school. In social situations I still feel like a young child when I’m now in my 30s and people 10 years younger or more are much better and seem more grown up than me. I feel so inferior and I don’t think I’ll ever make any friends and that really depresses me. I’m having some cbt and the counsellor is really nice but it’s not really helping. I can do some of the exercises and manage to say a few things to people but can’t have real conversations and that’s not going to make me any friends. I don’t know how to connect with people and feel it’s too late to learn at this stage in life.

I found small talk really difficult so I basically started writing down and rehearsing things that I think might come up in conversation with my coworkers. I would try and pay attention to what they talk about like TV, music and sport, then make an effort to learn a few bits to talk about, even if I wasn't particularly a fan myself. Obviously it isn't easy to overcome the initial fear of stumbling over your words etc but I had to start somewhere and it got easier. Also finding some decent one-liner jokes and storing them in the back of my mind to throw in when a subject comes up. I reckon just preparing a few things can help get you started and the fact you're going to CBT is only a good thing imo.

[Chess&Junkfood]

I wouldn't be so hard on yourself, Marie! It sounds like you are trying your best right now! The work colleague situation for instance. Now I think the best way of looking at this is from a positive point of view. So for example, maybe your work colleague was feeling anxious herself to chat with you. And maybe when she started being more chatty with someone else, it might have been because she was more used to chatting with her work colleague. Now of course my instinct is to say, how dare you not chat to Marie! Especially after she was good enough to chat to you! But I just think it's better to look at this from a positive angle.


As for knowing what to say in general. For me, part of that comes down to attitude. The positive kind! Which is then backed up by a certain amount of confidence in myself. Where this confidence sort of acts like a solid foundation for me. Which then kind of helps to propel that positive attitude!


Bear with me, Marie. I realise this is starting to sound like an advert, Although I do like adverts, so this post could be slightly influenced by them. Especially the Daz advert!


That being said, my way of going about things is still very much hit and miss! You could even say that it's sort of like putting a plaster on a gaping wound. It's certainty not the solution is what I'm trying to say. But it's the best that I've come up with so far. Which is to be mindful of any negativity coming my way. How that negativity is going to impact me in the long run. While also trying my best to strengthen any positivity that comes my way. Which in turn, kind of makes it easer for me to be more confident in myself. And at times, makes it easier for me to have a conversation with someone. Or something like that!


Actually, now that I think about it, it might have been that Lenor advert that influenced this post!


I'm also reminded of a time when I went college a bit ago. I remember how I made a conscious decision in wanting to fit in with everyone. Whatever that means. So when I started the course, I felt so overwhelmed by it all. Mainly as I wanted to fit in! It got to the stage where I used to dread breaktimes. As that meant there was more time for free flowing conversations. Where the rest of the group were talking about football. Where they went on the weekend. What plans they had. And there was me, doing an impression of a mime (minus the mime hand movements and mime costume) All because I wanted to fit in! But I realised, I couldn't fit in. I don't like sports. I don't go out that much. I don't make many plans. Although I could make plans of course. So that I have plans to talk about. But I was feeling too down at the time to make any plans. So my topics of conversation were limited. Other than the basic kind of conversations. Although I completed the course. I even have a nice certificate for completing that course. But I've never used that certificate. All because I wanted to fit in. Where it would have been better if I had fallen back on that foundation of confidence I mentioned earlier. Where I could have projected more of that attitude (positive kind) and made it easier for me to bounce off people on that course.


I'm sorry, Marie. I think I've slightly turned this post into a counselling session for myself. Although I do wish I had tried counselling before. As that could have been more beneficial for me in the long run. Instead of doing a DIY on my confidence. So I'm sorry I can't offer you a better perspective on this. Although never stop believing in yourself! is something that I will always stand by! That and not eating anything too spicy as you get older.

[KellyUK]

I'm feel the same way.

Because I've had social anxiety since childhood, talking with people never feels natural, except with my parents and brother. I have no family of my own and no friends and it does get me down at times. I have to distract myself with watching tv, listening to the radio or potting about in the garden to lighten my mood.

I can do small talk at work with colleagues but I'm not one of those people any of my colleagues would go out of their way to talk to. I'm either twenty years older than they are or we're a similar age but they have partners and children to talk about, whereas I don't. I can only really engage in conversations with them when the subject is work related or tv / film related etc.

It's only going to get worse as my mum and dad move towards old age and I can only hope that I see more of my brother once that happens.

[choirgirl]

I'm not much cop at this either. I don't think of it as them being more adult than me, though, because I've always struggled more than average. I am better when I know colleagues/peers/people better, then I sort of know what to talk about, when to say something etc, as long as they haven't already taken a dislike to me by then. Some people are easier to talk to than others, of course, which always helps.

[Marie8]

Thanks I just find it so hard and it really gets me down. I do feel that people dislike me because they think I'm weird and strange, kids called me that a lot at school but I still feel people think that. I'm always fidgeting and so and say the wrong things when I'm anxious and just can't be myself around most people. I think I'll always be like this and that scares me. I found a fairly local anxiety group where they meet up for coffee once a week which I'm considering going to.

[Chess&Junkfood]

That's great that you are thinking about going to that anxiety group, Marie! I hope it goes well for you if you decide to go. I'm also sorry to hear how others have made you feel! I know it's easier said than done, but don't let other people knock you down in life! Remember that you are just as important as anyone else! And for what it's worth, I think you're great!