SA at work , my paranoid ramblings

[Bluenoise72]

I’ve worked in the same place for 18 yrs and still feel uncomfortable. I’ve had moments of feeling part of the work force but ultimately I always break any bonds if I feel it’s getting too much , too friendly - because I don’t want to ever get that question “ some of us are going for a drink and do you want to …”.
I’ve deliberately made myself the outcast at work to protect myself from any attention, but it seems that it has also drawn attention to me by doing /being this way. I can’t win. Now I feel I’m the one nobody wants to talk too or stand by because I’m so ridiculously quiet. I used to think was I actually ostracising myself on purpose just to get some /any attention that’s how ludicrous the situation has been at times. I think the answer is yes sometimes but mostly no. I think maybe one day one person will say , you’re quiet are you ok. And then I can finally explain my problem and let it all out , everyone will know and I’ll be cured. It’ll be out there and yes I’ll feel ashamed but maybe free of hiding it.
But outside my head real life is going on and there nobody is thinking about me, we’re all wrapped in our own problems. I am not important or significant. I’m just another worker . But the paradox that’s always there is even if someone gave me a lifeline. Some attention, anything- I would almost certainly refuse it, play it down, make a joke of myself briefly to look normal and everything stays exactly the sane. Paranoid , anxious ramblings of my every living , breathing working day. I just want to be hypnotised so I can go to work and just do my job and never think about any of this crap ever again. The constant analysis is exhausting. The constant feeling everyone is staring at me, judging me, .
And the not knowing why sometimes I feel this anxiety intensely , maybe for weeks , months and maybe other times I feel I can cope.

[Counterpoint]

I can relate 100% with everything you say and experience. Sorry I can't help.

[Bluenoise72]

í*½í±cheers

[Hayman]

I've worked at the same place for over twelve years now. There are certain people who I'm perfectly relaxed around. On the other hand, there are a few people who have been with the company for longer than me who have always given me the impression that they're simply not trustworthy or particularly pleasant people. There is one particular person who have proven that to me time and time again - and other than discussing work with him rather bluntly, there's no other communication at all between us. When it comes to newcomers - barring one exception relatively recently who seems to be very friendly (and I've returned that), it's often months before there's anything more than an mutual, pleasant acknowledgement.

There's one thing I've learnt in my 21 years of working life. Certainly in this job which I was clearly too naïve to understand in my last one (until the final few months - by which time it was too late), is that despite how friendly people can be towards you - they will, without doubt, turn against you at some point. Sometimes for the most menial of things, but often complete misunderstandings on their behalf. I've been surprised by the amount of 'Jekyll & Hyde' characters there are out there. Then there are the classic 'backstabbers', to which I'm finally developing a sixth-sense for.

Whenever the time comes to change jobs again, I suspect I will become a little like yourself and be more of an 'outcast'. I still feel as though I'm too friendly and perhaps a bit too open with people despite cutting back on this (or at least thinking I have...) after my previous job. By that I mean not being nasty or horrible. I'm talking about remaining perfectly civil, but much less willing to blur the lines between my work and my private life with colleagues. Only tell information about myself that's absolutely necessary...

[Bluenoise72]

Thanks for this honest reply. It’s shocking how much of what you’ve said mirrors my job. I am now feeling like this is what most people must suffer with in most jobs but particularly office/warehouse type stuff. In my 18 years ( as a postie) I’ve slowly realised not everyone wants to be friendly, you can kill people with kindness but as you say they will definitely almost always back Stab at some point and have done. I now see that how I am is probably the best way or be, I didn’t start my job to make friends , I just wanted a job and to keep myself relatively to myself. And I do this . But sometimes I beat myself up about it because I can feel like an outcast and other times I’m incredibly grateful that I am this way as it is the best form of protection and self preservation. Having said all this people probably see me as the non friendly person they can’t approach and maybe some are intimidated by me , I’ll
Never know . We all see people how we see them, I’m convinced a lot of people are annoying at work are actually slightly more normal and nicer people out of work, people out fronts on. I do it , mine is polite , say hello and unless I’m spoken to I tend to just listen and watch , observe . Let everyone else gossip and bicker.

[Hayman]

No problem, Bluenoise72.

I have no problem with mutually speaking to people. Giving them the odd pleasant exchange and a bit of typically brief conversation about the weather and other menial things like that. I can be a conversationalist with people, but many experiences of this nature end up with the other person dismissing me or treating me as a joke - so it’s something I actively avoid with newer members of staff in the company.

I don't want to be seen as a non-friendly person but on the other hand, I've had a gutful of disrespect from others over the years when I’ve had 'my guard down' as such...and in turn I do feel comments which have ended up coming back at me has affected my mental health over the years. Some more strongly-willed people may consider it merely banter, but if they heard what was being said and in what context, it's more blunt than that. I was going to say 'sinister’, but that’s probably an exaggeration.

There are times where I feel I can't do right for doing wrong where I have to 'balance' my social abilities in the office. Say too little and people think I'm in a mood or there's something wrong... Say too much and I'm told I'm being annoying, 'going around the houses' e.t.c... Getting that happy medium where I'm not firmly in one of those categories at any given time is frustratingly difficult.

[Franz of Franzylvania]

I could relate to a lot of this, especially "the constant analysis is exhausting". I think some of it is SA just not letting you win.

My last job was at a dodgy company who treated their employees badly, but I got lucky amd met a few people who after about 2 years I clicked with and who were also more introverted/quiet. But even though I could talk to them, they were friendly and there was a kind of comradery of being in the same shitty place together, I'd still always be terrified about what they were thinking of me or what I might've said to make them finally realise what an arse I am. Where I work now is almost the opposite, the company isn't so bad but there's more office drama and I haven't really made any friends in 4 years. I just try and be polite and keep to myself, but the anxiety is still chunnering away in the background with the same old stuff as before.

Also I think sometimes the longer you're at a place the harder it can be because people get a fixed idea of who you are and it's maybe harder to see an alternative to the stuff your SA is telling you too?