Running away from yourself? Does anyone feel that they do this?

[Amara 94]

In all honesty I think most people do this but some at a bigger degree than others.

I am starting to think all my career issues and probably life issues are the result of trying to run away from some aspect of myself.

I think I am still the same person as a child but don't exactly want to be that way. As a child a care parent, I was in care for about a year, took me to the doctors because I was a slow eater. I had special education classes and wasn't popular but was bullied. It wasn't the worst bullying but I felt like I was different, in a weird, uncool way, to my peers and I think it stuck with me. I went to a new School in Year 5 and my mum changed my first name. In my new school I wasn't really bullied and wasn't ever put in special education classes or seen as needing special intervention from then on. But I avoided any chance of bullying by hiding, being quiet and supressing anything I liked that I thought may be seen as weird.

In college and from then on I think some may have suspected that I was weird or noticeably treat me differently as adults are seen as confident but rather than face any of those confrontations for what they are I see them as offensive and avoid them. Despite not liking the hours of my former job and how it took over my life I think part of the reason I quit was that my weaknesses were showing and I felt like my boss saw me as someone incapable and infantilised me.

Now I feel trying to run away from certain aspects of myself rather than face them is stopping me from progressing in life.

My gran has been staying with me and my mum for about 2 months. Since then few family members that never came before came a few times. My cousin, who recently came to the UK, I found out lost his job although he lied about it to our gran. It kind of makes me think that this running away from true self is in my family dynamic.

[Dougella]

Oh yes, I definitely spent a lot of time doing this, particularly before I knew I had an anxiety disorder and other things.

The trouble is ofcourse we can never really run away from ourselves.

[Tonkin]

Yes, I used to.

I'd leap at any chance to get away and start a fresh. Leaving school and going to college, then from college to uni, then from uni to a new town. Then from job to job.

I'd always see it as a way to leave my old self behind and start a new self, using the experiences I'd had to make that new self a better version of me.

Even when I was about 11 we moved away to a new town and I remember being pleased at being able to start over. Maybe that's were the urge came from...

I'd also lose touch with the people I left behind, partly because they would remind me of my old self, or saw me as my old self, and it was just easier not to stay in touch.

It did work to some extent. Each time I started anew, it got a little easier as I was "better" version of myself. But I wouldn't recommend it as it does get tiring, and it must be nice to have lived in one place all your live and have people around you who have known you all your life. Or maybe not? But I didn't have the skills to change myself while in the same situation or environment.

Now I'm too settled to do it again. But I do think about the idea of it sometimes...