If it is not broken

Spideysenses · #1 6th April 2021, 18:25

I met up with a
Good group of people.
I found that they still did not
Experience the stigma
To the extent, I did from
Their families and spouses.
I feel as if I can hold my head high.
I knew that writing was going to
Be a long, punishing slog.
I don't regret my decision
To do it my way and,
Exit the rat race as artists
And writers must do at some point.
When I heard their recollections,
Of doctors telling off and admonishing nursing staff
And instructing them to treat
An intelligent women with more respect,
It made me feel less alone.
It confirmed I wasn't the only one
Not treated as an individual
As is the core running principle
In the nursing code of practice.
It was my right to obtain a copy
Of my medical notes. I did not
Need to add to the template
That I would consider legal action
If they denied my request.
I considered writing a letter
Quoting elements of the nursing code of practice.
I opted for a standard care opinion email.
I didn't need to kick up a storm.
I wanted my notes for peace of mind. That is all.

anewyear · #2 6th April 2021, 21:45

Spideysenses you write beautifully and eloquently. I hope you find peace and that being part of this place brings you some comfort.

Spideysenses · #3 8th April 2021, 09:03

He never once said sorry.
-What outburst? What did I say? So Whit!
Chilling out is for druggie wastes of space-

=Everyone needs some downtime. You need to relax.
If you want to upgrade the car
Or a get motorbike, do some overtime.
Get a motorbike OK
If that will make you happy=

I apologise for saying
He had not done any overtime.
He never did overtime.
I apologise on my mum's behalf
When she said he would
Fight with his own shadow.
It is true. He is in complete denial
Over his anger issues and temper.
He wants more money coming in.
I am more than capable
Of having a better job where
I have the chance to use the brain power I have
But he is also afraid I will leave if that happens.
He is too conflicted.
He is beginning to see that
I won't be content where
He is trying to hold me down.
I will need changes at some point.
It is only a matter of time.
I won't be a homemaker wife
And he doesn't earn enough
For his partner to not
Have to worry about work
And I won't be that
Type of woman anyway.
Unless I get a better job
With a better salary,
In the area we stay in,
To ease our financial burden,
He is going to lose control. Again and again.
He knows we need to move
For me to find better work, but he won't.
I am left with this conundrum every day.
Everyday I leave the house,
I have to push the fear to the back of my mind.
He knows he is strong
But he doesn't realise how strong.
What if he keeps seeing red?
What if he pushes me down?
And I hit my head, crack open my skull?
What if he breaks my ribs
And punctures my lungs?
He is incredibly strong and
I've seen the wild look
He gets when he loses control.
I would not get off as "lightly"
As his work colleague's ex-wife.
Abusive people never apologise.
He takes a tabloid newspaper home,
One night and slams it down,
Opens it up and points
To an article. There is you, he says.

It is an article about
Domestic abuse and it
Includes a running soap storyline
From a soap opera.
Is this a warning?
Yes. He is warning me that
If I tell anyone about his
Abuse and threats that,
He will say I am lying and
If he needs to he will
Go as far as lying through his teeth,
By saying that
I was as bad as he was.
He will attempt to flip
His abuse over onto me.
He will say I hit him first.
No. Never. I tried to slap him once.
He caught my hand. It was half-hearted at best.
I had to try and let him know that he could
Not say what he wished
And threaten me at his indiscretion.
He had breached my boundaries,
And I was at my wits end.
He would not listen.
Everyday. The threats. Tired. Of it all.
This is when I take an overdose.
It coincides exactly with this article.
I never called him anything,
No derogatory names like he did to me.
I've never been in a fight
Outside of a competition in my whole life.
We have clashes in values.
He stops arguments on his terms.

-Try and hit me then. Mon then.
I know how to solve this.
If you canna hit me,
No more arguing. Air ye go-

I make him apologise to
My parent's friend when
He knocked him out
For simply speaking to me in a pub.
I know he went up behind him
And struck him on the back of the head.
That was not the first time
He could have been
Prosecuted for assault.
He assaulted a man for sport
At a restaurant opening after that.
I am concerned he may
Get into serious trouble
I say that he could get seriously hurt one day or
He could go to prison.
He sneers and scoffs, ignoring me.
Every time he get's into a brawl
Or start's a fight he always says the same

- You dinna understand my principles. Woo-man. End of-

Chances are he would probably only
Have been given community service and a fine
If he was convicted of an assault.
No-one would have come
Forward as a witness against him to
Say he was not intoxicated and it was not self-defence.
Not only through fear
Or an unwillingness to be involved but
No-one would have seen the fight since
He followed the man into the restroom
Out of sight of everyone.
It was only the aftermath everyone saw.
He thought he was calculating.
Some men would quietly laugh at
His chosen method,
But if they had seen what he was
Like when he lost control,
They would have seen how
Intent he was to hurt a person.
It was not self-defence.
This man has not said a word to him
In order to anger him.
The man was only a
Whisker away from
Making a statement
And pressing charges.
His work set up a face to face
Meeting to resolve the matter and apologise
And so he could see the
Injuries he had caused,
Otherwise, he would have been up in court.
Everyone knew that he
Initiated this fight-
By cornering a man from behind-
To try and prove he was tough.
He bragged that
He was the only man ever
To win a fight against this renowned tough nut.
He wasn't sorry that he
Had cracked his ribs, shattered his cheekbone
And caused other injuries.
This was the type of man
I swore I would never be with.
I was a failure.
In many programmes or films, abusive men
Will grovel and apologise profusely
When they hit their wives.
They will say they love them
And can't live without them
And they will change.
In a lot of relationships
This is not accurate.
That was not the case with my ex.
He said that if I left,
He would be a hermit
Or I may as well put a noose
Around his neck.
The world revolved around him
And I ceased to exist. After Four.
If I was not a shadow of
Myself after being in rehab in hospital,
I never would have stayed.

=You think that you
Can threaten to have me put in the hospital
At the snap of your fingers?
You have a short selective memory.
The doctors were on my side.
They ignored my parents.
Stop making me feel like a child.
They will hand the matter
Over to law enforcement if you try.
They will listen to me
As they always do
And see right through your intentions.
You won't pull the wool
Over their eye's like
You think you have with my family.
Call a meeting with my parents?
I am not a child.
I do not have to be here.
I could leave this cliquey place.
I stayed for you and
I never asked you to stay with me=

--------

When my mum phones
After my Grandfather passes away,
I tell her me and odd are through. It's over.
Then I say to him we need to talk.
He succinctly says:

-You are getting nix.
Over my deed body.
You will lose your job
Noo you dinna hae a motor
And naebiddy will gie
You a job wie at paye
Efter they fin oot you were
In thone place.
Thank **** we nivir booked
Any holiday is year or
You niver bought a mutt cause,
I will need ah the money I can git.
I hope you rot #### .
You will rot n you deserve it

He may not have been
Able to back up his
Claims of being a man of high principles,
But he made sure I
Left with nothing and
I did have to quit my job.
I had slaved away and when
I went back to collect my belongings,
All that was worth taking
Was the watch my parents
Bought me for my twenty first.
What did Odd buy me?
What did I buy myself all
The time we were together?
I couldn't stay with my family for long either.
Everyone did this to me.
Helped out at a gym
Every night after school
And he tries to ruin my life for what reason?
I grew up with parents
Who told me I would look
Back one day and thank
Them for putting a roof over my head.
It wasn't my room. It was the room
That they paid for and let me stay in.
They could decide when to take it back.
My now long-estranged father never
Asked if I wanted any of my possessions.
I was the only one who
Helped out with my ailing gran on mums side
And I was the only grandchild
Who got nothing.
It was supposed to have been
Passed down further down the line
So Uncle a northern man likes his gravy,
Gave an instant payment to my cousins
From his half - the loan- so my old dear owns the lot.
It is apparently supposed to
Be split between me and my sibling
Or we get a property each.
But can I trust my parents word?
I didn't expect old flame
To do the right thing,
But a person with a
Shred of human decency would
Have known that I went
Through hell to get jobs after
Being in rehab in the hospital and having
To recover from a breakdown.
Losing another would
Be a crushing blow for me.
This was my world.
I had had enough of my life.
So when wildfire was discovered,
It was a weight off my chest.
I knew that I was better and I would
Do it right this time.
I had to disconnect
From absolutely everything.
I cooked and read. Played games. Wrote.
That was it. I couldn't face a soul.

Spideysenses · #4 8th April 2021, 13:41

A permanent solution
To a temporary problem.
Some of the people
Who have mental health treatment
Never get better.
Of course, that is true.
Some alcoholics never stop drinking.
Some drug users never get clean.
Some people never change.
Some people never get help, to begin with.
Some people don't make it
Through depression to the other side.
Nobody directly said I needed a miracle
But it sure as hell felt that way.
It felt like they were hoping
And enforcing the worst for me.
I would never be what
I could have been before the breakdown.
Leave her, she is not worth it. Now.
People never get
Their lives together after that place.
Some don't. Not all.
Even though the doctors
Saw some sorry souls day in day out,
They never put any doubts
In my mind that I would not recover
Or that life was out of my reach.
I knew I was lucky
Coming where I came from.
Was I supposed to say thankyou
For not being neglected by healthcare
That was there for all?
Going to hospital for treatment
Is supposed to save a persons life
And put them (back) on the right track,
Not ruin their life.

Spideysenses · #5 10th April 2021, 19:48

I had made headway
On letting sleeping dogs lie with my family.
He kept on fanning this flame,
Knowing that I was irked,
Scarred and acutely aware
About them not being
Parents of the year growing up.
Yes, they spent way
Too many nights
In their second home the pub.
Religiously in the body of the kirkie bar.
I did not need to think
About how different life
Could have been if they didn't.
I did what I could with what I had.
My old flame had no right
To dig up the past all the time.
I told him I couldn't live
The way I was, not
Being able to get away
From the past and him
Constantly saying, I had no future.
He didn't say nobody else would have me
Until he was clutching at straws.
He did however say that
I was lucky to have a man like him,
And I would never find
Another man like him.
That I would never be anything
After one month in the hospital rehab.
I was only eighteen.
Go on and do creative writing
But after being in "thoan place" you will never
Be a real writer. You'll never be anything.
Everything boiled down to
Being in ward number thirteen.
I felt cursed.
He wasn't just boosting his ego,
He was measuring my worth
Based on my stay
In rehab in the general hospital.
The hospital was not
The only reason my life had stalled.
I was only there for 28 days.
My parents knew that
He fought all the time
When he was out
But boys will be boys
And he was drunk nine times out of ten.
Not when he initiated the fight
At a restaurant opening though.
He didn't have to be drunk or stressed
To let his temper rip on me.
He had never been in
Trouble with the law yet so my family concluded that
The scuffles couldn't have been bad and
Only cowards down women and hit them
To feel good about themselves.
He had stayed with me through
A harrowing time so he must be a keeper?
My mum was so scarred
Through verbal abuse she
Was subjected to from he who must not be named,
That it seeped into my upbringing
And I suffered as a consequence too.
She never resolved her problems.
Did she feel guilty when I left my old flame
Once wildfire spread?
No because that would require
A person to pause and think.
Thinking is not my
Parents strong suit whatsoever.
I had to tell my mum
On the phone, we were over
Before leaving in case he tried something.
All I told everyone was
That he was too possessive.
My stepdad did say it wasn't their fault.
He couldn't handle anything
That involved a degree of emotion anyway
So dismissing it was his way
Of avoiding any responsibility.
I'm not sure if they
Meant that my being in rehab in the hospital
Had put the onus on the relationship
From the very start or
That he appeared to be a nice lad.
He worked and did not take drugs.
He stuck by me through the rehab stay in hospital.
There was no need for them to worry?
I would never have to flee
As I felt my life was in danger?
My parent's were going
To put me up and let me stay
Because of wildfire.
Not through the goodness of their hearts.
But I had to leave the
Job I was in, and I
Was a nervous wreck.
I had never been given
Enough time to fully heal
From the first time around
And my life had never
Fully recovered from
The conspiracy theories that followed from the time
I was in rehab in hospital.
I had to be somewhere
I could design my recovery.
I couldn't have done that
With a family of stress heads like mine.
They still stress me out.

Spideysenses · #6 10th April 2021, 20:05

I had been miserable
In all my means to an end livings.
I had had a difficult upbringing.
But without the abuse
From my old flame
I would never have
Been pushed to the edge.

Spideysenses · #7 12th April 2021, 09:33

Look up to the sky,
Because it reminds us
That everything changes.
You can win the rat race
But you are still a rat.
I had a ticket out,
And he did not have that in him.
He knew I was miserable in my jobs and
I was far too intelligent to be there.
I was massively understimulated
And I was going to get depressed
Over and over again
Unless I broke the cycle.
I had a brain
And I did not belong behind a
Machine doing a job I
Could do in my sleep.
When I got a better position,
The women there thought
It still did not do me justice.
He wanted a homemaker wife
But we needed two
Wages coming in
And I needed purpose
And to use my brain.
All he wanted was a motorbike like his
Siblings partner had.
A real Subaru like his brother
And not the poor man's version.
He wanted to beat the jones'.
Go on more holidays than
Everyone at work.
I wasn't like that. He was incredibly insecure.
I bought him the real authentic
Football shirts and I
Assured him we had just
Bought a house, give it time. But no.
In his mind, we needed more
Money and more money now
Or it would never happen.
All he seemed to care about was
Being able to upgrade the car,
Get a second car
And then get a motorbike.
Tout suite. Vite Vite.
His work philosophy:-

"Time is money.
There is no such thing
As job satisfaction.
Work is grafting.
Tact and diplomacy are hot air.
All action no talk.
You don't make friends at work.
Be feared, be hard because
We need more money.
No new job no money.
No money no car.
No car no life.
It will be your fault if
We lose the house.
Your fault we will have no life.
No money and I will be a hermit.
Need money. More money.
You jist dinna git it woman.-"

But he would never move for me
So that I could get
On the career ladder.
I needed more than revolving door means to an end jobs.
He did not know what he wanted.
His need for power and control
Usurped everything else.
I had to tell my mum on
The phone that we were over
Before he would let me go.
Why did I need permission?
This was my life and I
Felt like I had no choice in it.
We couldn't erase the rehab stay in hospital.
=Don't let em grind you down=
Odd and hypocritical that he liked
That kilt pin when
That is exactly what
He set out to do to me.
Not only me. Whoever was
Unlucky enough to get in his way.

Spideysenses · #8 12th April 2021, 09:53

Black clouds disperse,
And the sky has colour.

Spideysenses · #9 6th June 2021, 08:17

Blog Therapy, Therapy, Therapy Blog, Blogging Therapy, Therapy,..
https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/why...herapy-0120164

Do You Need to Forgive Your Abuser to Heal? | by Suzanna Quintana | Publishous | Medium
https://medium.com/publishous/do-you...l-faf20303be87

Spideysenses · #10 9th July 2021, 11:04

A writer must be true to truth and that is a killer because the only way you can describe a human being truly is by describing their Imperfections. The perfect human being is uninteresting - the Buddha that leaves the world. It is the imperfections of life that are lovable - J Campbell

Spideysenses · #11 10th July 2021, 09:13

The like oh ya.They tried to disguise it as a joke.
It is one thing to think and act as superior,
It is another to say you are and
To try and enforce that others believed
That is so after I spent
A month in the hospital
For mental health treatment.

Spideysenses · #12 11th July 2021, 11:11

If their employers had not made them meet face to face to apologise and see the damage they had done to the man who was going to press charges, where they would have received a first assault charge, then I would have stood more of a chance of securing a conviction. In hindsight, I am glad that I walked away/fled and took the time to recover and heal before I gave a full statement and account of the abuse. His work was first and foremost, more interested in preventing the business and sales they may lose from connections they had to this man whom my old flame had fought with for no reason other than pure sport so he could brag.

Spideysenses · #13 13th July 2021, 16:50

I had a breakdown at eighteen years old. Yes, I knew that my options had changed. Why was everyone so quick to jump to the conclusion that I had no options left at all? After a stamp from "thoan place" I was as good as dead to some friends and family. At this point, I chose to pursue being a writer at all costs. Nothing else mattered to me. As I felt like I did not matter to anyone anymore. The elephant was already crushing me.

Spideysenses · #14 13th July 2021, 17:12

I did say to a doctor on an outpatient meet: everyone says I won't be anything now. I have been thrown on the scrap heap. I am eighteen and...
They calmly reassured me, that wasn't true and that I should still aim high. There was no feigned sympathy. They did not ask who or what exactly they said or act horrified that people close to me could be so cruel. There had to be a reason why I was in rehab after a collapse, in the first place. They were not going to try and force or prise details of my past from me. They just wanted to know what was going on with me. What I was doing to fill my time and the practicalities. As well as art therapy, they offered me, assertiveness classes to give me a push to try for employment that would keep me stimulated and more hopeful about the future.

Spideysenses · #15 19th July 2021, 17:43

It wasn't my bad choices that led
To my crash and needing to do it right.
I got back on track through
My own grit and determination.
I chose to be a writer,
And I still worked non-stop.

Spideysenses · #16 27th July 2021, 09:33

Taking time out to write and heal was the right thing to do. Don't believe anyone who pushes the notion that the longer the time you take off, the harder it will be to get back or you may never get back at all.

Spideysenses · #17 29th July 2021, 15:27

The title of the podcast I have saved to my listen later list that I need to start tonight is: complex-PTSD is not a mental illness.

Spideysenses · #18 30th July 2021, 11:05

What they did was wrong, lawfully and morally. Getting rid of the elephant went hand in hand with reporting the abuse.

Spideysenses · #19 1st August 2021, 11:40

I made difficult choices and made decisions that some did not understand, but never at the expense of someone else. I sacrificed my own time and pushed myself to keep searching.

Spideysenses · #20 1st August 2021, 14:34

Maybe if it isna broken dinna fix it, really was using me to get ahead. If I didn't move away I was more likely than not to stay stuck at dead-end jobs, have to continually switch jobs, not be in with a shot of advancing further, and have to face cruel gossip about being in hospital rehab in my late teens. If it isna broken, knew that my parents only helped us with the house finances - deposit and furniture- because their parents did and had a hunch that tongues would wag if they did nothing. Dinna fix it, knew that I couldn't go back to my parents at the drop of a hat.

Spideysenses · #21 1st August 2021, 15:33

The fish tank was the only thing, if it isna broken, did. They went to the drive-through car wash. I cooked fresh wholesome meals all the time and we went out. After being in a back room most days at work, I was fine to go visiting and be amongst crowds at the weekend. Dinna fix it was always possessive and they did say that I would never be anything after being in the hospital for a month. I was so used to taking it on the chin, as I had put up with criticism and grief my whole life. What do you want? I could not even talk to them without being ordered: quit bumping your gums, gie it a rest, if you canna hit me dinna attempt tee argue wi me.
If I laughed or smiled he would have eventually hit me. A good start would be to listen and pay me some respect. Grow the hell up. I know when you are not joking. Don't take me for a fool. Trying to be hard and at the same time trying to disguise it as joke. I was done with it. Home, family, work. Can I speak to someone who acts like an adult for once?

Spideysenses · #22 1st August 2021, 16:21

I was supposed to have a career before AND after. The doctors I spoke to, knew I was supposed to be one of the ones who recovered and didn't look back. That's why I wasn't the only one who knew it was my life to blame.

Spideysenses · #23 2nd August 2021, 10:12

Playing the "I'll decide" joke is infuriating enough. What starts as a perceived joke becomes a deplorable and cowardly verbal assault. To think they would sink that low, but they did, knowing it would hurt me more because I was set to be doing much more with my life and still would have, if it were not for them, being hellbent on knocking me down to size.

Spideysenses · #24 2nd August 2021, 13:30

After lightly scouring search engine, the closest book titles to the title of this thread are:- If it ain't broke.. break it and an engineers motto is: if it is not broken, take it apart and fix it.

Spideysenses · #25 4th August 2021, 09:04

I was pushed towards writing by the injustice of life. In another life, I do not worry about it anymore. I live in a rich/privileged country that projects itself as a meritocracy. Zoom in and see it is smoke and mirrors.

Spideysenses · #26 7th August 2021, 08:11

-I'm not just with you because I feel sorry for you.
- It is not what a person says deadpan and then does not apologise for or correct at a later date. That's why I knew they didn't think about what they were saying and it was artificial and insincere. Never missing an opportunity to put me down. It was a put-down.
It is the type of thing that people gossip and speculate about. Are they still with them because they feel sorry for them? Why did they stay? I received no sympathy from my family but the doctors were positive and empathetic when I was a teen and then overdosed (Painkillers and benzos, no hard drugs). I had no sympathetic ear or shoulder to lean on in my personal life. They were just there and no more. Unreachable. They didn't listen to anyone, let alone me.

Spideysenses · #27 10th August 2021, 10:42

Once I get stuck into a new project and clear my head, I will decide on my next steps. Tomorrow is a new day.

Spideysenses · #28 10th August 2021, 16:18

What did I want from someone? Put yourself in my shoes. You are intelligent and have the potential to make a life for yourself. You avoid the wrong crowds by going to the gym and training and teaching every single night after school. When with your friends you go home to watch films when people start to get too drunk or otherwise.
You work so hard, sacrificing time, pouring all you can into it. You get to the big time. Miss out by a whisker. I had won. A coach from another team approaches me at the end feeling my pain and frustration and says: "you won that fight, it is your coaches fault."
Thankfully I had good enough grades so all I had to do was a year at college to get back into the swing of things. At eighteen, I'd pushed too hard and ended up in rehab in the general hospital for 28 days. Except it is not seen as rehab by some. Conspiracy and ignorance.

Everyone around me throws me to the scrap heap and treats me like a deviant. Like I am bad. Like I am broken. Like I am nothing. Like I am a criminal. Like my fate is to die from an overdose because I am a worthless waste of space and always have been. Except I have never taken street drugs. Only drank alcohol. I don't even want to take the chemistry-altering antidepressants that the doctor prescribes at first. I do. I come around and take them religiously.
To be treated like something you are not is soul-crushing. I hadn't committed a crime or hurt a soul. Is a breakdown a crime? I was the victim. My life was supposed to be just beginning and everyone was telling me my life was over. That my body should be given to someone else because all I was going to do with it was mess it up like my brain. Take out my brain and harvest my organs for someone who could make use of them. My brain is in perfect working order and I won't waste it.

Spideysenses · #29 16th August 2021, 11:25

If everyone around me believed
That I wasn't allowed to be happy anymore,
I had to be happy with my lot,
Then how on earth could I
Get back to full health and recover?
Just die quietly?

Spideysenses · #30 21st August 2021, 06:55

Why do you always have to be worse? At the start, I did feel sorry for myself. Nobody else did. I was crushed. I had worked tirelessly to get back on track. Two jobs while training at college. Forty to Fifty hours a week in a sweatshop when writing. Then when I had a rewarding job, the hours were long. Double shifts at times. Being pushed to physical exhaustion while trying to keep my brain active and afloat. No respect at work or home. Not an ounce of respect from anyone. I needed time.