If it is not broken

[Spideysenses]

I spent years writing and recalling memories and events. Soul searching. Finding myself again. Tearing down the elephant. Building bridges with my family. And the penultimate step that I had to take to get out of the mud was to report to law enforcement. I am glad I waited for the sake of my mental well-being.

[Spideysenses]

The first week we moved in together I found out that he could not handle stress. We had been working on the house nonstop while working. He was always touchy and defensive. He didn't have a way with people. I admitted that I was naturally more of an introvert and it was misconstrued as being blunt sometimes. No one survives ward number fouwer unscathed and lives to tell the tale from the perspective of a well and productive member of society. There was the pie in the sky conspiracy theories. But if he believed what my parents did (hoped) then why on earth did he stay with me? I tried to end it and he was the one who persisted and the possessiveness grew worse.

[Spideysenses]

I didn't put up with it. After ward number fouwer I was a shadow of my former self. I grew up around hard nuts. School, home, sports clubs, neighbourhood, family, friends. It was all I knew. I was conditioned and attuned to being patient with people. To gauge moods. When to push and when to pull back. When to stick up for myself and when to let it go over my head and deal with it another time. I went to leave at twenty-one. I tried to end the relationship over and over.

[Spideysenses]

Sorry for digressing. Must be in a good mood because I have one week of the October break off.

[Spideysenses]

There was an openly gay couple who lived nearby. They didn't stay. They had to leave after reporting hate crimes to the local council, from predominantly Sid and Nancy (firewater not sid casting my mind back), but also my parents. It was a sad state of affairs. But my parents are not homophobic. They are hardnuts. Alway's will be.
There was a camera was positioned upstairs because the neighbour was stabbed through the cheek. Cutthroat alley. A barricade on the junkies' flat across the road to hinder the police while they flushed the drugs. One day I would look back and thank my parents for putting a roof over my head as it was more than what my blood father had ever done for me. Hm. So they kept trying to drum into me after spending more nights in the pub than at home. My blood father didn't phone me on my birthday. He never phoned. In Comms in the army in the heyday of his life but never ever phoned. Never. I had to phone him.

[Spideysenses]

Don't write books about them. Write books because of them. Write lots of books, despite them.

[Spideysenses]

Workplace bullying and harassment - GOV.UK
https://www.gov.uk/workplace-bullying-and-harassment

Bullying is not against the law but harassment is.
Intimidating and offensive. Deny promotion (did it anyway and passed with flying colours) malicious lies

[Spideysenses]

My parents -mum and stepdad - told everyone the lie (near enough, they as well have signed my death warrant) that I had something wrong with me that came from my biological father's side. Even though the doctor told them the truth - it was a genuine break down - they did not listen and tried to push their own agenda to save their skin at the expense of my life to try and prevent the doctors from questioning them or me. The doctor trusted me over them because they were not fooled. They said that I was the type of person they wanted to help knowing I had the resources and know-how to move on.

My mum had a right to be mad at my blood father but to take her rage out on me, for his verbal abuse in the past, was her deep-set potential for cruelty and not my fault. My sibling got everything. I was the scapegoat. Some parents would have tried to cover it up and say that it was only stress (exacerbated by m4tkd and failed by teachers too) and not broadcast conspiracy theories that did not apply to me like they wanted the drama. I did not want my dirty laundry hung out in public that's why I was anonymous. I avoid confrontation. I was surrounded by pyromaniacs and I was the one who was called fiery.

[Spideysenses]

Domestic abuse is not just about a person hitting or threatening their partner. It can include a whole range of things including belittling, constant criticism, isolating someone from their friends and family, sexual abuse and financial control.
Idas.org.uk

* I answered every question aside from the financial and sexual abuse. I knew there was no financial abuse or harm. I decided to walk away without trying to challenge for my entitlement. Lose the battle to win the war. There were verbal assaults related to sexual matters.

[Spideysenses]

Women's aid.scot


Domestic abuse is a pattern of controlling, coercive, threatening, degrading and/or violent behaviour, including sexual violence, by a partner or ex-partner. Domestic abuse is overwhelmingly experienced by women and perpetrated by men. It doesn’t matter how old someone is, what race or ethnicity they are, what class they are, whether or not they are disabled, or whether they have children – anyone can be a victim of abuse.

Often when people think of domestic abuse they think of physical violence, but domestic abuse is very often so much more than that. For many women who live with domestic abuse there will be no scars, bruises or broken bones, but for some it can take their life. No one kind of abuse is more serious than any other.

Controlling and coercive behaviour was criminalised by the Domestic Abuse (Scotland) Act 2018 and the legislation came into force on 1st April 2019. It is a course of conduct offence, where ongoing harmful and abusive actions in a relationship, which in isolation might not seem as serious, are examined together – this is about behaviour over time.

It reflects the lived experiences of women, children and young people by bridging the gap in addressing controlling behaviours not covered by existing offences and crimes
Calling you a s.... who... or other names
Making you feel guilty or like you owe him sex through threats or force
Ignoring you if you say you don’t want to have sex
Threatening to share intimate images of you with your friends, family, community or online – this is also a specific offence under the Abusive Behaviour and Sexual Harm (Scotland) Act 2016

[Spideysenses]

What is another word for "write off"?
https://www.wordhippo.com/what-is/an...write_off.html

[Spideysenses]

Despite all the abuse, I still felt guilty for leaving. My brain was caving in. It killed because I worked hard as a kid and a teen. I did not apply myself but I still worked harder than anyone I knew in terms of family and friends. School, sport, helping out at home, at the gym, art projects and doing more than enough to pass my studies. When I struggled I turned to art and visual expression. I did need more from a relationship. Not a person who wanted control above all else and to make me feel worthless in order for them to feel big. Abusive people never apologise.

[Spideysenses]

*mean and miserable (with money)
Miserly

[Spideysenses]

A permanent solution to a temporary problem/crisis. The stigma was not going away. The elephant was never invisible to me. People were gossiping about me six years later. I was stuck at square one. I could have moved away but I am glad I patched things up with my family. I am a believer in the old idiom: it is better the devil you know. I do not care about gossip. It was different when I was needing a job in my hometown and was a teen. I could not disclose or I would not have had work.

[Spideysenses]

Someone has manners. We British are sticklers for manners. After you. Oh no you first. Are you dancing? That's a Scottish sorry. Keep calm and plan. Age before beauty. My upbringing was tough. But I am grateful that I was taught how to always be polite even when I was tired, respect your elders, respect your colleagues, to never ignore anyone as you must treat others as you would wish to be treated. Look ahead. The future me will be thankful that I did not challenge them and had to leave with nothing and start from scratch. Honing my art was of paramount importance. Only I could own the pain.

[Spideysenses]

I'd sometimes go home early from being out with friends to catch a film on my own for some r and r. Before my parents came home drunk. They were not violent drunks often. They were worse hungover or sober. Sometimes I would have a drink with them. I was permitted to drink so many bottles of beer from the fridge at weekends when underage and they wouldn't say anything. But I was forbidden to go to my friend's boyfriend's haunt at one stage. Street drugs are a whole other kettle of fish. They were right to put their foot down and I respected their rules.

To be fair I did not really want to hang around with a gang who would chant racist support for: bmp bmp. A right-wing faction that has now disbanded. It was an n, not an m. Yes I am mixed race.

I channelled my energies into the sport I practised and my writing and art projects. I said that I felt like I had nothing to show for my sacrifices and dedication. I was being too hard on myself. Was I mad when old flame would chide me with ah well if you are nae first you are last? Dead right I was. They said it a million times. They didn't get it one bit. How did I end up with a person so clueless? So far up their own a.....

[Spideysenses]

When I say I'm going to talk, there are things I will never dispel. I will only talk about post-eighteen. I won't talk about my blood father wanting a boy so much, he sat at home and didn't come when nothing was stopping him. I might talk as light-heartedly as I can about my parents drinking and selfish ways. It's hardly uncommon in bonnie Scotland. The highest drug-related deaths in all of Europe. I will talk about the stigma mainly and how I was referred to Victim Support Scotland this year after coming forward to the authorities. Then never talk about it.
Ok I will come clean. I am too well known to go to a group or I would have been going.

[Spideysenses]

Old flame had to have the last word and be on top. He knew he was wrong and I didn't enforce my protests to protect and stand up for myself. So he would resort to: "I know how to solve this: hit me! You can't can you?" And he wasn't happy until I was in tears. A good cry isn't so bad. It normally ensures a great night's sleep.

[Spideysenses]

Except it is not that simple. Getting away physically is only the beginning of the road to recovery. That is why many don't get better. They go back to abusive partners through fear of ending up alone. Or jump headfirst into a relationship with the first person and don't give themselves time. Or they relapse and go back to the crowd of friends who led them astray, to begin with. Without giving it time. The stigma of having had treatment for mental health creates a cycle of shame and fear. The shame of feeling weak. Fear of judgement. What did I do to deserve this? I was placed on the shelf before my life had even begun.

[Spideysenses]

I was the victim. I was the victim of another person's greed. What if I hadn't written wildfire in the raw, unfiltered, brutally honest, heartfelt way I did? What if I had nowhere to heal from every trick in the book? I had fought and fought and done everything right after 28 days, as well as writing, only to find myself pushed to the edge of the precipice. How could I make peace with my past when everyone was working against me to ensure I had no future?

[Spideysenses]

We all have days we feel bad about ourselves. The inner critic can get so loud and be so brutal that it is hard to see our inherent worth.
Maybe you are learning something new and feeling overwhelmed or you have been consuming the altered reality of Tintedram for too long... And we all feel low, small and just not enough and it is painful.

-Mindfulness and Wellbeing app Sanvelloâ„¢

[Spideysenses]

I was in the mental health wing of the general hospital for a month at eighteen years old. I wouldn't wish the place on my worst enemy because the stigma that follows afterwards, can prevent anyone from getting life back on track. Here old flame was threatening to try and have me admitted if I tried to leave him, by organising "a meeting with my family" where he would attempt to weave a fabricated story.
Knowing that I would lose my job if they found out
Why I was signed off
Knowing that there were potentially violent men there
That had slipped through the net (wards are always mixed)
Knowing that I may not get the understanding
Doctors I had the first time around
Knowing how the stigma had almost ruined me
Knowing that I had lost everything the first time around
I had told him time and time again my life
Would not recover from a second stay. That it hadn't recovered from the first time. How could they disregard and disrespect all the fighting and hard work I had done and try and undo it. For what? His greed? How could he try and play Russian Roulette with my life? It was no better than my upbringing. No feeling of safety and security. Nothing.

[Spideysenses]

I have come to realise that gaining justice is not always about prosecution. The minute I was referred to Victim Support, I knew that was the moment that I could start to move on and I was listened to.

[Spideysenses]

Out of all the people to use as ammunition against me? You really know how to choose your allies. They are loyal to no one but themselves. I've told you about chess. About the final. Your mates hate his guts. He acts all innocent to my family, telling complete lies that he was disappointed to lose a talented athlete. Your mates and you noticed and said that he picked on me for crying out loud! He called you a teaboy! He will gladly use you for all they can get. I don't want to be associated with him or his club. I could never have worked in the same circles as him. Thank god I had a breakdown. Between him and old mucker applying to be a manager at eighteen. I made damn sure I'd never have to go back to any ever again. I break the remote once and you won't let me forget it. I never threw it at you! I threw it on the floor. But breaking faces and ribs and cheekbones are OK because I don't get your principles? No, I don't get you because your "principles" that you can't name or describe are a way of avoiding responsibility and they only make sense to you when it suits you.

[Spideysenses]

I knew there was help out there if I just lost the battle and swallowed my pride. I had read that letting yourself go, letting time go by, was key to full recovery. I needed to find the old me again and focus on my writing voice. It was the only way out for me. I was never going to stay with a person who made me feel like I was nothing and worthless.
No better job yet ball and chain? Looking hard enough glake? I was exhausted, depleted, worn out and worn thin so I was going to keep burning out. I

[Spideysenses]

Primary School children are taught about the dangers of plastic pollution - on the oceans, the environment, and wildlife and it is made by using fossil fuels. We all know the damaging impact it has on the world. Large companies, industries and corporations need to find viable renewables and stop making plastic packaging. Use biodegradable materials and invest in research. I completely stopped using wipes containing plastic once I realised how I was using the "If it makes life easier" mantra. Extracting the materials for the batteries to make electric cars, pollutes the atmosphere. Alway's complications. The plastics that are recycled, can only be recycled a handful of times. High school students intently study global warming/climate change and greenhouse gases and their impact on our planet. I am aware that coal is needed to make steel for wind turbines.
I am phasing out red meat and cutting down on dairy. Cutting out foods containing palm oil. Eating as many locally sourced foods as I can. The ecosystems are shrinking at light speed. Deforestation is out of control. The Amazon shrank by a size equal to seven times of London between 2020 and 2021. Offsetting by planting trees is not working as it takes decades for trees to grow and mature enough to absorb C02. It will be too late. We have to preserve what we have already in this finite world.

[Spideysenses]

No one ever laughed with grandmaster flash and his attempts to make a fool out of me and humiliate me. Everyone knew he had a bee in his bonnet. When someone makes continual attacks it sticks in other's psyche whether they don't agree or realise it. He was aware of this. More fool toothpaste tube for allowing him to plant a seed. Planting the seed in old flame was intentional.

[Spideysenses]

I was aware that I was never going to get the job as I had no connections within the company, but it was practice for the next interview and future application forms. I gave up looking for an office apprenticeship after that blow until my head felt like it was going to explode being a monkey chained to a machine. A person's mental health can only take so many knocks and beatings. I had not given up entirely. I had lost heart. When we bought a house, in my mind it was our life so with every decision I made, I considered them too. It wasn't a mutual agreement. Their greed had other plans and got the better of them.

[Spideysenses]

I had been fighting losing battles my whole life. Some people will never be happy. Never change. Never apologise. Never take responsibility for their actions. Who would be proud of me? Dog eat dog. Many in this country go to bed hungry. Lives become unbearable. No purpose. No way out. Nowhere to go. In work poverty. The system is rigged. Down someone else to move yourself up and tell yourself that is the way of the world.

[Spideysenses]

Living in the age of self-publication. The pit I had been tossed into by my nearest and dearest. I should accept that I was a victim of the circumstances I grew up in. I absorbed the messages telling me if I didn't try, I wouldn't be disappointed. Don't get your hopes up was the overwhelming feeling in my childhood. Be real. I was a disappointment before anyway. We fell out before the culmination. My blood father was way out in front then closely followed by my grandfather. Their blinkers were more restrictive than anyones. I respected them as a youth.
Old flame had no respect for anyone in authority and his view of a woman's place was grossly skewed. Some cannot take back what they dish out. We didn't share the same values. He had no principles set in stone. What suits me first. An air of entitlement like he was the only one who had to work for everything he got in life. I had to do the same. Work for it. When we moved in together he automatically expected me to do his bidding. That's why we fell out. I won't speak ill of the dead.