She's Breaking My Brain. (Boring rant)

[kingandduck]

The girl from work. I've had a thing for her for about a year now, but go through periods where I just cannot get her out of my head. The last 3 days is one of those times.

I see her briefly for about 5-10 minutes a day about 3 times a week for the past year. We always make small talk, usually initiated by her. She always tries to help me with what I have to do. I still can't work out whether she likes me likes me, or of she is just really friendly. But I'm leaning towards thinking she likes me.. Recently I mentioned how I hate my job, so she straight away started to try and find me a job looking at the vacancies at her company. She also was asking my colleague about me when I was on off holiday. Stuff like that makes me think she does.

What is this? How can I fancy her so much when I only know her a little bit? It's been a year like this now.

For anyone normal, they would just ask her out and find out what happens. Not me, not people with SA. Instead I never do anything and as a result I am forever wondering. It's torture seeing her and not being able to say anything.

This past week it's felt like I am just going to explode and tell her everything I feel. I hope I just do it soon, because not saying anything is unbearable.

That said, she appears to be a really social and outgoing person, so she'd be scared off completely as soon as she takes a look at my social life. I think that's my biggest fear, that she'll think I'm a bit loser for not being like most people my age, out doing something fun every weekend.

I don't know why I'm telling you all this, my head just hurts. I feel like I'm reaching breaking point.

The time in my life when it's do or die. I either kill this SA now, or forever be missing out, and alone.

Meh.

[Wings]

what about hinting that you like her and see how she responds? drop the fish a bait

confessing your undying love might be a bit risky, but it does sound like she likes you

[STRING3R]

I felt the same way to a girl who was in one of my classes at college. Ultimately though, I never plucked up the courage to ask her out, because I felt "unworthy".

You should tell her how you feel, you never know what might happen!

[Toxic]

oh gee..similar situation!..cept its only been 2 weeks..but both days we are in together we spend all day together ..which obviously spreads to office rumours!

shes far too forward for me...although i keep accidently walking into traps and i dunno if shes gonna think negative of me..we sort of had 2 conversations going...her response to something was "oh id do you" (im not sure id take it as a compliment ...too much!) ...just at the exact same time i said "im not that desperate" for something completely different

i have the same issue as you..with having zero social life while shes out like..every night ..yep thats gonna go down well..

with Cavegirls 3 solutions..im sort of waiting for 2 to happen..1 and 3 are tricky!

ive got 2 friends also at work who kinda know i have feelings for her..to which they are trying to play cupid although im almost certain shes not interested...i find it easier to handle..in a way i still look "interested" ..but im not making an arse of myself if someone else is telling her we should get together (i dont think shes buying it tbh!) ..maybe theres someone at your work who could put a word in for you?..i know its a bit of a cowards approach ..but i personally just cant do the whole asking thing..im convinced shes out of my league

[MrMr]

You're listening to Jimmy, but are you really hearing?

I can relate to everything you said, not just the fear of acting on it, but the fear of being "discovered" as a less than perfect man, it's a sense of emasculation as a result of SA that we carry round all day, one you'd rather keep quiet. I get it.

What you don't want to do is let all the pent up misery pour out on one woman straight away. She might just think you're shy and find that "cute", but a great long emotional diatribe about how you're this and that but feel this and that places too much baggage and responsibility on her, it's not gonna be sexy.

I'd urge you to just ask her out honestly, least you'll put a slight dent in the problem that way, whatever she says. I know, it's not easy, but it need not be a huge drama if you can get your head straight at the time.

As to whether unloading all the SA is ever going to be a good idea, I don't know, maybe you'll have to "act" as you do when you're with her for a bit, before you feel she might be ready to accept it.

Whatever happens, wish you luck with it.

EDIT: Plus, when you're brain start's adding on all the other SA consequences and risks of one decision, it sounds rational, but it tends to put so much pressure on one choice that it becomes intolerable, so nothing happens. If you take the first step, the limbo of uncertainty that follows if probably healthy to experience for the first time.

[Pablo Huntsbach]

I might not be the best person to give advice but if she always makes a point of coming to talk to you then make a joke about it, ask her if she's stalking you or something (and remember - eye contact, smile etc). Then suggest that she stalk you to a coffee shop or something? Or it would be easier for her to keep track of you if you swapped numbers.

You say you've known her for a year but hardly know her that well? Just coming right out and telling her you like her probably wouldn't go that well, you need some kind of build up.

[Optimistic]

asking someone out can be scary. what do you like doing / interest in? ask her to join you doing it. that way it's fun anyway and it's not officially a date but it kinda is at the same time. or just be direct but that can be harder because your putting your balls on the line. I think being direct would be better with a someone new you met rather than someone who's already a good friend.

the comment about SA men ignoring their basic instincts doesn't really make sense to me. the instinct I have when asking someone out would be "omggggg this is scary". I would now do it but that's just because Ive learnt to work against my basic instinct.... not with it. also my thought process before was... "I'd just be bugging them" rather than thinking I had something to offer. being negative was my 'instinct' at the time.

[Mr Ploppy]

Ask her out. Otherwise you will just be regretting your life for years like I do.

[joinmartin]

Fear of being discovered for being abnormal, a less than perfect man etc etc?

Seriously? You have SA and you think you're suddenly a terrible person who isn't good enough?

Not every man out there is out every single weekend dancing the night away. Last weekend I watched Camelot on TV. This weekend I'm out. Give the economy in this country, if every single man was out partying like mad every single weekend, he'd be broke in about four weeks. In London, about one and a half weeks.

She's not expecting you to be anything. She's not going to see the negative things you believe about yourself. She's not a mind reader.

She can't reject you. She has no idea who you are. Judging by all this negative stuff you believe about yourself, you have no idea who you are too. She can only reject and option or an idea so give her an option or an idea. Ask her if she wants to get a coffee one lunch break or after work or something along those lines. No pressure. Just a suggestion. See what she says. If she turns you down, well, sorry about that. It happens. It happens to pick up artists, other guys, male models, rock stars etc. Believe me, I've listened to the stories of how it's happened to male models. If she says yes, great. If she doesn't, you gave it a go and can stop all this negative stuff in your head that tries to tell you who you apparently are.

Keep the whole mass of feelings out the way to begin with. She's some random woman not your wife or life partner. Who knows what this woman is actually like as a person. She isn't going to be perfect no matter what picture you have built up in your head of her.

[kingandduck]

Not every man out there is out every single weekend dancing the night away. Last weekend I watched Camelot on TV. This weekend I'm out. Give the economy in this country, if every single man was out partying like mad every single weekend, he'd be broke in about four weeks. In London, about one and a half weeks.

To say I go out to a party, club, bar, whatever once a month would probably be a stretch. I play my sports, go to the gym, perhaps go to the pub once a week. Most Saturday nights I am doing nothing.

She's not expecting you to be anything.

She's probably expecting me to be normal. I come across normal and likable, but my social life and introverted self is pretty abnormal.

She's some random woman not your wife or life partner. Who knows what this woman is actually like as a person.

I tell myself this everyday. So what if she rejects me, it's not like I see her much or even know her very well. But I still can't bring myself to do it. I don't know why.

She isn't going to be perfect no matter what picture you have built up in your head of her.

I haven't built up anything or exaggerated her. At first I just thought she was just gorgeous, but it's clear she's really kind and cute. Obviously she isn't perfect, but I've had crushes in the past, but this seems a lot more extreme than any of those were.

[kingandduck]

I'm going to try and drop some subtle hints/compliments her way this next week. She how she responds. Nothing too full on though. Don't want to be freaking nobody out lol.

And just to be clear, we don't work for the same company. I just have to deliver some stuff to her company and then take stuff. I guess another factor is having to see her 3-4 times a week if she rejects me. Could make things awkward. She's worth the risk I guess.

[joinmartin]

To say I go out to a party, club, bar, whatever once a month would probably be a stretch. I play my sports, go to the gym, perhaps go to the pub once a week. Most Saturday nights I am doing nothing.

And that's fine. Perfectly fine.

She's probably expecting me to be normal. I come across normal and likable, but my social life and introverted self is pretty abnormal.

Is it? How do you know?

I tell myself this everyday. So what if she rejects me, it's not like I see her much or even know her very well. But I still can't bring myself to do it. I don't know why.

She can't reject you. She doesn't know you. You are a good person as worthy of love and respect as anyone else.

I haven't built up anything or exaggerated her. At first I just thought she was just gorgeous, but it's clear she's really kind and cute. Obviously she isn't perfect, but I've had crushes in the past, but this seems a lot more extreme than any of those were.

Indeed. There are only one or two things that can defeat attraction. One of the things that can is neediness and validation seeking. She's some random girl not a judge. It's not about impressing her or making sure she likes you. I mean, is she right for you? Does she have the values and qualities you look for in a woman? What is it you actually want from a woman?

Getting lost in this woman or any woman is a dangerous thing. Hold onto your own personal power. Be yourself meeting herself. Only then can you find things like what you have in common to make bridges of connection and communication with this girl and see where things go.

[tallyn78]

I know how hard it can be to talk to someone you like but maybe you could keep it really casual and say something like "Do you ever go to [such and such a bar/cafe whatever] - it's really great, you could come along sometime with me if you like" so that you didn't feel like it was an all or nothing question. I mean, you could even just make up that you like a certain place just to get her interested!

Some people take time to warm up as well so if she doesn't respond to this at first maybe you could just casually say one time "i'm going to such and such tonight, do you fancy going, some company would be nice?".

I think at this stage that just to establish a friendly relationship outside of work would be the main focus.

[diplodocus]

Originally Posted by kingandduck

The girl from work. I've had a thing for her for about a year now, but go through periods where I just cannot get her out of my head. The last 3 days is one of those times.

I see her briefly for about 5-10 minutes a day about 3 times a week for the past year. We always make small talk, usually initiated by her. She always tries to help me with what I have to do. I still can't work out whether she likes me likes me, or of she is just really friendly. But I'm leaning towards thinking she likes me.. Recently I mentioned how I hate my job, so she straight away started to try and find me a job looking at the vacancies at her company. She also was asking my colleague about me when I was on off holiday. Stuff like that makes me think she does.

What is this? How can I fancy her so much when I only know her a little bit? It's been a year like this now.

For anyone normal, they would just ask her out and find out what happens. Not me, not people with SA. Instead I never do anything and as a result I am forever wondering. It's torture seeing her and not being able to say anything.

This past week it's felt like I am just going to explode and tell her everything I feel. I hope I just do it soon, because not saying anything is unbearable.

That said, she appears to be a really social and outgoing person, so she'd be scared off completely as soon as she takes a look at my social life. I think that's my biggest fear, that she'll think I'm a bit loser for not being like most people my age, out doing something fun every weekend.

I don't know why I'm telling you all this, my head just hurts. I feel like I'm reaching breaking point.

The time in my life when it's do or die. I either kill this SA now, or forever be missing out, and alone.

Meh.

Damn she likes you, a lot!
I have an idea, you could run some tests to see if she does like you more than just as 'friends', don't worry nothing untoward or underhand he he but could save you and her some embarrassment with coming out with anything awkward. Let me know and I'll PM you