Do you experience terror of dying? Please respond.

[likeme]

I saw a social worker today and made some attempt to explain to him that I have episodes of death anxiety in my life and I would like to find a way to better deal with these.
He said that he doubted that there were many people who hadn't woken at 2 in the morning feeling afraid and aware of their own death. I said if so many people did do this why didn't they talk about it more. His reponse was that it was a taboo subject precisely because it is frightening for people. He told me I needed to be practical and enjoy life and commented that there are no 'atheists in foxholes'. This is exactly the sort of thing I don't need to hear. It makes me feel like I am being foolish in breaking taboo, like there's this big secret that no one's meant to talk about and I just don't get that. Everyone is living a lie, a shared fallacy, in their denial of the meaning and presence of death.
I don't mean to upset anyone with this. I hope I don't and if I do please tell me. But what this man said upset me. I don't want to live a lie. I don't want to pretend everything is ok when it is not. I don't want to sweep things under the carpet or lock them in the closet. I feel like he was laughing at me and it might be a nice little anecdote of the day to go away and tell his colleagues. Sometimes people get pleasure in talking about these things because it makes them feel they have depth or intelligence. I didn't trust that man and I wish he hadn't said those things. I feel my experiences are belittled. I feel like I'm not supposed to talk about it but it is all I want to talk about. I want to ask the people I work with and friends what they think and feel about dying but I fear I'd be breaking taboo, some great unwritten rule that must not be broken. Makes me feel sick.

[helenjane]

It was interesting to read your post because I have episodes of death anxiety also I'm not as worried about my own death (although that is still scary) but im terrified of people close to me dying, its actually wrecking my life in a kind of way because i think about it that much at times, i can just be sat watching tv or on the computer and the thought will just hit me really hard.

I sometimes get into a real panic when i really deeply think about it and it scares the living crap out of me but i dont know how to control dwelling on it at times.

I've mentioned it also to a social worker i see and they didnt really comment much on it and it was quickly brushed under the carpet like this subject always is and so i didnt feel i could continue talking about it even though i wanted to.

I cant get my head around the fact that we are all going to die and there is nothing we can do about it, i always keep thinking that in 100 years time everyone that is alive today will be dead, that is a very weird and scary thought.

No one can put my mind at rest and say it wont happen and it will all be okay because it will happen and it wont be okay.

This massive thing called death is going to happen to every single one of us at some point and yet most people act like it wont ever happen, i know we arent meant to dwell on it all the time and we have to live our lives but i wish this subject was discussed more because like you said, its a subject people just dont want to talk about and it makes death seem all the more mysterious and terrifying

[likeme]

Why is no one answering? Do you dislike the thread topic? Am I foolish to post it? Well I sound foolish now if I didn't before...

[ßazza]

Originally Posted by likeme

Why is no one answering? Do you dislike the thread topic? Am I foolish to post it? Well I sound foolish now if I didn't before...

Topic is very smartly written and fine. Give it time.

I cant respond in any meaningful way. I also dont think what I would have to say would relate in a helpful way. So what would be the point. I dont find it difficult to talk about anything.. just some things arnt simple to write. Have I? Yes. Long time ago though.

I can say that guy is pretty much as you described. A taboo topic possibly with alot people.. dont really apply this site and people though. You should be able to talk about it. Do what you want in life and your correct to question his response as you did. Did kinda try to sweep it under carpet and if you dont want to do that personally then dont follow his advice.

[likeme]

Thank you for responding NRG.89, those are the type of responses I'm looking for as much as the ones who have experienced it.
Helenjane thanks also, not talking about it does make if all the worse for me. lt's horrible.

[Mr_Bean]

I don't think about death, I think you're quite brave to think about something that most would rather not. But just don't like fixate on it I think. I mean I think its completely normal to feel worried about it.

[helenjane]

Originally Posted by likeme

Thank you for responding NRG.89, those are the type of responses I'm looking for as much as the ones who have experienced it.
Helenjane, not talking about it does make if all the worse for me. lt's horrible.

It makes it feel worse for me also id really like to open up about it and discuss it. We humans are funny, we talk about all the other big events in life, like births etc but when it comes to the biggest event then forget it people dont want to know.

People pretend it wont happen.

[Saponara_Immobile]

Yes I've experienced this a lot, mostly from the age of about 23 it really hit me. I remember walking into the bar where I was working at the time to about 7 colleagues (all the same age) and they were so happy and I was like "WHY ARE YOU SO HAPPY, WHY IS EVERYBODY SO ****ING HAPPY?! DON'T YOU REALISE WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE?" And then it's kinda stuck. I suppose over the years it comes and goes to an extent, sometimes like you say I just wake up in the night and it hits me and I can't breathe properly but mostly I can think and talk about it rationally I guess. Usually it's worst when I have more spare time on my hands so then more chance to dwell on things negatively. Most of the films and books I read deal with death too but they rarely depress, if anything I find them uplifting. I think fear of death is at the heart of the human condition, it's just that people deal with it in different ways.

[Geminus]

No.

[GhostOnMagneticTape]

No, dying and death are something I've pondered about a lot, especially during my very low depressive and borderline suicidal phases in my past. So, I'm some what the opposite... Death is inevitable and avoidable obviously, sometimes I thinking being dead would be quite nice at times (with out wanting to sound too morbid). I just am a bit of afraid of the pain of dying rather being dead though.

Maybe if you are a religious, believe in heaven, hell, afterlife and all that no doubt a variation of perspectives and fears are ingrained.

[Sea]

Originally Posted by likeme

I saw a social worker today and made some attempt to explain to him that I have episodes of death anxiety in my life and I would like to find a way to better deal with these.
He said that he doubted that there were many people who hadn't woken at 2 in the morning feeling afraid and aware of their own death. I said if so many people did do this why didn't they talk about it more. His reponse was that it was a taboo subject precisely because it is frightening for people.

Hmmm. I'm not sure I follow. You have anxiety about dying as in the fact that we all die eventually (old age theory) or because you fear you might die early due to some accident, or what? I think a lot about death and don't mind talking about it, but I'm curious exactly what your anxieties relate to? Just 'fear of dying' seems kind of vague, but maybe that is how it is?
I guess I am not afraid of my own death. I have looked it in the face once before now when I was in a train crash, and it turned out that I was incredibly calm and accepting. I'm more afraid of watching other people dying though, especially my parents. Don't know where I am going with this. But anyway, I'm curious to understand more about the basis of your anxieties?

Originally Posted by AlienBuddha

I just I'm a bit of afraid of the pain of dying rather being dead though.

Same.

[AxelFendersson]

Originally Posted by likeme

Why is no one answering? Do you dislike the thread topic? Am I foolish to post it? Well I sound foolish now if I didn't before...

Give it time. The boards aren't generally that busy at this time of the afternoon; it'll take a little while before all that many people have had a chance to see it, let alone formulate useful responses.

Personally, I have never had quite such an acute fear of dying as you describe. The knowledge that one day I will cease to be is something I definitely find unsettling if I think about it, but it's not something I worry about much on a day-to-day basis.

[Paul Ll]

Another no from me, not something i've ever worried about - and some would say i live on the edge.

[catlover]

Unfortunately it is kind of a taboo topic, in my view, because most people can't bear to contemplate their own non-existence.

I, personally, fear the process of dying but not death itself. But I am saying this at a time in my life when I have no serious illness that is life-threatening. I might very well think differently when such an illness arrives (as it inevitably will unless I die suddenly).

What is it exactly about death that you're afraid of? The pain of dying itself, the loss of control, the unknown as to what will follow?

[diplodocus]

Originally Posted by likeme

I want to ask the people I work with and friends what they think and feel about dying but I fear I'd be breaking taboo, some great unwritten rule that must not be broken. Makes me feel sick.

I think you might be seeing this too much from your own viewpoint. You said that it makes you sick to not be able to talk about it but have you ever thought that perhaps the average person might feel the same about having to talk about death?

If you know someone well enough and you feel that they are able to talk about such matters then I don't see anything wrong with that. But you have to appreciate that not everyone likes to talk about subjects like this.

And are you saying you are afraid of dying? Or of death itself? I'm certainly afraid of death as I'm sure many people are but I don't envision myself dying (well not often). I've had dreams or nightmares where it's happened and while unpleasant at the time I didn't pay them much attention. Sometimes the fear or unpleasantness has lasted longer but it's just something you learn to live with. If it's happening a lot then that's very different and I could imagine that would be pretty upsetting. Is this what's happening?

[Geminus]

^I think he feels sick not feeling he is allowed to talk about it?

[diplodocus]

Originally Posted by Geminus

^I think he feels sick not feeling he is allowed to talk about it?

That's what I said though

[Geminus]

Oh yeah.. ...

[tituscrow]

Quite the opposite to be honest.

[Mr. Nobody]

Hi Like~Me

I like your post, it's really honest, straightforward and brave of you to post this,.

I've always been amazed by the fact that so many people have said things like "I'm not afraid to die",.. simply because Death has always scared me SO much,..and I just couldn't relate to their saying that, and wanted to know their secret, how they got over that primal fear.

I've dwelt on this for a long, long time, as I think it's an incredibly important question,.. to me Death kind of makes no logical sense,..because I've always felt that the fact of Death seems to totally rubbish your entire life,... what is the point of so much of what we do if Death simply comes along and it's all ended,... it seems to render all life pointless. but I'm not sure if I'm thinking this way because I live in a society that has bascially, en masse, ignored, or tried to escape from the fact of Death, and consequently I've kind of inherited this apparently deeply conflicting, puzzling fact.

I've also often suspected that my fear of Death is bascially fear of Life.
I've read several times that if you can live life totally, wholeheartedly, with abandon,. then the fear of Death will go, which I thought was an interesting angle to consider.

I think I am afraid of Death because I often am guilty of living life in a rather lukewarm, lacklustre way ... and so, Death worries me as,. deep down,. I feel I haven't truly lived yet ... is the Fear of Death basically the fear of not having lived yet ?

or is the fear of Death the fear of not being in control,.. we live under the idea of being in control of our lives, of our comings and goings, we are always controlling our behaviour, our movements,.. and so Death seems to come as a foreign, outside agency, and we feel as if the relinquishing of control is the death of US,.. do we see Death as the end of our control,.. is that what we fear ?

or do we fear Death because we fear losing our grip on what we have known so far,
we are familiar with ourselves and our lives, and so Death is seen as the unfamiliar,.as being dragged into the unknown without any mercy or means of returning to what we have known?

personally, I don't want this to end,..I feel there's still so much learn, to experience and to uncover about myself, and my personal fear of Death seems to be related to a fear of ignorance, igorance of myself.

I've had a couple of near-death experiences, in one of them I was clearly floating outside my body, looking down on myself, feeling completely happy and safe, and feeling completely detached from my body,.. but, somehow this hasn't helped me escape the fear of Death.

I think in order for you to be rid of the fear of Death, you really have to go into it as deeply and as faithfully as you can, and try and find an answer to it all,.. otherwise it will contiue to haunt you and affect your day-to-day life.

[Toxic]

i remember breaking down when i was like 14-15 when i sort of.."realised" my parents were gonna die..and presumably myself, although i dont remember stressing at that!

still bothers me a bit ..my parents anyway since they are 60 next year

..myself..i dunno..im getting depressed im getting older but im not sure if thats because im edging closer to death..or just because i prefer being a kid

[likeme]

Thank you for all the responses. I am sorry I can't reply to them all.

Originally Posted by Dory

Hmmm. I'm not sure I follow. You have anxiety about dying as in the fact that we all die eventually (old age theory) or because you fear you might die early due to some accident, or what? Just 'fear of dying' seems kind of vague, but maybe that is how it is?
But anyway, I'm curious to understand more about the basis of your anxieties?

Originally Posted by catlover

What is it exactly about death that you're afraid of? The pain of dying itself, the loss of control, the unknown as to what will follow?

I have experienced a feeling of horror at the fact I will one day cease to exist for eternity. Death makes everything feel pointless, meaningless and utterly bizarre. I do not have any religious or spiitual beliefs. I hate these words as I type them.

Originally Posted by diplodocus

I think you might be seeing this too much from your own viewpoint. You said that it makes you sick to not be able to talk about it but have you ever thought that perhaps the average person might feel the same about having to talk about death?
And are you saying you are afraid of dying? Or of death itself? I'm certainly afraid of death as I'm sure many people are but I don't envision myself dying (well not often).
..Sometimes the fear or unpleasantness has lasted longer but it's just something you learn to live with. If it's happening a lot then that's very different and I could imagine that would be pretty upsetting. Is this what's happening?

It is precisely the fact that they might feel the same which makes me gives me the sickened feeling, rather than just being unable to talk about it. It is what the taboo implies. I detest the notion that we are all denying it. It gives the whole idea a blacker and more sinister trapped feeling. Over the last ten years I have had episodes, usually lasting weeks, where I have become preoccupied with this, on average one a year. When I am not preoccupied by it, it remains in the background and sometimes pops up unexpectedly in the middle of the night. I want out.

[Sea]

Originally Posted by likeme

I detest the notion that we are all denying it. It gives the whole idea a blacker and more sinister trapped feeling.

I don't think anyone is denying it though. Death is a part of life, an inevitable one. People just prefer not to chat about it because it isn't cheerful. And its also not something that we can control. It's a bit of a black hole really as far as topics of convo go.

[likeme]

Originally Posted by Alcoyne

Hi Like~Me

I like your post, it's really honest, straightforward and brave of you to post this,.

I've always been amazed by the fact that so many people have said things like "I'm not afraid to die",.. simply because Death has always scared me SO much,..and I just couldn't relate to their saying that, and wanted to know their secret, how they got over that primal fear.

I've dwelt on this for a long, long time, as I think it's an incredibly important question,.. to me Death kind of makes no logical sense,..because I've always felt that the fact of Death seems to totally rubbish your entire life,... what is the point of so much of what we do if Death simply comes along and it's all ended,... it seems to render all life pointless. but I'm not sure if I'm thinking this way because I live in a society that has bascially, en masse, ignored, or tried to escape from the fact of Death, and consequently I've kind of inherited this apparently deeply conflicting, puzzling fact.

I've also often suspected that my fear of Death is bascially fear of Life.
I've read several times that if you can live life totally, wholeheartedly, then the fear of Death will go, which I thought was an interesting angle to consider.

am I afraid of Death because I often am guilty of living life in a rather lukewarm, lacklustre way ... and so, Death worries me as,. deep down,. I feel I haven't truly lived yet ?... is the Fear of Death basically the fear of not having lived yet ?

or is the fear of Death the fear of not being in control,.. we live under the idea of being in control of our lives, of our comings and goings, we are always controlling our behaviour, our movements,.. and so Death seems to come as a foreign, outside agency, and we feel as if the relinquishing of control is the death of US,.. do we see Death as the end of our control,.. is that what we fear ?

or do we fear Death because we fear losing our grip on what we known so far,
we are familiar with ourselves and our lives, and so Death is seen as the unfamiliar,.as being dragged into the unknown without any mercy or means of returning to what we have known?

personally, I don't want this to end,..I feel there's still so much learn, to experience and to uncover about myself, and my personal fear of Death seems to be related to a fear of ignorance, igorance of myself.

I've had a couple of near-death experiences, in one of them I was clearly floating outside my body, looking down on myself, feeling completely happy and safe, and feeling completely detached from my body,.. but, somehow this hasn't helped me escape the fear of Death.

I think in order for you to be rid of the fear of Death, you really have to go into it as deeply and as faithfully as you can, and try and find an answer to it all,.. otherwise it will contiue to haunt you and affect your day-to-day life.

thank you

[Caribou]

Originally Posted by AlienBuddha

Death is inevitable and avoidable

Isn't that a bit of a contradiction?


Have to say that I do tend to dwell on fear of death on occasions - particularity when my depression is in full-swing. Scares the hell out of me if I start thinking about it too much.

[ajc]

I don't really think about it much at the moment, but when my mum was dying of cancer I thought about it a lot. I wasn't very tolerant then of the politeness of skirting around talking about death, and I wasn't very patient when people tried to "make it better" with religious ideas, although my mum herself was very religious. Death is a brutal brute fact that comes to us all and mostly we don't like to think about it.

Kafkafan mentioned Philip Larkin poems and a lot of what you are saying makes me think quite specifically of one called "Aubade". I don't know if you're into that sort of thing, but I'm sure it's quite easily Googleable if you did want to check it out.

[jessicamary]

ok i am not a popular person, so may what I am writing might explain!! I have experienced many a close family/friends deaths so death is not a taboo to me, it's rather a very much real thing! I have a love hate relationship with the thing. I actually couldn't care less to be honest if I dropped down dead tomorrow, in fact I wish it to be so sometimes. But I have fear of everything. I.e. I am that annoying person on a plane/train/ boat/ whatever who says 'WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIEEEEEEE' (and note I do this every time)!!
It actually annoys me emensley that people treat it as such a taboo, we were born, we will die, every one will. I have my death, my wishes written down, kept in my drawer next to my bed (see am so about death, that I have said it here, just in case I do die and at least SAUK will know my final wishes). I have wrote everything down to the last detail. But people find me odd when I tell them where to find my last wishes.
I accept this, as as I have said, I have experienced a lot of deaths, under varied circumstances, to me is it is the norm. While others don't(not their fault they just have not had the experience). Just grin and bear your social worker, they will one day understand!!

[likeme]

Just can't seem to feel better this evening ....it's ridiculous
but thanks for the replies

[Wheelie Bin Bird]

On occasions yes. Before (a few years ago) it was rife. Every single day I was quite litrally terrified of dying and leaving my children...I think this stemed from seeing my dad dead at 53 and seeing my mum die at 49. I was only 20 & 21 at the time so it struck me very deep.

It got rediculas at a point and still does sometimes now. But I have a much better grip on it now.

[diplodocus]

Originally Posted by likeme

Over the last ten years I have had episodes, usually lasting weeks, where I have become preoccupied with this, on average one a year. When I am not preoccupied by it, it remains in the background and sometimes pops up unexpectedly in the middle of the night. I want out.

I understand what you're saying but I don't think this is the average persons experience. I could be wrong, but certainly I've never had anything that lasted anywhere near weeks at a time. I'd say neither have people I've known but then that could be because they don't talk about it
Anyway personally speaking I have nothing against talking about such subjects but I wouldn't broach the subject with people I wasn't sure would be ok with it either.

Originally Posted by Dory

I don't think anyone is denying it though. Death is a part of life, an inevitable one. People just prefer not to chat about it because it isn't cheerful. And its also not something that we can control. It's a bit of a black hole really as far as topics of convo go.

Yes that's how I see it.