Advice/opinions please

[jo888]

Hi

I'm new here and thought I'd take the plunge and say/ask something!

I live in France, have done for about 3 years and it's very hard to make friends. I have had a few problems with people who I thought were friends but turned out to be rather unpleasant and thought they could be unkind because I'm shy and also I don't speak French as well as I'd like!
I've been trying to help the village football team. I like watching the matches and help if they have any events on or need someone to serve drinks. People are polite but I don't seem to be able to take the step to opening up to them to get to know them better. This hasn't helped with the nasty people I mentioned above.
There is a player who has recently joined, it turns out he lives opposite me but I didn't realise! He has made a point of saying 'Bonjour' with the 2 bisous most times I've seen him but he is often on his own when he's not playing. When I was helping recently with serving food and I plucked up the courage to ask him if the food was ok. He smiled and said yes but didn't say anymore, but didn't walk away immediately either. Even though I have bad SA I can't tell if he just doesn't want me to speak to him, if he has SA himself or if he doesn't really want to mix in general. I rarely see him around now that the football season has finished. I know he works as a baker, so not good hours. He seems to either be at work or shut away in his house with his pets. I'm very wary now of getting it wrong again, so when I saw him across the street today I didn't speak and neither did he.

Anyway I just thought I'd see if anyone has any ideas about how I could take a little step further to be a bit more sociable and if anyone has any thoughts about how to tell if someone has SA or maybe isn't very friendly. I know I come across as unfriendly because I find it so hard to speak and make eye contact but when it's done back to me because of the SA I can only see it as they don't like/want to know me.

Sorry for the long, jumbled post, any feedback would be great.
Take care
Joanne

[jo888]

Hi

Thanks for your reply. I can see what you mean it is hard to judge from that. I think I feel that after bad experiences with people, especially recent ones, I still want to get to know people but it's made me even more wary of rejection. I think it has also made me more nervous about relying on my judgement about people. I feel like I'm unable to read social cues that are perhaps obvious to others, so I could end up trying to be friendly when someone is really trying to, politely, tell me to piss off! That's why I hang back and wait for others to approach me even though i can see that puts them off me! A vicious circle!
I will have a go next time I see him, like you said, and see what happens. I've tried saying hi to more people lately, and I suppose over 70% respond which is good.

Anyway thanks again

[Rich Notts]

I've heard French people are not very nice in general so don't take it to heart (keep us informed btw!)

[anna123]

I've got french friends and they are nice, they are no different to english. I still find it just as hard to talk to them as english people.

[peterjohn]

My feeling is that it's not easy but if possible keep trying. Maybe saying bonjour next time will help.
I have a friend of many years whose company I like and I respect as a person who has given me a very cold shoulder a few times to the point that I had given up. We used to meat occasionally. I can only guess why this is so.
However, having recently phoned him - twice - it looks very likely we will meet up soon and perhaps renew our friendship.
If not so then I can honestly say that I tried which would out weigh the hurt of knowing that I had lost a friend.
My best wishes for the future.
Peter

[Rich Notts]

Hmm I'm not judging the cheese eating surrender monkies its just I have heard that alot recently by different people but your right I shouldn't judge and ofc an entire country of people cannot be the same

[jo888]

Hi
Thanks for all the replies! Well yesterday was a pretty eventful day for me. There was a night market in the village, where local food (and wine!) producers have stalls and sell and, with meat or fish, cook the food and there is music and tables for you to sit and eat. I'd agreed to help the local bar as the couple who own it want to help me gain in confidence etc. I pre-cooked nearly 25 kg of chips and spent an hour or 2 selling them, while someone else who is shy finished the cooking! That was really scary as I had to deal with people. Most were nice, some friendly, and were patient with me when I needed to check what they wanted. I saw a few people I knew and they all came over to say Bonsoir and tried to be encouraging. I saw the man I mentioned from the football. He was on the polite side of friendly but seemed ok to say Bonjour and 2 kisses. When I wasn't busy I saw him again and he seemed to stay at the bar in the same place, either talking to the coach from the football or someone he works with, or no one. So presumably he is quite shy, not unfriendly.
Peterjohn I can relate to what you said about your friend. They aren't really friends but people I'd thought were possibly friendly. One ignored me, the other was talking in a group of other women I know a little. I said Bonsoir to them all and the woman I expected to be friendly totally ignored me while the others all said Bonsoir and tried to say a little more, she didn't even look at me. Yet Weds evening there was a beer fete and she walked over to say Bonsoir, 2 kisses and ask how I was!? So next time I see them it leaves me wondering what to do, act like it didn't happen or wait to see if they come over to me.
I'm in the Limousin and French people have said it's hard to make friends here as people are more reserved than in other parts. So maybe it'll take longer, and more work from me, than I was hoping.
I can't believe I was able to do the chip cooking/selling thing though. When Herve mentioned it I was sure I couldn't do it and as yesterday went on I got more shaky and feeling as though I wasn't 'there', if that makes sense. I'm glad I did though and hopefully it'll help with people getting to know me a bit.

There are some French who don't like the English, and are unfriendly, that I've encountered. Mostly though they seem perhaps more friendly than a lot of people in Coventry (where I moved from). But then its not really fair to compare a city with a village.

Thanks again to everyone for responding
Joanne