Re: The Suicide Thread - Trigger Warning
 

The suicidal thoughts are becoming quite frequent again.

The main thing stopping me is my family. I'm also quite fearful of what really happens when you die. Logic says I'd just rot away and know nothing about it. But part of me fears I'd end up in some sort of purgatory.

Re: The Suicide Thread - Trigger Warning
 

^ Sorry to hear that Telex.

Whilst I'm not particularly worried about what happens when you die I know I wouldn't have the guts to go through with it. It's so final.

Re: The Suicide Thread - Trigger Warning
 

I'm never sure if I'm feeling truly suicidal at any given time because I'm so used to not valuing my life, or caring if and when it ends. Does it only count when you're actively trying to kill yourself? I think what prevents it for me is that I'm too cowardly to make any decisions that definitive. I wonder sometimes if I'm killing myself in slow-motion by just spending year after year not taking part in living, hoping that life will one day wind it all down for me without me having to be responsible.

It seems too hard to actually do myself. You can't exactly practice killing yourself, can you? I mean, getting practical experience doing it. I worry that even if I tried, I'd lose my bottle or not do it right, then have to deal with the shame of being an attention seeker or time waster or whatever. Now there's something to beat myself up over: being too rubbish to kill myself.

It's funny, I actually do think like that. Telling myself I'm bad at suffering from depression, I don't suffer in the correct way, I'm a failure at being mentally ill. I've thought that as recently as earlier today, 'Do you really think you're important enough to have an illness, like real people? Stop making excuses for yourself. You're just a bad human being, it's just you.'

Re: The Suicide Thread - Trigger Warning
 

I've just had the worst conversation with my support worker and its triggered me so bad. I've ended up relapsing and now my arm kills. I wish I could actually ring a suicide hotline right now.

Re: The Suicide Thread - Trigger Warning
 

:hug2: Sorry to hear that dimples. You should try and ring them if you need to. I know it's difficult, but they'll show you nothing but support.
Also, can you not perhaps ring your support worker and they may help you?

Re: The Suicide Thread - Trigger Warning
 

You can text the Samaritans on 07725909090, although they'll take about an hour to reply as they don't have enough volunteers to answer many people (which is why they don't advertise that number more widely).

Calling would definitely be preferable, but if you definitely can't manage that it's better than nothing. Sorry you're feeling so awful. :hug2:

Re: The Suicide Thread - Trigger Warning
 

Dimples you should of texted me :( it makes me sad, I love dimples I really see you as a good mate [emoji177]

Re: The Suicide Thread - Trigger Warning
 

I hope you're okay dimples. :hug2:

Re: The Suicide Thread - Trigger Warning
 

I believe it is the way I will die and have for some time, unless by some luck (apologies to anyone with a terminal illness) but I get some terminal illness that gives me enough time to say goodbye to the people I love and can die with the help of palliative care. But I just don't feel that will happen, so I feel that it will be suicide and I am very concerned with not getting it right, I have never tried, but feel when I do , will be the only time, but still there is the many possibilities of it going wrong

Re: The Suicide Thread - Trigger Warning
 

Suicide has been on my mind for a while now and I think about it a lot. When I think about what happens when we die I'm very curious, almost excited to find out because it's such an unknown realm. I think numbness/not caring about much plays a role.
Probably the main thing that helps is knowing that we're all going to die one day anyway, so I might as well stick around until then. But even that fails to keep it out of my head sometimes.
I can't say I've ever felt an urge or impulse to go through with it though, it just plays on my mind a lot.
I have no intention of discussing these thoughts with anyone in my family because of the stigma attached to it.
Just the other day on Christmas eve my eldest sister invited herself into my room to have a typical talk saying I need to sort myself out and do something with my life, ending by saying that she doesn't want someone to walk in to find that I've killed myself. I almost laughed tbh. Sick of people feeling like they have an obligation to look out for me just because we're related by blood, when I know they don't genuinely care about me, they must think I'm blind to not be able to see through it.

Re: The Suicide Thread - Trigger Warning
 

^ I would miss you

Re: The Suicide Thread - Trigger Warning
 

Going through a very tough time myself. As midnight approaches, I'm so darn disappointed in myself. This wasn't part of my game plan. The constant fear makes me so tired. I feel so alone.

But I wish everybody a happy new year, you don't deserve to feel like you have no value. You all have tremendous courage and my love and light and hope to everybody on these boards. Xxx

Re: The Suicide Thread - Trigger Warning
 

^ I hope 2016 brings better things for you Cheshire Cat :hug2: Try not to be too disappointed in yourself, it isn't possible to control everything that happens.

Re: The Suicide Thread - Trigger Warning
 

I hope 2016 brings all of you on here a happier life.

2016 will be the year I combat depression and stop having suicidal thoughts.

Re: The Suicide Thread - Trigger Warning
 

What shall 2016 bring?

I'm happier already because I have problems writing the number 5. Like OCD problems and it always looks crap. True, it has improved over 365 days, but I detest 5. Good riddance to 5.

Re: The Suicide Thread - Trigger Warning
 

Thanks HelloSunshine. I am visiting a friend to celebrate their birthday today, so I'm trying not to let the New Year blues overwhelm me, and keep active.

My new year's thought for everybody is this:

"We should be weary, not of those who push us, put us through hell, make us feel afraid, encourage and challenge us, but rather weary of those who sympathise and care a little too much, and never help us to see what we're capable of. There are times when both are valuable allies, but the day we realise that the boogie man offers the key to our salvation is the first day of a new life."

Re: The Suicide Thread - Trigger Warning
 

I'm just glad I'll be dead and buried before (long after humankind has left the Earth it cannibalised and inhabited a new planet in which it had to change the date format) it's 55-55-5555. I just hope the nanobots that consume humanity don't resurrect the dead's heads and just keep our heads alive in formaldehyde jars in order to study and examine the contents of our skulls. I'm so glad that's not possible yet or, if they must keep my head in a jar for eternity in order to study my head, they invent something better than formaldehyde to preserve me.

Re: The Suicide Thread - Trigger Warning
 

^ :hug2: Everyone would not be better off without you, especially your family. Have you been able to speak to your husband about how you're feeling?

Re: The Suicide Thread - Trigger Warning
 

Thank you HS. :hug2:

Yes I have and he's been absolutely lovely about it but I've not been a very good wife lately (understatement of the century) and so I just keep telling myself he would be better off with someone else too.

Re: The Suicide Thread - Trigger Warning
 

I'm glad you've been able to talk to him about it. He married you because he loves you. No matter how badly you think you've been doing as a wife recently he wouldn't be better off with anyone else :)