Realising that I have a depressive personality

[Clockface]

As part of the process of accepting myself as much as I can I have gradually realised that I have a depressive personality. By this I mean that I often notice and recognise negatives rather than positives, I don't get excited about anything, and when I see or experience something that I like I tend to have a 'numb' reaction to it, almost like enjoyment that I am acknowledging but not feeling.

I'm one of those people who tends not to bother with a lot of things due to a lack of motivation, fear that I'll make a complete fool of myself or try and achieve something only to be disappointed by the outcome.

During my childhood I was often told by my parents to 'cheer up' or 'snap out of it'. They couldn't imagine how a child, later a teenager, could be miserable. Even though they knew I was being bullied at school and had no friends, they expected me to be happy. I hated myself as a child. I had no way out of the psychological hell I was going through. After University I had to live at home for five more years as I was too SA to move into a shared flat. I was still miserable and felt traumatised, the only difference was my parents didn't keep telling me to cheer up etc.

Initially leaving home, and then moving to a new city a few years after that, has made me feel free, but has not improved my general mood or self-esteem. But that's not necessarily because of circumstances, it's just my personality. I do have times when I am genuinely happy, able to smile and laugh etc, but generally I am just numb. If someone was to ask me if I was happy, I would reply that I was content.

Since moving to my new city I have tended not to worry about what other people think of me. I feel more at peace with myself nowadays, while at the same time still experiencing low self-esteem and knowing that I***8217;ll probably have it for the rest of my life, and acknowledging that I***8217;m not a very interesting person. If people, including friends, family and work colleagues can accept that I***8217;m generally ***8216;numb***8217; and that I tend to keep a low profile, I***8217;ll be fine with that. What I can***8217;t be doing with is people judging me as grumpy and boring, and telling me that I should be mega happy and socially active all the time just because they are, rather than taking the attitude of live and let live.

I wanted to share this with you as it's a realisation that has helped me to cope with my life better. Most good things to me will be a bonus rather than expected. It would be great if the good things in life and things we wished for were guaranteed but sadly they're not, so I am trying to accept this from my point of view.

Thanks for reading and I sincerely hope it is of some inspiration, if that is at all possible