The Suicide Thread - Trigger Warning

[princess1985]

^thank you Clementine ... Such a lovely gesture

[SHYGIRLAJB]

Aww Thanks for your reply Clementine..

[Punxsutawney Phil]

I'm so sorry to hear of your suffering Shygirl.

I have never made a suicide attempt but I have regularly wanted to end my life, so I know they are the worst feelings in the world. They are feelings sometimes beyond tears, a very lonely place where you don't feel there is anyone who you can call up to talk to, as it is as though you have exhausted all possible avenues of comfort and support. I have even had people get so sick of my feelings that they have said in anger, 'well why don't you kill yourself then?" It was horrible at the time, but looking back I understand why they said it, because these kinds of emotions are too much for some people to deal with, and some people simply cannot identify with it, believing life is always worth living and we have to battle on, no matter what. These are 2 very different mindsets, and I absolutely fall into the 'depressive' type, and am often weak in the face of my depressions, and it is difficult for me to want to just soldier on sometimes, as others can do.

When I was living in Germany a few years ago I actually posted a 'goodbye' message on facebook. I'm rather embarrassed when I think back because it was clearly an attempt to get noticed, a cry for help. Not that I should feel ashamed of that need, nor should any of us when we are in pain, as it may be the only way of getting some attention, which ultimately could save us, and in my case I was isolated and lonely in a foreign country after all. But it ended up with my mum, who's attention was drawn to my message by a friend who happened to see it online, contacting the police. The UK police then contacted the German police about this message of a person intending to kill themselves, and by about 2am in the morning there was a loud buzz on the door of my apartment!! I immediately put two and two together and knew what it was about, so I became scared that I had started something stupid. So I ignored them, but they kept on buzzing, and they were shouting up from the street: 'Hallo? Die Polizei Können Sie uns hereinlassen?" (Hello, it's the police, can you let us in?). If I hadn't answered, I think by law they would have been allowed to break in, so I crawled downstairs in my dressing gown and let them in. Then this weird conversation happened, owing to my German being fairly basic, with me having to try to explain myself, as they had clearly only received a vague message about somebody planning to kill themselves which they had to investigate. I obviously felt mortified for wasting their time, because I knew in the back of my mind I was probably not in danger of killing myself, and it was simply my familiar old thought patterns, beating myself up and then crying for help. That's not to say my emotions weren't genuine, as I felt really desperate. The police were not allowed to leave me alone, so they had to take me down to the station for a psychological assessment to determine if I was a danger to myself (or others). This all happened around 3am. After the psychologist understood I wasn't bat shit crazy - and by this point I was doing everything and everything to convince him I was normal enough and just wanted to go back to bed and go to work in the morning - they eventually let me go. This time I had to walk back to my apartment, which took about an hour and I reckon I was home by 4am. I slept for 3 hours then got up for work, and never told a soul what had happened!! It was one of the weirdest nights of my life. I felt kind of embarrassed in the police station, but it was also nice to get some attention, and the police were friendly. I remember the chap who spoke the best English was huge, well over 6 foot, but when he spoke English it sounded really camp. He sounded like Pepe the King Prawn from the Muppets: 'Why you want to kill yourself, hmmm?" Is not good you know, okay?" After I arrived home I did call my mum to tell her I was okay. That was an interesting night!!

[SHYGIRLAJB]

Originally Posted by Punxsutawney Phil

I'm so sorry to hear of your suffering Shygirl.



I have never made a suicide attempt but I have regularly wanted to end my life, so I know they are the worst feelings in the world. They are feelings sometimes beyond tears, a very lonely place where you don't feel there is anyone who you can call up to talk to, as it is as though you have exhausted all possible avenues of comfort and support. I have even had people get so sick of my feelings that they have said in anger, 'well why don't you kill yourself then?" It was horrible at the time, but looking back I understand why they said it, because these kinds of emotions are too much for some people to deal with, and some people simply cannot identify with it, believing life is always worth living and we have to battle on, no matter what. These are 2 very different mindsets, and I absolutely fall into the 'depressive' type, and am often weak in the face of my depressions, and it is difficult for me to want to just soldier on sometimes, as others can do.

When I was living in Germany a few years ago I actually posted a 'goodbye' message on facebook. I'm rather embarrassed when I think back because it was clearly an attempt to get noticed, a cry for help. Not that I should feel ashamed of that need, nor should any of us when we are in pain, as it may be the only way of getting some attention, which ultimately could save us, and in my case I was isolated and lonely in a foreign country after all. But it ended up with my mum, who's attention was drawn to my message by a friend who happened to see it online, contacting the police. The UK police then contacted the German police about this message of a person intending to kill themselves, and by about 2am in the morning there was a loud buzz on the door of my apartment!! I immediately put two and two together and knew what it was about, so I became scared that I had started something stupid. So I ignored them, but they kept on buzzing, and they were shouting up from the street: 'Hallo? Die Polizei Können Sie uns hereinlassen?" (Hello, it's the police, can you let us in?). If I hadn't answered, I think by law they would have been allowed to break in, so I crawled downstairs in my dressing gown and let them in. Then this weird conversation happened, owing to my German being fairly basic, with me having to try to explain myself, as they had clearly only received a vague message about somebody planning to kill themselves which they had to investigate. I obviously felt mortified for wasting their time, because I knew in the back of my mind I was probably not in danger of killing myself, and it was simply my familiar old thought patterns, beating myself up and then crying for help. That's not to say my emotions weren't genuine, as I felt really desperate. The police were not allowed to leave me alone, so they had to take me down to the station for a psychological assessment to determine if I was a danger to myself (or others). This all happened around 3am. After the psychologist understood I wasn't bat shit crazy - and by this point I was doing everything and everything to convince him I was normal enough and just wanted to go back to bed and go to work in the morning - they eventually let me go. This time I had to walk back to my apartment, which took about an hour and I reckon I was home by 4am. I slept for 3 hours then got up for work, and never told a soul what had happened!! It was one of the weirdest nights of my life. I felt kind of embarrassed in the police station, but it was also nice to get some attention, and the police were friendly. I remember the chap who spoke the best English was huge, well over 6 foot, but when he spoke English it sounded really camp. He sounded like Pepe the King Prawn from the Muppets: 'Why you want to kill yourself, hmmm?" Is not good you know, okay?" After I arrived home I did call my mum to tell her I was okay. That was an interesting night!!

Thanks for your reply and for the hugs , they are much appreciated at the moment ... .... It's very hard at the moment when you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel ...

[Punxsutawney Phil]

^Hope you feel better soon Shygirl.

[SHYGIRLAJB]

Originally Posted by Punxsutawney Phil

^Hope you feel better soon Shygirl.

So do I , thanks ...

[Utopia]

I kind of get the feeling that many of the people around me want to drive me to suicide. It kind of makes me want to just become a complete recluse becuase what is the point in associating with people like this?

[flumpsy]

^ you shouldnt. Its possible of course that your brain is making you feel this way (rather than their intention) but even so if you are made to feel this way then removing yourself from feeling this way isnt a bad option. As long as you dont remove all human interactions, that is not a good thing. Do you have people who dont make you feel this way ?

[Fluorescent Grey]

Don't wake up thinking about killing myself anymore, thanks to the meds, but I'm too damaged and life is never going to be ok.

[flumpsy]

I have been struggling with this a bit of late. The main thing that stops me is the state of the house and stuff I would be leaving others to deal with and what it would do to my mum. But as I am gradually sorting my house out and have been considering just how badly I would deal with my mums passing before me, well, y'know. I do wonder if living in a shithole is actually a good thing for me, because I wouldnt want to let anybody else have to deal with it so I must carry on.
Hey, what can I say, its nearly 4am and things are dark.

Please dont quote.

[Utopia]

Originally Posted by flumpsy

^ you shouldnt. Its possible of course that your brain is making you feel this way (rather than their intention) but even so if you are made to feel this way then removing yourself from feeling this way isnt a bad option. As long as you dont remove all human interactions, that is not a good thing. Do you have people who dont make you feel this way ?

I'm doing everything I can. I don't really trust people so much anymore. It's common for people to bully others if they can. People make me feel like I'm not wanted -- like they don't really want to know me anyway. I try to be as rational as possible, but obviously emotions can change the way you interpret things, but it's not as if there isn't any truth to what I'm thinking. Maybe it's not literally everyone, but I've had people say that to my face (that I should kill myself).

[SHYGIRLAJB]

Still feel the same regardless of what I do to change my mood , meh ...

[Appear]

^ Really sorry you're still struggling, SHYGIRL.


I've had a quite few 'I can't ever be okay, so don't want to try anymore' moments today, which inevitably lead to certain thoughts. I've been keeping myself busy doing things but they're still there, quietly scratching.

[SHYGIRLAJB]

Originally Posted by Appear

^ Really sorry you're still struggling, SHYGIRL.


I've had a quite few 'I can't ever be okay, so don't want to try anymore' moments today, which inevitably lead to certain thoughts. I've been keeping myself busy doing things but they're still there, quietly scratching.

Thanks ... ((hugs))

[Fluorescent Grey]

Well I'm a ****.

[wd40mk17.4]

I'm thinking about this often, moreso recently. Kindof trundling towards it slowly and inevitably.

[wd40mk17.4]

Isolation, really.
Feels like if my life was a film, an editor would look at that mess and go
"well, its not gonna get any better so lets end it here, and save some work"

[wd40mk17.4]

Nah not really. Theres one up in Newcastle that the SAUK chatroom peeps are organising, might go to that one, I'm lonely enough that I might actually catch a flight cross-country for it lol

[SHYGIRLAJB]

Still feeling really bad and those train tacks I saw the other day looked so inviting.... ***128545;***128545;***128545;***128557;***128557;***128557;

[Clementine]

^ I hope this loses some of it's intensity for you very soon
Have you sought any help?

You've mentioned having a lot of anger built up too, I know how desperate that can make you feel Could you look into relaxation exercises or something like that to help you feel a bit calmer at least?

[SHYGIRLAJB]

Originally Posted by Clementine

^ I hope this loses some of it's intensity for you very soon
Have you sought any help?

You've mentioned having a lot of anger built up too, I know how desperate that can make you feel Could you look into relaxation exercises or something like that to help you feel a bit calmer at least?

Sorry I didn’t reply sooner .. My dr knows about it ... I’m seeing someone from the mental health team at the end of October... The anger was partly the meds and really bad ladies issues that seemed to aggravate the situation... I’ve tried distraction but it’s too hard at the moment ...

[Quicksand]

Briefly thought about it the other evening but decided I'd prob botch it up anyway and land in A&E for a week explaining myself to cross nurses. Ooops.

[Synagence]

I've had a couple of evenings of having thoughts around being not good enough and being better out .... what's kinda shocking me is the casual nature in which they have come back and manifest in my head ... had a bout of these last year but its come back and it wasn't until today i realised that this has come back to me...

I'll be ok .. the one good thing is that they are just thoughts - there's fortunately never been intent

[Consolida]

^ That’s good to hear Synagence
Obviously not good that you’re suffering with suicidal thoughts but good that you never have any intention in putting such thoughts into action.

I still have the occasional passing thought, but ever since becoming a mother over 14 years ago I knew for sure that suicide would never again be an option.

Even if a person doesn’t realise it, I think there’s always someone, somewhere, that would feel shattered if they were to end it. Most people touch the lives of those around them more than they ever realise.

[SHYGIRLAJB]

Times like these I wish I had girlie friends .... Whatever I do I’m in a no win situation and the tracks look so inviting.....

[Consolida]

^ Look after yourself SHYGIRLAJB x
Hopefully these feelings will pass soon

[Tembo]

Really wish I had someone to talk to about my suicidal thoughts

Apparently this society is much more accepting to talking about mental health. Well I certainly can't talk about it to family, friends or work colleagues. No one understands, no one gives a shit in this pathetic selfish society.

Maybe I'll get some of my old childhood teddy bears out from the loft, and chat to them. They'll be more understanding than any human.

[Tembo]

Originally Posted by gregarious_introvert

^There is always someone you can talk to! I'm a long way from you so can't promise to talk face-to-face, but happy to give my number if you want to chat on the 'phone. I can't promise any profound insights (you'll have seen from my posts that I talk rubbish) but I can promise to listen.

Thanks, that's much appreciated . And you don't talk rubbish!

I'm feeling a little better today, and rather embarrassed about that post now.

I've been at work all day so that has distracted me.

[wd40mk17.4]

I wouldn't burden my family with guilt by doing it I don't think.
But I want to die, getting hit by a car, or being stabbed by a mugger or something.
When I get heart palpitations lying in bed trying to sleep, I actually kinda hope its a heart attack.

This week so far I felt ok, happy and smiley and hyperactive, now I'm crashing hard and it's back to the constant suicidal thoughts and crying for the next week or so.

I want off this ride.

[Schmosby]

We are all superfluous.

I struggle dealing with the lack of basic decency most humans display. Just knowing so many poor quality people exsist makes me sad, but there are good people and they are not that hard to find.

Maybe you should try making some changes in your life to reduce your exposure to the bad and increase exposure to the good.