How can I make CBT work?

[kingped]

I'm sorry if this is lazy/presumptuous of me but I would be very grateful for anyone's opinion on how I can reduce my anxiety. I seem to be going nowhere and, being a scatter-brained individual, I cannot seem to grasp anything for long enough to progress.

I've been have CBT sessions and I am not sure whether they are helping. My therapist says that my "safety behaviours" are the problem - that is, my crazy worrisome thoughts about what others think of me. The therapist has urged me to focus on conversations and people and NOT what they're thinking of me.

However, in most social situations, there is a reflex trigger in my mind. The anxiety swoops, my mind freezes and I cannot think of anything to say. What I do say is forced, desultory and, frankly, gauche. Thus, I might force myself to speak but no real conversation proceeds and my self-consciousness and hoplessness is magnified.

How can I stop safety behaviours of worrying/empathising/interpreting/judging when they exist in the vacuum of a half-paralysed mind?

The cycle goes like this:

i) Social situation entered
ii) Gripped by anxiety (caused by a fear of social failure)
iii) Mind frozen
iv) Forced convesation
v) Conversation remains awkward and ends
vi) Social failure completed.

Thus, fear of social failure remains. Low self-esteem remains. The next social situation will, in all likelihood, be a failure.

Anyone...?

Thanks.

[Mr Ploppy]

I have huge concerns about CBT working as well

[pigstar]

Me too. Admittedly this is partly cos the therapist I was seeing was an idiot. I think there are some useful ideas in there, but there's a point beyond which it didn't have as much to offer as I needed it to.

As for the question: I might be wrong, but I got the impression that safety behaviours = stuff like fidgeting, listening to music on headphones, using your mobile too often. Self-comforting things, basically. I also had problems believing that they were as awful as the workbook said they were, but anyway. Your therapist seems to think they're destructive thought patterns...I can sort of see where he/she might be coming from with that, but it's kinda confusing.
What I think - and please bear in mind here that I'm a total amateur, and also a psychological mess - isn't helping is that it sounds like you have a bit of a perfectionistic thing going on there. Reading this:

The anxiety swoops, my mind freezes and I cannot think of anything to say. What I do say is forced, desultory and, frankly, gauche.

...so, you do think of something to say. Despite being in what sounds like crippling fear. That's actually pretty damn good! It might be dumb. It might not, you're probably not the most objective judge of these things when you're feeling like that. But if it is, that just puts it on the same level as 95% of all human conversation, ever. It's going to feel forced, and it's going to be awkward, because you're in the process of recovering from SA. It's (hopefully, but I'm still trying to get to that stage myself) going to start feeling less awkward the more practice you get, but things are inevitably going to be weird for a while. It's like trying to get good at a musical instrument. Not that I've ever really managed that myself either.
I think you're putting an unreasonable amount of pressure on yourself, basically. Things probably are going to go badly a lot of the time right now, but that doesn't make you a failure. You only fail when you give up.

[SoulSeeker]

I could've pretty much wrote this thread myself. The cycle you desrcibe is pretty accurate to me, too.

I don't know the answer tbh. Blankness of the mind and an inability and/or interest in holding a conversation..are a bastard to deal with, when they become autoamtic and 'every time'.

Im doing cbt aswell. For me, I think exposure works to a degree. It helps us to understand that we can put ourselves into a certain situation and are able to stay in that situation, even if we are full of anxiety and fear. Yes..it is probably true that that fear and anxiety will reduce..or it will reduce and rise, but never stay full on.

What exposure doesn't teach us..is social skills. How to tackle that blankness and lack of interest in conversation. Just because our anxiety and fears may be reduced, doesn't mean we find it any easier to interact.

This is exactly what I find difficult..and I guess the only way to overcome it and improve in conversation is to actually be taught how. Physically practicing with a professional who is trained in this situation. To do it over and over, whilst testing our learned skills out for ourself along the way. Until it becomes easier, everytime.

[karl-32]

Originally Posted by kingped

The cycle goes like this:

i) Social situation entered
ii) Gripped by anxiety (caused by a fear of social failure)
iii) Mind frozen
iv) Forced convesation
v) Conversation remains awkward and ends
vi) Social failure completed.

you just have to put yourself out there . You need more social contact than time alone . Also i'm not sure if you work? Work gives you confidance . If you dont work, get a voluntary job. Plus go to evening classes at college. Really throw yourself into the world and your confidance WILL grow. This is an inevitability more than a chance.

Also the reason i quoted the section i did was , how do you know you are a social failure each time?

I'm not debating the fact you feel awkward , but how do you KNOW it was a "social failure" ?

Us guys/gals with SA , experience alotttttt of paranoia and almost expect to be social geniuses or gain something from every "encounter" .

It doesnt work like that .

i was out with someone afew months back and the shop assistant spoke to me and before i knew it , i was in something that almost resembled a conversation!

At the end i went red and started saying to the person i was with that i felt stupid , should have said more , didnt respond appropriatley etc etc , to which the person i was with kept saying ," you came across totally fine just like a normal human being and you couldnt have said anymore " !

This person herself has SA and is a member on here.

You dont KNOW , for an undisputable fact , that you are a social failure every time you talk to someone . i mean define social failure? When people ask your name ,do you say "blobbety blob dimwit mars bar"
????????????????????? THAT would be social failure !

i'm quite sure you just tell them your name? am i right?

i think the only person thats sees any "social failure" in yourself , is probably yourself.

[waine]

yes i see what your saying. And i think there really is no easy answer to it. I found working on core negative beliefs helpful but this is more for general self esteem. For actually entering situations i am not sure to be honest. I am on medication which helps me. But when i do enter a situation i dont notice myself saying negative things. My mind is just how it normally is - blank. I have found exposure work helpful while on medication and this has made me more interested in people and what they like etc.

[pigstar]

You actually get to do exposure work?

...man, my therapist was bad.

This is exactly what I find difficult..and I guess the only way to overcome it and improve in conversation is to actually be taught how. Physically practicing with a professional who is trained in this situation. To do it over and over, whilst testing our learned skills out for ourself along the way. Until it becomes easier, everytime.

I genuinely think there's a gap in the market, there. We need these people.